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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go to my cousins wedding?

31 replies

weddingwoes123 · 16/11/2013 12:37

My cousin and I were really close as children. Since we reached adulthood though, we dont see each other or even text/speak to each other on phone. Weve just drifted apart unfortunately. I maybe see her once a year when I bump into her in our hometown when im down there despite us only living around 20 miles away.

Four days before Christmas shes getting married. We have known about it for around 4 months, but as time is getting nearer, with Christmas coming up im just really struggling to be able to financially afford to go. I would have to stay over in a hotel at the wedding which is expensive, also drinks there would be dear, and then the outfit. Its all so bloody ridiculously expensive. Also, there will be hundreds of guests there, so theyre not going to miss me are they?!

Ive told my cousin I cant go for financial reasons, and now ALL my family has thrown a major strop at me. I feel really guilty and now im feeling immense pressure to go. Also, if I dont go, will I regret it not seeing her walk down the aisle? I dont know what to do! Dp told me to tell them to stuff themselves as im not particularly close to any of them, but the guiltiness at ruining my cousins big day is overwhelming.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 16/11/2013 12:40

Under those circumstances, I wouldn't go.

If anyone tries to tell you that your absence will 'ruin her big day' then they are being shit stirring drama lamas.

mrsjay · 16/11/2013 12:44

family weddings are a funny thing a cousin you dont see much of and then your family go all ragey because it is FAMILY , you will not ruin the day people are just tying to make you feel guilty your cousin will be fine if you are not there not that that is a reflection on you, iyswim I wouldnt go 4 days before christmas in your situation either, the last cousin wedding I was at the cousin had forgotten i was there she said to me after it, sorry you couldnt make the evening reception would have been nice to see you , I said urm I was there I kissed and congratulated you when we walked in , silly cow

Fairenuff · 16/11/2013 12:46

No, it won't ruin her big day and if you stick to your decisio, your family will get over it. Just repeat that you would love to go but, sadly, it's not within your budget. You hope she has a lovely day and look forward to hearing all about it and seeing the photographs. Once it's over everyone will forget about it and move on.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 16/11/2013 12:47

Hmm....a month befote the big day she will have given final numbers abd will be contractually obliged to pay for yours and your DPs places. In hindsight, you should have addressessed this much earlier.
As it is, I do think you need to suck it up.

Travel - can you bunk in.with someone to share petrol costs
Accomodation - cheap travelodge or have your nught away as a Christmas Gift from your folks
Outfits - wear something you already own

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 16/11/2013 12:49

There will.probably be wine on the table so drink that and then switch to soft drinks or, better still, chuck a few bottles of cheap wine in your bag and pop back.to the bedroom to refil oh no, Ive never done this!

Ms23 · 16/11/2013 12:49

Where is the wedding? Is it possible to drive there and back? Or share a hotel room with a family member? You don't have to drink! And surely you have something suitable to wear in your wardrobe? Or you could borrow something? Or ask for a dress as an early Christmas present?

monkeysox · 16/11/2013 12:53

Box of wine disguised as a present with tap accessible.

weddingwoes123 · 16/11/2013 12:56

Thanks for your replies. The way my family (and cousin) has made me feel is very very very guilty and my cousin is really upset im not going to be there.

Her confirming numbers is not a problem because she has a reserves list incase people like me cancel on her!

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 16/11/2013 12:58

She may well have a reserves list but how many on that list will want/be able to go at, wuite honestly, such short notice.

Especially the week of Christmas.

YABU.

whenwilltherebegoodnews · 16/11/2013 13:01

Ask those family members who are giving you a hard time to pay for tour accommodation etc?

whenwilltherebegoodnews · 16/11/2013 13:01

*your

diddl · 16/11/2013 13:03

Look, if you can't afford it, you can't!

Although you have, had 4 months to save if possible & Christmas is always when it is!

I'm not particularly close to cousins so wouldn't be bothered about missing out & I doubt that they would miss me tbh.

But if others are so bothered that you are there-perhaps they can pay!

Thumbwitch · 16/11/2013 13:04

Unless you are playing a major role in the wedding, you will not be missed, sorry.
If there are 100s of people there, it's unlikely that the B&G will register everyone who is there/not there, unless there will be empty seats at the wedding breakfast (people do tend to notice that, I'm afraid).

If however you think your cousin really will be upset, and this is going to cause an ongoing rift in the family, it might be a better idea to bite the bullet and go to the wedding.

Fairenuff · 16/11/2013 13:06

You have said you can't make it. If you change your mind now, it just encourages people to try and boss you into doing things you don't want to. If you stick to your guns, they will back off and leave you alone. Just be firm.

mrsjay · 16/11/2013 13:10

Her confirming numbers is not a problem because she has a reserves list incase people like me cancel on her

a what really I would hate to be on the reservebench list Hmm I would just apologise and leave it wish her well etc you can't afford it there is no need to let guilt eat you up

Lazysuzanne · 16/11/2013 13:11

How selfish of them to expect you to suffer financial hardship just to please them!

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 13:13

I'm having trouble working out why your cousin would be in the slightest upset? you don't really see each other now you are grown up and its more ( from your post op) that its your family who want you to go to this wedding, so, forgive me if I'm wrong, but would it be the case that actually your family don't like your Partner and think its your partner who is trying to persuade you not to go?
I only say that because there is a gap between, you told your cousin you are not going , but you feel guilty that you are ruining her big day, and logically you have no real emotional connection to your cousin, but you do your family so its them you feel guilty about being upset.
And as you made no mention of your partner other than " tell them to stuff it" suggests your DP isn't keen at all to go with you, or isn't welcome by your family?

weddingwoes123 · 16/11/2013 13:18

Hello Judy,
My family arent really welcoming to my partner. They arent horrible to him, just not close to him like I am his family. His mum and dad are more or less my mum and dad :) while my mum and dad barely know dp and thats because they havent took the time to get to know dp despite dp trying to organise get togethers to bond with them. dp was invited, but he would feel really awkward being there. hes never met my cousin.

OP posts:
JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 13:35

So maybe this is more about family politics, and your family are trying to get from you a show of support to them and not your partners side with them pushing you to almost "Pick a side" his or ours?
Do you think that if you didn't go your family would say cut off contact with you ? or maybe constantly bring it up if you did see them?
Deep down, do you want to go? if everyone got along.

weddingwoes123 · 16/11/2013 13:38

Even if everyone got along I wouldnt be able to afford it. Thats really the reason thats stopping us. I just feel tremendous guilt seeing as my cousin has said shes really upset I wont be there :(

OP posts:
MarjorieChardem · 16/11/2013 13:47

Could you maybe just go for some of it? Or call your cousin and explain your financial circumstances and offer to take her out for a meal? Don't blame you for not going though, a wedding that close to Xmas is a bit silly and it is to be expected that some people can't afford that.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 13:48

well makes no sense to me why someone who barely knows you as an adult would be so upset at you not being able to afford to go to her wedding, if she is that upset then she needs to pay for you to go,
But then I don't get why you feel so guilty, if you've grown apart,
whats to feel bad about,maybe I should leave this to other MN's
who understand it better.
hope it works out for the best though.

vj32 · 16/11/2013 13:48

I think YABU to have not done anything about it until now. But, your family shouldn't try and guilt you into going if you can't afford it.

If the Bride really wanted you there she could have given more notice and not chosen to get married a few days before Christmas!

BillyBanter · 16/11/2013 13:53

What did your cousin say? give her a call and say look I would absolutely love to come but we simply can't afford it.

If your cousin is ok about it then you can say to the rest 'Cousin is fine with it and it is her wedding so keep your beak out'.

Alternatively could you just go yourself? Less costly and maybe you could stay with a relative.

MummyBeerest · 16/11/2013 14:09

Oh God, Christmas weddings. While theoretically a very romantic idea, simply not practical for a lot of people.

Also...4 days before Christmas and a cash bar? Awful.

That being said, if family is really busting your balls about the whole thing, maybe ask if they can take you and Dp in for the evening? Since your not being there will obviously ruin her big day.

Wear something you already own. Winter weddings make it acceptable to wear trousers.

If it is cash bar, just stick to table wine.

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