To already be TERRIFIED about dd starting high school, even though she's only 5, because of the horrid bullying that takes place in those places?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

It's the bullying. The horrible nature that so many teens have these days. the need to pick on people who are a bit 'different' or who don't comply with what's considered 'cool'.

My friend's son has just started his first year of high school in August. He's 12yo and 6ft. He is i suppose 'quirky'. But not a spiteful bone in his body. He used to do kickboxing for two years, (my friend wanted him to learn some self defense after being horribly bullied at primary school) but gave it up before starting high school.

He loves high school. He has enrolled in several lunchtime clubs such as chess, computer and quiz club. And he's signed up for gym club once a week after school. He loves having different classes/subjects every day, and loves learning new things.

However, since his first week he's had names hurled at him while walking through the corridors. Such as 'giant', 'freak', 'gay', 'geek' and other much cruder things.

He's taken this on the chin. But after a few weeks, it started getting violent. people throwing bits of food at him in the canteen. People tripping him up in the corridors. Then it started getting really violent when walking home from school. Children would arrange 'fights' with him then call him a 'pussy' for not turning up at the designated time/place.

So then the fights started taking place at intervals/lunchtimes/walking to classes.

He never initiates the fights, as teachers point out to my friend, but he does defend himself.

Last week, someone (a boy who used to bully him at primary) ran up to him and smacked him across the head with a full can of juice. Friend's son grabbed the boy as he was running away, lifted him up, then threw him back onto the ground. He hurt his head of the wall, but no serious damage.

Friend's son was giving a detention that day during which he had to write 'I must not fight', and state what he has learned from his actions and why he must not do it again.

My friend is livid of course. The bully got the same punishment. She feels that her son was just defending himself. What else was he supposed to do? She has warned the teachers that she knows her son is an easy target and bullying might be an issue. She has told them that she does not agree to any more detentions until she's spoken to the HT about this.

She has been given an appointment for 2 weeks time.

This town only has two high school. there used to be 6, but they've all been knocked down and merged into 2 recently. And both are as bad as each other to be honest. Neither of them handle bullying well. And friend can't move out of the area for another school. And the next nearest one is much too far (1hr 45 minutes to get there). So she's basically got to put up with this for the next 5-6 years.

Her son assures her that he's fine. And that it doesn't bother him. And that he isn't scared etc.

This bullying issue is one that occurs in almost every high school. I'm absolutely terrified for my dd already. In 5 years time, it'll be her turn to go to one of these horrible schools. Even if i've moved out of the area by then, it'll likely just be the same regardless of what school she attends. High school is bloody awful. Really bloody awful.

Why the hell do bullies bully in the first place? Why is it still seen as such a non-issue? Why can't parents teach their children to be civil to their peers? Why can't school staff nip things in the bud before they escalate?

i really am terrified.

I agree, your anxiety about horrible high schools and teens needs to be addressed.

You don't want to pass your fears on to your DD.

Bullying occurs throughout society in many ways. Where ever there are people, there will be bullying behaviour to some degree. Children bully because they mimic what they experience or are trying to establish their place in their mini society.

I'm not condoning it, but it's not something that will ever be eradicated. However most schools put a lot of work into anti-bullying. I had more issues in primary school than secondary. By secondary, I'd learned that I quite liked myself, and didn't care about what x and y thought of me.

There's no point in being terrified of something that may or may not happen so far in the future. The best defence against bullying is having good self esteem.

I'm a bit like you I think OP. Dd is Y5 and I worry constantly about the same thing because i think my dd is more likely to be bullied than the average child. What did help is when I looked around secondary schools and met some fab teenagers in all of them. Also I don't know if it would help to think of it like this, but my plan is that if my dd does have a problem, I will do my best to resolve it with the school, but if we are not getting anywhere then i will apply to move her elsewhere. I think it helps to have a plan B. As for needing help, I think I probably do too as i'm a bit obsessed like you.

PS. What is happening to your friend's son is really awful. Could the mum move him?

I think seven years ahead of senior school is a bit soon to be worrying so much.

My DD went through seven years at senior school never encountering a bully. Not that the school didn't have bullying, but my daughter had a wonderful group of friends and luckily is not the kind to be bullied. Agree self esteem is very important.

I loved senior school and was never bullied.

OP, this will be a self fulfilling prophecy if you don't change your outlook!

I dont think bullying is any different now then when I was at secondary school 20 years ago, I do think schools take it more seriously now though.

The secondary school I work in takes bullying very seriously as do DS2's secondary school. We had a meeting with them last week over some things that have happened. They have been great.

I think it is less of a worry if you know you have a child who is confident, popular and not the kind to be bullied, but some kids like the OP's and mine aren't like that through no fault of anyone's.

It's a bit weird to be worrying about high school for a five year old. Be carefull you don't project onto her or she will Also be fearful.
Ds2 was bullied in juniors and high school as he had an overbite and cerebral palsy, the school stopped it.
Ds3 was a pretty well known ballet dancer (always In local papers) that's pretty quirky but he was never bullied.
Dd1 has just started high school and really loves it.
She noted today how the entire school respected the 2 minute silence without exception. That's 800 really nice teenagers in my opinion.

Oh dear, I do feel your pain OP

I was an absolute wreck when DS1 went up to secondary school - I'd hated most of my time there and was really worried about how he would cope - He's 6' with miles of hair and has never been remotely interested in fitting in with the crowd ...

I couldn't have been more wrong. He's three years in and he's still loving it. Lots of friends and bags of confidence right from day one. So don't get all worked up about something that may well never actually happen - sufficient unto the day and all that!

Just to emphasise what someone said about being clever further up the thread: my son is in the top sets and the ringleader bully and hangers on were in the top sets too. This was a good school. He decided to leave and now goes to another good school where he is happy and has friends. This new school is the same school where my friend's daughter was bullied and had a miserable time. Children can be bullied at any school.

Maybe go and talk through your anxieties with your gp if you feel they are getting out of control. Your dd will be moving to high school with her current peer group. If you are currently looking around and noticing that everyone else in her peer group is likely to develop into thugs and monsters, and that she already has no friends as she is dangerously odd, then sure, start fretting. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure she'll continue to have a few friends who move up with her, stay friends, hang out, and all the other kids will do the same.

If you believe her current peer group are lovely, but that suddenly children hit 12 and turn into bullies, how do you know that dd won't be the one slamming heads against walls?

My 13, almost 12 and 10yo are, um, quirky. No issues thus far (and two have sn). All three are gifted. We had worse issues at nursery with toddlers biting and scratching than we have had at any other point.

Your fears are going to make both your own life, and dd's life, much harder than it needs to be. Sure, plan to move or whatever, but a school changes a lot in 6 or 7 years, and that nice place you believe only let's angels in might be the one everyone is tutting over at that point.

Way too soon to start fussing, honestly.

There are many more nice teens than there are a few bullies. It's really awful that you are helping to build such a terrible stereotype just because kids get older. Yours will too. Stop demonising them, and get some perspective.

OP please don't be terrified.

I teach in a secondary school and it's not bloody awful at all. It's a place where children become young adults and develop and grow. Sure, some of them find that a struggle and some behaviour is certainly challenging, but I don't recognise my school in your post.

Thank goodness.

I am sorry for your friend and his son and it's awful that this bullying is going on. It needs to be dealt with. I hope that happens soon.

The best defence against bullying is having good self esteem

Not in my experience. I have seen popular, happy confident girls become the target of bullying. Also I'm not sure how self esteem defends against physical bullying, or does the victim just pick himself up and not let the black eye bother him? Is that what you mean?

These children who aren't the type to be bullied the only example I can think of is someone who went through secondary school being sweet and cute and adapting herself to appease everyone else. I don't think that's so healthy either.

All schools are not like that.

My DD1's school is the only high school for 9 miles (rural area) and therefore a true comprehensive - you either go there or privately (no transport to any other schools). There is no selection by exam or by middle class parents choosing different high schools. On paper therefore you would expect there to be a huge bullying problem, and there isn't. DD1 and her friends are top set and by their own admission, a bit geeky. They work hard, do lots of after school activities, and are not at all interested in 'standard' teen stuff (e.g. not one of them has a FB account which seems to be unusual in itself.) They are all happy, no bullying, no issues at all. Any problems that do occur are sorted out quickly and effectively. I have no hesitation in sending DD2 (shaping up to be a maths geek, bless her, and with a very minor but visible disability) there.

Also, you only need a new head teacher or sometimes not even that (new DHT, new behaviour manager) and the entire ethos of a school can change.

I doubt dd (severe anxiety, intellectual interests) would have got through her early teens at all if it had not been for the support of her lovely secondary school and the teens in it.

The move to secondary saw ds transformed from an almost selectively mute child, with no self esteem whatsoever, to a socially confident, bubbly boy. Again, it's the support of the other children (now more mature) that has made the difference.

I was the original shy geek. I was bullied at primary school, far less at secondary and not at all in Sixth Form. In fact, my main surprise moving up to secondary was how comparatively civilised older children were. And how teachers were far, far stricter if anyone did try anything on. Far less of that "oh but little Johnnie is such a charmingly lively child".

DS1 (shy, sensitive, worrier) experienced low level bullying when he started High School. So we moved him to another one.
There are always options......

I don't think it is reasonable to be terrified at aged 5, but it is not unreasonable to worry about the ethos and bullying at some comp/academy schools. My best friend was horrendously bullied at our comp, and I can't say I enjoyed it that much, spent a lot of time avoiding being bullied if that makes sense. I don't want my children to go somewhere where getting on with your work and doing well academically makes you a target, as it was in my school and continues to be in many, and for that reason would avoid sending to the local comp/academy if I have a choice, given what I've heard about them.

However, I am not naive enough to think bulling can't break out anywhere- even in the 'nicest' schools, if a group of children start picking on one, this can happen anywhere- look at the people on here moaning about NCT groups who get a bit nasty! For this reason, I would assume your dd is going to have to mix in with others who may not always be very kind, and to learn skills (I know hard as she has additional needs) to cope with this- alongside picking schools with a very strong anti-bullying policy who can support her.

Are you in the UK OP? It's just the use of the term "High School" is unusual?
I think I agree with the majority view on here that most schools are not like the extreme examples you may see on TV and take pastoral care very seriously.
At my DC school they invest a huge amount in peer mentoring, anti- bullying including cyber bullying. Look at this for an idea of the positive things that go on in secondary schools.

No, YANBU. DS is Y4 so we need to look at schools soon for him. He is having support at school for some mild behavioural issues. SENCO is advising us on which schools to look at and which to avoid due to "lack of pastoral care". Interestingly it is the highly rated very academic schools that have the bullying reputation near us. It seems to be either a good school academically or a good school behaviourally. And we live in a nice area with no failing schools. I want him to go to a school where he is comfortable and supported.

god in my exierience things are far far better now than when me and dh were at secondary school in the late 70s/80s.

my older lad had a bit of crap but as taught he decked the main bully and job done.

other 3 have been absolutely fine.

I think most teens are just like most other humans, generally nice.

I was chatting to DH last night about how much secondary school has improved since we were there in the early 80s.

DD is in year 8 and I overheard her chatting to a friend about a boy in her class who never gets involved in the footie or rough and tumble in the playground, he likes to be immaculate, not a hair out of place and whilst most of the other boys are tearing round the field at break he sits in the classroom applying his hand cream and lip salve .

I butted into the conversation at this point and asked if he had a hard time with the other lads, suspecting he would be badly bullied or mocked. DD and her friend seemed surprised I would even think that, they said everyone accepts him for who he is, if he turns out to be gay so what etc etc.

I just thought that was brilliant and it highlighted how things have thankfully changed as he'd have had the shit kicked out of him at my old school .

secret, we live in Worcester and all our secondary schools are called 'high school'.

all are mixed huge comps and take bullying extremely seriously.

Sandy, us totally agree. there are a few girls and lads 'out' at my kids schools and they are popular.

I shudder to think how the absolute crap would have been kicked out of them at my dhs all boys 70s grammar and my naice all girls grammar.

much nicer now.

YY 'High School' is the norm in Worcestershire. We even have Middle School round here so High School doesn't start until Year 8 or sometimes Year 9.