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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ex should have DS if I am too unwell to look after him properly?!

43 replies

welshnat · 15/11/2013 11:52

I woke this morning feeling completely awful, I'm thinking it is flu. Luckily DS goes to his dads Friday-Sunday afternoon, and was picked up around 10, so I struggled through breakfast and sent him of with MIL.

I have spoken to ex and said that if I am still feeling like this or probably even worse on Sunday could he keep him an extra night. I am so weak that I would be concerned of me falling asleep while looking after him, and I do not want him catching the same thing.

Anyway ex came back with, "It's your days and I can't take time off work". I have no family that can help, whereas he has grandparents that look after his young niece and nephew and would be capable of having DS for a day.

So am I being unreasonable to think that he should either take time off work to look after HIS son, or ask his grandparents to look after DS? Or is it my responsibilty? I would like to add that he has Ds every weekend but I have offered to have him one weekend a month so that ex has a break, so think that he should have the same consideration for me?

OP posts:

JudyJudgypants · 16/11/2013 04:00

Why don't you just wait till Sunday? and see how you feel then.
you'll know for sure if you have flu or not and if you can or cannot look after your child? you seem to be convinced you won't be well enough but you don't know till Sunday comes around, and lets be honest neither does your ex, so wrap up warm, take pain killers, and look after yourself, hopefully by sunday you should be feeling better.

petalsandstars · 16/11/2013 05:07

You'll hopefully be feeling better by Sunday. Off topic but if ez has ds every weekend then where will your family time be with him when he is at school?

StayAwayFromDeliriumDive · 16/11/2013 07:39

He is being unreasonable not to at least try and help out when you are unwell, however if you are capable of coherent thoughts on here then I very much doubt that you have flu - Jester gives a pretty good description of what genuine flu feels like.

AliceinWonderhell · 16/11/2013 07:44

A lot of employers do not extend the right to 'unpaid emergency parental leave' to NR Parents - particularly if they have agreed flexible working around a contact schedule.

DziezkoDisco · 16/11/2013 07:49

Even if its not full blown flu (which you wouldnt be able to sit up in bed let alone mn at the neginning) a nasty virus can make you feel terrible and make it hard to look after a child properly.

If we ignore the semantics, if you are too ill to look after your child then he should step up. Though it is hard employers by law has to let him off, no?

CissyMeldrum · 16/11/2013 07:54

Afraid you will have to manage ,that is what other people do ,hope you don't get very sick

livinginwonderland · 16/11/2013 08:11

Not all employers give NR parents time off to look after sick children. Our work will, but you won't get paid for it and they won't be happy about it. Not everyone can afford even a single day off - me and DP need to work every hour in our contracts each month to be able to pay rent, bills and groceries. If one of us misses a day, we struggle. That's the reality for some people, and I wouldn't be willing to take a day off to look after a child if someone just had a cold, so wait until you KNOW either way.

Jengnr · 16/11/2013 08:25

He is being completely unreasonable. 'It's your day' says it all - he only sees himself as a parent at the weekends.

And as long as people make excuses for that attitude it will continue.

IndiansInTheFuckerLobby · 16/11/2013 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yetanotheranyfucker · 16/11/2013 09:10

Employers who do not give time off to non-resident parents to look after their child are breaking the law.

YANBU to expect him to do this, but clearly he lives in a 'your days, my days' mindset with ideas of 'access' as opposed to, you know, 'parenting'

Original poster

welshnat · 16/11/2013 10:01

Morning all, thanks for everyone's opinions. I will try to answer some questions. Ex doesn't pay maintenance as we discussed that the cost of 4 x 2.5 hour trips every weekend was too much on top of maintenance, so I chose to have no monetary support and just for DS to see his dad regularly.

He is able to take the day off but doesn't want to as many people are saying he wouldn't get paid. I suppose I am not so sympathetic to this as he is on a good wage but lives with his parents so pays no household bills, only for his car.

Every weekend contact is going to be until DS is in full time school, at which point it will change to EOW and split holidays - although he is already talking about "wasting" his annual leave.

As it is I slept all day yesterday, and feeling slightly better today. I still would not feel confident looking after a nearly 2yo in the state I am in, but as many have said I may feel better tomorrow. As it stands, ex will be bringing DS back later than usual at 6, so I will only have to do bedtime, and hope for the best Monday morning.

OP posts:

QueenArseClangers · 16/11/2013 12:01

He sounds a right nob. He's the parent not a babysitter and should take full responsibility if you're unable to care for DS. So what if he misses a day's pay? Having children means that things like this happen so he should just grow up and suck it up.
Agree with everything perfectstorm says.

IndiansInTheFuckerLobby · 16/11/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsmeisntit · 16/11/2013 22:34

The maintenance is for your son not for you. i would guess that youe ex chose to live with his parents 2.5 hours away, we is your son being penalised for that?
He must think he has die and gone to heaven with that agreement. Your DH is entitled to about 15% of his "good" wages---don't sell him short.

queenofthepirates · 16/11/2013 22:51

Lordy, you poor love, how awful for you having to try and thrash this out whilst you've got the flu.

YADNBU to ask you ex to look after a toddler whilst you're ill, there's no possibility you can care for him adequately. Not only do you need plenty of rest, there's a plausible chance you will give the flu to the child which is madness.

Get well soon, lock the door and refuse to answer it. xxx

Original poster

welshnat · 17/11/2013 11:57

I really am fine with the maintenance arrangement at the moment. I have said in the future when it changes to EOW I will be asking for money.

The living situation is strange as I moved to my home town last year with the plan that he would follow when he found a job, but stayed with his parents while "looking". 10 months later after an engagement, and then him saying that he didn't want to move into our home or get married, the only option he really had was stay with his parents.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2013 12:45

What perfectstorm said.

Vikki88 · 17/11/2013 13:19

He sounds like an arse and is being deliberately awkward. Did he even actually try to get time off work? Doesn't sound like he wanted it. YANBU and your ex is out of order. He needs to learn that being a father is a full time job, not just when it's convenient for him.

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