AIBU to be "Difficult" and "Demanding" Over my Brother's Wedding?

[FixItUpChappie]

My one and only sibling is getting married. When he was visiting us in late summer we were out to dinner and chatted about some of his venue ideas…they were considering his fiancée’s home town, where they currently reside and were considering somewhere abroad. When he mentioned Mexico, I diplomatically said that he is the only person in the world I would consider going to Mexico for as I have a lot of safety concerns about bring the children to Mexico (not to derail the thread over debates on the merits of Mexico!). It was a light conversation over possibilities, a ribbing over me being a worrywart etc – nothing had been decided or even looked into in the slightest.

We’ve now been notified that the wedding will be in Hawaii in just over a year. My mum is totally stressed about the cost. She looked into fares and called to inform me that an 8+ hour flight to Hawaii will cost DH and I upwards of $6000 with the kids (who will be 2 and 4 years respectively) – not including hotel, food, transport etc, etc. She took it upon herself to email him that she was worried about the cost especially for my family and about the travel (she has never travelled outside North America and has some mobility issues).

He apparently immediately called her on the angry offensive advising they are giving plenty of notice, that nobody else has any problems with the plan – just us. To object is to be “difficult” and “demanding” apparently. That it wouldn’t be so expensive if I hadn’t vetoed Mexico . He pointed out his fiancée’s sister has young children and has no issue with attending. He suggested a range of ideas for me and DH coming without the kids (not going to happen) or me going alone and basically advised that he wants expects his only sister to be there.

This is so much pressure. I think there is no way in hell we will be able to save up the required amount. Even my going alone will be a huge financial pressure. I personally have no desire to be that far from my young children either TBH. I am at the tail end of my 2nd maternity leave in 3 years….we are up to our nose hairs in debt.

I know the cardinal rule of Destinations weddings is fine as long as there is no pressure for guests to attend…but what about the burden on immediate family?! I just think it’s massively selfish. Ahh! I don’t want to miss my brother’s wedding or cause strife but seriously – this is just an incredible burden on us! AIBU to even consider not going?

[PestoPeachissimos]

What I can't understand is wanting to have all your family & friends with you post wedding. During what is effectively your honeymoon! When surely most newly-weds would prefer their own company

I think it would be better for them to get married somewhere at home and then shove off to their dream destination, which suits them. Mexico, if that's what they really wanted originally, for example. But definitely not to expect family & friends to be either happy to, or able to, fork out shed loads of money to be able to indulge the couple's selfish whims!

[Alexandrite]

I think the thing is to check how much it will cost and then let him know immediately that you can't afford it if you can't. That way presumably they can still change it to somewhere else. If you leave it too long their plans may be too advanced to change.

[ArbitraryUsername]

I think your mum's wrong about the costs. It won't cost that much. I just priced up 2 weeks in Waikiki for my family (which includes a teen so 3 adults and 1 child) from a uk regional airport and you flight + hotel comes in between £6.5k and £8k at very nice hotels. I'd imagine I could bring that cost down by finding hotels that don't sponsor Hawaii 5-0.

24+ hours of travelling each way! however! Eek.

Good job it was purely idle speculation.

Nonetheless, if your family is struggling for money at the moment, then forking out for a family holiday for your brother's wedding is not a good idea. Your brother is so obviously being unreasonable. If he wants you to be there, he'll need to pay for your flights and hotel. That's the thing about a 'destination wedding'; you have to be willing to pay for anyone that you insist must be there, and willing for no one else to attend.

[diddl]

Did you tell him that you didn't veto Mexico?

You'll have to tell him that you can't afford to go & that's that tbh.

[madamginger]

My sister got married in new York, me and my family didn't go, we could just not afford it, it would have cost about £4000 for the 5 of us!
Yanbu, it still pisses me off now.

[ArbitraryUsername]

Although I bet he's getting married in Maui. The price is very similar though, but it's c. 30 hours of travelling on the way home. Eurgh.

[Damnautocorrect]

I think if you chose to get married abroad you have to accept unless you can afford to pay yourself the important people in your life can't /won't afford it, or want to take precious annual leave for it.

[PestoPeachissimos]

Anyhoo OP, YANBU.

Your brother is!

I would just tell them that you won't be able to afford to attend wedding if they stick to Hawaii. And I would suggest your Mother tells him aswell.

They might have a re-think, or they may decide to go ahead regardless, just with his fianc?'s family attending. Their choice ultimately.

[specialsubject]

it's only a party. Tell him 'sorry, but we cannot afford the travel and accommodation to go that far'. This is a simple sentence, repeated sufficiently he may just be able to understand.

[Handbagsonnhold]

Yanbu .... Hear more and more of these extremely expensive weddings abroad ....they should accept that ( even close) family may not be able to afford it. I always think it seems a little selfish to book these things unless you are extremely affluent and can help out with fares etc.

[mameulah]

It is irrelevant whether he understands your reasoning or not.

Don't go. And do so graciously.

YADNBU

[Anchoress]

I'm confused. OP, did you ever tell your brother you would not go to a Mexico wedding? And did you ever tell him you couldn't afford Hawaii? Because it doesn't sound from your OP as if you did either. You said you had concerns about Mexico, but implied you would go anyway because it was such a special occasion. And it sounds as if your mother put words in your mouth about the cost of Hawaii being prohibitive, possibly projecting her own preference for a different location...?

It sounds as if he is reacting to things you haven't actually said. Point this out to him, talk to one another, and stop your mother's well- meant but unhelpful intervention!

[MostWicked]

It's his wedding and he is free to choose whatever he wants and can afford.

If you can't afford to go, don't go.

You shouldn't put any pressure on him to do anything differently. He shouldn't put any pressure on you to spend money you can't afford.

[phantomnamechanger]

I will never understand why peoples desire to have an exotic wedding location overrules their desire to be surrounded by their nearest and dearest on that day. A compromise would be an exotic wedding abroad, but the bride and groom paying for just their parents to go too, then a blessing/big party for everyone when they get home. someone elses wedding is never going to be your priority when it is set to cost you £££ that could better be spent on a new car, kids uni fees, paying off the mortgage etc etc - why do these people feel so ENTITLED to dictate how others spend their money???

[bleedingheart]

If he wants to get married in Hawaii he can but he can't demand or expect other people to attend.

This trend for big, expensive, destination weddings is so vulgar and selfish when it puts pressure on other relatives.
Why should you be expected to scrimp and save for a year so you can go to the wedding he has chosen for himself? Sister or not. Spending so much money on one day, when it is a struggle, is ludicrous!

[ProfPlumSpeaking]

Do I deduce from the OP that your mother and brother live in North America and that you have moved to live in the UK (sorry may be wrong but you mentioned your mum had never left North America)? If so, are you facing a "destination" wedding whatever happens?

Your brother is BU if he expects you to attend regardless of cost, but I am also sure that 2 adults and 2 DC can get to Hawaii and stay for a week for a lot less than £8k if you have a lot of notice and so time to book discount flights.

I always thought that if someone chose an exotic destination then they would send air tickets to those they wanted to attend. I would. Maybe your DB is planning to do that??? If not, then a second celebration on his return is called for which those of you who couldn't make the wedding will attend. Just give him lots of notice of your position and stay firm. He will come round x

[badguider]

I can totally understand why he took your comments about Mexico and decided both you and your mum would prefer Hawaii (assuming you are US citizens then it's not really 'abroad' despite the distance).

You need to decide if the cost is the only thing stopping you going without your dh and los. If it is, get the real cheapest cost and tell him and see if he'll help with the air fare.

You say you're not keen on leaving your los but if your db helped with the cost you only need go for a few days with your dm and it will be good for you to be there.

[badguider]

p.s. I have a friend who conducted a long distance relationship between Arizona and Hawaii for a couple of years and i'm sure they weren't paying that sort of money for flights!

[Bambamb]

YANBU.

DH and I would have loved to have done thisbut tthis is exactly why we didn't. We would never have put that pressure on our nearest and dearest

[dreamingbohemian]

I just looked up flights from New York to Honolulu for next October and it's $700 per person RT. I don't know where you're flying from but I think your mum is exaggerating. You can also shop around for package deals.

I think you should try to go with your mum. Your kids will be older by then and a long weekend away from them won't seem so difficult. It's your only brother and you would be his only family there.

I know he's being difficult but it seems like the kind of thing that you would decline to do right now for righteous reasons, but in the long run you would look back and regret it.

Perhaps if you let him know you're willing to look into it and will come if you can possibly afford it, he'll meet you halfway and pay for your hotel rooms or something. I guess I just wouldn't dismiss it out of hand, especially if you say he's not usually like this.

[BeigeBuffet]

YANBU

5 out of 6 of my fathers sisters didn't attend my wedding 'because it was too far away'. It was an hours drive.

Hawaii would be amazing if you had the money to afford it but you don't, so you can't go. It's as simple as that.

[sublimelime]

If you can't afford it don't go. Maybe he can arrange to SKYPE you when just got married? ...or at various times throughout the day.

You could celebrate along at home. Toast the bride and groom etc.

[WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo]

I'm in Hawaii at the moment. My flight from the UK (20 hours) was £600. Be a lot less from mainland USA, surely?

[gamerchick]

It's weird expecting people to pay. Those i know who have wanted to get married in far flung places have paid for the entire thing rather than guests shell out.