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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take my "turn" this Christmas?

55 replies

GogoGobo · 17/11/2013 15:06

In a nutshell, me and DH have hosted for England over the last decade. Christmas for immediate and extended families, birthdays, NYE dinner parties, Family gatherings etc.

last year, I was very poorly in the 2 months before Christmas so we made the decision to be low key, stay at home with 2 yr old DS and dog.

I bloody LOVED it! The quiet, calm, pleasing ourselves....
SIL stayed at home with her DH and Kids and invited her mum, my lot did their own thing.
Well, this year we are not extending any big invites and are looking to "please" ourselves. My family are fine with this ("dont't blame you") but SIL has said its our "turn" to have mil....problem is twofold. We can't please ourselves if we have MIL and she is definitely te type of person who needs to be diluted by alcohol (me) and a group to make her bearable!

Soooo AIBU to just say we are staying home and not extending an invite to anyone...

OP posts:

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 17/11/2013 15:50

If that's the case just say that you will have her next year, at least that way she knows that you don't plan on never having mil again

raisah · 17/11/2013 15:53

Is it possible to book into a hotel/restaurant for all who want to come for Christmas dinner? That way you can spend the am at home & then pop out for a few hours for lunch, see everyone & then come home. Everybody should pay for their own lunch so it's not a financial burden on anyone. You could extend the invite to your own family so you see every one in at the same time & not required to host for the rest of the holidays. It's a compromise situation, you don't have to do it if it doesnt suit you, my work colleague is doing this & then flying out on boxing day.

LibraryBook · 17/11/2013 15:55

How old is the MIL? Could you all club together and send her on a cruise?

Hullygully · 17/11/2013 15:57

But why DON'T you say 10-1 (politely)?

stressedsister1 · 17/11/2013 16:02

YANBU

However, whilst I can see how you having for the last MIL 10/11 years definitely entitles you to another few years off, if SIL wants to "take turns" just make sure she has your MIL every other year from now on, no exceptions. Just remind her that it is "her turn". You were a bit silly to agree to do it every year for so long.

If you don't invite anyone other than MIL, it shouldn't be a huge amount of extra work.

Why does she need "a group to make her bearable" if she is "very introverted"? Most people who need a group to make them bearable are annoyingly loud, quite the opposite.

tumbletumble · 17/11/2013 16:04

But although it's 10-1, am I right in thinking that when you hosted MIL for 10 years in a row you also had your family there to 'dilute' her? And also that you enjoyed hosting for those 10 years and (until last year) were not looking to change things?

Sorry but it just sounds like you expect to choose the xmas you like and SIL to pick up the pieces.

Pancakeflipper · 17/11/2013 16:14

Do please note whilst we bicker about who should have Inlaws and parents (not referring to the toxic varieties) but often the grandchildren love seeing their grandparents at Christmas.

My siblings and cousins have great Christmas memories of our grandparents whilst our parents gritted teeth and served up another sherry.

headoverheels · 17/11/2013 16:27

I feel that this is unfair on SIL. For the last 10 years you wanted to host. This year you don't want to. SIL doesn't seem to get a choice and just has to fall in with what you decide. You had your quiet family Xmas last year, this time it's SIL's year.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/11/2013 16:34

Could MIL host xmas and invite you all? That way you would each do one year out of 3.

teenagetantrums · 17/11/2013 16:49

how old is your mil, if she is young enough to do her own thing why don't you just leave her to it? if you don't want her don't invite her.

Original poster

GogoGobo · 17/11/2013 16:52

stressedsister1 i find the fact she is introverted a bit challenging. No conversation, yes/no to everything. I am from quite a loud family so its taken me a while to understand shes not in a piss/being rude with her silence or nodding an answer. A big group makes it feel a little less oppressive.

I feel I am veering towards the "it's our turn" and sucking it up.
I do agree that it is a bit like I've had my hostey Christmases and now I'm changing the landscape so that probably is a bit selfish.

pancakeflipper very true about kids loving having their grandparent regardless. I too remember granny sat inthe corner....whilst my mum was in the kitchen muttering to herself.

OP posts:

colleysmill · 17/11/2013 17:02

We have fallen into turn taking as both my MIL and my dad are widowed. Tbh I couldnt bear for them to be on their own although my dad often says he would manage ok.

I find ensuring plenty of wine, g & ts and port works wonders!

MarianForrester · 17/11/2013 17:06

YANBU.

You've done lots of hosting over the years. Offer Boxing Day if you feel guilty. Though you shouldn't. I don't think that just because someone is difficult it should be assumed they should be treated with kid gloves, and it's very wicked not to want them for Christmas. You reap what you sow......maybe MIL should be nicer

Marylou2 · 17/11/2013 17:16

YANBU it's your christmas so spend it any way you please.Sounds like MIL is a pain and that is her issue not yours.Have a lovely Christmas.

colleysmill · 17/11/2013 17:17

Last time we had MIL she was piddled by 6 o clock (as were we all) and it was hilarious. Highlight of my bils Christmas!

Kundry · 17/11/2013 18:06

Would it actually bother MIL to be on her own on Christmas day if she knew she was seeing you all on other days quite close to it?

Or do you all just feel guilty and that she shouldn't be alone?

My mum is on her own and I am an only child but as soon as I got married she announced that me and my DH should have Christmas by ourselves. We went to hers the weekend before.

If we went for the 'no-one should be alone school' we would be doing every Christmas with her, none with the ILs and none focussed on us. This would only leave us resenting her. It's likely we will host about every other year in the long run.

She'd be livid if she thought we were having her because of guilt, or just because it's the done thing. If I said 'I couldn't bear it' she'd point out it wasn't about me.

Make your own plans, make sure they include MIL somewhere but don't end up in a 'turns' system.

RevelsRoulette · 17/11/2013 18:17

So will you have to do another 10 years before it's your sister in law's turn again?

Some people have short memories when it suits them, don't they? I did last year so it's YOUR TURN and I will choose to forget the entire decade before that because it doesn't fit my argument.

I simply couldn't resist making it clear that it was not, in fact, my turn! Even if I did host. I'd still have to do it [petty]

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/11/2013 18:23

Op could mil host xmas and have you all there?

Chottie · 17/11/2013 18:26

I had years of having a difficult aunt every Christmas. The best one was when DD was given a book '1001 knock knock jokes'. DD spent the day reading knock knock jokes to aunt and aunt actually laughed and enjoyed herself!

Original poster

GogoGobo · 17/11/2013 20:01

kundry your mum sounds lovely, really in touch with the realities of Christmas! mil will go to her brothers is she doesn't come to me or her dd, so won't be alone.
revels I feel pretty hacked off that the phrase "turn" is being used after i hosted for a decade!

OP posts:

Original poster

GogoGobo · 17/11/2013 20:05

yourebeingasillybilly i am sure mil would host but i am not sure how to suggest it. She is very introverted and not a natural at suggesting stuff. We would be cramped but it would be doable. I might ask DH to just ask if she'd be up for it.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/11/2013 20:07

Definitely worth a try OP. if she is able for it then no reason why she cant do her fair share. Also, in our family we all chip in and help regardless of whose house it is being held at so nobody would be left in the kitchen for hours on their own. That could be your convincer to get MIL to host.

Xenadog · 17/11/2013 20:26

I think OP you might want to ask your MiL about what she wants to do. Maybe she wants to go to her DD's?

If she is happy to come to you then there would be huge guilt on your part for maybe leaving her at home alone on Christmas day if SiL doesn't host her.

Personally I think if you do have MiL over for Christmas keep it low key. I would explain that she is welcome but based on last year's experience you would like to run Christmas in a certain way and she is more than welcome to join in but that is what you have planned. She can either decide to come along and fit in or decide to go to SiL's or do her own thing.

I personally wouldn't like to think of a relative being on their own at Christmas unless they wanted to be (I have done this several times but always through choice) and would just suck it up. This doesn't mean I would be bending over backwards to please them - I would please myself and my immediate family and welcome them to join in and fit in.

BrickorCleat · 17/11/2013 20:40

I do feel sorry for the people who nobody seems to want at times like xmas

There are literally thousands of them.

Some alone through tragic unfortunate circumstances.

Some are absolute knob jockeys and it is no surprise to me that their families want to spend precious Christmas time with those whose company they love rather than waste it with dull annoying fools.

Those big hearted types on this thread, maybe divvy up the unwanted ones between you and get a nice holy glow from hosting the untouchables.

OP, just politely let everyone know your day en famille was so special you're doing it again this year, and that your MIL us welcome perhaps Boxing Day or the 26th for turkey curry.

No guilt, though, that will negate your stand.

Kundry · 17/11/2013 20:45

Thanks my mum is lovely but that's after me having a shedload of therapy

If I'd had mumsnet when I was 25-30 I'd have been filling up the boards with toxic mother threads and probably be non-contact now!

If you change, the family will change to accommodate you. They may hate it and be horrible and they will try v v v hard for you to fall back in line but the pain is worth it when you are out the other side. Stick to your guns, YANBU - no hosting Christmas!

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