To not want to leave my 4 month old with PIL for 7 hours

[Sunflower1985]

I have a 3 1/2 mo ds. Ages ago my DH bought tickets to a concert for the end of November. Together with travelling it would mean leaving my ds for at least 7 hours with PIL.
The thing is I just can't do it. I can't bear to leave him. He is mixed fed but I breastfeed through the night. I feed him to sleep and don't know how he'd react without me being there.
I told DH today how I was feeling and he's very upset. Thinks I'm giving up on the relationship. Now he's giving me the silent treatment interspersed with comments about how I'm ruining our marriage, damaging our son and am weak for giving in to my anxiety.
I don't know what to do!?!?

Hmmm, I can see both sides of this one and think there is a bit of unreasonableness on both sides, you for reneging on the deal (I assume you agreed to him buying the tickets in the first place) and him for his rather crass comments.

I have two dc's, both teenagers now. When ds was four he had a nasty accident, had to have some emergency surgery and was in intensive care for a couple of days. This meant dd (aged 17 months) was dumped unceremoniously on PIL for about four days. I was (reasonably) comfortable doing that precisely because dh and I had had evenings out leaving the children with the grandparents.

My baby is four months old and due to bottle refusal this wouldn't be possible. I would have thought before that it would be fine, but now 3-4 hrs is the max. I am ebf and had planned to express for this type if eventuality but baby had other plans! Ironically it might have been possible a month ago! < need to spend next two months encouraging bottle so can go back to work, feeling v stressed! >

YANBU.

I think it is unfair for DH to throw such a hissy fit as you couldn't have known before you had the baby how you would feel.

Tell him to go with a mate and grow up a bit.

Yanbu, can't dh go with someone else?

Dreaming - don't be sad or think you are heartless. IME you (and I ) are the normal ones. HAving a small baby 24/7 is relentless. It makes a lot of sense to take a breather as and when you can.

I think you are both being unreasonable - your DH more so, you a bit but you have had a baby recently so fair enough

• he should have planned your first night out post-DC together and made sure the timing worked for you and that you had lead up to expressing / leaving feeds. That was also a really immature response on his behalf.

• You haven't said if you WANT to go to the concert / have some time on your own with DH. If you do, then your DC will be fine. Plenty of women in the world (and previous generations) have to leave their BF babies at 3 months and return to work FT - and their babies managed perfectly well for 8 hours a day. Your boobs may be a bit sore though.

I couldn't have done this. In fact I still couldn't now that my DS is 7 mo.

If course I leave him and go out but either in the day or after he is already fast asleep.

Your DH is being a nob.

7hrs seems a long time to me.

And tbh if you feel that you can't-then that's how you feel.

I don't think I left my PFB much at all-tended to do things that included him or were just leaving him with husband for a couple of hrs.

And think that PSB was nearly a year before I went out for any length of time!

Would you feel differently if it wasn't the ILs babysitting?

Your DH is being a bit OTT with his reaction but I don't think the concept of leaving a mix fed 4m old for that long is especially excessive or unrealistic. Have you left him at all in the time you've had him? Have you had any time just you and your DH? Maybe between now and the concert you could have a couple of nights out, a meal or cinema or something, just locally so you can get back if needed and see how it goes. I left both of mine for that sort of time at that age or younger (also mix fed). Your relationship IS important you are still a couple, not just parents and 4 months is actually quite a long time. I think sometimes on MN there can be a tendency to just take it as read that the baby and the mother's feelings feelings are the absolute be all and end all and the dad should just go along with whatever the mother says. If you really feel the concert is not a goer then I do think you should try and meet him halfway with a different type of outing for shorter duration, as suggested above.

your dh sounds vile.

I agree with fairylights

Neither of you is being unreasonable though your DH is going a bit OTT. If a year had gone by and you have spent no time alone he might have a point.
A shorter trip out in a location nearer to your PILS might be more advisable.

I think your DH is being horrible in his reaction.

I left my LO with DH for 7-8 hours for a few daytimes for some work stuff at 5m, 6m and 7m which was great and lovely for both of them. I expressed in the breaks and lunch hours, and they played and trashed the house very happily. However, I would not leave her for bedtime. She needs me, she is tiny, and we both enjoy the snuggle. I see it as one of the "sacrifices" of choosing to have a most wanted baby - we struggled to conceive, which I think might make this time feel even more precious to me.

It is really such a tiny proportion of our married life together, and my DH agrees - get the first year right and we set the baby up for life, why would we want to be without her?

I would never have done it, wouldn't have been able to. Mine were much older before I left them for any length of time. YANBU at all. Maybe Dh has promised them the baby and they are all excited? Either way YANBU.

your baby will still be there and he will be fine.

Some sense from Branleuse

Yanbu. Only you can say if you feel ready and there is naff all point going if you won't enjoy it.
Having said that I left dd with my mum for 6 hours while DP and I went fir a gig. She was 3 months and took a bottle I'd expressed. But I knew I was happy to do this and DP would have been fine with it if I couldn't have left her.

Thank you for replies

Going to explore the hotel option.

The PIL have been understanding despite being desperate to get time with grandson. They're happy to stay in a hotel nearby if we sorted it. DH is more all or nothing and is disappointed in me.

I had a similar situation when dd was 5 months old. She was mixed fed but would only take a bottle from me. Everyone pressurised me into going to a wedding saying she will give in and feed when she is hungry enough.

Queue a frantic phone call from my parents later in the afternoon to say she and they were now distressed as she refused anything they offered her and had not had anything for hours.

Luckily I wasn't too far away so came home. As soon as I got there I gave her a bottle which she downed quickly and was then all smiles. No harm done but basically trust your instincts and tell your dh to grow up!

YANBU, because it's how you feel at the end of the day.

I'm in the bad mum club because I allowed my DS to go with my parents for a day and night at 5 months, and as much as I missed him and couldn't wait to cuddle him, I appreciated the break and he/they enjoyed it. But by this time he was ff and (at that point) sleeping through.

But if you're not ready, you're not. Your DH is being hideously petulant.

i can understand its how you feel, but it sounds like your husband is keen to still maintain a relationship and social life with you thats seperate to your identities as parents. I think this is actually sweet. Its natural to be loved up with your baby, but your baby will be in the safest hands possible with loving grandparents, and only for a few hours while you reconnect and have a good time with your husband that has been planned for months and months.

Your feelings are real, and so are his.

OP I can understand your feelings. However when Dd was 15 days I was taken ill and hospitalised. PIL, DM, DF and DH were fantastic and she and I were lucky to have them. I had no choice, I had no time to write schedules, pack bottles, nappies or anything else.

I was ill for some months. In fact when I was back to looking after her by myself I had to phone them somedays to work out how to settle her.

You and your baby are very lucky to have PIL willing to support you and your child will bond with them so that if you ever need them in an emergency they will be there.

Try to relax, look on it as a positive thing for you and your Ds. The hotel idea sounds like a good compromise.