AIBU to be "Difficult" and "Demanding" Over my Brother's Wedding?

[FixItUpChappie]

My one and only sibling is getting married. When he was visiting us in late summer we were out to dinner and chatted about some of his venue ideas…they were considering his fiancée’s home town, where they currently reside and were considering somewhere abroad. When he mentioned Mexico, I diplomatically said that he is the only person in the world I would consider going to Mexico for as I have a lot of safety concerns about bring the children to Mexico (not to derail the thread over debates on the merits of Mexico!). It was a light conversation over possibilities, a ribbing over me being a worrywart etc – nothing had been decided or even looked into in the slightest.

We’ve now been notified that the wedding will be in Hawaii in just over a year. My mum is totally stressed about the cost. She looked into fares and called to inform me that an 8+ hour flight to Hawaii will cost DH and I upwards of $6000 with the kids (who will be 2 and 4 years respectively) – not including hotel, food, transport etc, etc. She took it upon herself to email him that she was worried about the cost especially for my family and about the travel (she has never travelled outside North America and has some mobility issues).

He apparently immediately called her on the angry offensive advising they are giving plenty of notice, that nobody else has any problems with the plan – just us. To object is to be “difficult” and “demanding” apparently. That it wouldn’t be so expensive if I hadn’t vetoed Mexico . He pointed out his fiancée’s sister has young children and has no issue with attending. He suggested a range of ideas for me and DH coming without the kids (not going to happen) or me going alone and basically advised that he wants expects his only sister to be there.

This is so much pressure. I think there is no way in hell we will be able to save up the required amount. Even my going alone will be a huge financial pressure. I personally have no desire to be that far from my young children either TBH. I am at the tail end of my 2nd maternity leave in 3 years….we are up to our nose hairs in debt.

I know the cardinal rule of Destinations weddings is fine as long as there is no pressure for guests to attend…but what about the burden on immediate family?! I just think it’s massively selfish. Ahh! I don’t want to miss my brother’s wedding or cause strife but seriously – this is just an incredible burden on us! AIBU to even consider not going?

[LtEveDallas]

I think you should try to go with your mum. Your kids will be older by then and a long weekend away from them won't seem so difficult

I wouldn't fly 8 hours plus for a long weekend, not a chance. But then neither would I spend more than a couple of hundred pounds watching someone else get married - sibling or not.

Destination weddings are all well and good, but only if the people you are inviting have plenty of cash. "Normal" families can't afford to splash a grand on a weekend away, no matter what the occasion.

[WaitMonkey]

YANBU having a destination wedding and then demanding people come is just selfish in the extreme. I feel embarrassed for him.

[frumpypigskin]

If I was you I would seriously research the flights, stay etc and then figure out if there is any way you can afford it.

Also, have a look whether there is any way you can go on your own for a long weekend / week etc.

If not then you can't go.

If you can't go try to be diplomatic about it.

[dreamingbohemian]

I guess I was thinking extra-long weekend, Thursday to Monday. That seems doable to me but I do fly a lot.

[Alexandrite]

I feel sorry for people who are invited to destination weddings of close family. They have the choice of not getting to go to the wedding of their nearest and dearest which they may feel awful about, perhaps causing offence too, or spending massive amounts of money and perhaps getting into debt. Not a nice choice to have!

[JRmumma]

If you have a wedding which requires air travel and a 'holiday' for the guests then you have to accept that it may just be you and your intended who are there. If its important to you that people are there, then you have to take that into consideration when planning your wedding.

By all means have exactly the wedding you want, but if you WANT people to be there, then you have to plan around that. I don't think anyone should dictate to you the wedding you want, but if its important to you that x goes, then YOU have to ne responsible for ensuring they will be able to go, not them.

It actually makes me angry that people fall out over not being able to afford to attend a wedding. We are in a situation where our name is mud with the couple as we have declined a wedding abroad as im on mat leave, would have a 7 month old (so weaning, possibly crawling, need to sterilise etc), would be a 14hr flight, 40 degree heat and cost us more than the b&g would be paying for a wedding AND honeymoon in one!

Even if i could afford it i think id say no on the principle that it shouldn't cost more to attend a wedding than to throw one!

[Chivetalking]

YANBU.

If you can't afford it, you can't. He is being a twat.

If he wants you all there that much ask him to stick his hand in his own pocket.

[BlingBang]

Depends what is important to him. Guests (family) or location. We initially wanted a European city wedding and would have helped towards the cost for those family members needing help. Was obvious it was very unpopular so although disappointed we got married in our home town in a cheapish venue to please the guests. It wasn't the wedding I wanted and it did take the glow away from it but having the people we cared about there was more important than the location.

[Bogeyface]

Dear Bro

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I think mum may have got the wrong end of the stick!

I am really pleased that you and X have decided where to have your wedding, but unfortunately due to massive cost involved, we wont be able to attend. We simply don't have the money. Of course we would love to come, but it would cost us many thousands of $ that we couldnt dream of being able to afford.

I am sure you will have a wonderful time though :)

Love



If he kicks off after that then disengage, he is being a total arse.

[Alexandrite]

Perfect Bogey

[Mim78]

Totally groomzilla!

My bro is getting married in Portugal next year. He is paying for everyone's hotel though and flights are quite reasonable... So not the same at all. Also biggest difference is that his finance is Portuguese!

We will have to take dd out of school for a day which tbh is fine. Will have a 5 month old by that time so have said there's a chance Dh will stay home with baby.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think that's good Bogey, but I think the brother's response will probably be to say, why don't you come on your own? Then she would have to explain that even less than $1000 is too much, she doesn't want to leave her kids, etc, and that sort of weakens the argument a bit.

I'd be more tempted to say that you definitely can't all come, but you will look into whether it's possible for you to come on your own -- you think it's unlikely but you will definitely look into it because you know how important it is to him.

Even if you have no intention of going, I think it's nice to at least make an effort to think about it and look into it. He's probably less upset about you not coming than about it not really being considered.

[Alexandrite]

Not read all of the thread, but was the op talking about going to mexico before she could have had the chance to look up costs? Or did she talk about going after she'd looked up prices? There's a difference I think

[ArbitraryUsername]

The OP didn't necessarily agree to travel to Mexico. she said that her brother is the only person in the world that she'd consider going there for. It's not the same thing.

And cost considerations aren't just being 'difficult'. Anyone without their head up their own arse will realise that people don't generally have several thousand pounds (or dollars) lying around hoping that other people will spend it for them.

I fail to see how either safety or cost are being difficult. Difficult would be expecting the menu to be designed around your fussy toddler, or complaining that the wedding isn't arranged with your children's nap schedule in mind.

[starfishmummy]

I am only on page 1 so sorry if I am repeating.

The op needs to talk to her brother herself.

So far she has what her mother says she emailed and what her mother says the brother replied. I am not saying the mother is stirring things up but..
Maybe she (mother) doesn't want to go, but that makes her the awkward person. How much easier to say Fix can't go.....

[zatyaballerina]

Look around first to see if that's a typical deal, it's possible that a low budget airline might be providing flights at a fraction of the price your mother found. If you can find an affordable way to get there, fine. If not, don't waste money you don't have!

It's incredibly arrogant and self centered to expect someone who is already struggling and in debt to plunge themselves further into debt to suit you. No reasonable person would expect that of anyone. Groomzilla needs to get over himself, not everyone has thousands to fritter away.

He is the one being difficult and demanding, he sounds like a tantruming child.

[HomeIsWhereTheGinIs]

I find this kind of thing so irritating but agree with previous posters that your DB will be surprised at how many people will send their regrets when they get the invitation. If his wife was from Hawaii (tradition dictating that marrying in the bride's hometown is the norm) then that'd be one thing, but to pitch a hissy fit and insist that you all spend a fortune on his wedding is really childish. I don't understand why people seem to lose all reason when they start planning their weddings. Why don't people realise that whilst it's an important day in their life, it's not in the lives of others? And that it's not reasonable to demand that their guests waste a week of vacation time and their savings on a holiday somewhere they might not actually want to go given the choice? And I say all of this as someone that had a wedding "abroad" myself - but because one of us had grown up in that different country. We were grateful that so many of our guests chose to make the quick hop to the country we got married in and, in return, we kept the guest list small and paid for as much as we could (meals the day before and after, transport etc). But those that couldn't come were remember, toasted and missed, not bitched about because they (understandably) didn't fancy taking vacation time to a destination of our choosing.

As in all things, surely the idea is to be grateful if someone is kind enough to choose to join you, not to browbeat them into it? Stand your ground. And tell your mother to as well. Neither of you should have to defend your decision.

[allmycats]

Why does the OP not come back to address questions asked
A) if Mexico was Ok cost wise what is the difference in price between
Mexico and Hawaii
B) where is OP located
C) how are the prices she quotes calculated - flights from Uk cost less than she quotes
If she can't pay she just needs to say so

[TempusFuckit]

Because she's asleep? It's 4.45am on the west coast right now, for instance.

[maddy68]

I don't think the brother is being selfish actually
I think you have agreed to attend an abroad wedding, you were worried about Mexico, he then changed it somewhere more acceptable to you nie you say you can't go!

It is his wedding, he can get married wherever he wants.
Don't fall out over It. say you have underestimated the costs and you won't be able to go

[FlankShaftMcWap]

Erm, there's a huge difference between Mexico and Hawaii from NA! Mexico is as abroad from there as Scotland is to England, if I potentially agreed to go to England and was then told I was expected to be in Spain I think I'd be rather annoyed about it actually.

YANBU OP, your brother is being an arse.

[ArbitraryUsername]

But Cool, people don't usually like saying 'oh we don't have the money for that', so they are likely to raise any other objection before that. Only a petulant arsehole would decide someone was being difficult for not being able to afford to go to Hawaii.

[Alexandrite]

She could only have been said to agree to mexico if her brother had told her how much it would have all cost there and then and the op had come back to him after mulling it over at home to say she was coming