To think my "d" h is a horrible twat?

[Pinupgirl]

Far too much background to go into but dh and I are having a seriously bad patch. I actually really dislike him at the moment.

Anyway we go to the inlaws on a sunday for dinner.We get ready to leave to go to inlaws and our street is like an ice rink-literally. You cannot get to the car park without going down 2 flights of stairs which are treacherous at the best of times.

Dh marches on ahead despite me asking him to hold toddlers hand. So toddler I and I try to get down the stairs slipping and sliding everywhere. An elderly gentlemen coming along the street very kindly stops and asks if we did his help. I decline politely and point out that my dh is sat in the car watching us,to which the old man replies-"you should ditch him my love"

And you know what I just thought he is so right!!! I mean would your dh sit there and watch you struggle? Is that normal?

I managed to get toddler to the car and told dh I was no longer going to his parents as I couldn't trust myself not to lose it in front of them.

I am now sat here in tears and don't really know why

[Anniegetyourgun]

You do realise that the man in the street didn't help you because he's elderly and therefore old-fashioned, but because he is a normal human being? Even if you don't love someone, even if you don't know them at all, there are certain standards of human decency which a perfect stranger offered you when your own husband did not. How about making a list of all the ways in which this relationship enhances your life? I can guess it will be short...

[Sativa]

I think it brings it home to you when a complete stranger is kinder to you than the person who is supposed to love you most in the world.

It sounds like he's punishing you for something or resents you in some way.

Is he like this to other people ?

[Aquariusgirl86]

He sounds mean :-( my dh gets upset with me if I tell him how I've struggled doing something (2 toddlers, no car going out can be a bit epic) but he was at work and couldn't help as he feels guilty, no one should just watch you struggle, if strangers are offering to help and he doesn't well that's awful! The old man sounds wise

[HandMini]

Do you like him? Is he "likeable"? (Obviously doesn't sound it from the example you gave). But if you're considering ending this relationship, what will actually disappear from your life if he goes?

[Pinupgirl]

Thanks for the replies-I think I will start a thread in relationships too. I appreciate people taking the time to listen and post.

[Pinupgirl]

Yes I think that is what made me so upset-that a stranger,well a neighbout really I know him vaguely to nod hello too-offered to help me while my dh just sat there.

I am afraid I did shout at dh that he could "stay at his fucking mother's"-which is bad and will make me look bad to the dcs.

[dreamingbohemian]

It's scary because it's the big unknown. It must feel like stepping into the abyss.

But what if we told you that you didn't have to jump into the abyss you can build a bridge over it, one step at a time, with lots of advice and support from us on here, from RL people, from a solicitor, counselors, etc.

Nobody ever leaves a marriage thinking it will be easy. It's always hard. But people do manage. You just have to put one foot in front of the other.

Can you narrow down some of the specific things you're afraid of? What terrifies you the most? It helps to write it down and hopefully we can all give you some advice and support to help deal with that fear.

[nickelbabe]

I read your flu thread.

sorry, but your h is abusive and really doesn't love you.

and your being sick today shows that you know it now too.

[Pinupgirl]

No he is not likeable I don't think-my friends don't like him. He makes no effort to try and get to know them or even to be polite tbh.

I am afraid of having no where to live with the dcs-house is in his name and he pays ALL the bills. The only money I have in my name is the cb. He would not leave the house if I asked him too and would probably be very difficult with regards to maintenance too.

I just can't imagine starting again afresh after 20 years

[daisychain01]

Hi Pinup, so is this behaviour of his the straw that broke the camel's back i.e. It is just another example of ongoing inconsideration?

Whether it is "normal" or not is probably less relevant than whether it has been ongoing throughout your relationship or if he has gradually deteriorated over time.

Either way, its time for an honest conversation and telling him how bad you feel watching him sitting in the car while you have to struggle on your own.

[notagiraffe]

Wow. Normally I think it's worth giving a marriage every last drop of your energy, but he sounds scarily cold. I'd walk away from that level of disengagement unless he can admit to how he's behaving, that it is abusive and make changes.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Instead of thinking how scary it would be to start again after 20 years, flip it on its head. Imagine how scary it is to contemplate living the next 20 years in this misery.

You know what you have to do

[gaggiagirl]

pinup I love your s&b threads. You are far too good to be treated like this but I know how hard it is to get out. He will only get worse I'm afraid.

[Pinupgirl]

Thanks gaggia-that means a lot.

I have so many people say the same thing over the years-that I am too good or nice for him so why don't I believe it myself?

Still feeling sick so taking deep breaths as don't want an anxiety attack.

[SanityClause]

You need to get legal advice about the house. If a couple is married, often the fact that an asset is in only one name is irrelevant.

Get information about how you could have sufficient finances to leave. If you have this information, it will mean you are negotiating from a position of strength when you discuss your marriage with your husband.

Whether the relationship is salvageable will depend on both you and your H, but knowing you have an option other than staying will mean your H will have to choose to change, if he really wants you to stay. (Not that I'm suggesting you do one or the other, that's for you to decide.)

[ninah]

my ex made me carry my own hospital bag in to the labour ward after my waters had broken, it was icy then too
I've survived quite nicely without him!

[ImperialBlether]

Pinup, do you remember when you were young, pre-husband, and you'd go on holiday? You'd take your shoes off and walk barefoot on the sand for the first time in ages. Do you remember? And the holiday seemed to lie before you, exciting and relaxing at the same time. Remember the sand under your feet and the feeling of freedom you had then?

If you dump this man, that's how you will feel. I promise you.

Shutting the door behind him will, on its own, make you relax. Knowing he's not coming home will be fantastic. You manage on your own anyway, so that won't be difficult. Your friends don't like him - who would like him? He's horrible! He's selfish and doesn't care about anyone else. What is there to like?

Your children will be so much happier without him there. They can feel the atmosphere now. They will be so relaxed without him.

See a solicitor tomorrow and ask for some advice.

Take a leap of faith.

[YouTheCat]

It doesn't matter if the house is in his name - you would get half the proceeds of a sale. He would have to pay a heft chunk of maintenance and you'd also get tax credits to top you up. You'd even get help with childcare if you want to go back to work.

After all the initial kerfuffle - you'd be better off financially and emotionally,

OP, seek advice from Women's Aid - you don't have to be being physically bashed to get help and they have a vast bank of knowledge on your rights. They won't pressure you to do anything but it will help if you have some knowledge.

[dreamingbohemian]

Okay that's a very logical and tangible fear. But you can get some good advice and find out whether it will really be as bad as you think.

First step, see a solicitor. You are married, you have young children, they will be the priority. You may be able to legally force him to leave the house. It's not just about what he wants when there are young children involved.

You can get a free half-hour consultation with solicitors.

Also, go on entitledto and find out what benefits you can get.

Contact your local Women's Aid and see what resources are available locally.

Just focus on that for now. You don't have to figure out everything at once or take any big leaps. But get the information you need, and then take it from there.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Well, yes he is

Like the last time you posted about him

While you keep tolerating it though, nothing will change

Get some professional advice and take it from there. Have you sought any ?

[JRmumma]

Sounds like you know its over, you just need the courage to make the break. Do it pinup, u haven't read any of your other stuff about him but financially abusive is a good enough description to show you will be better off on your own. He will have to support you, no matter how difficult you think he might be. Maybe seek some financial/legal advice first if that's the reason you stay with him.

[redmayneslips]

Pinupgirl, I always read your S&B threads too and am always in awe of how polished and put-together you sound. I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds dreadful and very upsetting for you. I think today seems like the straw that broke the camel's back for you and once that realisation dawns there is no going back, but it IS a scary prospect. However, you are strong and capable and you will be able to make a fabulous, stylish life for yourself and dc once your energy isn't being sapped walking on egg shells around your husband. He will not know what's hit him.

[MoldieOldNaiceHam]

You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. No man is better than an abusive man.

See a divorce lawyer, talk to Women's Aid and start planning your escape.