To already be TERRIFIED about dd starting high school, even though she's only 5, because of the horrid bullying that takes place in those places?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

It's the bullying. The horrible nature that so many teens have these days. the need to pick on people who are a bit 'different' or who don't comply with what's considered 'cool'.

My friend's son has just started his first year of high school in August. He's 12yo and 6ft. He is i suppose 'quirky'. But not a spiteful bone in his body. He used to do kickboxing for two years, (my friend wanted him to learn some self defense after being horribly bullied at primary school) but gave it up before starting high school.

He loves high school. He has enrolled in several lunchtime clubs such as chess, computer and quiz club. And he's signed up for gym club once a week after school. He loves having different classes/subjects every day, and loves learning new things.

However, since his first week he's had names hurled at him while walking through the corridors. Such as 'giant', 'freak', 'gay', 'geek' and other much cruder things.

He's taken this on the chin. But after a few weeks, it started getting violent. people throwing bits of food at him in the canteen. People tripping him up in the corridors. Then it started getting really violent when walking home from school. Children would arrange 'fights' with him then call him a 'pussy' for not turning up at the designated time/place.

So then the fights started taking place at intervals/lunchtimes/walking to classes.

He never initiates the fights, as teachers point out to my friend, but he does defend himself.

Last week, someone (a boy who used to bully him at primary) ran up to him and smacked him across the head with a full can of juice. Friend's son grabbed the boy as he was running away, lifted him up, then threw him back onto the ground. He hurt his head of the wall, but no serious damage.

Friend's son was giving a detention that day during which he had to write 'I must not fight', and state what he has learned from his actions and why he must not do it again.

My friend is livid of course. The bully got the same punishment. She feels that her son was just defending himself. What else was he supposed to do? She has warned the teachers that she knows her son is an easy target and bullying might be an issue. She has told them that she does not agree to any more detentions until she's spoken to the HT about this.

She has been given an appointment for 2 weeks time.

This town only has two high school. there used to be 6, but they've all been knocked down and merged into 2 recently. And both are as bad as each other to be honest. Neither of them handle bullying well. And friend can't move out of the area for another school. And the next nearest one is much too far (1hr 45 minutes to get there). So she's basically got to put up with this for the next 5-6 years.

Her son assures her that he's fine. And that it doesn't bother him. And that he isn't scared etc.

This bullying issue is one that occurs in almost every high school. I'm absolutely terrified for my dd already. In 5 years time, it'll be her turn to go to one of these horrible schools. Even if i've moved out of the area by then, it'll likely just be the same regardless of what school she attends. High school is bloody awful. Really bloody awful.

Why the hell do bullies bully in the first place? Why is it still seen as such a non-issue? Why can't parents teach their children to be civil to their peers? Why can't school staff nip things in the bud before they escalate?

i really am terrified.

Mumsyblouse It's not just comps/academies that can have a problem ... Newsflash! The middle classes can be nasty too!

My mate is in the process of moving her son from our massively expensive and hugely high achieving local private school because of the kicking he's getting and the school's utter failure to do anything about it.

He grabbed the boy as he was running away?

Not a good argument for self-defence imo.

Yes schools are rough and cruel and it needs to be dealt with properly rather than stifled with meaningless punishments. The causes of bullying need to be looked at in order to break the cycle.

It was never as bad as that when I grew up, in a rough inner London school. There were incidents, yes, but not the relentless psychological tormenting and exclusion that yoy get nowadays.

passedgo, total opposite to our experience. the bullying at dhs school in the 70s was truly awful and some of it perpetrated by the teachers. boys were 'expected' to fight and teachers hit the children regularly.

much much better now.

"It was never as bad as that when I grew up, in a rough inner London school. There were incidents, yes, but not the relentless psychological tormenting and exclusion that yoy get nowadays."

Really? Have you read any school stories?

You really think human nature has transformed over a generation? It seems unlikely!

Agree with curlew - my mother used to tell me the most hair-raising stories about her schooldays in one of the roughest areas in London. Bullies don't change that much through the ages, only attitudes towards their behaviour do.

OP, YANBU to be worried. I'm worried about this too, and my DS is only 3! Terrible personal experience tends to make you a tad paranoid about this sort of thing, though.

Schools still aren't 100% on the ball with bullying everywhere (tbh I don't think they can be with all the other stuff being foisted off onto them) but it is improving. And there's years between now and your DD going to school for it to improve further

High School is pretty universal in Scotland secretscwirrels.

OP: it is terrifying! However, your DD might have to deal with bullies at some point during her life (even as an adult).
The best thing you can do for her, starting now, is to work on her assertiveness, self confidence, inner strength, to prepare her for what may come. I am "trying" to do that with my 6 year old. (admittedly easier said than done, but working on it).

I fear the same thing...mine is in primary school and you have just described exactly my child and his experience so far...I'm extremely worried about High School.

I don't think schools in our area have robust anti-bullying policies. They rely on the general decentness of most pupils and then crumble in the face of the hard-core. There are different rules for the different groups. Even in primary the methods (point out your older bullies as you stand at the front of their classroom) seem ill-advised.

Op you know your area, explore your options.

Then they are failing in their statutory duty. They have to have a robust anti bullying policy which you can see on request.

Oh they will have the piece of paper.

I am also struggling with the idea of sending my DCs off to secondary school - I find the idea of them being bullied terrifying.

In my head, I know that a lot of people go through school without being bullied, that they make great friends while they are there, that the schools support children who are targeted.

But in my heart, I am scared my children will be bullied like I was.

I have to try and hide what is in my heart from my children. I have to put on my logical head and do the practical things that I can to help them become resilient, confident young people. But it doesn't stop me being scared.

What I don't understand is why so many people seem to think that schools want children to be unhappy.

Why would you assume that teachers are any different for the vast majority of people who want children to be happy and confident and achieving?

My dd is in 2nd year of High School (All Edinburgh secondary schools tend to be High Schools). She's not particularly fond of a lot of people in her year group and has a small trusted group of friends which I think is better than the hundreds of friends that others claim to have.

Bullying has been an issue but as soon as parents have informed the school wheels have been in motion to stop it and help counsel all those involved.

The Bullies tend to be girls who aren't pleasant but they don't have pleasant homes but under the guidance of good pastoral staff, seem to be changing things.

The school my daughter attends, when she was in nursery, wasn't a consideration for us at first. But a new head with dynamic staff has turned the school and the reputation around.

You'll feel differently when you go to visit schools in P7 open nights. You'll see the schools in a different light.

I don't think that schools want children to be unhappy. I think a lot of teachers are genuinely caring.
But my personal experience of school (as an organisation) is that it is indifferent to the emotional well-being of students unless that impacts on either academic achievement (ie. a student was going to start failing exams) or behaviour (ie. impacting teachers through misbehaviour). Outside those two areas of concern - well, the students were left to get on with it.

I try not to let this colour my DCs experience of school - but that is a concious effort.

op yanbu tbh

it worries me to death and my 2 are only 4 and 7. its the oldest one i worry about the most as he is already "quirky" and he is quiet and shy. he is a lovely, sweet, kind boy but generally those qualities are not what make children popular. he has already had incidents where he has been hit and bullied :( and the teachers did fuck all ....ds is a lot like me at that age and secondary school was hell for me and it still affects me now in some ways. and i went in the 90's so not even that long ago.

my 4 yo i am not so worried about as she is already miss popular and so outgoing and confident

all we can do i think is try and instill confidence and high self esteem in our dcs and hope thats enough to get them through

I've got a rather quirky, arty, individual dd1 in s2 (y8). To begin with she hung out with her 3 friends, was quiet and shy.

Something has happened - all of a sudden the "popular girls" as she calls them are copying her style, have got into geek stuff, Dr Who, more alternative music etc.

She's gone from being pretty much invisible at primary, to awkward and geeky in S1 and now a trendsetter in S2.

High school isn't terrifying - it suits her very well.

I can sympathise, my little sister is being bullied atm, shes been called a bitch daily by 2 former friends and they arent even given isolation or detention because they dont consider it bullying. My sister is self harming because shes completely on her own now.

thats disgraceful lucius :( your poor sister, has her mum/dad been into the school, of course it is bullying, how can they say its not?? nasty, vile girls.

and thats brill weegiemum am glad your DD has found her niche while still being herself.

See I, my older sister and both parents have been to the school, funny thing is was talking to a woman who works at the local shop whos son go to the same school, she said they are rubbish dealing with her sons being bullied.

I was bullied at the same school 15 years ago, so i know how it hurts.

My DD1 is in Yr8 - she's definitely quirky, very academic, doesn't wear makeup, doesn't like boy bands, does her own thing. She loves school and one of the best things about it according ot her is that she can go to her form tutor if there are problems and they get sorted.

Contrast this with the way she was in Yr4 in a naice C of E Primary - she was one of only 2 very academic children, and she was relentlessly picked on. The school did not handle it well - fortunately they have since pulled their socks up.

Don't be afraid of something that might never happen.

I was very like how pointyfangs describes her daughter, and my school experience was similar too. Primary was difficult and I stood out a mile... secondary much easier and happier.

My dd1 (and actually ds and especially dd2) I can't see being anything but themselves. But I have especially stubborn children!

I think there are two things that strike me

1. I can't imagine my 6 year old in any form of secondary school but I can now imagine my 10 year old in one. You are imagining your DD as she is now but she will be different by the time she reaches secondary school age.

1. Perhaps because your DD has HFA you understandably tend to worry more about how they will cope in large confusing social situations and it they will be targeted for being "different". I have no direct experience of this but I can understand why you might worry. However, I know there are parents on here who have children with HFA who manage perfectly well in secondary school.