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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit fed up with aid worker DH?

123 replies

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 11:12

My DH is a lovely, kind, caring man who has always been very passionate about helping other peoplewhuch is what I fell in love with. But now we have DC I find this means that about two thirds of the house work and child care lands on me because of the pressures of his job - and that's when we aren't in the middle of a massive disaster. I've a long commute, a stressful f/t job at a company that's imploding, and am studying to get another qualification so I can move to a job which is closer, more secure and lower stress. I work from home 2-3 days a week so can get DC at 4pm and then work when they have gone to bed, but I feel like I am cracking up with over work. Aid work is such a big part of who DH is he won't hear of moving somewhere cheaper, nearer my family for help, considering a career change etc so less is riding on mec. I have a history of depression and am worried that I am sliding there again. Aibu for being angry that DH is off saving the world and not making more compromises for my sake? Currently sick at home with sick kid while he sorts the Philippines out which is bringing this all to a head. Sorry for long post!

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Hermione123 · 12/11/2013 13:42

Ocelot, can't see what you are getting for having the bargaining chip of ft. While I see the strain on your marriage of moving north, depression and unhappiness cause strain too. At least go pt, then you can have more long weekends doing visits. A family network or a network of decent friends is worth it's weight in gold, mental health wise. Personally if my oh had been depressed and I worked long hours, I'd move to be nearer their network...

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 13:44

Stinking - another great name! I COMPLETELY agree. DH has done some UK-based and even some unsexy aid work before - his heart wasn't in it, there was little room for career development and it was still in London. Pants. I only know a couple Oop North - the fabbo Rowntree Foundation and the Nat Autistic Soc. If you know of more, pray tell!

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friday16 · 12/11/2013 13:47

most charities have offices in London because they are in and out of Westminster and TV studios

I wonder if the schoolchildren holding events over the next few days to raise money for people left destitute in the Philippines realise that's what they're funding? It's the precise reason I stopped giving money to international aid charities: I'm not at all convinced that once the overheads have been paid they do much of anything.

KateAdiesEarrings · 12/11/2013 13:47

To answer your pt/ft question, I currently work school hours and have a few freelance contracts (not int dev related). It has affected the power balance in my marriage and I think if you're already concerned about that possibility then you should listen to that concern.

I know quite a few people are suggesting your dh makes the move into academia and I'd just say that you both need to think about how much his self-image and confidence are tied up with his career. If he can take the time to work out the parts of his role that he finds most fulfilling then that will help you both to identify what his next step should be eg it may be the travel; it may be the perception that he's working for a greater cause; it may be the intellectual challenge of arranging an emergency response in tight timescales. More stable roles can fulfil all of those needs.

Hermione123 · 12/11/2013 13:48

Ps I do a 4 day week, while I do get bothered on my day off, have training courses that can only be on my day off and people making snide comments/resentful it is made up for by the general feeling of having everything together at home. Less than 4 days I can't comment you can always look for a ft position when you want to gear up for promotion

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 13:49

Hermione that's a good point. I haven't had depression for such a long time (because I got more practiced at spotting warning signs and acting on them before that slippery slope really began) that I don't think DH really considers it could happen again. But what worked for me pre kids (taking duvet days at weekends when needed, making sure I planned in two or three things I really loved every week, regular exercise) just not possible in current set up

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ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 13:49

Hermione that's a good point. I haven't had depression for such a long time (because I got more practiced at spotting warning signs and acting on them before that slippery slope really began) that I don't think DH really considers it could happen again. But what worked for me pre kids (taking duvet days at weekends when needed, making sure I planned in two or three things I really loved every week, regular exercise) just not possible in current set up

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/11/2013 13:49

"But London is nose-bleedingly expensive and even a good aid worker salary doesn't really touch the sides on its own - so we need my salary."

It sounds to me that your entire life - work, study, childcare, housework is about subsiding him to do a job that isn't bringing in enough money.

I get it that there are a lot of bragging rights and a big sense of being importance in working in international aid, but if him being able to feel like do-gooder big shot is putting this much strain on the rest of the family, then it doesn't really seem like a good deal.

The fact that he likes to think of himself as this selfless person helping the world to be a better place doesn't make him more important than you.

There's an awful lot of ego in most aid work, and your husband seems to have at least his fair share of that.

You need to have a conversation about this where "won't hear" isn't a possibility.

Tell him you won't hear of him not hearing. That he HAS TO HEAR what you are saying, because you are his wife and he doesn't get to think of himself as this selfless crusader while he throws his family under a bus to he can enjoy feeling important.

KateAdiesEarrings · 12/11/2013 13:52

As for charities with offices up North: Oxfam; Save the Children, etc have satellite offices across the country. Enable; Mary's Meals have offices in Scotland. If you have a look at charity jobs (sorry I don't have their url to hand) you'll get an idea of the charities across the country.

friday16 · 12/11/2013 13:57

I suspect you can position people's views on aid work on the spectrum from selfless to selfish but their response to this:

www.theguardian.com/environment/2013/nov/09/phil-ball-arctic-30-plight-letter

JohnnyUtah · 12/11/2013 13:57

From experience - going part time may help your sanity, your family life and your marriage - but it will totally knacker your career. I'm not saying I regret it, but you really should go into it with your eyes open, especially if it will mean your DH gets to keep his family unfriendly dream job with no changes at all. At least my DH's job is lucrative.

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 13:58

Friday, are you a troll? I have no influence over where aid agencies based and that's not what this thread is about. I don't want to be frothy, but if you want to discuss that, the most appropriate thing to do would be to open a new thread. Kate and Hermione thanks for sharing your experiences. You both sound lovely - thanks for talking with me on a day when I was feeling pretty stressed out and down

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RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/11/2013 14:12

What's his background? Could he move across the table and work as a grant maker/ in CSR or does he work in a more practical role/ political role?

I work as a funder and whilst it can have stressful weeks you at leadt can predict them ( usually)

hellokittymania · 12/11/2013 14:15

I understand. I do a lot of aid work and it is tiring. Most days I enjoy it, others I don't. I have SN and have chosen to stay single. I have too much on my plate as it is.

Also it surprises me how many people think aid workers don't get paid. Many people get a salary

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 14:16

Johnny that is what I am scared of! I have worked so hard to get where I am and when I am not knackered really REALLY love what I do. Join can I have you in my pocket when I have that conversation please? That's exactly how I feel, like my whole life is revolving around aid work so I just get more and more knackered while he does 'good' work. This wasn't my choice and wasn't what I thought was the deal. I don't want to use emotional blackmail but I have been so depressed in the past (a long, llloooong time ago.before DH knew me) that train tracks were getting inviting. Whatever I do, I can't risk going back there if I can possibly help it (no judgement on anyone reading this thread who are that depressed and can't help it - it is absolutely not your fault and I feel for you. It is hell on earth!)

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ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 14:21

RichMan that's a really great idea! Is there a more even distribution of grant-making bodies? DH was actually approached for a CSR job recently at double the salary (shock) but wouldn't consider it as said the company were well known for being bastards and it was a fig leaf job. Fair enough - I do genuinely love his sense of integrity and that would just about kill me too, if that were the case. Just can't for the life of me find the pixies who are meant to shoulder all the work in the mean time....

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ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 14:21

RichMan that's a really great idea! Is there a more even distribution of grant-making bodies? DH was actually approached for a CSR job recently at double the salary (shock) but wouldn't consider it as said the company were well known for being bastards and it was a fig leaf job. Fair enough - I do genuinely love his sense of integrity and that would just about kill me too, if that were the case. Just can't for the life of me find the pixies who are meant to shoulder all the work in the mean time....

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hellokittymania · 12/11/2013 14:24

Also, OP I have trained as a translator so can hopefully be self employed. I moved back to the UK in September but it looks like I may be going back and forth between Asia and the UK. I have been doing this work for 7 years and know Asia so well now. Moving back to UK was very hard...and I'm on my own.

Hang in there.

Hermione123 · 12/11/2013 14:38

Np, also re pt you can talk to your boss honestly and ask them, it does depend on the industry exactly how much the pt knackers your career and also how high you want to go. Could you look at more flexibility like working extra hours on the days he's on pick up and take Friday afternoons off? You can ping emails out on the train :) also if you have a laptop you can do a few hrs in the pm from home. A good company rewards output not presenteeism. Hang in there, you must be pretty tough to be holding on to all that!

lottiegarbanzo · 12/11/2013 14:47

Having said that someone else will be able and willing to his job (which I think is true because of all the reasons that attracted and have kept him doing it), it is not necessarily the case that someone as motivated, with his depth and breadth of knowledge, or as determined to do a job well, would take a job in another sector or organisation.

My point is that he could actually make more of a difference doing a less obvious or 'glamorous' job really well.

Bear with me, as I may sound like I'm arguing against myself now but I'm not. I've worked in the charitable sector of a different profession for years (in which every large NGO and public body has their main office outside London, incidentally) and one thing I've learnt is how much difference a good person can make, in all sorts of jobs.

When I started out as an idealistic youngster, I thought 'what's the point of doing a job that someone else would do, there's only any value in doing something new, that wouldn't happen otherwise'. Then I saw how differently people operate, how much can be developed and achieved by someone performing a role really well, and how useless and disappointing it is when someone isn't, so how dependent supposedly 'normal progress' is on good people.

That might sound like an argument for him staying in his current job but it isn't. There is a massive difference in the attractiveness of different sectors and roles to different types of people, so there will always be driven, impressive, impassioned people ready to do the high profile, frontline stuff - for some sorts of jobs, often the worst paid, entry-level charity ones, the quality and number of applicants is always incredibly high.

For the public sector, grant-giving body or private sector roles though and for jobs requiring certain types or amounts of experience, the recruitment shoe can sometimes be on the other foot and the same people might not apply (I don't know, maybe they fly high, burn out and go off to grow vegetables on a small-holding in Wales instead).

I'm not saying that there aren't really good people working in private sector organisations etc. I am saying that cross-sectoral experience is often valued and that he might be able to make connections and drive a role forward in a way that someone less steeped in his subject might not. So he could actually achieve a lot and see the real difference he's made, from behind a desk.

Of course there's a risk of clash of cultures, frustration, square pegs in round holes and all, so care needs to be taken and a willigness to adapt working style might be necessary but just, don't dismiss other types of organisation.

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 14:47

Hermione I am an unfeasibly lucky bugger with my immediate boss so that is a conversation I have already had with him. Altho he has no kids himself he is very committed to keeping skilled women in the workplace if that's what they want and practically tied himself into pretzels for me when DC were tiny. He doesn't give a monkeys which hours I do as long as the job gets done. So when DC were 1-2 I left the office at 3 and worked again 8-10pm. I wouldn't be thinking of leaving if the company weren't nosediving, despite hideous commute. His advice was that if I went p/t then I was vulnerable to redundancy as I am senior in my field and therefore comparatively expensive- senior managers above him were apparently making noises about not getting enough 'bang for their buck' from other p/t mums which he thought was bang out of order.

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hellokittymania · 12/11/2013 14:47

Stinking, when I started my work I was barely 23 and very "young". In my case, I was helping myself just as much as I was helping others. It took 3 years for me to learn the language, cross the road with confidence, learn how to write reports, etc, etc. Yes, I had some rough moments but I learned so many life skills too. I am one of the only foreigners with SN in the area, and attitudes are changing little by little. I was on TV and in newspapers, and because I have SN, I get a lot of attention. Sometimes, it gets to be too much.

like the events and offerings in the UK, but.....at this point I'm unsure of what will happen. I would like to do Vietnamese translation but I need more practice.

ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 14:50

Ooh Lottie I would give my eye teeth to know which sector you are talking about!

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ocelot41 · 12/11/2013 14:57

Good on.you hellokitty! I have a disability (not a SN - dont want to say more as don't want to identify myself) and people often v surprised that have achieved so much. I like pissing off the doubters by achieving some more! (wink) Just remember Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but she did it backwards and in high heels (with a but of mobility/audio/visual support - delete as needed)

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Hermione123 · 12/11/2013 15:04

Ah well it's good he was honest at least! Shame about the dinosaurs above him!

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