Dreading visit from sil

[Cupcakesandcream]

Hi everyone,

Well as the title suggests, I have been dreading this visit from sil all week. So much so that I haven't slept properly for most of it.
To give some background, this woman (who really could be called a child as she behaves like one), has been a consistent pain in the bum for most of the 9 years me and my partner have been together. She creates havoc when she doesn't get her own way, is spoiled and always has to be the centre of attention. She lives alone and seems to do nothing but criticise others. The problem is my partner, although he can see some of this, is completely manipulated by her.
Over the years she has been trusted to look after my children, but a catalogue if inappropriate events, such as showing my 12 year old daughter how to get on dating sites and my son ending up with a burnt hand after she used a table lamp to look for a missing toy under a cupboard (he burnt his hand on the bare bulb), have resulted in me refusing to let her have my children in her sole care. This has made me public enemy number one and for the past three or four years,she has talked behind my back, turned members of their family against me and generally made my life miserable.
She is a particularly clever person though and despite slagging me off with my partners ex on facebook, has managed to somehow pull the wool over my partners eyes and because I have tried to explain how all this makes me feel to him, and I've gotten angry, he thinks its me who has the problem!
This is a person who is often in conflict with others and whom not many people take to when they first meet, due to her haughty and dominating demeanour.
Anyway she is coming round later and I'm dreading it - she makes me feel awkward and upset in my own home and I just don't know how to deal with it today?

Do I go off to tidy a bedroom or do the ironing and stay out of her way? Or try my hardest (again), to be nice to her?

I know she will find a way to put me down, or try to cause upset between me and my partner by asking if she can take my kids out, knowing I will say no. Either way, whatever happens she always manages to make me look like the bitch and I just don't know how she does it. I just feel lie running away!

Oooooo, I have a similar situation with mine.

She looked after DS when he was four and I came home to find him with a plastic bag over his head.

She also likes to ciritise me.

Just stay out of her way, don't take the bait.

If she gets too much feel free to PM me and RANT!

Good luck!!

Thank you MrsRajeshKoothrappali for your reply, it Ames me feel better to know I'm not alone. I don't know why I'm letting her het to me like this, I think it's because of the injustice - she gets away with all this nastiness and trouble making and my dh refuses to accept that she is toxic!

It's your DH who is the problem here I think. He can't see her for what she is.

Do what i did, go non contact
You don't have to put up with family members just because you are related. Your dh can visit her in her own home, problem solved!

Oh yes you will be talked about, i was! but you get to the point where that is better than the alternative, putting up with toxic behaviour that you wouldn't take from a friend for example! And the dreaded worry over visits, it was like being nervous on a school day

I think with people like that, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

So if your SIL is a loon, and you hang around, she'll be a cow and upset you and slag you off later. If you go out, she'll slag you off later. I'd be thinking, why spend time with the bitch?

Tell dh you have no wish to intrude on his precious time with his beloved sister, and take yourself off to the shops/cinema/pub for the afternoon.

My worry then though is that she'll wind up being left alone with my children and then have the opportunity to invite them out with her/to stay at hers when she knows they aren't allowed. She has done this so many times before - got them all excited to go out with her then I look like the bad guy telling them no. I feel like I need to stay around so that she can't pull this type of trick again...

I also am aware that she plays the 'little miss persecuted' card when I'm not there, asking my dh why I don't like her and "what have I done so wrong" comments to him that make him feel sorry for her and make me look bad. She is a genius at manipulation and I just don't know how to deal with it! Yet all the time she slags me off to anyone that will listen!

Mine is a Harpey. She goes nc for ages then shows up when she wants something from fil (she's only dh's half sister) causes havoc then buggers off again.

Last time was our engagement party. She turned up, told friends and family I was only after the money and wasn't good enough. Was rude to my parents and friends and accused me in front of everyone of sleeping with our best man. Nice.

I got very angry when it was suggested that he was important enough to be invited to our wedding. Reason ring that fil was apparently not a good dad to her and he was trying to make it up with her. Questioned why this had to happen on our day, and I was the dhead. Put my foot down and made dh choose who he wanted at the wedding. Me or her.

We haven't seen her since.

such as showing my 12 year old daughter how to get on dating sites

That should be the reason that she isnt allowed at your house, and law down the law to your OH that if he lets your kids around her, he can go live with her.

is there any reason you can't go out with the kids before she gets there?

ive fallen out with fil and refuse to let him see the kids, im sure im slagged off but you know what? I don't give a shiney shite as the inlaws mean nothing to me so I don't care what they say about me one tiny, infinitesimal little bit.

find your rage and use it. stop pussy footing around her.

Totally agree bamboo my sentiments exactly!

such as showing my 12 year old daughter how to get on dating sites

Agree with the others. Anyone showing my 13 yr old DD how to get on dating sites would be shown the door, probably with my boot up their arse. This is NOT acceptable, and your DH needs to understand just how inappropriate this was.

The problem lies with your DH, he should trust you and believe your version of events. You could draw a line under it all but tell hem you are only putting up with any further shenanigans and expect his full support in future.

My sil is a nightmare and like pumpkinsweetie we have gone non contact. Eventually you have to protect yourself and your family.

Has he even considered that his Sis, stupid antics with your DD, could have potentially led to her being groomed by a pervert.

Going out and taking the kids isn't an option - because the incident with the dating site happened a few years ago, my dd1 is now grown up almost and my dh thinks she deserves another chance. Trouble is she has had various chances, little things like bringing the kids sweets and giving them to them just before she knows were' about to eat, or theres the bigger things like posting pics of her step neice and step mum fast asleep in the car - whilst she is driving! (you can clearly see the road whizzing by in the background)!
Despite all this she still persists in trying to force the issue - she once bought peppa pig bedding and decorated a room in her flat so my dd2 could go and stay when she knew full we'll dd wasn't allowed. she then took dd2 to one side and told her all about it and told her to ask me can she stay. This is after being told over and over that I don't feel comfortable with dd2 staying there.
My dh feels like she is still his sister and so while he accepts she's not to be on her own with them, he wants me to compromise and have her visit them here. For him I am ok with this, but for me it's hell on earth! He just refuses to believe that she's so nasty behind my back - she sneers at me when he's not looking!
I guess I'm just looking for help with dealing with her manipulative ways whilst she's here. Dh knows I've not slept and I look like crap, but do I put on make up so it looks like I'm not fazed by her and pretend to be all happy and confident? Or do I say sod ya, I'm staying in my comfies and its my house and I'm not making an effort for you. Just don't know which is the best way to play it x
I must sound really sad but its quite complicated, she is such a complex character

I'd stay around, to defend my turf, dressed and looking together, and hold the appropriate boundaries/not let her behave inappropriately with kids, as she can't be trusted not to do something tiresome.

For example, swoop on sweets 'thanks. We can enjoy them after our meal' etc.

If she must really come round, show her who is boss and be ready with quick sharp answers and sentences if she is going to be manipulative. Aswell as that, dress in something casual and hold your head up. That should be enough to stop her coming for a good while

You are so not alone with this. The problem is your DH as said above. And with people like this you are dammed if you do/don't, also pointed out above.

Withdraw and don't give her any time or attention.

We play SIL bingo when we see her now. You set out a list with points for she says or does things that truly get on my/DH's wick. Then instead of concentrating on the shitty shite that comes out of her mouth and how upsetting it is you are instead mentally counting up how many points you've got in SIL bingo. Loser has to buy the other booze (very necessary after a visit from SIL).

Worked for 24hours recently.

Sadly we can't go NC due to PIL and she's probably not as bad as yours.

Just a more light hearted way to deal with dreaded SIL.

I feel a bit sorry for her, actually. Do you really think that she deliberately set out to injure your children? I don't know the woman, obviously, and I've only read your side of the story, but it sounds as if you really have it in for her. She's bound to have picked up on that; no wonder it's awkward when she comes to visit and no wonder she's difficult. Why not give her another chance?

Finance princess - the instances I've described are two/three of many. The manipulation and underhand tactics she has (and continues to) use, have become the norm with her. (She isn't only like this with me, she will behave this way to get her own way with whomever she needs to).
I have always tried to remain friendly towards her, and don't 'have it in for her' as you suggest, that just isn't in my nature. I don't have and never had had issues with any other person, whereas she is always in conflict or arguments with someone or other.
I appreciate your suggestion that my reaction to her ways could be counterproductive, and I have made conscious efforts during the years, to ensure this is not the case. When she struts into my house later looking down her nose at me, I'm afraid it is me who is intimidated and upset by her behaviour, rather than the other way around.

I also am aware that she plays the 'little miss persecuted' card when I'm not there, asking my dh why I don't like her and "what have I done so wrong" comments to him that make him feel sorry for her

Can he not say something like "What you have done wrong is to burn my son's hand through daft irresponsible behaviour and decide that it is appropriate to encourage a 12 year old girl to go on inappropriate websites, and I'm not going to discuss it any further"?

I think you get dressed put your war paint on and don't leave her alone with dh. I would monitor everything she says and if she makes a funny face I would act all innocent and say are you ok? You look pained? It's your house, your family and what right does she have to stir things up? She's coming as a guest so she can damn well be pleasant or leave. So there!

Stay put. Call her out on everything and tell her not to be ridiculous if she starts on the being a tit trip