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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this

47 replies

daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 09:45

Nc for this.

I just found out that my DD and Dsil are taking my DGD for a weekend to somewhere I wanted to go with them but they are taking their friends instead. I have looked after DGD since she was 3mths old, she is now 2yrs, while my DD works. I also look after their animals when they go away, look after my 2 DGS's before and after school and feed them. I have also supplied all toys etc for DGD while she is at my house.

We are struggling financially and probably couldn't afford to go with them anyway but I am hurt that we weren't asked and its just assumed that we will be here to take care of the animals.

I adore my GC and have never asked for any payment for childcare, or have been offered any, so AIBU to want to be included in special outings?

BTW, my DD has not even told me their plans, I found out via a mutual friend.

OP posts:
DeepThought · 17/11/2013 09:50

awwww I am sure it hurts but you are over reacting about their day out a teeny bit

Why doesn't your daughter pay you for looking after her child? now THAT is worth over reacting at!

Original poster
daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 09:55

She doesn't pay me because I am retired and have nothing else to do all day Sad

OP posts:
fifi669 · 17/11/2013 09:55

In all honestly after looking after the children that much I doubt she thought you wanted to see them more!

Just tell her how you feel, life's too short

3littlefrogs · 17/11/2013 09:58

Your DD sounds thoughtless and ungrateful.

I would feel very hurt too OP. YANBU.

Joysmum · 17/11/2013 09:58

Does she know for sure this is a place you'd like to go to with them? If you don't think she's fully appreciates how much you'd like to go, or more importantly, go there with them, then I can see why you'd be sensitive but see why they don't think it's a big deal.

There are lots of places my mum and my step mum and dad want to go but not necessarily with us and we'd assume they just go if they wanted to that much.

FestiveEdition · 17/11/2013 09:59

I can understand feeling hurt, but think this is one of those very difficult balances in which being a GP is not the easiest of roles.
Two scenarios sprang to mind when I read your post.

  1. your DD actually wanted to protect you from feeling disappointment - they can't actually afford to take you along, and didn't want you to feel embarrassed at saying you couldn't afford it. Which also explains not mentioning the trip. I can see one of my DD's taking this approach in this sort of situation
  2. which I suspect is more likely ....they have simply booked a family thing to do. However involved we are as GPs, they are still a little family in their own right and are very likely to want to do things by themselves .... even if it is something we might have liked to do, too. However much we support them, because we love them and adore our GC's, it doesn't but us any rights to always do things with them. Sometimes it can disappoint, but you just have to take it on the chin.

I do feel for you. But also would say that I don't think its about : here is the stack of what I do ...... and here is the stack of what you give back to me! We help because we can, and we love them,but we also have to remember how we felt as young mums....and how much we treasured it just having time to be 'our little unit, on our own'.

Original poster
daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 10:02

She knew I wanted to go to this place specifically and I'm upset that she didn't even tell me they are going but just assumed that I would be happy to not be included and be available to look after the animals.

I love spending time with my GC but sometimes I feel I am taken for granted.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 17/11/2013 10:12

I think YABU to be hurt that they wanted to go away with friends rather than their parents. Most people would- let's be honest.

Your daughter sounds like an ungrateful user tho. Maybe time you had a word.

FestiveEdition · 17/11/2013 10:13

I think all of us probably feel taken for granted now and then! it comes as part and parcel of the GCs seeing you as a second home, and always being on hand to help out. I don't think its any more deliberate than their experience that "Mum has always there for us". I would have to say, mine were far more vocal about acknowledging my help after I had a serious health scare, than they ever were previously.

The best solution is to talk it over with her - before it becomes a big festering resentment for you. Honesty is always the best policy IMO and you do need to make sure the air is cleared. Time for coffee, cake & a chat over the kitchen table Smile

As regards taking money/being paid for the help GPs give ....that is an "each to their own" decision, but personally I would chew off an arm before accepting money from my girls for the privilege of being so involved in my DGC growing up. It is my choice to give them that time, I am not losing money by doing it, and do see it as very much a two way benefit.
But thats me, and my situation. One cap doesn't fit all.

Original poster
daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 10:16

Thank you for your replies, its always helpful to hear other POV, maybe I just need to toughen up a bit and stop being so precious. Smile

OP posts:
DeepThought · 17/11/2013 10:17

yes you are being taken for granted

so, what to do? you are saving your daughter £££ per month in nursery or childminder fees. I think you could say to her, 'look, I love my time with little Emily (or whatever the name is!) but I need you to pay me a bit of money to offset things like heating the house, electric, during the daytime, I save you masses of money by having GDG, fair's fair' and ask for a set weekly amount.

can you not be availble to do the animals sometimes?

bakingaddict · 17/11/2013 10:23

How is their own financial situation? Maybe they have gone with friends because 2 lots of families on holiday halves the cost but a nice gesture, providing they are in the financial position, would have been to take you away to say thanks for all the unpaid childcare.

If and when I get the chance to look after my GC's my own thoughts are the same as Festive's. I wouldn't wont money for it but a nice gesture now and then to show thanks and appreciation would go down a treat. From the tone of your post OP, I get the feeling this might be missing from your DD

Original poster
daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 10:26

I dont really mind seeing to the animals, they do the same for us on the rare occasion we go away but I always give plenty of warning and ask if its ok before I book anything. They haven't yet told me they are going away, just assume I will be available.

They are well aware of the money I save them in childcare costs and although I'm happy to do it the occasional bottle of wine or even a thank you would be nice.

Maybe its my fault she is so self centered.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 17/11/2013 10:26

Daffodil: I feel for you.
It would have lovely if you DD had taken you and paid for you.

I'm so lucky as my DD is very thoughtful, but my friend's DD is quite thoughtless and mean to her parents.

You are obviously on a tight budget and spend money on your GCs, food, toys, heating.
Do you ever get to go away on holiday?
How comfortably off is your DD?

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 17/11/2013 10:27

What does your dd do? Why cannot she afford to pay you something? Can I ask what would happen if you couldn't look after your GC? What would happen if you decided to go out and get a job ?
I can see why you feel upset. It does seem like you are being treated like unpaid help.

FestiveEdition · 17/11/2013 10:31

baking - I agree with this point. My children do, indeed, do odd lovely things for me.
Not always things I would want Grin or [need] (remembering spa day & gel nails with a rueful grin) but the thought is there.
Hasn't stopped me feeling a bit left behind once or twice, when DSil has had time off and they have zoomed off to do something special ....but I know those are my issues. The kids are just doing normal family stuff.

In some ways, I think the more you are involved, the harder it becomes to ensure lines are kept.
People who only see their GCs for visits now and then just don;t have the issue.

Original poster
daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 10:32

bakingaddict they both have quite good salaries and although not well off by any means they would struggle to pay for full time child care.

I do understand that they prefer their friends to us oldies but its just the fact that she didn't tell me they were going when she knew it was somewhere I really wanted to go.

I dont want to be the sort of person who says "after all I do for you" but a bit of consideration would be nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 10:38

DD works shifts, sometimes starting at 7am so it would be difficult to get child care that early, if I didn't look after the GC she would struggle to work.

I love having the GC and DGD and I have a special bond as I have had her since 3mths old and I dont want to stop having them.

I took early retirement to be able to help with childcare so the chances of getting another job are slim.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 17/11/2013 10:39

Stop doing it all.

Do some when it suits you. Just because you're retired does not mean you are an unpaid nanny. You've done your child rearing and working and now is your time to relax and have some time for yourself.

DeepThought · 17/11/2013 10:39

Sad poor you, some of these things you have told us would really sting

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/11/2013 10:43

Where is it? Couldn't you just say you've heard they are going and you'd like to come along too?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 17/11/2013 10:50

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt - it's horrible :(

Your DD is acting like a spoilt, ungrateful little madam - it often happens when parents continue to do a lot for their children ... the 'children' don't appreciate it, until they get told 'no' then have to deal with the consequences.

Only you can decide if you want to say anything or not, maybe venting on here and knowing you aren't being unreasonable is enough for you and maybe it's not.

My Aunty used to have her DGD, which she loved, but she stopped because she felt she was becoming 'childminder' in the family's eyes and not a 'grandparent' - now she sees her less, but spends more quality time with her.

Catchhimatwhat · 17/11/2013 10:51

Is it Disney?

LalyRawr · 17/11/2013 10:51

I think I have been your DD at some points.

We've taken our daughter on days out, like yesterday we went to a Christmas Parade and fireworks show. Only after when speaking to MIL she mentioned she would have liked to go.

Now, I love my MIL, she also looks after DD for us, we also don't pay her (we tried but it was refused! We do pay for them to have dinner out about once a month though, also they are much better off than we are) so it's not a malicious thing, we just genuinely didn't think. We also like doing stuff just as our own tiny family. Otherwise it feels like a family day out for them while I'm just a tag a long?

Like we arranged to go to London Zoo when I was pregnant. I called OH the night before asking what he wanted for a packed lunch. He told me his mum was sorting it. He had invited his mum, dad, brother and two kids. Oh and now we were going to Colchester Zoo. So it was a family day out, but for his family. I was just the add on, when it was my idea and I was the one that wanted to bloody go to London Zoo!

So maybe they just genuinely didn't think? Maybe they just saw it as a nice day out for their own family?

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 10:52

I feel for you. Your DD is incredibly lucky to have you. Sometimes, when you are always there for them, people just assume, and while meaning no slight, haven't really thought about it. That can be very hurtful.