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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be in tears about a stupid (and pointless) lottery conversation

46 replies

Punkatheart · 15/11/2013 18:45

...with friends. Daft 'what would you do with that 80 million' conversation. My first thought was that no one needs that much money. Another lady quite aggressively said that whoever won it must give half to charity. I said that my first thought - with the situation I am in - would be to get a house. We are being forced to sell ours by my ex, I am extremely ill with lymphoma at the moment and my daughter has some very serious mental health issues. I am full of worries and I now have some tumours that needs investigation. Another PET scan, more biopsies - in a decade of horrible treatment and then my other half leaving - my first priority is to get a home. I then said that maybe a small bit of land with some animals. I had not mentioned about giving money to charity - not because I wouldn't do it - but because we are in such a sad place - my daughter and I - to have the security of a home would be enough.

They laughed at me and said I was unambitious and selfish for not wanting to give to charity first and foremost. They then walked away - back to their husbands and safe homes - I went home and cried my eyes out. It seems such a simple thing but we have so much crap coming in from all angles, I just want a home.

I know I am being silly and I should have lightened up and had a light, fluffy conversation about fancy cars and houses etc.

Life seems uphill at the moment. I was being daft, wasn't I?

OP posts:

FaceAglowPantsOfSand · 15/11/2013 18:47

Well you were being a bit daft but they were being a bit aggressive.
I'm sorry you have so much shit to deal with.
Maybe just see friends that actualy help for a whie

Crikeyblimey · 15/11/2013 18:47

You weren't being daft for wanting a home but a little bit daft for letting them upset you.

They were extremely daft for professing to be "charitable" when kind words towards you would have been more charitable and free.

Hope things get better for you.

spritesoright · 15/11/2013 18:47

Wow, that was incredibly insensitive of your friends. I bet they wouldn't give half to charity. Just talk.

FaceAglowPantsOfSand · 15/11/2013 18:49

Exactly Crikey - I was thinking the same thing but couldn't put it into words. They were willing to give away part of a large hypothetical fortune but not to be a bit kind and understanding to someone who is struggling and in need of some care.

carovioletfizz · 15/11/2013 18:50

That sounds really mean. Sorry you are so sad and that things aren't going so well for you at the moment.

Of course your priority at the moment are your health and your family, and they were completely rude and insensitive. Please try not to dwell on it, they don't sound like very nice people. I hope things improve for you soon. xx

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/11/2013 18:50

No, you weren't being daft.

They were very mean.

FGS there's no wrong answer to that questions.

Even if you said you'd set fire to it, that's still an acceptable answer.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread · 15/11/2013 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlingBang · 15/11/2013 18:52

They were full of it and sound a bit thick.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 15/11/2013 18:52

I'll bet anything if you asked one of them to name a charity they wouldn't be able to.

A conversation with smug wankers like that would have me in tears too.

shazbean · 15/11/2013 18:52

Erm, I don't think you were daft, I think you have some selfish, uncharitable friends.
I'm not sure that many people would think ooh I've won a gazillion pounds how nice I can give some to charity. Most people would do so but only after you make sure you and your family are provided for.
I'm sorry things are rubbish for you at the minute, it does make things like this magnified when perhaps you would shrug them off but I don't think you should feel bad about it at all.

harticus · 15/11/2013 18:52

Your friends are shits for having a pop at you when you are feeling vulnerable.
I hope all is ok with your family's health. You have a lot on your plate and you need people in your life to make you feel better not worse.

Dobbiesmum · 15/11/2013 18:53

It's amazing how they can talk about being charitable in a hypothetical situation but lose all ability to empathise with another person in real life. Really try not to let yourself get too caught up in this, people who shout about how generous they can or would be generally do it for the wrong reasons.
Your idea about what you would like is exactly what I would want as well btw, some land, some animals and some peace, sounds like heaven!!

Straitjacket · 15/11/2013 18:53

That was incredibly insensitive of your friends! If my friend was in your position and said what you did, I would want to give her a hug and tell her not to worry. That things will work out and I would always be there for her! Not call her selfish and walk away.

I can understand why it upset you, are they usually so insensitive?

ditavonteesed · 15/11/2013 18:54

so they are imaginary charitable, inre ality they are bitches though and very unlikely to win tthe lottery so you win.

SecretNutellaFix · 15/11/2013 18:54

I am willing to bet any money that they would actually not give half straight to charity, but would upgrade their houses, buy new cars and jewellery and splash it about a bit before thinking of giving any away.

Anyone who says their first thought will be charities are lying.

Your first thought will be for your family and security for the children in your family first. Then comes other family members who might be in need or help and then yourself. Once the shock has worn off then you start to consider charities and stuff especially if you are looking for a new and secure place to live.

I have a huge list of charities I would willingly give lots of money to. However I would be taking financial and legal advice before doing so.

Hermione123 · 15/11/2013 18:58

Yanbu, they don't sound nice, perhaps you should distance yourself a bit and join some support groups? Of course you're a bit low, it sounds like an awful lot to live with. Give your dd a hug, watch something nice on TV and forget them.

carovioletfizz · 15/11/2013 18:59

Maybe they'd be best spending the hypothetical money on a course that would improve their people skills and ability to relate to others!

IamInvisible · 15/11/2013 19:01

They sound like proper cowbags! I bet they couldn't name a charity they'd give the money to.

YANBU to want a home.

If I ever win the lottery donating to charity is right down at the bottom of the list, if at all tbh. I shall make sure DH & I, the kids, DSS and the family are ok first.

fieldfare · 15/11/2013 19:03

Why are you being forced to sell your home? If you've got children under 18 I thought you could stay in your home but your xh is entitled to his share when they turn 18.

You are, understandably, being sensitive but they were being unthinking.

Original poster

Punkatheart · 15/11/2013 19:05

I think some people just have no idea of other people's lives. But I think I was at fault for not speaking out and also speaking up for myself.

Also, just for a short while, I will visualise being safe, being in a home and my daughter finally feeling secure. She is sitting on the sofa at the moment, just staring into space. I know money can't help with every problem but I want good things to happen, so that I can say 'ta-da!' and look what a great future we have. If I am ill, I would be able to get some help at least.

Money is a bugger. Or lack of it.

OP posts:

Blu · 15/11/2013 19:08

"They were extremely daft for professing to be "charitable" when kind words towards you would have been more charitable and free.
"

This.

If life is a bugger, life is a bugger - but so many difficult situations are made easier to manage if you have resources.

And to wish for a secure home when you need it is hardly an entitled tantrum!!

fanjofarrow · 16/11/2013 03:17

With ''friends'' like that, who needs enemies? They sound like total arses.

steff13 · 16/11/2013 03:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're having a very difficult time, and it's no one's business what you spend your hypothetical (or real!) lottery winnings on.

Every time I buy a lottery ticket, which isn't often, I daydream about what I'm going to do with the money. It's things like travel, and pay off my mortgage, and my friends' mortgages, and fund college for my kids and nieces and nephews. Though I would probably give some to charity, it's never at the top of my pretend spending list. It doesn't make you bad or selfish to want to make sure your family is provided for first.

MarjorieAntrobus · 16/11/2013 03:26

OP, they are idiots. The notional 80 million is an unbelievably enormous sum. Plenty for charity and a house and all sorts besides. They sound monumentally stupid not to realise that others would perhaps put their priorities in a different order from what they would do themselves.

Plus, they are not friends if they laugh at you, call you selfish, and walk away. Not friends at all.

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 03:33

Sweetheart, here have a big hug from me, things will get better, they will.
You were so hurt because you replied honestly, those people did not they were flirting with the idea that they would be superior humans if only they had the free cash to back it up, I bet none of them actually do donate much money from what money they have now? ( a fiver to children in need eh, if that) next time take a deep breath and lie outrageously about a potential lottery win, say "I'd blow half on male escorts and the rest on cocaine to snort off their backs"

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