To want our house guest to leave in the morning when we do?

[Melbourme]

Help solve a disagreement between me and DH. DH's brother is coming to stay with us overnight one day this week - he is mainly staying with us because we live somewhere that's convenient for the airport, but there is an element of coming to see us because he lives a long way away so we only see him a few times a year so this is a handy 'kills two birds with one stone' scenario. He will also be staying with us for the night when he returns in a few weeks time.

Just for context we all get on well but aren't close (that includes DH and his brother - no falling out, just not that close). The issue is that I want him to leave in the morning when we leave for work - at around 8.30am. DH feels that this is rude and we should let him stay in the flat for the day until he needs to leave for the airport. DH's brother would do whatever we asked him to.

My practical opposition is around double locking the door - but we could solve this by giving him a set of spare keys and him dropping them through the letter box of my sister's who lives a 5 minute walk away. My main reason though is that I just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of someone being in my flat when I'm not there. The flat is very small so it's not as though he'd just be hanging out downstairs like you would in a house. Our bedroom for example is a complete mess at the moment (and no time to tidy it before he comes) and I'd hate for him to have a nose and see it! If he left with us he would be able to go to various local cafes for a few hours, or has to go into central London to get the train to the airport anyway so could find stuff to do there etc. I get that it could be inconvenient though.

This may cause issues the next time he stays as well as that time I will be working from home, but I work in our sitting room and would find it really distracting to have him around during the day - as it's a one bed flat the only other place for him to go would be the tiny kitchen.

So, AIBU in not wanting him to stay in the flat after we've left for work?

YABU. Let him have a relaxing morning in your flat.

I'm actually with you here OP. I hate having people in my space when I'm not there.

Then again, DPs parents have previously gone through my handbag, read my post and read my diary while they were in our hallway and I was ill.

The last time they came and I was out, they gave DP the third degree over whether I clean the house well enough, and if I wash his clothes because he smelt a bit dusty.

I do let them stay. It doesn't get less weird. Some people are just nosy. I don't think you can kick him out though unless you tell him before he comes - tell him he's fine to stay but will have to leave at 8.30am. At least he gets the choice that way. And his flight shouldn't be too late in the day anyway?

OP's husband's casual 'oh yeah he might have a nosy' is the only thing that would put me off.

YABU.

If you're that anxious about him seeing your messy room just tidy it. He's family for gods sake

I also don't think you want him there, you honestly want him to walk around London with all his stuff possibly getting rained on, because you don't want him to look in your bedroom.

Either tidy up! Or be embassed about the untidy room.

YABU, you're not running a youth hostel.

Surely if you stress the importance of double-locking an show him how, he'll do it? Why do you think he wouldn't? Can't he post spare keys back brought your door?

Working from him is a trickier issue but I think you just need to be upfront and say that there can be no TV or talking, so he'd probably prefer to go out and here are some suggestions.

But why should someone (family or not) that you're not close to be in your bedroom anyway? That's a genuine question, no snark!

I guess I find it difficult to imagine a normal person happily ruffling through private things, cause, y'know, they're family and it's their right?

You're being selfish. Nothing to do with how close you are, just common courtesy to be kind and accommodating to others.

If you always live your life like this you will make yourself ill.

You seem to get so stressed over something so trivial. He will chill out and surf the net before he goes to the airport. I dont think he is dying to see your bedroom, honestly.

Do you suffer from anxiety or are you just totally unwilling to compromise? If it is anxiety you should see your doctor.

Poor BIL

Anyone who trifled merrily through my drawers (regardless of blood relation) would never be welcome in my house again.

No normal person does that unless they're looking for cooking utensils/etc... Which obviously won't be in your and DH's room,

The fact DH is blasé about him going through private things would concern me.

Yes, even if he is family.

Yabu and mean.
Talk to him. Explain you have to work so he might need a good book. Apologise about leaving him in the flat on his own and the mess.
Ask him what time he goes to bed and if it's too early for you, read a book in bed.

The fact DH is blasé about him going through private things would concern me

It was probably an off the cuff remark, a joke.

Yes, I read that as a jokey remark too - "What's the worst he could do?" rather than a statement that the BiL had a habit of or was likely to rummage through the OP's bedroom.

If you don't have a letter box where is your mail delivered? Is there a set of locked mail boxes he could pop the key into?

If my brother made that request of me, I'd stay in a hotel. Not to be difficult, it would just make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, knowing that he didn't trust me.

He's family fgs. (Unless he has a track record of theft, drug taking or violence YABU).

Picture yourself visiting relatives that you like and enjoy seeing. They tell you they don't trust you in their house alone so you will need to leave their house. How exactly would you feel?

I can understand you feel uncomfortable with someone who may (or may not) nosy around your bedroom. You just don't know if he will.

That's the reason I have a lock on my bedroom door (live in a flat too), so that when I'm away my son can have his mates over without me stressing if they are going to go in there. I keep all my administration in there too anyway.

I stayed for 3 days at one of my childless friends one bed flat with a small child in tow. I was given a key and left to my own devices.

Thats the way it should be with house guests. If you arent comfortable doing that i wouldnt have your bil stay at all.

Yabu and unwelcoming but you've probably gathered that by now

Go and tidy your bedroom!

YABU, he is family, and it isn't much fun spending the day in London lugging a massive travelling bag. And why should it be necessary to chuck your BIL on to the street?

When he comes again and is there when you are wfh just be clear with him. Tell him nicely that his bedroom magically becomes your office on the stroke of 9am so why doesn't he set himself a day of sightseeing and you'll all see him when he comes back for a shared meal at ? o'clock.

Good excuse to tidy your bedroom if it bothers you.

Yes you have personal space issues.. I couldn't imagine kicking someone out in the cold that time of the morning to knock about for the day.

Show him how to lock the door.. let him do it in front of you so you can check if it makes you feel better.

YABU. So what if he sees your messy bedroom anyway? Why doesn't he pop your key back through YOUR letter box, if it's a spare?