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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overhearing domestic violence

40 replies

nevermore · 15/11/2013 10:19

A friend called me this morning to tell me she'd spent the night, awake, terrified as she'd heard the man next door assaulting his partner all night long. She and her partner had heard a fierce verbal argument followed by whimpering female saying things like 'please stop', things thrown at the wall (her possibly), it went on all night and she didn't call police. I told her she must but she won't for fear the perpetrator will harm her children who were not present at the time. She is in this accommodation temporarily (I don't know the address) whilst she's having work undertaken on her own property and will be moving out in the next three weeks. I suggested she get her children's dad to put them up until she moves out, which he would, but that she simply must call police. She has no idea if the woman is alive or dead, pregnant or not (not that that makes a difference to whether or not she should call). She just says that he'll know it was her even though it could be any number of other residents that could have called. I told her she can make the call anonymous. Even if I follow her home I won't be able to work out which flat the violence was taking place in. Feel desperately impotent and so frustrated with the friend. What would you do? What can I do? I have made it clear that she should, that I will if she'll just give me the address but to no avail.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 15/11/2013 12:06

show her this thread. Sorry, but she needs to be shamed into doing the right thing. Wasn't it in the papers recently that they are thinking of making not reporting suspected child abuse a crime? Maybe they should extend it to DV so that people like your friend step up and behave like decent citizens.

I can't believe that she thinks there could be a possibility that this woman might be dead and she won't act.

HowlingTrap · 15/11/2013 12:07

Hmm, tricky then children present would make it a must do for SS and police,

Try and ask your sister if he is always there, i.e is the woman completely unable to call, or does he work etc?

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 12:24

And I am totally with you on.that nevermore! You are RIGHT to.be pushing this. At the same time, the objective here is to get her to make that call - and AS FAST AS POSSIBLE

Why is she not making that call, in what seems to be a decision weirdly at odds with her own values? Because she is scared. What needs to happen then? She needs to find a strategy which allows her to report this which makes her feel that age and her kids are safe. That's why I said call, or ask her to call, the Women's Aid helpline - they are very, very good at addressung this stuff.

I think shaming her as some of the posters have suggested is unlikely to get the result your neighbour needs because she is more likely to back off, get defensive and dodge your calls.

Marmotte3 · 15/11/2013 12:29

Many years ago I when I lived in an apartment surrounded by others I was screaming for help when my ex was beating me up and then tried to strangle me. Nobody came, nobody phoned the police.

I eventually escaped later that night and ran to a friend's place. I'm very lucky to be alive.

Please phone the police yourself and do whatever you can to help, even without your friend's agreement.

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 12:33

Monet and Marmotte - God how awful. Thanks for having the bravery to post.

Do you know what the OP can possibly do without her friend's permission? As she posted earlier, her friend won't give her the address.

Marmotte3 · 15/11/2013 12:54

Could OP phone 101 ask the police for advice on how to proceed?

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 12:55

That sounds like a good idea Marmotte

zatyaballerina · 15/11/2013 12:59

She is right to be fearful for herself and her children. If this man is a violent thug, he may be around to threaten her and her children if he suspects she called the police. His partner will very likely support him, she is an adult and she will have the opportunity to call the police herself when she's ready to get away from him. Someone who is victim of an intruder will welcome a neighbour calling the police but domestics are different, the 'victims' don't welcome it and will often attack anyone who tries to help.

Her neighbours situation is not her or her children's problem and she shouldn't get involved. She should put on headphones if it's bothering her next time.

It may sound very socially conscious and feminist to advise people to poke their nose into other peoples relationships but you can't do that without the risk of being dragged into the drama and violence. There's nothing remotely admirable about endangering your own and your childrens safety for an adult neighbours bad taste in men. Your friends responsibility is to her family, it's not her job to sort out other peoples lives for them.

Marmotte3 · 15/11/2013 13:13

As yet, there is no evidence that this man is a thug. It is wrong to make those assumptions. The fact here is that this woman's life may be in danger.

Most perpetrators of DV focus their violence on their partner/children.

My ex was as sweet as pie to almost all who knew him. My family initially couldn't understand why I would want to leave him.

nevermore · 15/11/2013 13:15

I really can't agree with putting on headphones to drown out the abuse. Should we also look away if we see someone being dragged by their hair down the street? Is there a magic cut off of 16+ when we look away but under 16 we call police?

I know many affected by DV and so many say that they were too terrified to report due to years of being slowly, deliberately put down till they had no will left. There have been 20 women alone killed in London through DV since April, Levi Bellfield who killed 8 (was it) so severely abused his partners so they shook with terror at his very return from work.

Anyway, the great news is that she's going to call police, or let me later today once she's packed up the kids and sent them off to their dads. I know now would be better but 2 hours and she'll be gone.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 13:18

That's BRILLIANT news Nevermore! I am so pleased - thanks for letting us know.

And Zatya are you for real???! Troll alert anyone?

nevermore · 15/11/2013 13:19

And Banaz Mahmod (you remember, the young woman killed by her family for shaming them for daring to leave her horrendously violent husband) had a sister who was also at enormous risk. When police called on her to try and get her to somewhere safe she hurled abuse at them, told them it was none of their business but after being hauled out (for her own protection) she broke down saying how grateful she was that they had got her out. She just couldn't say that with her family watching. Its the same for DV victims, they have to pretend to their abuser that they aren't the ones bringing the police to the door.

OP posts:
PepperPotts · 15/11/2013 13:39

Oh I hope she does ring the police.

I was beaten upin a flat one night, it was a new relationship and he was amazing (a very charming man). I eventually got out after he'd ripped his own phone line out and smashed up my mobile (I'd shut myself n his bedroom to ring 999)

I ran home bloodied and throwing up where my lovely housemate rang the police and my brother. I never saw him again as a boyfriend (he lives fairly close by) but he denied it all to the Police saying it was a drunken row. I didn't have the guts to persue it so he got away with it.

I see his current girlfriend driving sometimes (very distinctive munber plate) she drives down the lane I walk down on the way to school. She looks glamourous and haunted and recently I saw a baby on board sign in the car, I felt sick when I did.

Sorry, I've gone here but I wish one of his neighbours had done something!

Marmotte3 · 15/11/2013 13:47

Unfortunately there are too many like Zatya out there - victim blaming.

Thanks for persevering with your friend nevermore, we can only try to make a difference/help.

Tulip26 · 15/11/2013 14:09

Good for you OP, you may have saved this woman's life by persisting!

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