to be a bit fed up with aid worker DH?

[ocelot41]

My DH is a lovely, kind, caring man who has always been very passionate about helping other peoplewhuch is what I fell in love with. But now we have DC I find this means that about two thirds of the house work and child care lands on me because of the pressures of his job - and that's when we aren't in the middle of a massive disaster. I've a long commute, a stressful f/t job at a company that's imploding, and am studying to get another qualification so I can move to a job which is closer, more secure and lower stress. I work from home 2-3 days a week so can get DC at 4pm and then work when they have gone to bed, but I feel like I am cracking up with over work. Aid work is such a big part of who DH is he won't hear of moving somewhere cheaper, nearer my family for help, considering a career change etc so less is riding on mec. I have a history of depression and am worried that I am sliding there again. Aibu for being angry that DH is off saving the world and not making more compromises for my sake? Currently sick at home with sick kid while he sorts the Philippines out which is bringing this all to a head. Sorry for long post!

Hermione Quite. The senior managers are ruthless and don't appear to have any idea how to handle people who have any caring responsibilities ar all (including elder care). My immediate manager is such a sweetie/genuinely right on, egalitarian kind of bloke I think he will.be off soon as he's getting.increasingly frustrated at the managerial culture. One of the reasons I want to get out asap!

I've PMed you.

Yeah I can't see that you'd want to work with such charmers either!

Hermione you don't know the half of it! We are in.the middle of a 'strategic review' aka ritudl blood letting. It's horrible.

Thanks Lottie. PM'd you back!

Just wanted to say thanks to all who posted here today now the thread has gone quiet. I really was having a 'wits end' day and I appreciate all your help, advice and validation. Gotta go now as the Big Nap Kid now awake again (it was a VERY vommy night so poor soul was totally shattered). Will check in again later but meanwhile, THANKS. Talking it through much better than festering in silence!

Best of luck, ocelot.

Let us know how you get on :)

Will do Join. Will get through the com/typhoon, give it some time and then try and have a proper sit down conversation about this. Gulp.

No gulping :)

You have no reason to feel bad about this conversation. It's one that really needs to happen.

You guys need to think AS A TEAM about what is best for your family and for BOTH your careers in the short, medium and long term.

Right now he is expecting four people's lives to be entirely dictated by his preferences. That's not on.

And if he's really the fair-minded man of integrity he likes to present himself as, then he will not take much persuading on that.

agree with join, good luck op!

Thanks both - you are right. X

If you're struggling to get your point across to your DH OP, why don't you drop him a quick email and say

"Great news! Inspired by your fantastic aid work, I've applied for a new job in the aid sector and got it! I know you'll be pleased for me but we won't get much chance to talk about it as the day you return from the Philippines I fly out there for a month. Can't wait to get stuck into really helping people!"

Then don't answer your phone or email for a day or so and let him stew on how you doing what he does would affect him.

With any luck he will present you with the reasons why you taking this new aid job won't work with family life and you can just agree with him, then explain that's exactly how you feel about him doing it.

It's a way of opening the debate anyway.

They have all sorts of charities in Scotland who tend to have their HQ's in... Scotland. London or MN's laughingly southern version of 'the north' isn't the end of the earth you know!

Edinburgh in particular is an easy travel to York.

Shedwood snort! What a deliciously evil idea! Wilson I love, love LOVE Edinburgh! (Lived there a long time ago, then Glasgow). What charities are based there? Tell me more!

goodmoves is your friend 84 jobs on here for the east of Scotland...

Ooh, Ta Wilson!

Re distribution of grant makers, yes, my understanding is that they are more evenly distributed, albeit still weighted towards London. Obviously, the ones attached to companies tend to be where the companies are, but there must be some in the north of England and definitely some in Edinburgh.

Re CSR, yes, I agree with him that some is very tokenistic, but he may find a company that's really looking to do a bit more than send out an email for "jeans for genes"

OP YANBU. My dad was very much like your DH. I am one of four DCS, DM was expected to carry the torch at home looking after DCs, house, part time cleaning whilst my Dad helped out the local community. He did many wonderful things for people and recieved a lot of public thanks for his work. But they say charity begins at home and the one person he never helped out was his own DW, who developped breast cancer and worked herself into an early grave. Part of me still doesn't forgive him for expecting DM to be the silent supportive wife whilst he was the local hero.

Thanks to all who posted a couple of days back - I thought I would post an update. I had planned to have 'the conversation' after the current crisis (DH is not physically in the Philippines at the moment but is working understandably v long hours co-ordinating others from UK office). But he found me having a quiet sob in the early hours of the morning on the kitchen table and it all came tumbling out.

He has now said he will do equal shares outside of a major emergency, and has made arrangements so that someone else is on call this weekend so he can take DC as I am stil running a fever. I think we still have a lot of talking to do - not least about the anger and mistrust that has built up over the past few years because of aid work repeatedly trumping family commitments, power imbalances and all the rest of it- but I do feel like he cares and that he is listening now. So thanks everyone.

That is soooooo good. Well done for talking. Hopefully this is just the start of feeling able to be open and honest, and him listening.

That's great news op. It's a start and he is willing to listen so it's a good sign.

Thanks! I feel very sad that it has basically taken several years and my health starting to fall apart, rather than making the basic point about fairness to get there. But a start is a start.

Well done, ocelot :)

Glad to hear things are looking up.

Make sure you have that chat when the current crisis has abated.

I think ShedWood's idea is really good actually. You don't need to do it in exactly that form, but it should make some of your points for you.

That's great! But maybe be proud of him for working so hard in this terrible crisis AND be pleased that he is willing to work things out.

Thanks Join. I think part of the problem is that DH thinks in terms of, as well as works in, emergencies. Unless something has totally fallen apart at the seams, and isn't 'urgent' he doesn't give it much head space.

I guess it is why he is so good at what he does, but it also helps to explain what he doesn't tend to prioritize long term, structural stuff which is geared towards what might happen, or is gradually happening slowly - that's my forte. So the fact that he hasn't really engaged fully with this isn't necessarily a reflection of his feelings for me

. To be fair, our DS in particular is a lousy sleeper and having difficult and painful discussions once he is finally asleep isn't somethibg that either of us really feels like - rather than say, crash out ourselves, have a laugh, or watch a bit of telly... But sometimes ya gotta do a bit of marriage-mending work...