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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt by this

47 replies

daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 09:45

Nc for this.

I just found out that my DD and Dsil are taking my DGD for a weekend to somewhere I wanted to go with them but they are taking their friends instead. I have looked after DGD since she was 3mths old, she is now 2yrs, while my DD works. I also look after their animals when they go away, look after my 2 DGS's before and after school and feed them. I have also supplied all toys etc for DGD while she is at my house.

We are struggling financially and probably couldn't afford to go with them anyway but I am hurt that we weren't asked and its just assumed that we will be here to take care of the animals.

I adore my GC and have never asked for any payment for childcare, or have been offered any, so AIBU to want to be included in special outings?

BTW, my DD has not even told me their plans, I found out via a mutual friend.

OP posts:

LalyRawr · 17/11/2013 10:52

Oh but the assumption you'll be there to look after their animals is not cool. They definitely should have asked beforehand.

bakingaddict · 17/11/2013 10:56

I do feel for you daffodilly....I think your DD is a very thoughtless. The fact that she has been all coy about the holiday shows that she is aware that it's going to upset you.

Unfortunately we cannot prevent our children being selfish and there isn't much you can do but grin and bear it. IMO inviting yourself along will only tarnish the holiday. If they wanted you there they would have asked. All I can add is suggesting a family holiday next year. If the GC's are pre-schoolers then a UK cottage outside school holidays could be picked up for under £500 so everyone could start saving after Xmas

Original poster

daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 10:58

Not Disney but similar.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 17/11/2013 10:58

Laly It's a weekend away though, to somewhere the OP has told her DD she would like to go (presumably with her DGD - so I'm guessing somewhere like Disney or something). If her DD wanted to go with friends and not her Mum, the very least she could have done was be the one to tell her Mum and apologise. IMO anyway. Given that the DD isn't paying any childcare, 'shouting' her the trip away would have been the decent thing to do - once again IMO.

zipzap · 17/11/2013 11:01

Maybe now is the time for you to arrange a quick weekend away that weekend to visit friends and ask your dd to lookafter your pets for you and see what she says...

Maybe it was her friends that organised the trip and if it's somewhere she wants to go too she wanted to go but didn't feel she could ask for you to come too? trying to put a nice spin on it

Original poster

daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 11:03

Thank you all for your comments. I am going to wait until she tells me they are going and then I am going to tell her (in a nice way) how I feel taken for granted.

I hope she will be understanding.

Thank you all again, your lovely comments have made me well up.

OP posts:

RevelsRoulette · 17/11/2013 11:07

If you feel taken for granted then tell her. If you don't, then it is only going to continue to make you feel bad. It's ok to tell someone how you feel.

RevelsRoulette · 17/11/2013 11:07

x post.

pigletmania · 17/11/2013 11:07

Yanbu at all, sounds like she is taking advantage as your her mum. She knew you really wanted to go there, fair enough if she wanted to go with her friends but she shoud make an effort to take you separately. Think of hw much your saving her! I would sit down mabey and have a chat with her

FestiveEdition · 17/11/2013 11:55

Personally, I would separate the two conversations! or at least let one evolve into the next rather than saying "I feel taken for granted because you didn't invite me".
If they really are just doing it with friends because they are having time as a family, then that isn't about taking you for granted.

thebody · 17/11/2013 13:30

sometimes the more you do for your grown up kids the more they keep the role of child who expects you to jump to and help them.

there is a balance here and you are also entitled to have a life of your own.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 17/11/2013 17:10

Let us know how you get on x

Original poster

daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 17:53

They have just been round, nothing was said

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 17/11/2013 19:28

If they never said anything when they came round, are you sure they are going? Maybe they were just thinking of going, or maybe it's a surprise for you and you are going too?

ZenNudist · 17/11/2013 19:46

It's understandable that your dd doesn't always want to do things with you, but sounds like you understand that.

Are you sure she knows you'd like to go? Spell it out to her. Tell her you'd really like to come & it would be nice of her to pay. She needs to realise you are doing her an amazing favour & it would be nice if your contribution was acknowledged somehow.

Don't sell yourself short. I know you like spending time with your dgd but its still for your dd's convenience more than your benefit. She sounds selfish.

Original poster

daffodillysilly · 17/11/2013 20:20

They are definately going Squinkies and no, I wont be going as its now too short notice to find someone to look after the animals, hers and mine.

Zen She does know I wanted to go as we have talked about it before. I wouldn't be able to go now as they are going with friends and I wouldn't ask anyway. Its a fault of mine I know, but I always think that if someone wanted me there they would ask me, I shouldn't have to ask and make the other person feel awkward.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 17/11/2013 21:29

I think you are being over sensitive
They want to do a family thing with their friends. That's normal!
There is nothing to stop you taking the gc at a later date yourself

SueDoku · 17/11/2013 21:45

Tell them that you have arranged to take DGD for a special outing (to see Santa?) that weekend - and ask her to look after the animals... That way, she'll be forced to tell you that they are away.

More seriously, not paying you 'because you are retired and have nothing else to do all day' is not on. You may be retired, but you cannot be expected to provide all food, toys and heating for your DGD when she is with you - your DD needs to contribute (even if you save this money to really take your DGD away for a weekend...) to her daughter's upbringing. Coffee and a chat are called for...

Mellowandfruitful · 17/11/2013 21:53

Not at all short notice, you can get a petsitter in to feed/cuddle/walk them quickly. Search online and I bet there will be people.

I would actually raise the issue of payment before anything else, becaue otherwise it will risk looking like sour grapes when you have a genuine grievance here. She should certainly be giving you something towards the costs of looking after your DGD or at the very least treating you once a month or so to say thankyou. If you are strapped for cash you need to raise that and say you want to work out a fair contribution because it is making life difficult for you to keep doing it for nothing. Don't bring up the weekend away but make a plan yourself and when she asks you to do the animals say you won't be there.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairy · 17/11/2013 21:57

I think I would be unavailable to do the animals when she is away (unless she has another mug someone else to do them already).

She is walking all over you, no payment and no thanks.

I don't believe however that it is unforgivable of
her to go with friends the friends may have asked them, in which case it would be odd to say oh can my mum come too as it would change the dynamics of the group (I am being very charitable with this but it is a possibility).

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 17/11/2013 22:11

If dd works shifts then a live in nanny is what she needs. If she cannot afford this then she is kidding herself over what a good job she has.

If I had a mum or anyone who helped me out the way you have I would be either paying them or at the very least taking them to nice treats, especially a place where they had discussed wanting to go.

pigletmania · 18/11/2013 08:31

Exactly milly and nothing. I think that she is taking advantage of op goo nature

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