Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask everyone of you to do this (possible trigger)

32 replies

tinyturtletim · 15/11/2013 21:05

There are many sad stories in the news at the moment about women tragically taking their lives as a result of post natal depression,

Most of us here know what it is like with a new born, I have an awful sleeper and suffered crippling depression after my first born

One thing that sticks in my mind is how noone ever really asked how I was it was all hows the baby/does she sleep/can I cuddle her. I think if someone asked me properly I probably would of crumbled and got help sooner.

So (I know I am not unreasonable) whereever you are, whether it is a stranger you get talking to, your sister, sil, friend whoever if they have a baby just ask..

"How are you feeling?"

It could be the question which saves a life. If women are made to feel less ashamed of asking for help and the stigma around the pressure of being new mum was lifted many more will suffer less.

OP posts:
happydaze77 · 15/11/2013 21:43

Excellent point, thank you for sharing.

Dominodonkey · 15/11/2013 21:45

Yes, I have a lot of friends who have recently had babies or are pregnant - this will stick with me.

BigArea · 15/11/2013 21:48

Yes - although I denied denied denied for 8 months so in my case people asking if I was ok wouldn't have worked

CocacolaMum · 15/11/2013 21:49

YANBU

I did this last week and discovered that my seemingly happy and successful sister just got prescribed anti-depressants and has been trying to cope on her own with it all. I had NO idea.

pomdereplay · 15/11/2013 21:50

This is a great thought. I denied for months myself, but if people had taken the time to ask that question the floodgates might've opened sooner, and I could have got effective help (and thus started to feel ok and actually bond with my baby!) a lot more quickly.

In my experience even the HCPs were shite. All a tick-box exercise for them and they were much more interested in tutting at my EBF baby's 'slow' weight gain

extracrunchy · 15/11/2013 21:53

Thank you so much for posting this, OP. You are so right.

whereisthewitch · 15/11/2013 21:56

I had PND and I always always ask the mums howbthey are before I even look at the baby and always make it clear that I am always here if they are feeling overwhelmed.

I had a lot of suicidal thoughts after DD was born, that feeling of utter hopelessness and thinking she'd be better off without me. Thank goodness I realised I needed help.

Mosschops30 · 15/11/2013 21:57

I ask every mum i meet
As long as baby is fed and warm all is ok
Maternal mental health is one of the most important things in this period

PoppyWearer · 15/11/2013 21:59

Good thread, OP!

I am currently in a good place and trying to support fellow mums all I can.

I am also all too aware that as long as the sleep deprivation continues (past 2yo) the problems can linger.

ChablisLover · 15/11/2013 22:03

Excellent.

It took me months to get help - even family thought I should just give myself a shake.

Not one person asked how I was. Not one. It would have made a huge difference.

Am prone to depressive episodes now more so then before ds. But am able to pull myself through it.

DorothyBastard · 15/11/2013 22:06

I always ask new mums "how are you finding it?" And talk about what a tough old slog I found the first bit. I also like to ask the same if pregnant women, must make a change for them instead of "how far along are you/do you know what you're having?"

BornThisCrazy · 15/11/2013 22:07

Yanbu

I remember after the birth of Ds1 actually thinking to myself how everyone who visited asked about the baby but nobody cared to ask how I was doing. Not the casual 'how are you, ok?' etc as they all did that, but sitting next to me/holding me close and asking me properly how I was coping.

I probably would have denied it. But maybe broken down in tears and got the help I needed.

I have read the incidents you are referring to in your OP, it is extremely sad. One of the ladies was on AD's but still not coping. A difficult newborn/sleepless nights are absolutely gruelling and when someone is already feeling depressed and mentally fragile it can be the tipping point.

comfyclothestonight · 15/11/2013 22:09

Completely agree. I ended up with PND and felt so lonely.

Slutbucket · 15/11/2013 22:15

Actually it's a rule to be applied across life........after suffering bereavements even close friends avoided the one question that needed to be asked. I also make sure I ask it in any situation! My friend had a miscarriage. There are people in our friendship group who are closer to her than me. I rang her about something else and then asked her how she was. She text me and thanked me because nobody had asked her.

pianodoodle · 15/11/2013 22:23

I had PND after DD1. I'm due DC2 at Christmas and already financial worries are starting to get me down more than usual so I'm keeping vigilant so as not to end up depressed again this time.

I'm on citalopram 10mg although it doesn't go with breast feeding so they say I should wean myself off now and after the birth they'll "monitor" me for PND.

I don't want to wait until I have it again to start taking action! A consultant at the hospital told me there are antidepressants that I could have while breast feeding and I'm going to the GP next week to find out about this as it wasn't even mentioned as an option.

I don't think they appreciate how badly I do not want to be ill again! Not with two to look after...

Apart from my mum flying over to help out in the first week after DH went back to work, you do find people can be a bit thoughtless. Popping in just to sit and be entertained etc...

With friends I wait until I'm invited, but call/message to see how they're doing and when I do visit I bring something useful/nice for mum as well as a toy for the baby or whatever.

I also wash my own cups up (and any other dishes by the sink) before I leave!

UserError · 15/11/2013 23:05

Excellent thread, thank you for posting this OP.

I agree with the poster who said this should apply across all life. I had cancer and one of the things I noticed is that people would ask 'How did your hospital appointment go?' or 'When's your next chemo?'. Not one person ever asked the question 'How are you coping with it all?'. It was always about my physical health when all I really wanted was the opportunity to go 'It's all fucking shite' and let off steam. Instead, I felt like I had to be 'strong' and bottled everything up.

Original poster
tinyturtletim · 16/11/2013 06:58

Wow didn't expect everyone to agree with me.

There is a big difference in how you say 'how ya doing'

And 'so how are YOU feeling' making a big question out of it, I have met a couple of mums that I have got the feeling from them they are not coping, so I have made quite a deal out of saying how bad I felt and how in those first few months I felt like such a failure,

Sometimes people feel more at ease when someone else admits to going through the same thing, health visitors and midwives are so concerned with the babies health and the breastfeeding that women get overlooked I remember my health visitor asked a couple of questions from a piece of paper and added the points to see if I was depressed...

We need a more personal approach for women, an emphasis on new mums which prevents them taking their own lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinyturtletim · 16/11/2013 06:59

user that is exactly my point, because noone asked you properly you felt like you couldn't say how bad everything was. How are you now?

OP posts:
DontCallMeDaughter · 16/11/2013 07:09

I wonder if you have to be a mum and experience the darkness of the first couple if months (or longer) before it occurs to you to ask.

I don't think I ever asked that question before I had my dd but I do now.

toffeesponge · 16/11/2013 07:09

BEST op I have read in a long time.

I have had PND three times and had very little support. Things got pretty bad though my children were always safe and I always looked after them really well, I just didn't look after myself and I found that HCP didn't have the compassion to care again for me as I had had my "quota" when I had my previous babies.

The more people talk about the "stigma" of mental illness the more I think it perpetuates it and I wish it would stop.

Having a baby is massive. Of course you will have consequences and some will just feel tired whereas some will feel suicidal and many will be in between.

SoupDragon · 16/11/2013 07:15

I can see your point but I can't help feeling that the kind of women who think it a stigma or who are ashamed of asking for help aren't going to answer "How are you feeling?" honestly.

Perhaps a better way would be to "confess" how hard you found it and that you realised you needed help sometimes etc.

drivingmisslazy · 16/11/2013 07:20

Brilliant thread, I too had severe PND and denied it for 10 months. It seemed everyone else took to motherhood wonderfully and I was a failure, mother new mums raved about all the good stuff. It was all baby baby baby, my DH has started a new job 2 weeks after the birth and was struggling to adjust to that or else he would of been on the ball sooner. I know I would of felt better knowing I wasn't the only suffering. I actually managed to come through PND with the help of mumsnet, so wish I had found the site a year before.

ebwy · 16/11/2013 07:37

Can I also suggest that everyone is open about their own mental health issues so there's less of a stigma?

I have depression, agoraphobia, and other anxiety disorders

Rosa · 16/11/2013 07:41

My mum was No1 for this she saw how I was suffering when she had to retrun to the Uk she rang daily and always insisted I talked about ME as well as the baby . This did help so much ....

CatsCantFlyFast · 16/11/2013 07:43

Bump. Great post

Swipe left for the next trending thread