AIBU to expect this?

[Toffi]

we currently have my DH2b's 18yo grandson living with us after DH2b volunteered he could stay with us temporarily until he sorted something else, he's been here about 10 weeks so far and it seems to me like i am a chambermaid/cleaner for him in my own home... AIBU to expect DH2b's 18yo gs to clean and tidy up after himself just as the rest of the household do??

I am constantly retrieving dirty uneaten food/plates/cups/glasses/cutlery/rubbish from his bedroom & washing them up, picking up 2x used damp bath towels daily from his bedroom floor, washing and drying the mentioned towels all week (without a tumble dryer), cleaning the kitchen, bath, shower after he has used them including the toilet countless amount of times after he has failed to aim at the bowl & failed to lift the seat and urinated all over it and the floor, i'm also washing and drying the rest of his laundry weekly and although i tried to stop myself i eventually even had to change his bedding myself after he hadn't changed it or washed it in over 8 weeks

Dammit i've even had to replace all my toiletries after they were all used up including my face and moisterising creams which cost a fortune (i still marvel at why an 18yo male needs to use women's anti ageing bloody face creams!!! i now store them in my bedroom = lesson learned)

The new cream coloured carpet i had laid less than 6 months ago in the room he's using is now an absolute mess and has food/drink stains all over it along with my cream coloured stair and hallway carpets after spillage on his way to his room...

AIBU to think he should be old enough and have enough respect to clean up after himself??

ok i agreed to have him here on the agreement he was to clean up after himself, do his own washing/laundry & buy/prepare his own food etc etc but much of that hasn't happened and it has actually been costing me a fortune having him with us of which i really cant afford right now add in the fact i am currently trying to sell my house and have had at least 3 viewings in the last week so i want the house kept in a respectable & clean state which means i'm running around in circles (otherwise i would have left his bed/washing to fester & smell in the open wash basket that he actually has in his room)

Also DH2b and i are getting married in just over a weeks time and will be away for a week (god knows what we will come back too!!!), i've found his hair straighteners still switched on and on the carpet so many times its scary to think what could have happened had i not checked, i work full time nightshifts and am absolutely knackered, stressed and pissed off tbh what would you do in my position?

i have asked him to start cleaning up after himself and had serious words about the straighteners being left on and about fire risks etc, he maybe manages it for about 24 hrs then its back to me having to clean up once again perhaps i'm being unfair he is a lovely lad and maybe i just really need the rant. if thats the case the very least this can be classed as is a rant to get things off my chest but really what would you do in my position??

Well the shit hit the fan so to speak!!! i wrote out a list of house rules as i'd been seething all day i gave the dp2b an ultimatum that either he tells his dgs things have to change or i do either way it aint gonna be pretty... i ended up really losing my temper and we ended up arguing and at some point i offered my dp2b suitcases for them both to pack and be on their way if they didn't like my terms as i'm not the hired help. i expect a bit of respect in the home and i also expect to be backed up on issues instead of allowing myself to be given the run around and having to simmer & boil over to get my point across!! right now i think you could cut the atmosphere with a knife and to top it all i have a viewing on the house tomoro so lets hope the house is tidied/cleaned because i am now on strike let someone else worry about the mess because i'm done with it...

Why are you the one financing this young man Toffi? You're being taken advantage of on a grand scale and it's not even as if he's your actual gds. Where are his parents in this?

Agree with NannyOgg, he should be in student accommodation, renting with others and learning to stand on his own feet. If he doesn't want to clean up in a student house then he can live in squalor as much as he wants.

Well done for standing up to them both and losing your temper. Don't let it go, stick to your guns and make the situation change. And fgs don't let him stay in your home while you're away. You won't relax and enjoy your honeymoon worrying about what you'll be coming back to.

The sixty pounds is likely not from him anyway, it's from your fiancé. Does the kid realize this is YOUR house?

I would be thinking twice about marrying this man.

Is this your own home that you are selling or jointly owned with dfiance?

What was dfiance's POV in the argument? How on earth did he come out in opposition of not allowing a teenager to treat his fiance as a skivy and her home as a shit tip?

What was the reaction to your ultimatum?

And, as an aside, what does your DP bring to your relationship? Are you jointly buying a house when yours is sold?

I guess that as my girlfriend/fiance has sent me a link to this post then she is expecting a reply . To be honest I find it disturbing that people can remark so flippantly about something/people they know nothing about!...And yes we do and have talked but this constant aggression, not only toward my Grandson is getting me down and I'm having to consider really closely what I will do now in the next few days. Let's get one thing clear, I love my Fiance to bits, you or she could ask anyone of our friends how I feel. I have been trying to sort everything out for the future for her/us as I am not getting any younger and she is generously younger than what I am, so much so that the chances are that I will be long gone before my girl is even looking at departing this life. Yes, I'm marrying her because I love her but I also want her to be financially secure and this would never happen if we remained Co - Habitees. So all my assurances/insurances, pensions, worldy possessions go to her when I leave this world even though I have 3 daughters and 4 grandchildren. I have talked to them about it and they are fine that I choose to look after the woman I love.

Some background: We have lived in this house which my Fiance owns but which we both owned previously (that's another story)for about 8 years. It was intended to be a place we bought to rent out to make some income but at the time that we bought it my middle daughter ( who is mother to my Cerebral Palsy grandaughter) needed a better place with easier access for my Grandaughters wheelchair. My Fiance, lovely that she is, agreed that we move out of my home which she was sharing with me so that my daughter could rent it and that we would move into the property that we had bought to rent out. Now, I work nights but I spent every afternoon for 5 months getting this place we now live in perfect so that moving out of our home was not such a bad thing. Since then I have put in a LOT of time and effort making it even better. Recently and whilst I should have been recovering from an operation I laid the whole of the ground floor out with wood flooring ( I paid and this is not my house legally).

Anyway...My Grandson. He's 18 he is a "thoughtless" teenager I agree but he has some special things about him also that you don't see in some of todays youth....He is far from being a "Parasite" and I object strongly to this description, my goodness how can anyone blog about someone they don't know in such a way.

My Grandson's story..... My eldest daughter left for Ireland many years ago, at the time her mother and myself were having problems ( we eventually divorced) and I guess she wanted to escape so she went to live with her auntie in the West of Ireland. My daughter met an Irish lad and she became pregnant. Soon after giving birth to my grandson his father started to get particularly aggressive toward my daughter which eventually ended up with constant violence. She left my grandsons natural father because of the abuse and worried about the safety of her son and eventually met her now husband who has taken my grandson under his wing and brought him up as his own, adopting him along the way. Like many kids I guess my grandson has been spoilt and has not really had to do much "around the home" He like I was and countless millions of others have been (including my 3 daughters), are and will be, untidy annoying teenagers! It has always happened it always will. He has left home and his friends to do a noble thing and seek work for his future, which through all his own effort he has secured. That work though has taken him a thousand miles from his family and long term friends and with the agreement of my Fiance we have homed him temporarily until he gets established and can sort out his own accommodation. He has already said he will " Get out of our way as soon as he can". He has already been talking to new friends about renting together.

To me having him here is a an opportunity to get to know him not having had that luxury over the last 18 years because of the distance. I have missed out on seeing him grow into the person he is now, sometimes not seeing him and his sister for years at a time. So I am a happy man to have him here. I also recognise that this is an invasion of space for my Fiance and realise that anything that he does out of place is going to be an annoyance...It doesn't make me happy either to see him leaving cups and plates in his room. It upsets me too his towel usage and that he doesn't see the spills of tea/coffee on the carpets and his urine on the toilet seat. I will keep asking him to think about these things and keep his room tidy and bring cups /plates down but I can almost guarantee that it will sink in for a short time but drift out again, so I guess it's going to be constant reminders. I don't want to alienate him, I haven't had him around for the best part of his life and to all you people who say kick him out, do you have hearts!!

He is a guest in our home temporarily. He is far from perfect. He respects our space by remaining in his room. He has arrived at a particularly stressful time when we are moving house and getting Wed. He will keep getting reminded, but I will say it is a beautiful thing to at last have some relationship with a Grandson who's life I have missed out on.

It doesn't make me happy either to see him leaving cups and plates in his room. It upsets me too his towel usage and that he doesn't see the spills of tea/coffee on the carpets and his urine on the toilet seat.

So how many cups and plates have you retrieved from his room then washed up? How many towels have you picked up, washed and dried? How much of his piss have you wiped off the toilet seat?

In short, how much have you done to clean up after your grandson rather than leaving it all to your fiancee?

A lovely eloquent story but absolutely nothing to do with the stress that your grandson is currently putting your fiance and soon to be wife under by not adhering to some simple house rules.

• no food in the bedroom
• no shoes to be worn inside the house
• no towels to be left on the floor
• put all laundry in to the laundry basket or wash clothes yourself
• if you pee on the seat of the toilet, you clean up after yourself.
• no appliance to be left on and unattended (lights/hair straighteners/chargers for electronic devices not to be left plugged in)
• try not to waste water.

I can guarantee that any woman or man that ends up with your grandson will appreciate if he can manage to do those small things. It will stand to him as a single man in the world.

You have to back your fiance on this because your grandson is taking liberties and while it is lovely to be forging new relationships with him, it is the life long relationship with your fiance that is going to be affected by his behaviour.

It is such a pity that you feel you have to go into such background in justifying your grandsons behaviour. If you were his father (and not his grandfather) would you allow him to behave this way?

See what is right in front of you and stop taking the softly softly approach as it isn't doing you any favours.

Your fiancee was kind enough to agree to moving out of a home so that your dd and dgd could live comfortably. She also agreed to have your dgs living in the home. These things suggest that she is a generous person who is willing to go that extra mile for her dp and his family.

So don't you think that things must have become extremely uncomfortable for her to be reconsidering your dgs continuing to stay with you?

What are you going to do about that? (And promising her your money when you die, and telling stories of his life so far just aren't going to be a practical solution).

This is nothing about your grandson's upbringing or history. Its about having a young man that needs to have some basic courtesy and, to be frank, hygiene imposed upon him as he's too lazy to do it himself. I can understand that you want a good relationship with him - but how is him alienating your fiance going to help with that in the future?

I have just had words with my 8yo that if his aim doesn't improve he's going to have to start washing the floor in the toilet 4 times a week and cleaning the toilet at the same time. His aim, miraculously, has improved . If an 8 yo can do it, surely an 18yo can?

As for the plates and mugs, food and drink stains etc - he is just being slovenly. If you want him to have a good relationship in the future, you should point out to him that these are not acceptable traits in your own home - and when you're a guest they are unforgiveable.

Then there's the downright dangerous - things overheating and leaving hair straighteners on the carpet...

FWIW I had to find my own accommodation in a strange city where I knew no one when I got my first job. I arranged this within 6 wks, having managed to find temporary accommodation that kept a roof over my head between moving up and moving into the new place. It really doesn't take that long if you make the effort.

I didn't read the back story as its irrelevant. He is using your OH as a maid and cleaning service. It's not acceptable. What are ^you* doing about it? Apart from noticing it? And...?

you I meant.

Hear hear coppertop.

Well Iamthatman, it's lovely that you are able to spend time with your grandson after such family troubles.

Your attitude about his basic lack of courtesy (reminders 'drifting', don't want to alienate him etc) is annoying me and I don't even live in the house. You may be reminding him- how many times have you cleaned his piss off the lavatory, or washed out the mouldy cups and plates left under his bed, or turned off the straighteners that he is quite happy to burn the house down with? How many of the 14 towels a week have you washed, how many of the stains have you scrubbed out of the carpet, how many of the expensive cosmetics have you replaced?

You have a fiancée who has been enormously accommodating and caring, and taken your grandson in. Your attitude towards the woman who you are about to promise to love and cherish forever stinks, quite frankly- you expect her to be an unpaid slave for your slovenly grandchild, and you are leaving her to do all the shitwork he creates because you want to glide along in your cloud of cool grandparenting and not lay down the rules.

Iamthatman you are not helping your grandson by allowing him to be so selfish and thoughtless.

I am shocked at this story. Poor OP.

So you expect your fiancee, who has already been incredibly generous to your family to now skivvy after your grandson and say nothing about it?
Well done for doing up the house. Now cpnsider who you would feel if your fiance had her young nephew to stay and he scuffed up your lovely wooden floor, drew on the walls you painted, tore your files and letters up etc etc and when you said something to your fiance about it she just made you feel like you don't matter? Not only that but imagine if she also didn't bother picking up his toys or hoovering up his biscuit crumbs but felt ok with letting you do it all? Would you smile sweetly and put up with it? I doubt it.

I'm curious where you live. You say you sometimes didn't see your Irish gcs for years "due to the distance." Whereabouts are you?

ok people lets be fair the dgs is not a "parasite" as someone on here called him he's a young man who is sorting his life & employment life out, he just needs guidance on what's acceptable in a shared home all of us have our imperfections including myself, the dgs is far from home and family support is needed for him, perhaps he doesn't realize what is expected of him to keep his surroundings in an acceptable manner he's a teenage boy after all, as for my partner yes he does have a right to establish a good relationship with his dgs and is currently finding this as stressful as i am so lets not hurt his feelings either, after all i don't want this all too cost me my relationship with my partner either, i am incredibly stressed/upset at present at what should be a really happy time in my life all i ask is that more effort will be put in with the chores and costs shared more equally these simple rules shall also be put into place and should be adhered to.

• no food in the bedroom
• no shoes to be worn inside the house
• no towels to be left on the floor and towels should be hung to dry and reused at least twice to save on laundry
• if you make any mess anywhere in the house clean it up
• no appliance to be left on and unattended (lights/hair straighteners/chargers for electronic devices not to be left plugged in)
• try not to waste water, electric

How about add to that he cooks twice a week, does dishes every other night, he helps with cleaning?

he's a teenage boy

He's an adult. He's old enough to work, to vote, to marry and to join the armed forces.

He is also old enough to think of others. Your fiance is indulging him.

You need to get REALLY angry with this. How dare he come to your house and leave it in a disgusting way? How dare your fiancé not deal with this?

It's your home, ffs! Get angry, OP. Tell them there's going to be no wedding unless the house is spick and span and they will both be out of a home.

DEFINITELY don't let him stay there while you're on honeymoon. Can you imagine coming home to find that squalor?

OP your fiancé seems to think you should/will put up with this shit because he is leaving you lots of money when he dies. Charming!

I think the rules are very basic and simple. Even my 3 year old could follow them. While the boy stays in your house, it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to stick to them. And yes it's lovely the grandson will get to know his grandad but it should not be at the expense of OP's happiness. Why can't the men consider OP's feelings? Why are their needs more important then hers?

Yes iamthatman, are you expecting OP to slave away for you both in return for being looked after when you are gone. Seems odd that you rambled on about houses and providing.

Iamthat man, you are quite right. It is very lovely that you are now able to nurture a close relationship with your grandson.
If you don't feel comfortable insisting that he changes his behaviour, I suggest that you should take over clearing up his mess and averting the dangers that he is likely to cause - all of it.
And let's see how long it takes for you to feel "aggressive" towards him and wonder why he can't co-operate with, let's face it, pretty basic house rules.

He is a man, not a child.