to be tired of people excusing their rudeness by saying

[samandi]

"I'm just being direct", "I'm just being authentic" or "provocative", "trying to make people think" etc. etc. ... no, you're not, you're just being a twat. There are very good reasons why qualities such as tact and politeness exist, and you don't have to be rude to be sincere or pose thoughtful questions.

This is true.... But so many people who are focused on politeness and tact also do really come across as passive aggressive, or weasely. The classic is answering "I don't mind" when asked where they want to go. For me that isn't polite: it is PA and drippy.

It is polite (and isn't passive aggressive) if they honestly don't mind ... if they do mind, then yes, they should speak up.

"With respect" is another sentence starter that grates on me.

I knew one person whose excuse for rudeness was that she came from Yorkshire "where people are used to plain speakin'" - It's not 'plain speaking' it's rudeness!

I love how being on the spectrum makes it easy to confuse me with a rude, inconsiderate twat.

Some people are twats. They may be NT or have AS. Being on or off the spectrum really has no bearing on how twattish you are.

I am lovely, by the way, and am very conscious of other peoples feelings and how I come across.

I'm genuinely in two minds here OP - wasn't that polite?

I'm quite direct, except I never announce it as such. To me, I'm expressing my opinion and am baffled when people get hurt by it, especially when they've asked for it.

I don't think I'm on the spectrum, but what do I know?

I'm not without tact though. I generally don't express a negative opinion on personal subjects, because I know that's probably not what the person wants, even if they've asked.

Actually a close friend was doing some kind of weird, culty thing where she had to ask people for their genuine opinions on her - the worse, the better. She wanted me to tell her the truth but it was really hard. I managed to say some things, but not: 'How much are you paying these charlatans to tell you you're useless, you fool?'

What I'm talking about is when someone gets huffy because you have a different opinion to them and express it quite forcefully. I find that passive aggressive or just plain old weedy. There are so many people like that about. Usually they announce themselves by saying: 'If you have nothing nice to say, then you shouldn't say anything' or, 'I hate confrontation.'

I find that as irritating as you find people saying: 'I'm just being direct.'

I was reading a thread about book club politics yesterday that reminded me why I don't belong to one. We once had what I thought was a harmless conversation at work about books and I said I didn't like the book someone had said was her favourite and listed my reasons and she behaved as if I'd called her baby an ugly little troll.

OTOH my MIL has a habit of saying things that she suspects I will object to: women, unions, left-wing politics and laughs: 'Ooh! That's just me being controversial.'

No, that's just you being annoying and I'm not going to bite because you are essentially a nice woman.

I also hate people who don't suffer fools gladly. That always says to me: 'this person is an intolerant arsehole and you really should end the conversation right now.'

And yes, I suppose the book club politics bit was a fred about a fred. Or taken another way, just me being illustrative.

Someone is posting about deliberately rude and twatish behaviour and the first response is connecting that behaviour to autism. As an autistic person I find that pretty rude and twatish.

Treas i live in Yorkshire and used to work with a lady who used to say this as a reason to be a twat...Funny how being equally direct/twattish back never went down well.

However In my job i have to be very direct but i do try temper it with by tone, politeness and explain the reason for being direct. As my job is to support i've never had any complaints but the key is to think before i speak.

I know people who say, "Well Im sorry, but.........", well no your not actually sorry.

Me too Westie, i'm pretty upset TBH. And the irony that an NT person has not been considerate of us AS folk and our feelings (and dare I say, has actually been tactless) I'm sure has not been lost on everyone.

I'm also from Yorkshire

You just can't handle it when other people have strong opposing views

Ah! Yes, I think we might agree. I don't like people who say they're just being honest to try to wriggle out of having to justify their statement.

They're usually the ones who also say: 'You can't say anything these days' and 'it's PC gone mad'.

If you hold a view then just express it and take whatever comes your way.

I think direct is generally good. It doesn't have to be rude, does it? Smiling weakly and saying nothing also works well when you know the opinion you've been asked for won't go down well.

My MiL is so keen to be tactful that she will often contradict herself 3 or 4 times during the same conversation as she tries to second guess what it is you want her to say. Very irritating if what you want is an honest opinion.

"Oh you're just taking exception to my outspoken views because I'm old"No, John McCririck, no.It's because you're a vile obnoxious arsehole.The panel has spoken

Dont forget misogynistic too!

It was my first day supervising a bunch of twats on Tuesday and an old grumpy man started giving me a really hard time for not introducing myself (he didn't give me a chance to do so) and then started questioning my qualifications in a really rude and aggressive way saying "I'm not being awkward but.." To which I replied "well yes you are being it a bit"
He the threatened to leave work and go home because I had called him awkward

I agree with Iam, I often perceive overly nice people as passive aggressive.

If asked for my opinion I will normally give it even if I know they don't agree, not because I'm trying to cause offence but because I assume they actually want to know what I think.

If my opinion is not sought and is contrary to what everyone else thinks I will normally keep my mouth shut

I agree with Iam, I often perceive overly nice people as passive aggressive.

If asked for my opinion I will normally give it even if I know they don't agree, not because I'm trying to cause offence but because I assume they actually want to know what I think.

If my opinion is not sought and is contrary to what everyone else thinks I will normally keep my mouth shut

I feel some sympathy for John McCririck. I think Channel 4 encouraged him to exaggerate aspects of his personality and appearance and then dropped him when his face didn't fit any more.

To me, there is an aspect of age discrimination there, but not nearly enough for him to win his case. Of course TV companies should be allowed to discriminate against someone who makes the viewers switch off, but there's also a part of me that feels uncomfortable with that.

I met him once and was surprised at how pleasant he was. Maybe I was lucky that day.

The worst I had was when (at 21, in a new city, barely knowing anyone) a male acquaintance told me "you're really nice and interesting and all, but if you ever want a bloke to stick with you, you need to get a boob job"!!! Worst thing was, he thought he was being genuinely helpful... some people.

That just made my jaw drop. A guy seriously said that out loud? What a superficial attitude.

"I'm just saying" is now an on running joke in our house.

Say anything as inappropriate and rude as you like and follow it up with "I'm just saying" and it apparently makes it alright!

People excusing rudeness because they're 'passionate' about the subject. What - call centre handling times, really?

I'd be very surprised if an autistic person began a sentence with 'I'm not being rude, but...' In my experience - father and godson on spectrum - someone with Asperger's is simply being direct, as they see it, and would not be making a pre-emptive pseudo-apology for being rude, because their directness doesn't seem rude to them, even it it might be hurtful to someone else.

The person who starts an insult with 'I'm not being rude but...' knows damn well they are being rude, but thinks it's a magic formula for getting away with it.

Someone once told me I had nice breasts for someone my age. But he was being deliberately offensive and we both knew it.

I find it more offensive when men have told me I'd go a lot further if I didn't talk so much = express opinions different to mine. I don't like it when women say the same thing, but they do it in a roundabout way, of course.

I disagree West, the poster was expressing a view she was not trying to excuse the point of view. You disagree, that's fine. Several others had disagreed too without resorting to calling her rude and twattish

YANBU. Step bros wife is like this. Where a polite adult would politely ignore things, she makes bitchy comments under the guise of "only being honest".

Dd has Aspergers (diagnosed, finally, last Monday). She is exceptionally polite to everyone and lives her life by rules.

I think it is a misconception that rudeness is attributed to ASD.

Out of the people I know, I can't think of any on the spectrum who I'd call rude. I do know plenty not on the spectrum who think their views must be heard no matter how hurtful though.