AIBU to expect this?

[Toffi]

we currently have my DH2b's 18yo grandson living with us after DH2b volunteered he could stay with us temporarily until he sorted something else, he's been here about 10 weeks so far and it seems to me like i am a chambermaid/cleaner for him in my own home... AIBU to expect DH2b's 18yo gs to clean and tidy up after himself just as the rest of the household do??

I am constantly retrieving dirty uneaten food/plates/cups/glasses/cutlery/rubbish from his bedroom & washing them up, picking up 2x used damp bath towels daily from his bedroom floor, washing and drying the mentioned towels all week (without a tumble dryer), cleaning the kitchen, bath, shower after he has used them including the toilet countless amount of times after he has failed to aim at the bowl & failed to lift the seat and urinated all over it and the floor, i'm also washing and drying the rest of his laundry weekly and although i tried to stop myself i eventually even had to change his bedding myself after he hadn't changed it or washed it in over 8 weeks

Dammit i've even had to replace all my toiletries after they were all used up including my face and moisterising creams which cost a fortune (i still marvel at why an 18yo male needs to use women's anti ageing bloody face creams!!! i now store them in my bedroom = lesson learned)

The new cream coloured carpet i had laid less than 6 months ago in the room he's using is now an absolute mess and has food/drink stains all over it along with my cream coloured stair and hallway carpets after spillage on his way to his room...

AIBU to think he should be old enough and have enough respect to clean up after himself??

ok i agreed to have him here on the agreement he was to clean up after himself, do his own washing/laundry & buy/prepare his own food etc etc but much of that hasn't happened and it has actually been costing me a fortune having him with us of which i really cant afford right now add in the fact i am currently trying to sell my house and have had at least 3 viewings in the last week so i want the house kept in a respectable & clean state which means i'm running around in circles (otherwise i would have left his bed/washing to fester & smell in the open wash basket that he actually has in his room)

Also DH2b and i are getting married in just over a weeks time and will be away for a week (god knows what we will come back too!!!), i've found his hair straighteners still switched on and on the carpet so many times its scary to think what could have happened had i not checked, i work full time nightshifts and am absolutely knackered, stressed and pissed off tbh what would you do in my position?

i have asked him to start cleaning up after himself and had serious words about the straighteners being left on and about fire risks etc, he maybe manages it for about 24 hrs then its back to me having to clean up once again perhaps i'm being unfair he is a lovely lad and maybe i just really need the rant. if thats the case the very least this can be classed as is a rant to get things off my chest but really what would you do in my position??

Physically shove him out the door, is what I would do.

Why is dh2b not clearing up after him and having words? Do you point out probs to dgs? What does he say when you do? Can he not go back to his parents?

I would insist he clears out while you are away and tell him it is on the basis that he has proved himsrlf lazy and untrustworthy.

Yanbu but I think you need to be firm that this doesn't continue and if it does he is out for good.

At the very least if you're going to let him stay get him a cheapie Teflon mat to put the hair straighteners on :-0

You said temporary so its time for him to go.

He could sabotage your sell
or seriously reduce what you're offered

He should go before you marry so you can be free to start your new life
together and not worry on your honeymoon.

Put an immediate ban on food in the bedroom

He's only got himself to blame I doubt he would change till he's 25 (random number)

My db youngest 21 lives with him its exactly the same, no job but lives it up with his mates in his room
Nothing has changed him for the last couple of years

Why should he live when he's living like a millionaire with you.

Sometimes young people need a boot up the backside to help them move on with their lives

I cant imagine he'd live like this for too long if he had to clean it up himself

He is a gs so I imagine their are others who can take their turn helping out

whoops leave not live I wasn't suggesting doing away with him!

What is your DH to be doing? Why are you washing and cleaning and paying?

I have had words with my dh2b but he shrugs it off as me being too fussy and tries to reassure me that its only temporary, he is afraid he will make the lad feel bad and doesnt want to cause bad feelings, i have had words with dgs regarding the straighteners and keeping things tidy/clean up after himself & i have seen a slight improvement (by that i mean he rinsed the bath out once after himself and put the damp towels into his laundry basket but tbh its not enough and then even this tends to slip and i'm afraid i will boil over if i have to keep repeating myself to him, just today alone i've had to do his washing and hang it to dry for him otherwise it just wouldn't get done and i dont want it to stink in that room, i've picked up 3 mugs complete with used t-bags & t-spoons still inside them, a breakfast bowl and a plate plus a glass from his bedroom floor whilst also taking his overheating (left on) laptop off of his bedding twice while he's out enjoying himself with friends, he also keeps a beside light on constantly when he's home which is left on even while he sleeps which i find a little unsettling/strange/annoying as it means yet more unnecessary electricity costs (but hey maybe he's afraid of the dark who knows), plus he's now made me really paranoid of the possibility of a house fire from any of these things overheating.

I am personally too embarrassed to point out the lack of his personal toileting & aiming abilities but seeth inside at all the extra housework/costs etc it has given me.

I try to live as economically as i can by not wasting water (i'm on a water meter) & turning lights off etc etc to keep my bills down and at a reasonable level he did however make a token gesture of leaving me a note with the word - rent!!! - written on it with £60 on monday for his rent so i guess that works out that my services are currently worth £6 per week oh lucky, lucky me!!!

his parents live away and he's here doing a uni course but i may have words about him going to stay with a cousin for the week while we are away wont hold my breathe as i dont think this will happen though!!! but i am seriously concerned about the safety of my home and all that i've worked for all these yrs!!

I should explain my dh2b also works full time & has been saving and paying for our wedding, holidays, luxury's, evenings out etc etc and always pays at least half if not all food shopping costs and stuff like that, but because this is my house i have always paid the mortgage and all bills i guess i'm to blame there as its always been my security blanket before now by remaining an independent woman etc he does however own a flat which is currently rented out to cover that mortgage cost.

It just doesn't sound like a good fit. How long will he be there for? You need a deadline...

It sounds like he thinks he's in a hotel.
This sounds awful for you op.
he will stay until you can kick him out, sure he'd be daft to move anywhere else, will all the work you are doing for him.

I suggest you write down all the extra work & costs & tell your dh2b you need to speak as a household.

Then all have a chat, and say this cant contribute, either you do xyz or you move out, but sorry this is not a hotel.

Uncomfortable I know, but what's the alternative? Keeping going as his skivvy.

I think you need to tell your dh2b that he needs to take action if the wedding is to go ahead. He is not supporting you and that is not good enough. It does not bode well for the future that he puts your (very real) concerns down to being "fussy".

Tell dgs there is to be no food or drink in the bedroom. He should be hanging up his towels and using them for 3-4 days before they need washed. Tell him his room is to be kept clean and tidy and if it is not he will have to go.

I have an 18 year old who is happy to live like this but I don't tolerate it.

yeah this is not a good situation for me its starting to make me feel really uncomfortable/depressed and frankly quite bloody used.

I'm currently quite fearful that dgs will not be able to afford to move on as he's taken on an apprenticeship which was a very good opportunity for the lad and is currently going to collage/uni for 1-2 yrs before actually starting properly paid work.

however i have been patient up until now, i haven't been doing all the cleaning up in the house because i want to, its because i know it will not get done otherwise i do not want my house dirty or unkempt in any way and i can feel my patience with it all wearing extremely thin,

i think the suggestion of sitting us all down and have a really good chat with everyone present is a good one, i think it may have just pushed my "shape up or ship the fuck out" button, perhaps i should make a list so things are in my head at the right time I'm even half tempted to just throw this thread in their faces and let them read how i've been made to feel haha.

Also the suggestion of banning food and drinks in the bedroom is a great suggestion may even throw in one about taking the bloody shoes off once in the house too seeing as nobody seems to have noticed that its exactly what i do in my own home as i will very very rarely go upstairs on a cream carpet with my shoes on... the downstairs is wooden flooring and tiles (so the only shoes that are completely banned down there are high heels so i'm sure the men will be able manage that one!!)

I'm exhausted tbh, cleaning with not much help, working full time, trying to sell a house & organising a wedding has taken it all out of me i can feel its taken its toll.

plus with me and dh2b getting married in just over a weeks time its not exactly the start to married life i had envisioned, not to mention the lack of privacy as in any private time alone or together for me and partner because bedrooms being next door to each other isn't exactly an enthralling get you in the mood thought either. (although to be fair me and dh2b have been in our relationship for approx 10 yrs already) perhaps if me and dh2b started having really loud noisy embarrassing sex sessions it would embarrass the poor lad into leaving of his own accord after all who wants to hear their gp having sex :D

Hi Toffi

Sorry to be blunt but your DPs DGS is a parasite who is abusing your good and generous hospitality. I would definitely get him out of your home, you should have a say in it!! Why should you be treated like a scullery made for a young person who is old enough to clean up after himself.

I have had words with my dh2b but he shrugs it off as me being too fussy and tries to reassure me that its only temporary, he is afraid he will make the lad feel bad and doesnt want to cause bad feelings

x 100. OMG, just absolute urghhhh at that, Disney-ing that young person instead of 'kicking his arse into next week' is contributing by enabling that behaviour.

Congrats on getting married, start as you mean to go on

Sorry typo - scullery maid

thx for the replies, i think i've come to conclusion that i've been a total soft touch up until now, and yes i have been made to feel like a scullery maid so def a sit down chat and have it all out if it carries on after that the door will be opened and he will be asked to leave by it, still tempted to just make them read the thread so they both know its not just me that finds the situation wrong!! i've also gotta find the right time as they are both a tiny wee bit hung over after going on dh2b's stag do last night and neither got home till 5am..... maybe as punishment i should make them both clean and hoover the whole house whilst they are both feeling queasy!!!!

Could be a good opportunity to get them to agree to all the new rules

Def ask him to stay elsewhere for the week you are away!

Bite the bullet after he's used the bathroom "Dgs you seem to have forgotten to clean the loo/bath/floor after you just used the bathroom - please go and so now"

If he's acting like a 5 year old treat him like one...

yes will be bringing the new house rules in for sure!!!

going to make the suggestion that he stay elsewhere for the week were away i'm afraid i may come home to either a total mess or worse a pile of ashes which is an extremely distressing thought!!!

as for the toilet training bit i'm starting to wonder if i should use the puppy training method of rubbing his damn nose in it when he's made a mess, i'm pretty sure he would pick up the method of wiping pretty quickly then

I have always found commands/ instructions at that age are better than requests. My lovely partners children live with him and he constantly asks things eg do you mind tidying your room? They then don't and he quietly simmers. With my son I do ' I need that room done this morning' and he does it. So....
' you cannot be here whilst we are on honeymoon and I will be needing your key before we go' would be the way I would do it :)

Hmm... It's not just the grandson is it? Your husband to be is showing a certain amount of disrespect to you as well. One thing I'd want sorted now, would be that the boy would be out without a key while you are away on honeymooon, preferably a few days before your wedding so you have a chance to prepare without being his skivvy. What happens when you get back is in your hands, but be prepared for the fact that once you and your husband jointly share a property things will be different.

Take the straighteners away and laptop,lamp problem solved on the fire aspect.if he's going to behave like a kept teenager then treat him like one.
Rules need to be made like not eating/drinking in his room if there is a kitchen/dining table.
And I agree kick him out for when your away for the week.

Toffi did you have the 'chat'? (While they were hungover!?)

How did it go?

I agree, don't let GS stay while you are on honeymoon & actually i think it's totally unreasonable for him to stay after you are married.

It's 2 weeks til the wedding yes? & 1 week honeymoon?
I'd say he has 3 weeks to find somewhere new to stay.

Time for gs to grow up, shape up & ship out. You get your lovely house back and enjoy married life not being an unpaid skivvy.

I think it's horrible to describe an 18 year old as a parasite. He's a thoughtless teenager, accustomed to bring looked after, a bit immature certainly, but how many of us were perfect adults at this age?

OP I am sympathetic and agree it's time he moved out - if he can't afford to support himself then his parents need to step up or perhaps your dh to be could help him out with rent.

He need to move in to uni digs

You need to put your own happiness first now
this is supposed to be a wonderful time for you

Tell him he needs to stay with friends while you are away as you think he will burn the house with his tongs. He hasn't earned your trust yet.

Also sit down with him and make a daily rota for him. Washing, cooking a meal, hoovering, cleaning the loo etc. Also a daily check list including taking mugs downstairs etc. Don't do things for him, ask him if he has completed his tasks instead. Get DH to run through the check list with him daily after tea each day. Tell him you will start charging for cleaning at 10 pounds per hour and carry through.

I think house buyers wouldn't be put off by one teenage type bedroom if the rest if the house was fine.

tell dfiance that if his gs isn't out before the wedding then it ain't happening - make it his problem! And when you find his urine all over the place take him to the bathroom and tell him to clean it - every time you find any problem take him to it and tell him to fix it/clean it/sort it out immediately - he will either fix his ways properly or will consider you a nag and leave of his own accord.

If he's doing a uni course can't he get a student loan and a job and rent somewhere like most students do?

And his parents and GPs (not you) could always contribute to make sure he just about survives.