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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird woman and my Husband wwyd?

39 replies

mamamia19740 · 12/11/2013 10:42

My husband has just started out in a very competitive industry and is still finding his feet.

He met this woman a few weeks ago while at work and she could be quite helpful to him, however i was helping him a couple of weeks ago and so was she, I'd never met her before so was chatting to her about her work and tying to be friendly. She on the other hand was extremely rude ignoring me and dismissing anything I said, she had also forgotten something she needed so i offered her use of mine she didn't even acknowledge my offer just talked over me like i wasn't even there.
I could tell my hb felt a bit uncomfortable but I left it as she will be helpful to him in his work.

Since then my hb has worked with her again (without me present this time) and she has been emailing him and telling him how happy she is they can work together and how amazing his work is and stuff like that, she's also been calling him hun and signing off mails and text with kisses.

He came back from a job with her the other day and said she wants to meet him for a drink so they could discuss future working plans etc.

I trust my husband 100% but am feeling very uncomfortable with this womans motives, especially after the way she was with me.
I have mentioned this to my hb but he says shes like it with everybody (apart from him it seems) and IABVU.
Am I? or am i right to feel a bit unnerved by her.

Thank you if you got this far and sorry its very long but I just wanted to get the whole thing ascross

OP posts:

AnnieJanuary · 12/11/2013 10:46

Yeah, no. Signing emails with kisses and asking him out for drinks isn't 'work'.

OrangePixie · 12/11/2013 10:46

I can see why it's making you uncomfortable but what can you do? You'll have to trust your husband to handle it.

slickrick · 12/11/2013 10:46

He is a big boy tell him to send an email asking the woman to keep it professional.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/11/2013 10:48

Well I would certainly have pulled her up there and then when she was being rude to you!
I also call people hun (yes yes, I know MN!!) and always sign off emails and texts with kisses.
I'm 'famous' for it, if you see what I mean.
I don't know what to suggest here other than ensure your H keeps you updated on all things 'her' and also keeps everything transparent so you can see emails and texts etc...
If he gets secretive about those things, then start worrying.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/11/2013 10:48

I was in your DH's position a long time ago. A work acquaintance of mine and my (now Ex) H behaved just like this weird woman, right down to blatantly ignoring my Ex when we were all together.

As long as your DH is trustworthy you have nothing to fear. The best thing to do is laugh and ignore.

DameDeepRedBetty · 12/11/2013 10:49

Let's get this straight, is she his manager or just a co-worker?

And whether she's senior or not, your H would be well advised to politely decline all social meetings, even if presented as work related, with her.

Famzilla · 12/11/2013 10:49

She sounds like one of those women that "doesn't get along with other women". You know the sort, sweetness and light to men but an utter bitch to anyone who dare possess a fanjo.

Ignore. If you truly trust your husband, then there is no point being drawn in to these games.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 12/11/2013 10:55

She fancies him.

She dismissed you as an irritation, getting in the way of her flirting with your DH.

As long as you trust him 100%, I would just alert him to the fact that it seems likely that this woman will contrive to get closer to him and may try it on. Men are often very un-perceptive in these situations, and sometimes need a gentle eye opening!

For example - My DP is a tradesman - he has a client, a divorced, wealthy woman, who regularly answers the door to his pre-arranged visits in her nightdress. He said he was there the other day and she had several workmen working around her in the bedroom, and she was laid in bed in her nightclothes while they worked - I told him she clearly fancies him or sees herself as this seductress with all her 'workmen' around her.... it had never occurred to him, he just said he thought she was weird. I've encouraged him to let her flirt with him, if it makes her spend money with him

Once your DH forewarned, he can deal with her as he pleases. Don't get jealous or possessive, just laugh at the silly old bat thinking she can 'Hun' her way into your DH's affections. Hopefully you can laugh about it together.

Original poster

mamamia19740 · 12/11/2013 11:22

No Dame she is the same level as him.
I suppose he's just exited that he's found someone that can help him progress and completely oblivious to anything else.

He did offer to take me with him for this drink.
And yes as far as i'm aware everything on his side is completely transparent.

I will laugh it off and hope she doesn't turn into Alex Forrest

Thank you everyone,

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2013 11:24

I also call people hun (yes yes, I know MN!!) and always sign off emails and texts with kisses. I'm 'famous' for it, if you see what I mean.

That doesn't seem to fit with her personality though, does it?

If she's ever rude to you again, your DH should pull her up on it and he needs to keep a professional distance from her.

Even if he is totally trustworthy and not interested she still has the potential to cause trouble.

maras2 · 12/11/2013 11:32

So he asked you to go out fo that drink too? Please tell me he's not going.That is inappropriate and unnecessary.As for the 'huns' and kisses,well, that's just unprofessional.She wants your man.

LadyVetinari · 12/11/2013 11:33

How closely do they work together? If he allows the ambiguity to persist in her mind for the benefit of his career, there will eventually come a point where he has to choose between rebuffing her and being unfaithful to you, and she will make life difficult for him in any way she can if he chooses the former.

Is short-term gain worth risking that kind of long-term damage? And if so, what is his "exit strategy" for restoring professional distance without generating animosity, once he feels that she has helped him as much as she's going to without getting anything back?

Original poster

mamamia19740 · 12/11/2013 11:33

Nanny,that's what I thought.
I don't want to him feel he can't work with her (she is good at what she does) because of me, but I also want to feel OK about him having any sort of relationship with her.

OP posts:

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 12/11/2013 11:43

I would go on the night out. Look fabulous, be friendly with her. Let her make herself look a twat by being petty with you if she chooses.

BUT don't let it become a bone of contention between you and your DH. You don't want it to end up with you arguing that she was nasty to you and your DH didn't see it.

It might blow over - she might be testing the water with him, and once she realizes she can't have him she'll move on to someone else. But keep an eye on her.

GreenGiant3 · 12/11/2013 11:45

Definitely go along for the drinks too!! I wouldn't let her think that she can be so rude to you, show her you are a united front, I hate these types of women.

LadyVetinari · 12/11/2013 11:48

I agree with DoYou and GreenGiant - definitely go along, but don't bitch about her afterwards unless DH starts it.

Original poster

mamamia19740 · 12/11/2013 11:53

So he asked you to go out for that drink too? Please tell me he's not going.

Yeah, I declined. I didn't want to come across as somebody desperately clinging on to her man, I don't want her to think there may be problems in our relationship and to use it as a way in. If indeed that is what she intends.
He's not confirmed anything with her yet.

How closely do they work together? If he allows the ambiguity to persist in her mind for the benefit of his career, there will eventually come a point where he has to choose between rebuffing her and being unfaithful to you, and she will make life difficult for him in any way she can if he chooses the former.

They do have to work closely and I agree that she could make things difficult although he has said he intends to let her know it will be a strictly professional relationship.
There are lots of other people that can do what she does I just wish he didn't like her work so much.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 12/11/2013 11:57

Not sure I get what sort of job your dh does, that makes him so dependent on help to progress. You say both you and her have been helping him.

Surely she likes him a lot to keep helping him? At what point is he taking advantage of her good nature and possible infatuation? Is this cool?

Original poster

mamamia19740 · 12/11/2013 11:59

Haha I didn't think of that, although it could backfire and she could turn up looking like Gisele.

OP posts:

LadyVetinari · 12/11/2013 12:02

"They do have to work closely and I agree that she could make things difficult although he has said he intends to let her know it will be a strictly professional relationship."

How and when does he intend to do that without either leaving things slightly ambiguous (in which case she will willfully misinterpret him), or making her feel embarrassed, insulted, and vindictive? She's already behaving inappropriately despite knowing that he's married, so I very much doubt that subtlety will do the trick.

"There are lots of other people that can do what she does I just wish he didn't like her work so much."

If he has other contacts with the same knowledge, this is a no-brainer. Does he like her work more than he respects your feelings?!

Original poster

mamamia19740 · 12/11/2013 12:07

Not sure I get what sort of job your dh does, that makes him so dependent on help to progress. You say both you and her have been helping him.

He works in the media industry, and it also benefits her career to work with him. I only helped out the once.

As for taking advantage like I said its mutually beneficial.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 12/11/2013 12:14

How can she (or why would she) help him progress if they're the same level? And if they're not actually work partners what "future work plans" do they need to discuss over drinks?

WorraLiberty · 12/11/2013 12:17

I honestly did get the impression that she fancies him from your OP.

My first thought was that perhaps you irritated her because you were both helping your DH, and perhaps she sees it as her profession?

Not that it excuses her rudeness at all, but are you qualified to help/work there?

WorraLiberty · 12/11/2013 12:17

Sorry I mean I didn't get the impression

QuintessentialShadows · 12/11/2013 12:19

I dont see how it is mutually beneficial for this woman to help your husband in his new career, if she is so good at it, and they are on the same level.

I can see the benefits to him, but not her. So what are her motives?

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