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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave my 4 month old with PIL for 7 hours

47 replies

Sunflower1985 · 15/11/2013 22:07

I have a 3 1/2 mo ds. Ages ago my DH bought tickets to a concert for the end of November. Together with travelling it would mean leaving my ds for at least 7 hours with PIL.
The thing is I just can't do it. I can't bear to leave him. He is mixed fed but I breastfeed through the night. I feed him to sleep and don't know how he'd react without me being there.
I told DH today how I was feeling and he's very upset. Thinks I'm giving up on the relationship. Now he's giving me the silent treatment interspersed with comments about how I'm ruining our marriage, damaging our son and am weak for giving in to my anxiety.
I don't know what to do!?!?

OP posts:
eightandthreequarters · 15/11/2013 22:12

Well, your DH sounds like a drama llama and seriously insensitive.

But on the issue of the PIL: are you worried about the care they would provide? Or just worried because you have never left the baby?

misspontypine · 15/11/2013 22:13

YANBU. I wouldn't want to leave my ds for 7 hours and he is 11 months Blush

Could you plan something at home, a lovely romantic meal and great film. Maybe He could go to the concert with a friend so the tickets are not wasted.

He should be pleased that you are such an attentive mother.

eightandthreequarters · 15/11/2013 22:14

Also, could you try leaving the baby for an hour or two first, then see how you get on? 7 hours first time out will seem a long time to you. The baby will probably be thrilled with GP's constant attention.

nennypops · 15/11/2013 22:16

How on earth is not wanting to leave your son to go to a concert "giving up on the relationship" and ruining your marriage? Let alone damaging your son? I am truly mystified at dh's thought processes. If he's ready to run to the divorce courts for something like this, goodness knows how he'll react if he hits a real problem.

RenterNomad · 15/11/2013 22:16

Unfortunately, neither of you is particularly unreasonable, just incompatible at the moment. Ask him to give you some time, as you've found it harder ti adjust ti parenthood than you expected (and so, it seems, has he...).

FigRolls · 15/11/2013 22:17

I had a similar dilemma when dd was 4.5 months old. She was ebf but would take an expressed bottle...until it came from PIL! Luckily my event was only 5 mins away and mil called me. Your H is insensitive and being ridiculous. Follow your instincts and stay home.

PoppyWearer · 15/11/2013 22:21

I bought tickets to a concert when heavily pregnant for when DC1 would have been 6mo. Had good intentions but just couldn't leave her. Ended up letting DH go to the concert with a friend instead.

With DC2 I just about managed a night away at 8mo, but only because it was a very very special anniversary. I still felt awful about it. DC2 was fine though.

Purplefrogshoe · 15/11/2013 22:26

Why not try and leave him for a few hours at first and see how he is? Your DH is being a bit harsh

BackforGood · 15/11/2013 22:27

I'm not going to say YABU, as you can't help what you feel, but I think it's a very good thing to go out to something special and do something you'd both enjoy. As long as you are confident in the parenting skills and energy of your PiLs, then I can't see why not. As 8&3/4 said, would it help to let them put him to bed without you on another night, first?

Elisabetta2214 · 15/11/2013 22:28

Don't feel pressured into going. Your baby is very young and if you don't want to leave him you shouldn't. 7 hours is a long time and your PIL won't be able to comfort him when he wants you. Your DH shouldn't be competing with the baby. I never wanted to leave my baby with my PIL, and never did. Only left her with my Mum, and even with her only for short periods. Follow your instincts, do what you're comfortable with. Your baby needs you more than DH does.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/11/2013 22:36

I definitely wouldn't have been happy with this. Plus your breasts will be so uncomfortable after that time. Your DH should find a friend to go with. My DH had to cancel going to a show that I'd arranged for us to go to when he had to go away with work. I was disappointed when I realised but I went with my Dad instead and we had a fab time :)

PansOnFire · 15/11/2013 22:40

When you're ready to leave your baby you'll know. I hate leaving my DS when I go to work but there is a huge difference between disliking leaving him and not being ready to leave him. I extended my maternity leave for that exact reason and since starting back to work I have never left him on an evening. You will not enjoy yourself if you aren't ready, in fact, it will prolong the time it takes for you to be ready of the first time is a bad experience for you. I've just cancelled a weekend away because I'm not ready and my DS is a year old. Your DH needs to understand that, for this year at least, your relationship belongs to your baby.

WaitMonkey · 15/11/2013 22:42

YANBU. I've 3 dc, I didn't leave any of them at that age for more than 5 minutes an hour.

pianodoodle · 15/11/2013 22:45

YANBU

These feelings sound very normal to me when your baby is still so little.

You've been honest with your husband about your anxiety and I'm sorry but he should be trying to understand not getting all upset and silly.

Silent treatment/sulking and saying ridiculous things - that's just childish of him.

He's being very selfish :(

BrianTheMole · 15/11/2013 22:46

Well 7 hours isn't so long if you're mix feeding. But if you feel so strongly about it then you probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway. What are you worried about? Its not an over night stay is it?

3littlefrogs · 15/11/2013 22:48

Your DH sounds like a petulant child.

Even if you are totally happy about your PIL ability to care for your child, your breasts are going to be sore, rock hard and leaky after 7 hours. What does your "D"H propose you do about that?

On a practical note, I did once have to go to a conference when dd was about 5 months old. I took a breast pump with me and nipped into the first aid room and expressed during the most boring speakers.

It wasn't particularly easy and I wouldn't have done it if I had had a choice.

(The trouble was that I had been feeding and expressing in the lead up to this event so that I could leave enough expressed milk for her, so I was producing enough milk to feed several babies. I am wincing at the memory).

Emalushka · 15/11/2013 22:49

I think you should go with your gut instinct. I wouldn't have left my pfb at this age, but with my 3rd, I was back at work when they were 4 months old. I just expressed (a lot!).

Go with whatever you feel most comfortable with.

MrsTaraPlumbing · 15/11/2013 22:51

I think it 7 hours is a long time to leave a BF 4 month old baby - IF You the mum are not happy with this and gave not done it before.
I remember having to go to a business meeting when my ds was 4 months. With 4 hours travelling I would have been gone for about 6 hours - perhaps 7, too long.
Luckily my MIL came with me and the baby!
We allowed extra time. So I could cuddle and BF him after the journey but before the meeting. Then granny walked with him for an hour or so whilst I was busy.
That was a meeting in the day time. Not really possible to do the same thing for a night time event.

Local nights out for up to 3 or 4 hours are more practical in the first year or two, I think.

Problem is your DH may well be jealous of your children taking so much of your attention. and all your energy.

In a few short years that will change but for him it probably seems like forever right now.

pixiegumboot · 15/11/2013 22:53

I've never left my boys for that long and they are 4.5 and 2. 2 still feeds before bed. there will be MANY years where they don't want to be seen with me so I'm banking now for then. not ur at all. your husband seems a bit OTT.

Workberk · 15/11/2013 22:57

I don't think you've said where the concert is - it sounds like its quite a distance? In which case YANBU at all. What if your dc starts crying and they struggle to comfort him?

I don't think I would want to be more than 30 mins journey away from DS even now (unless DH has got him) and he's 11 months.

Having said that, it is in some ways easier to leave them when they're little, before separation anxiety kicks in...

sugarandspite · 16/11/2013 09:42

YANBU at all. But if you did quite want to go to the concert and it really being all the extra time travelling that is causing the issue - is there any chance that you could all go to the concert area (including PIL and baby)?

Depending on timings, you could book overnight into a hotel / B&B and they look after the baby while you are out (so only a couple of hours) and then you will be close enough to go back early if they need you to.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 16/11/2013 09:54

Reading this thread has made me feel an utter heartless cow. DS is 11 weeks old and my DH and I first went out when he was 6 weeks, leaving my Mum to babysit for 6 hours.

I also love getting out for an hour with my dog in the evening when my DH gets home from work.

What is wrong with me?! [sadface] Blush

misspontypine · 16/11/2013 10:00

Dreaming don't feed sad, you should do what works for you and your family. My worry about leaving my ds is mostly that he is very reliant on my breasts for food and comfort, he refuses all bottles.

If you have a baby that likes bottles and you don't mind being away from them for a short time thats great!

hettienne · 16/11/2013 10:04

I wouldn't want to leave my 4 month old for 7 hours either, especially being a long distance away. What would be the point if you will be miserable/worried the whole time?

Maybe your DH could compromise and you could go out for dinner/a movie somewhere locally?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 16/11/2013 10:05

4 months is still 'tiny' - of course you aren't being unreasonable to not want to leave him (nor is it unreasonable to be OK with leaving them!).

Your DH is being massively unreasonable being angry & saying nasty things to you. I can understand him being disappointed, even upset but saying things like...

I'm ruining our marriage, damaging our son and am weak for giving in to my anxiety

There is no excuse for that. It is all bullshit anyway - you are not doing any of those things. HE is the one ruining your marriage.

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