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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like crying because

29 replies

MillionPramMiles · 15/11/2013 09:27

Dp and i were supposed to go away this weekend without dd but our childcare just fell through :( We've had exactly 4 days together away from dd this year and no more planned. We have no family nearby who we can leave dd with for even a day. Our relationship is crumbling and we're too disappointed to even speak to each other.

I know a lot of people are much worse off and i should be grateful for all i have but sometimes I just feel there isn't any point in even trying to pretend that we have any life of our own outside of parenting and going to work. When I think of how much we used to love and care for each other and how we are just so tired all the time now, it makes me so so sad.

Just feeling very sad, that's all.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 09:36

Million I know what you mean. We have never had any days or weekends together since DC were born (one batch of GP too elderly, the other overseas). Not trying to stealth compete, but if I thought I was going to get some time alone and then it was taken away, I would feel like crying too. It is a cruel irony that the time when you face your biggest changes and challenges together is the time when you have no respite, space and time to come together and talk - or even just be together as a couple. No wonder partners grow apart. I have wondered when my DC are older if we could arrange swopsies with friends who also have DC, maybe once every six months or something. But right now - nada. It sucks.

Joysmum · 15/11/2013 09:41

Don't be too disappointed to talk to each other. Hold each other close and share how disappointed you both feel as that's how good marriages stay close day to day without grand gestures and special time. Sharing simple hugs, looks, smiles are all ways to connect that don't require child care.

If you don't share your disappointment you'll be divided in your disappointment and making things worse.

Tailtwister · 15/11/2013 09:44

I can understand your disappointment OP, especially after you've been looking forward to it. Is there any way you could get a baby sitter, even just for one evening? I know it's not the same as getting away, but it would be something?

DH and I have been away just once since DS1 was born 5.5 years ago. We do try and make time for each other once the children are in bed though. We take turns in cooking a special meal each weekend and usually have an evening out once a month or so. Having children has been hard on our relationship though and it hasn't gone unscathed sadly.

Handbagsonnhold · 15/11/2013 09:44

Op like prev post my partner and I have never had a night away (dd now 3). We have only ever had 2 evenings out (and have rushed to get back from those). Who was meant to be having your dd? Can they do it another time soon for you?
I can understand your disappointment I'm surrounded by work colleagues and friends whose grandparents/relatives have their children most weekends....I can't help but being a tiny bit envious sometimes.
Hope you manage to sort something soon x

attheendoftheday · 15/11/2013 09:45

That must be very disappointing.

That said, I think 4 days childfree together is quite a bit in a year.

You don't need time away to address problems in your relationship. You can still spend time together with kids in tow.

Hope you find something nice to do instead.

Boggler · 15/11/2013 10:26

Op I feel sorry for you but how many parents actually get child free days? We dont get any (other than workHmm) nor do we expect any. We get the odd night out when gp's babysit but never overnight - they think dd is too young ATM. It's just part of being a parent and we try to have special days that include the dc - tbh we wouldn't enjoy being without them. Hope you manage to find something nice to do together.

CaptainSweatPants · 15/11/2013 10:30

How old is she?
Take her with you
Go for nice days out

It's kind of depressing to only look forward to the time you spend away from her
Enjoy her!

bigkidsdidit · 15/11/2013 10:31

I'm sorry your weekend fell through.

DH and I haven't been out together since ds1 was born three years ago except to one wedding. It is how it is - I think this is normal, and four days in a year is quite a lot?

What we are going to do is make evenings special - nice dinner, wine, no telly or laptops or phones, good chat.

phantomnamechanger · 15/11/2013 10:32

quality time is what you need, it does not have to involve going away, though if you are stuck at home there is always the temptation to get on with mundane chores. But you need to invest in YOU to make things good.You can have a quality night in with wine, take away or cook his favourite meal, massage, lots of cuddles and kisses and intimacy. And talk, remember the special times, how you met, fell in love, what you mean to each other - talk about the nice stuff not the bills and the DIY that needs doing.

Spaulding · 15/11/2013 10:35

OP, I can understand your disappointment, especially if you're relationship isn't too strong at the moment and this would have been a chance to give it a bit of a kick-start.

But how about arranging some fun things to do this weekend with your DD? Not trying to play top trumps, but I can count on one had the times DP and I have had alone since having our DS. And we're quite lucky that DS GP would look after him in a heartbeat. But we enjoy doing this together so just rarely feel the need for alone time.

Take DD out for a nice lunch, go for a walk, something else fun depending on DD's age. All is not lost.

Spaulding · 15/11/2013 10:36

your* Shock

WallaceWindsock · 15/11/2013 10:38

You need to get imaginative. For DPs birthday we were going to go glamping but for various reasons this isn't happening now. So I'm going to surprise him with living room glamping! I've found a tent and am going to cover the inside with a bit of material, stick loads of cushions and throws etc inside, candles everywhere and a special dinner on the barbecue when it's dark and hopefully not raining. I've also gone a bit mad and made a few cardboard trees Grin

When you don't get child free time you have to be creative with the time you do have. Clear away all toys, dim the lights, find a box of board games, have lots of sex, do a home cinema type thing, sit on a rug in the garden with a bottle of something and look at the stars. We don't get reliable regular childcare but we make the effort because if we didn't i don't think our relationship would be as strong. Don't be disheartened, be inventive!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/11/2013 10:40

Take her with you? How old is she?

4 days away child free in a year seems a lot to me, I don't know anyone who has that.

Your relationship isn't something that can only happen when you haven't got your DD with you, she is part of it now and life and changed and you have to find new ways to invest in your relationship.

Sorry if that all seems a bit preachy, but unless there is a lot you haven't told us then it seems a bit mountain-out-of-molehill.

TheNumberfaker · 15/11/2013 10:41

DH and I have had 3 nights away in total from our DDs. DD1 is now 5.3 years.
Up until September it was one night in 5 years.

We have had some very grumpy times full of bickering but we've stuck together as we try to keep in mind that a marriage (or lifelong commitment) is going to have low points as well as high.

Life with young children is tough I'm afraid!

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 10:46

Million, although these are all helpful suggestions, if you feel your relationship is 'crumbling', I wonder if they are making you feel worse? Me and DH had a very bad patch which lasted for tears after DC1 was born - and we had been so close before that I was shocked, ashamed and well, grieving for all we had lost. We are better now, but are still struggling to rebuild and I think that process will take years.

I may be playing guessing games here, but is the biggest problem not the w-end in itself but what it stands for and how you feel about what is happening to your relationship? You are amongst friends and this is all anonymous so if you want to talk more broadly about why you feel so much like crying - please talk.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/11/2013 10:55

I have loads of child free time. When ds was a baby my Dad and his partner used to have him every Sunday afternoon, and my mum has had him sleep over since being about one. Not that often-maybe every couple of months, but more that lots of you it seems.
Now I have one day when ds is at school and I am free to do what I like til I have to pick him up. If I could afford it I would go out once a week and get a friend or my mum to babysit (and ds HATES it when I go out, but he's not the boss of me!)
I find it really weird that so many people on MN never go out, whether with their partner or on their own. I KNOW I am really lucky to have gp's nearby, and healthy enough to help, but I have also built up a little network of support where we do quid pro quo, because I like to be out on my own sometimes!
OP-I can understand why you needed some time away, and of course you are dissapointed.
Parenthood doesnt have to be martyrdom, and it doesn't have to be endless togetherness either.
Look, I know couples who spend all their time together, to the extent that if one has to get up at 6, the other will, but they seem happy with that, so fine.
If you are the kind of person who needs some timeout, that's cool too.
However, there is not much you can do about it now but make the best of it, and do something nice all together. Give each other some love, don't take out your dissapointment on each other.

MrsOakenshield · 15/11/2013 11:02

it's very disappointing when any trip gets cancelled, but we've never had a night away from DD and she is nearly 4. Until she started nursery at age 2, one or other of us (me, mainly) was always with her, we never left her with anyone.

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 11:02

The OP has gone very quiet. Million are you alright or having a good howl? I am worried that the rather brusque tone of some of these posts has possibly shut you up when you needed to talk.

It's really, really hard when you feel like your marriage/partnership is coming to bits and you have no time or energy to fix it, let alone to be creative about how you do that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/11/2013 11:06

IfNot - we go out, on our own and together - but either the other one is at home with the children, or we book a babysitter through an agency we use.

OP I took the liberty of looking at a few of your other threads. I understand what it is like to have a child that doesn't sleep. Neither of mine have, DS2 especially didn't nap at all as a baby and wouldn't be put down, and he still doesn't go reliably through the night now at 2.5.
DS1 is 5, and he still comes into our bed sometimes too.

DH and I have always stayed in our bed though, and shared the sleep deprivation, and it has strengthened our bond. There have definitely been some bad patches, but we have come through it and things are much better now.

Wherever you had planned to go this weekend, just take her with you and have a different kind of weekend.

MrsOakenshield · 15/11/2013 11:08

I find it really weird that so many people on MN never go out, whether with their partner or on their own. I KNOW I am really lucky to have gp's nearby, and healthy enough to help,

don't know why you think it's weird, you've answered your own question! My friends can only do so much, most work and have things going on on non-work days - I know I have! I do babysit in the evenings for friends and vice versa but it's still not that often - the last time we were out together was back in July, and the next time will be to go and see The Hobbit (obviously Smile) in December!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/11/2013 11:09

MrsOakenshield - us too! In fact that reminds me I need to book a sitter :)

UtterflyButterfly · 15/11/2013 11:17

million what a shame. It sounds as though you were hoping this weekend would help repair your relationship.

Can you do something special once your DD is in bed? Cook a special meal (or get a takeaway), set the table nicely, dress up as if you were in a restaurant, buy a fancy bottle of wine? Anything to make yourself feel a bit pampered and set the scene for a heart to heart with DP.

And take her with you for a day out tomorrow - OK, it won't be what you had planned, but you've got a free day now; don't fill it with normal weekend chores, do something fun for all of you.

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 11:32

Alibaba thanks for your contribution. Chronic sleep deprivation would indeed explain why the OP feels so weepy, worried about her relationship and unable to come up with date night ideas at home. Altho all parents go through some of this, some people really do have it much worse than others. My DS1 had reflux - howled for 45 mins going down for a 20 min nap, an hour on waking - rinse and repeat 5 x a day ...and then the night started. Over and over again. It's what blasted a bloody great whole in my own relationship and if the HV told me to "sleep when the baby sleeps" or "try and make special time for my DH" one more time, I swore I was going to nut her. I just feel DESPERATE when I was that tired for some kind of personal space and some kind of treat to make the grind bearable. IMO, the OP clearly deserves sympathy and support, not judgey pants!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/11/2013 11:35

Mrs Oakenshield-I dont go out much either (broke!) but there do seem to be a LOT of people on MN who seem quite proud of the fact that their entire lives are about faaaamily time, and have never left their children s side. My friends are busy working parents too. But we can do occasional swapsies etc, as can most people. I do think there is a bit of a culture of martydom these days to do with having kids. A lot of people seemed quite judgmental that OP might be upset that her plans have been foiled, as they would never countenance such a thing.

bellybuttonfairy · 15/11/2013 11:38

It is difficult. I remember being tired and wound up when i had dd1. Ive never had very much childcare and went on to have another 2 dc quite quickly.

The secret is to learn to relax and have a laugh together in the chaos of children.