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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overhearing domestic violence

40 replies

nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:19

A friend called me this morning to tell me she'd spent the night, awake, terrified as she'd heard the man next door assaulting his partner all night long. She and her partner had heard a fierce verbal argument followed by whimpering female saying things like 'please stop', things thrown at the wall (her possibly), it went on all night and she didn't call police. I told her she must but she won't for fear the perpetrator will harm her children who were not present at the time. She is in this accommodation temporarily (I don't know the address) whilst she's having work undertaken on her own property and will be moving out in the next three weeks. I suggested she get her children's dad to put them up until she moves out, which he would, but that she simply must call police. She has no idea if the woman is alive or dead, pregnant or not (not that that makes a difference to whether or not she should call). She just says that he'll know it was her even though it could be any number of other residents that could have called. I told her she can make the call anonymous. Even if I follow her home I won't be able to work out which flat the violence was taking place in. Feel desperately impotent and so frustrated with the friend. What would you do? What can I do? I have made it clear that she should, that I will if she'll just give me the address but to no avail.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 15/11/2013 10:25

She should have called the police while it was happening. She can call and share her concerns now. The address may be known to the police already. If the couple next door have children then it she certainly needs to call the police and SS.

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:27

I know I know!!! She just won't and keeps saying it was the worst night of HER life. I have talked and talked to her telling her about Levi Bellfield, Ian Huntley, all the women (and children) who die or are abused whilst others stand by. It makes it even worse because she works in the field of safeguarding.

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owlbegoing · 15/11/2013 10:27

WOW
I couldn't sleep at night hearing someone having the crap beat out of them either! Shock
Why the hell didn't her partner call the police if she was so concerned about repercussions? I could understand if she'd be alone but she had him there! Wouldn't she want someone to make the call if heaven forbid she was in the situation?
Just Wow!

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:30

I've tried that tack too, I asked her if she heard a child being raped whether that would be enough to call or if she'd just think the man would rape her kids. She avoided that one and just cried. Her partner will do whatever she says.

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WallaceWindsock · 15/11/2013 10:30

She should call. Although I've called four times about the couple u the road and they don't turn up for hours by which point it's all calmed down. I will call every time I hear him kick off though. The only time I didn't was when he was sat in the car hitting HIMSELF round the face over and over and shouting. They drove off and I had no idea if they were going to be back soon. It's tough when you want to avoid them knowing it's you though.

BonkeyMollocks · 15/11/2013 10:33

Surely this a no brainer?

What happened if she was murdered? How would she feel then?

I can understand her not wanting him to know it was her but surely in this sort of situation then police should be called asap!

BonkeyMollocks · 15/11/2013 10:34

The woman next door being murdered - not her.....

I would say that if the tables were turned then would she want someone to do something for her if her partner was beating the crap out of her?

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:34

I do understand it's hard for her but she's moving out in 3 weeks anyway. She asked what would happen if she called the police. I know its a possibility the woman will have no visible injuries, will deny anything happened and that he may be arrested & released at best but that she can only do her part and let the rest of the system do it's part. Of course this might not result in him being incarcerated and her turning her life around but that she can only do her bit. Thanks for talking though. I can't talk to real life friends as they'll only want to know who I mean.

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nurseneedshelp · 15/11/2013 10:34

She works in safeguarding and hasn't done anything?

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 10:36

Oh god, OP that sounds horrible. How about calling Women's Aid who could advise her how to keep herself and her kids safe AND help out her next door neighbour? She isn't wrong for feeling scared of this guy - he does sound really scary. So if she is to take action, she needs to be able to do so in a way that also keeps her safe. But you are right - if you hear that kind of thing OF COURSE you should seek to help your neighbour!

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:37

Yes! I just hope to god that when confronted professionally with such risk she'll share the information because she's protected in terms of location etc. I'm going to give it an hour and contact her again though we've already spoken for over half an hour and she's adamant.

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SaucyJack · 15/11/2013 10:39

I personally think it's naive to assume that calling the police will be beneficial or appreciated- unless she's at actual risk of being murdered that night. Otherwise, she'll just learn to cry silently and he'll hit her where the bruises don't show next time.

Far better IMO to talk to her and guide her towards support.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 15/11/2013 10:40

Why don't you call the police and give them your friend's name and tell them what she told you? Sounds like she's given you her problem, she knows what she should do, she won't be a grown up about it, a crime's been committed...

That woman could be dead and she did nothing. I wouldn't want it on my conscience, even at one remove, if I were you.

Leverette · 15/11/2013 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:43

But how does she know she's not at risk of being murdered? I know police aren't always welcome or able to 'solve' the problem but they do share information with other agencies if the risk is high and everyone can work to address the problem. I'm not naïve about the fact there is no magic bullet but she says if she speaks directly to the woman and she tells her violent partner then my friend is even more at risk.

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Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:45

I think your right 'namechanges'. I'm going to tell her either to let me call with the address or that I'll pass her name on to the police.

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BonkeyMollocks · 15/11/2013 10:50

Chances are he won't know specifically who called them if you/she do!

They won't just go to their address and hers , they will go to everyone who is within hearing/close distance to gather a info.

I have had the police knocking on my door about people who live down the road.

BumPotato · 15/11/2013 10:50

It makes me sad that some poor woman was getting 7 shades of shit kicked out of her last night and someone that could have helped her chose not to.

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:53

Have just contacted her, no reply at moment. Message left. I know it's time critical so will pursue and pursue. Thanks for advice/comments.

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HowlingTrap · 15/11/2013 11:49

Hmmm this is a tricky one, not all DV perpetrators are exactly the same if she is living next to some violent thug like something straight out of a brit flick then yeah I would phone, but be very scared of it coming back to me.

have you tried talking to her calmly?

The child rape interrogation was unnecessary, I hate it when rape is brought up when often its irrelevant or melodramatic because its emotive, what does someone being raped even sound like? its not relevant to the situation is it?
its about fear of repercussions,
do they definitely have kids?

HowlingTrap · 15/11/2013 11:52

can you guess the address? do you know her neighbours?

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 11:53

Any time nevermore. You sound a good person - and for what its worth, your friend may be too, just very, very scared.

Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 11:55

We did talk calmly, I feel passionately about it but don't think that shouting or demanding would make her any more likely to make a call. The mention of rape was really to try and get her to think what circumstances would she deem so terrible as to make the call. The couple involved don't have children as far as she's aware (or they weren't present that night to her knowledge though of course they could have been cowering in their beds overhearing it all) and I wasn't suggesting that took place. Nor am I suggesting DV perpetrators are predisposed to sexual offending against children. (Though we do know that in a very significant number of cases they will go on to physically abuse children.)

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Original poster
nevermore · 15/11/2013 11:58

I know she's a good person and in great fear but as someone much more articulate than me once said "All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

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Monetbyhimself · 15/11/2013 11:58

I wish my neighbours had phoned the police the night my Ex beat me for over three hours. We were in a second floor flat. Every time he threw me against the wall or to the floor, prayed that in a few minutes the police would be there. No one came. And from then on, the neighbours couldn't make eye contact with me.