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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ex should have DS if I am too unwell to look after him properly?!

43 replies

welshnat · 15/11/2013 11:52

I woke this morning feeling completely awful, I'm thinking it is flu. Luckily DS goes to his dads Friday-Sunday afternoon, and was picked up around 10, so I struggled through breakfast and sent him of with MIL.

I have spoken to ex and said that if I am still feeling like this or probably even worse on Sunday could he keep him an extra night. I am so weak that I would be concerned of me falling asleep while looking after him, and I do not want him catching the same thing.

Anyway ex came back with, "It's your days and I can't take time off work". I have no family that can help, whereas he has grandparents that look after his young niece and nephew and would be capable of having DS for a day.

So am I being unreasonable to think that he should either take time off work to look after HIS son, or ask his grandparents to look after DS? Or is it my responsibilty? I would like to add that he has Ds every weekend but I have offered to have him one weekend a month so that ex has a break, so think that he should have the same consideration for me?

OP posts:

curlew · 15/11/2013 11:57

It's Friday morning- are you expecting to still be feeling the same on Sunday night? Is it something serious?

But yes, if he has people available to look after your ds, it would be the right thing for him to do to make the arrangement. Have his grandparents looked after him before? Could you talk to your MiL about it?

Gossipyfishwife · 15/11/2013 11:57

YANBU.
Could you just tell him you are struggling and need his help, ask how he thinks you could solve your problem? If you are getting the flu then you may be in for a rough few days. If it is a cold then maybe not so much. It is quite likely your DS is already infected.
I hope you feel better soon. (lemsip emoticon)

livinginwonderland · 15/11/2013 11:58

Not everyone CAN take time off work at the last-minute. Have you asked him if his parents can take DS? Maybe they have plans or they're busy or just don't want to. It's not obligatory for them to help out, though it would be nice.

You might feel better by SUnday. You have two days, so don't worry about it until you have to.

WooWooOwl · 15/11/2013 12:00

Couldn't you contact the grandparents yourself if you need them?

How old is your ds?

To be fair, it can be really difficult for some people to take time off work, and a lot depends on his job and on how ill you are by Monday. You have only just woken up feeling ill, you might well be more than capable of supervising your child while he plays or watches telly by Monday.

Original poster

welshnat · 15/11/2013 12:17

I am pretty sure that I have flu, I have only ever had it once before and I was laid up for over a week and was close to being admitted to hospital. He said he will ask his parents if either of them could take a day off work to have him. He could take a day off work, he is just unwilling.

I think it has bothered me more because I bend over backwards to help him and I never ask for anything in return, so it seemed like a small favour to ask (if looking after your own child could be considered as favour).

I suppose IABU, so will try and look after him anyway.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 15/11/2013 12:21

So he said he'd ask his parents for you and you still feel like he won't do you a favour?

What difference does it make to you if his parents do it rather than him?

He's probably unwilling to say now that he will take a day off work just because you think you might still be sick in three days time when there's close family he could ask to help anyway. That is completely understandable!

livinginwonderland · 15/11/2013 12:25

I wouldn't want to take a day off work unless I absolutely had to. I would lose a day of pay, so I absolutely wouldn't agree to it unless I had no choice. You may well be better by Monday, and at least he has DS for the weekend so you can rest for a couple of days.

KerwhizzedMyself · 15/11/2013 12:31

YANBU. It sounds like he's forgotten that DS is his child too and sometimes that means stepping up when he may not want to. It's a bit odd of him to expect his parents to take a day off work when he won't consider it.

Joysmum · 15/11/2013 12:36

When I have flu I can't function at all, let alone compose a rant! Flu is an over used term.

Back to the question though, children are a joint partnership so I'd expect the father to then qualify his assertion that he can't get time off by saying he'd see if anyone else could help, just in case.

needaholidaynow · 15/11/2013 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fromparistoberlin · 15/11/2013 12:46

well he is your "ex" so unfortunately being kind to you when you are ill is not top of his "to do" list

look you have weekend to rest and recover, dont waste energy getting angry about this, and you might not need his help come sunday

redskyatnight · 15/11/2013 12:49

If you're capable of typing in a message (and reading the replies) you don't have flu.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If your ex said he might be ill in a few days time and could you organise some cover "just in case"?

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/11/2013 12:49

Firstly what age is DS - I am assuming he is pre-school and yes it is horrible to look after a small child when you are ill. People will suggest videos and c-beebies and duvet days, but if your DC was like mine used to be then, it doesn't work.

But having said that I think YAB a wee bit unreasonable. It's Friday now, so hopefully you will be feeling a bit better by Monday, particularly as you have the whole weekend to rest.

I hate taking time off work - yes I do it if I have to, but it's not well received, his work may be the same, or he may only get paid if he turns up to work. Presumably he knows the working situation of his parents in more detail, so it may be less onerous for one of them to take the day off. Also he has asked them, so it's not like he is unwilling to try and find a solution.

It sounds like you have an amicable separation - please don't lose that over a situation which I think could be interpreted either way.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 15/11/2013 12:54

I'm going to go against the grain here and pay YABU. Yes it would be nice if he could help, but a) it's 3 days away and b) asking someone to take (unpaid?) time off work is a bit unreasonable if you are not together anymore.

curlew · 15/11/2013 12:58

Is this something that people do? Think "oh, I'm ill today- I might still be ill in three days time- I must make arrangements"?

Obviously you'd do that if you had chickenpox or something like that, or if you weren't in good health generally.......but it wouldn't cross my mind to think like that about a normal feeling a bit grotty sort of thing.

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/11/2013 13:03

He may not be able to get time off work, and i certainly doubt his parents could. So YABU. And if you're well enough to be on here I doubt very much your illness is that bad.

Original poster

welshnat · 15/11/2013 13:14

If it was the other way round I would definitely step up, although I do not work so can see where he is coming from.
For those saying I couldn't possibly be on here if I am unwell, how much effort does it take you take tap a few keys?

I told him I may not need any help, but thought that giving him plenty of notice would be a good thing? Most seems to be holding that against me for some reason.

I have already said that IABU, but I suppose it is because if it was the other way around I would not react the way he has. I am fine with his parents have DS, but one works with him so cannot see how he could have time off if ex can't. The other is a teacher, so wouldn't take the day off anyway.

As ex lives 2.5 hours away DS is always brought back before 4, so that ex gets home at a decent time. So I wouldn't have the whole weekend to recuperate, but will just ask if he could drop back later on the sunday if needed.

I have apologised to ex for being annoyed with him, and he has accepted.

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/11/2013 13:14

I do wish people would stop saying that the OP isn't well enough to mumsnet.

I was off sick last week - if I stood up I vomited, if I ate anything I vomited - you get the general picture. If however, I lay in bed not moving, then I was fine. I spent a lot of time mumsnetting .

KerwhizzedMyself · 15/11/2013 13:15

What is it with all this "you aren't too ill to post on here" type comments? Is it that difficult to hold a phone and type and read replies?

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/11/2013 13:22

Kerwhizzed - I got those comments a few years ago when I posted in AIBU as doubled over with endometriosis period pain and wanting to know if I should ask hubbie to come back from weekend away to look after DS.

Surely one of the few benefits of being unwell is taking to ones bed with the laptop.

Original poster

welshnat · 15/11/2013 13:23

I am probably drip feeding now, but was hospitalised for asthma attack one weekend and was discharged on the Sunday, I didn't ask for DS to stay with ex as I knew that he had a course on the Monday he would be unable to miss. So am not asking just in case, I do genuinely believe that I may not be able to look after DS properly.

If I am feeling better Sunday then of course I will have DS, or even if I just don't get worse then with some help at meal times then I will cope. I am concerned that I will feel the same way as I did last time I had flu and go downhill quite fast.

OP posts:

DoJo · 15/11/2013 13:25

I can confirm that it is possible to do things when you have flu - just because some people are rendered completely incapable by it doesn't mean they are qualified to diagnose others over the internet.

jester68 · 15/11/2013 13:30

The symptons of flu and just a normal cold are similar but different.

My partner had full on flu a couple of years ago. He was that exhausted he could not even get up from the bed. For nearly a week he did not eat, did not move from the bed except to literally crawl to the toilet!

There was no way he could read/watch TV/use the internet as he could not focus properly to see.

Oh and to touch he felt like a boiling hot kettle but was always cold- freezing in fact.

I had a cold last week and still have the cough now. Runny nose, sore throat, headache and cough. BUT I was able to eat small amounts and able to get around relatively OK- which to me equals cold not flu!

To expect him to take a day off work (unpaid?) is unfair unless in real need. Also if he pays maintenance but loses a days wages would he still be expected to pay the same amount?

And if it is flu what if it lasts for all off next week- is he expected to take time off unpaid for all of it?

perfectstorm · 16/11/2013 00:48

I'm finding this thread a bit odd, tbh. This is a child of two people, and if one of them is too unwell to adequately care for that child, then of course it's primarily the other parent's job to look after them. That's - you know - what being a parent is all about. OP isn't asking him to babysit - it's his child too, and care is his shared responsibility. She's explaining she feels a bit shit and is concerned it may escalate - if it doesn't, no harm done, but she's trying to give him as much notice as she can in case he needs time off work. How is that bad? And how can people think someone can be too ill to go to work, but not too ill to look after a tiny child? That's work, too. Just because some people have to do it doesn't mean it's ideal, and here there are two parents. Why is the father's taking a day of annual leave worse than her having to look after a baby when she's at death's door?

WooWooOwl · 16/11/2013 00:59

If it was the other way round I would definitely step up, although I do not work so can see where he is coming from

This says it all. It's very easy to forget that it isn't just as simple as taking a day off when you don't have a job.

Presumably if you do end up in hospital then you will be able to get that message to him and he and his family will just have to cope. It all depends on how you define 'looking after ds properly' and where you draw the line of being unable to cope.

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