To think my sis should stop her DS from hitting mine?

[twinklingfairy]

My sisters son is 2 in feb and has taken to hitting my DS, just turned 5.
My DS just takes it, saying auw, every time a blow is hit (its repetitive blows) but does nothing to retaliate because his cousin is only small.
When DS shouts, they have just started to remove his cousin but he comes straight back in to repeat the process. After about 3 goes, they give up and tell DS that he is obviously upsetting him, give him what ever it is he wants.
Today I came home after 3 days away attending a course, to discover that his cousin has actually drawn blood.
DD and DS tell me that it is because DC tried to pick DS up and his nails were too long so he cut into my DS shoulder.
That's ok, I guess, but also understandably upsetting. It was hard enough to leave them so long.
But then DD tells me that my sister told them that blood was good, it would heal faster that way

I am just getting a little tired of it.
Both DS and I are told not to over react, that it is just because he is so young and doesn't understand. Though he understand well enough to say sorry and bad.
Both my sis and mum dismiss it all as being his age.
But it is very frustrating that DS is just expected to put up and accept it,then blamed somehow for it.
They, I feel, are turning my DS into a victim and DCinto a bully.
What could this mean to my DS childhood.

It's also a worry because my sis is expecting her second, in Feb.
Surely she should be a bit worried about what he DS is going/capable of doing to the newborn.
All under the title of 'just being a boy'
My 'boy' has never hit like this.
I know all children are different and boys can be boisterous but what canI do to stop my DS taking the brunt

I plan to keep my two away from my sis for the foreseeable but it is not worth the fallout of actually saying anything.
Dsis will wholeheartedly defend her PFB and mum will defend her PLBs, PFB.
I will be telling my mum that I am completely unhappy about DS being cut, but then again, I kinda did that last night.

It is incredibly upsetting that there is a pecking order and that my DS is at the bottom.
Yesterday they went to the beach with Dsis husband, DS fell over, running away from an uincoming wave, and was completely soaked.
They decided to strip him down to his pants, coat still on.
Mum went to get fresh trousers, I think they were at my Dsis house, because he ended up on the beach for a good long while like that.
My mum though, lives two minutes from the beach, why couldn't they have taken him there? Or with mum, to get the clothes?
I figure they thought he wanted to keep playing, but it's November, it's cold and my boy was playing on the beach with nothing on his legs!

When you write it down it looks even worse :(

Berg, she does, immediately get him to apologise, which he does.
Then repeats the same actions.
If, she removes him from the room it's not for long and he comes straight back in to repeat the action.

Scary story.
She saw him the other day, giving his teddy a lovely cuddle, saying duddle, and kissing him.
Then he would take the teddy to the corner of the room and stomp all over it.
She shouted that it was naughty and hauled him from the room.
He said his sorrys, then came back in to repeat the process.
This story is from my mum, I have no idea what the conclusion was, I can only imagine it was to sigh and let it continue.

Another one. He loves to stomp on granny's toes. Best when she has no shoes on, and he does.
Then he giggles the sweetest giggle.
What does anyone do?
Giggle back.

Oh but he is only little, it's just a game.

I certainly hope, when her toddler first hits the new baby, that she doesn't go apeshit at him. Because she is teaching him that it's ok to hit, simply by not teaching him that it's not. So anything he does to that baby - hit, scratch, whatever, will be the fault of her and her husband. I just hope she sees it that way and doesn't go all protective over the baby at the expense of a toddler who is what they are making him.

2 questions
You say he is 2 , but could you be more precise-just turned 2 or nearly 3? There is a big difference in maturity.
Also who was looking after your DS during the 3 day absence ?

is he actually 1? you say is 2 in feb

tbh if he is 21 months and violent, it is hard to reason. removing and distracting are the inly things thatvwill work. if yours were on an ipad he wanted, it probably was easiest to just remove the ipad.

if your sis has stopped taking him to playgroups, thats probably for the best until he calms down a bit

can you just meet up outdoors for a few months? room to run around and play

i am basing this on my understanding that he is one, not two.

At 21m he is hardly more than a baby.Apart from removing him and getting him to apologise, what more do you expect her to do ?

He's not being socialised well, I don't know what you do about that either. :(

Your Sis is setting him up for a fall, and thats sad, when he gets to school and continues, hes gonna be class as one of the those naughty children, and it wont even be his fault.

My Nephews, Niece and DD have never repeatedly hit like that, and if they have hit, they've been told off for it.

So this boys being boys thing is bullshit, hes learned from his parents its acceptable. If he does hit the baby, then shes gonna get a massive shock.

You have my sympathies OP it is frustrating and I have a similar situation. My DS is 2 and DN is 2.5 and if we ever get them together he is pinching, hitting, scratching or winding my DS up in some way.

We minimise contact. Everyone MIL is very protective over PFB DN and we would be seen as unreasonable to say anything.

At 21m he is hardly more than a baby.Apart from removing him and getting him to apologise, what more do you expect her to do?

I agree with this. What else is she supposed to do? If my 2.5yo pushes another child at toddler group I pick him up, tell him we do not push, we wait our turn, hold him back for a minute then put him back down. That does not guarantee he'll never do it again!

And as for the disapproval at the boy being removed from toddler groups, plenty of people on here are told to do that when their toddlers are going through a hitting or biting phase. That is the only other option surely, if saying 'no' isn't getting through.

If the question is how to stop DN from hitting I think there are a few things worth trying like distracting him or removing him or, depending on his understanding, telling him that if he does it again he can't be in the same room as DS.

However, I suspect the real problem is your DSis's and DBil's unwillingness to deal with the behaviour. In which case your only choice is to protect your DS and remove him from the situation. I can appreciate that it's going to be tough because it's family but if your DSis will not act you have to.

His father sounds like a meat puppet

Not much you can do if his parents are encouraging and enabling the behaviour. I think you will just have to see less of them and keep the children apart unless you are personally there to supervise and protect your child. I have a friend who has had to do similar recently, it's sad for everyone but you can't let your child be used as a punchbag just because his father is a dickhead and his mother hasn't got the guts to stand up to him.

YANBU.

They need to remove their son completely if he keeps hitting your DS, or keep a v close eye on him all the time. Unfortunately if you have child that hits at 2 you can't just leave them to play with other children - the only thing you can do is remove them or physically prevent it, so unfortunately for them they are not going to be able to relax and leave their son unattended with your DS, or any other children.

"Just being a boy" is an awful thing to say. Your DS is a boy too and quite rightly isn't hitting anyone!

Yes, he doesn't fully understand his actions at this age, so they have to be on hand to remove him. Your SIS and her partner are being lazy IMO.

initgrand - "apart from removing him what do you expect them to do"

That is what they need to do - remove him. But they need to keep doing it rather than just doing it once and going back to whatever else they were doing.

"his daddy plays rough play with him, showing him to pretend hit, jumping on daddy etc.
His son then attempts the same games with my DS."

Well, clearly as the parents engage in this game, it is unfair for your ds that he cant join in. Tell him this is a game that cousin really likes to play, and join in!

Maybe the 2 year old will change his mind about how fun this game is, then.

DC needs firmer boundaries and if they refuse to provide them best keep your distance. Your poor son! Can you tell them that DS is so upset with being hit constantly that you have decided to have a break from seeing the cousin for DS's sake. DS's needs shouldn't be ignored. Ask your mum not to let your sister know the kids are there.

Secondly, chat to your kids/parents/sister before a play date and tell them that the next time DC hits, he will be warned - if he hits DS again you are taking your family away instantly. Carry the threat through and remove your kids ignoring adult comments. You need to put your sons needs first. Stay calm and in control. Treat your kids after for their patience.

Lastly his behaviour is not normal. All the issues will be highlighted when he starts school and behaves badly.

Make your sons needs priority. It's important to demonstrate to your kids that they don't have to put up with crap. Show them its ok just to leave someone's house when being physically hurt.

What I don't understand is how it got to the stage of a 21 month old being soooo very violent towards your son.

I think your nephew is getting a hard time of it here. He's only 21 months. It seems like he's being removed and told off an awful lot despite it not actually working. Is stamping on a teddy really worth a telling off? He could just want to see if it squashes etc, it doesn't mean he's destined to be a thug. Also, with respect, many of these things you hear of second hand because you aren't there. I have a 6 yr old and 17 month old so not that differing in age to your ds and dn. Sometimes toddler will want to join in with something and rather than let her dd lifts it away from her, says no etc which upsets younger dd. My dd doesn't hit thankfully but she is upset by her behavior and not being a brat in my opinion - toddlers get frustrated if constantly excluded and can't express that well, you aren't there to see how your ds has behaved in the run up to the aggression from dn. If you're so gravely concerned at the threat a one year old poses, you should be there.

Ds used to bear the brunt of his younger cousins aggression until I gave him permission to hit back. Funnily enough Dn didn't like that too much.
Honestly you can't influence others parenting, just distance yourself as much as possible and if it happens again, leave immediately, your ds needs to know you'll fight his corner.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but have the same sort of story.

DB's DS is 5 years younger than DS2. The two boys do get on, but for quite a while a couple/few years ago, DS2 was having a hard time DN. As DN was so much younger, DS2 was always blamed when something happened. It happened so much that we wouldn't allow them to be alone together. I always made sure that either DH, I or one of our other two DC were around when DS2 and DN were playing. That couldn't always happen when, for example, all of my siblings and I and our spouses and DC got together.

Finally, DS2 said that he thought that DB didn't like him as he was always taking DN's side against DS2. I told DB that and he was horrified. He hadn't seen it like that. Since that day, there hasn't been another incident at all, honestly.

Perhaps you could tell your Sis that DS thinks that she doesn't like him as he's always getting told off and not comforted when something happens to him. Maybe worth a try?

revels I hope she realises that she needs to get on top of it,before the baby comes.
retroformica I wouldn't like to say that he is soooo very violent but hitting is not a nice thing to have to experience every time you visit with your cousin. And a worry for how he imagines he will be able to play with his sibling given that he thinks its ok to do so with his cousin.
I don't think I would be able to claim that DS is upset by it.
The only time he has really hurt DS was this weekend.
He seems to cope very well.
But . . . . . . That just doesn't make it ok.
Just meaning that I can't say that because it wouldn't be believed.

figrolls I wasn't there because I was attending a course. Normally I am but I have let it get as far as I have simply because I hoped that it was improving but after drawing blood and more stories of this weekend having more hitting going on, that's why I am here to ask advice about what to do from here on.
My course is 2 days every month, I haven't really got another option for where to put them. I waited 2 years for this course, it is unlikely to be repeated any time soon.

quintessential nice idea :) but DS would flatten him and end up in bother.
I would rather take the high ground.

Mim78 that's what I thought, I had to say, and I don't normally take her on when she makes silly statements like that, but this time I had to.
I said that he is perhaps a ( insert her married name here) boy because my DS is a boy and never hit anyone, so she couldn't say it was just normal 'boy' behaviour.
I was met with silence.

mercibucket I did remove the ipad in the end, and encouraged my pair to play with their cousin.
But that is only one instance, others are when DS is playing on the floor and DN decides he wants to do something else, then returns to hit DS.
DS and DD can't follow DN about dancing to his tune. I know we are talking about a 21 month old but still.
It appears that it is inevitable, no matter what they do, that at some point DS will be hit if he is not watching DN in trepidation of when.

intitgrand DS and DD were staying with my mum and dad.

Mondayschild that's just it, I don't feel I can say much. Though I have said to my mum that I worry for the NB when it arrives. And a friend told me, today, that my mum has admitted to her that she knows DN is, her words, wild.
For me, that helps, because even if my mum doesn't say it to me, at least she is aware.

YANBU

It's a pet hate of mine - people who let younger children hit older children.

Of course he doesn't understand, he's 2, but he should be removed an your sis should make sure your DS is OK. I had a hitter and biter so I know what I'm talking about

Me again

It's very common for DCs this age to hit, and not a fore-telling of delinquency, if it is dealt with steadily and consistently. It won't stop over-night even then, but it can't be allowed to affect your DS