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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to suspect dh has just shared a room with another woman

41 replies

sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 21:34

he went on a dance wk took 3 women. we been married 27years. that is tip of iceberg. when he got home told him what a crap weekend I'd had.
Told him i find it difficult knowing he is dancing sooo close to women. he said all the right things, had a lovely cosy evening. Next morning he took his washing out the machine which i thought was odd. hung up wet clothes on airer saw him smuggle some wet clothes out to his work van.
went to wave goodbye, saw him holding up ladies vest top. Got to work, we work together, and went to his van and found my wet top. i brought it in to him and asked him y? He went white, shook, and said oh, I thought it was mine. i said y would you want to bring your wet top to work??
he had nothing to say. So i said did you think it was ow's? i used her name.
he said yes. i said how could you have been in the situation that her clothes are muddled up with yours? he said she left them in my car that he went away in. if that was the case, why wash them?? Also, he got home with all his clothes in a holdall. I am so convinced he shared a room with her.
But the big question is......if there is nothing going on with the two of them, is it OK for my dh to share a room with a twice divorced single woman?

OP posts:
CocacolaMum · 15/11/2013 21:37

Its not ok for you not to trust your Husband.

You know him, I would be suspicious I must admit!

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 21:52

i want to trust him. but his reaction was damming. he drove her on a 120 mile round trip to 1 dance last month. all the women at his dances want to dance with him. he is slim strong and i thought mine. Tonight and tomorrow night he is dancing with her. he always gets in at 1 in the morning when at local dances. am thinking of sitting up and confronting him tonight

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 15/11/2013 22:04

It's all a bit Strictly Ballroom. Sorry but I think he's up to something.

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 22:07

But is it OK to share a room like that?
If i shared with a single man i dont know anyone who would think that ok?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/11/2013 22:08

Well you're obviously not ok with it, so it's irrelevant what other people think.

Idespair · 15/11/2013 22:11

No it isn't OK to share a room like that IMO. Line crossed.

deste · 15/11/2013 22:14

Of course it's not ok so don't doubt yourself.

Straitjacket · 15/11/2013 22:15

I went away for a long weekend once with a load of friends staying in a caravan and slept in a twin room with a single male friend. DP knew and was completely fine with it because he trusts me. It probably helps the fact I was honest about it though.

How close is he to these women? Has his behaviour changed? Has he become more secretive with his phone?

Misfitless · 15/11/2013 22:15

OP, do you have DCs? Why not arrange a baby sitter if you do, and accompany him to some of these dances, in the guise of showing an interest, wanting to support him? You could even turn up as a surprise? I would be very suspicious, and it would not be ok by me!

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 22:15

Perhaps i worry too much what other people think. Dont want to lose him
but he's making me so unhappy. Worried about my Mental health.
Male mid life crisis

OP posts:
ImaginativeNewName · 15/11/2013 22:16

It'd be ok to share so long as everything was honest, open, upfront, discussed beforehand. But I don't think that's the situation you have here. He freaked out, didn't he?! Have you argued about this woman before, are you generally controlling of him or is she all his own issue? Something doesn't seem right. Sorry. Sad

Straitjacket · 15/11/2013 22:16

Honesty is what is important, and it is what he is lacking. I think that is why it appears something fishy is going on.

lunar1 · 15/11/2013 22:20

I wouldn't be ok with this

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 22:21

So secret with his phone! has password on it. read a text over his shoulder the other day, it said Maybe you should tell her.
I asked him about it and he said he didnt know what I was talking about.
No children at home grown up and gone.
As for dancing, We started together 10 years ago. We are great dancing together. I cant say what we dance as too identifying.
But 4 years ago i had back surgery and now my back is unstable.
If i go with him as have done, i cant get near him as others run to him when music changes.
I cant sit and watch him gyrate with women anymore
also is cant sit for long.
The phone thing really worries me she is always txting him

OP posts:
tanukiton · 15/11/2013 22:23

you know in your heart don't you? What ever happens things need to change, if he is making you so unhappy, you need to rethink things and work out what is right for you.

Straitjacket · 15/11/2013 22:27

Oh god, I can really understand now why it is bothering you. It all adds up and it isn't looking good at all.

Would he let you have access to his phone if you asked? If not, that would tell me all I needed to know. Me and DP do have passwords on our phones but we both know each others. Heck, even the DC know them. They are there simply in case they get nicked or to stop accidental phone calls, not to hide anything from each other.

azzbiscuit · 15/11/2013 22:30

Well, what is OK in a relationship varies between what the two individuals are comfortable with. But the shiftiness and lies are what raise suspicion.

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 22:32

There is no password on my phone. My life is an open book.
I have so secrets from him he is my soulmate. There is nothing on my phone to hide. I saw him for an hour today as he has dance commitments
and i might see him for an hour tomorrow. I dont call that a marriage.
It all seems a bit one sided.

OP posts:
MrsMoon76 · 15/11/2013 22:34

Honestly I would be very suspicious especially when he tries to hide clothing from you (when he thought it was yours). I would be asking to see his phone.

Ahole · 15/11/2013 22:34

Its not looking good is it. Poor you.

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 22:35

He didnt think it was mine Mrsmoon76, he thought it was hers.
Just realised how dumb he is!

OP posts:
Straitjacket · 15/11/2013 22:37

It sounds one sided, too Sad

Sounds like you really need a serious sit down talk with him, and no accepting any bullshit crap out of his mouth. You deserve better than this!

Original poster
sarahem27 · 15/11/2013 22:44

I never thought in a million years things are how they are.
I have only really said a very small part of his behaviour. i have left work before now and as i've pulled away, seen her walk in my work. Its like "wait till shes gone"
Things are way too secretive

OP posts:
Halfrek · 15/11/2013 22:51

I think he is cheating, sorry OP :(

Straitjacket · 15/11/2013 23:05

This needs to be sorted out and pronto. Do not stand for this, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. And to have an open and honest relationship. Don't accept anything less!

There is always the relationships board if you would like to post for advice and support OP.