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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dh is a thoughtless fuck.

56 replies

Dietfail · 09/11/2013 19:32

I need to loose weight. But mostly, I want to. Im unhappy.

DH has just had a major go at me for not sticking with my exercise classes and eating rubbish. Fair enough except he didn't seem to care when he wanted me to have a burger with him while out to lunch earlier, and following this lecture has just plonked himself down next to me and is eating a huge bag of crisps.

he can't possibly have any fucking clue how difficult it is to have the willpower to loose weight, Since he eats what he wants and never gains an ounce.

now, I understand that I'm the one who said I wanted to loose weight, even though he's made it clear he really doesn't care either way and loves me how I am. Great. Honestly, great. But who the fuck made him the diet police, Oh and only when it suits him. Should he feel like it he'll suggest a takeaway as I return from the gym for example, but tonight he thinks its ok to lecture me on my failings and then eat a giant bag of crisps less than a foot from me.

ok. so im probably being unreasonable and get a flaming but im so bloody annoyed I feel like throwing all his rubbish food from his crap cupboard out of the window and tell him to go fuck himself.

OP posts:
JuneauWhoIAm · 10/11/2013 07:13

Sorry OP, YABU.

Stop blaming your DH, he didn't force you to eat a burger.
You could have sat with him and had something else.
You can have a takeaway, it doesn't have to be a whole gigantic portion.
I think you have issues with willpower but its easier to blame him for sabotaging your diet than to admit wanting to eat the burger.

Pennythedog · 10/11/2013 07:20

Are you going to a weight loss club or doing a specific diet? It sounds like you need some support.

Cyclebump · 10/11/2013 07:24

I too have food issues I am incapable of portion control. I discovered cycling and lost weight. I'll never be slim but I am fit and healthier than I ever was before.

He's being immensely insensitive, but you can do it alone.

Peer support helped me massively as I have friends who cycled an they really took me under their wing, encouraged me, gave me advice and cycled with me as the trips got longer to give me encouragement.

Do some research, there will be a solution, you can do it.

daisychain01 · 10/11/2013 07:29

Oh Junea, get real !? Are you honestly saying that the OP should have to put up with her partner deliberately sitting there stuffing crap and in the same breathe telling the OP she has to lose weight. It just shows what contempt he has for her. She deserves better and should expect better from her DH.

Please!

MrsLouisTheroux · 10/11/2013 07:29

I am (very) overweight, DH is very slim and eats what he likes.
Your DH says he loves you as you are and it sounds like he's got a 'major issue' with you not sticking to your exercise/ diet routine because its making you unhappy.
You really need to stop blaming your DH for your lack of willpower. He is not overweight and lucky if he can stuff his face with junk and stay slim. You can choose not to eat burgers and takeaways. The only time I developed a healthy attitude to food and lost weight was when I took responsibility for the choices I made and stopped whining about how unfair it all is.
BTW, I am very overweight now and know how hard it is. My relationship with food is very bad and it makes me very unhappy but I know that even if my DH lived on lettuce leaves it wouldn't change my cravings and my struggle.

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 10/11/2013 07:40

YANBU my husband is the same. He says I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am but supports my decision to diet and then suggests a chinese for tea! He eats anything and everything and never puts on any weight. In the evening he will sit there eating sweets and Pringles while I die starving. If I even slightly wobble off my own back he will tell me off! I've given up. I am not putting on anymore weight on so I am just focusing on that for now. Good luck op Grin

daisychain01 · 10/11/2013 07:45

MrsLT I didnt get the impression that dietfail is simply blaming her DH for her own lack of willpower. I think its all tied up with the fact he is deliberately eating rubbish right there in front of her, when he could be helping to support her.

Its kind of a "bugger you, Jack, Im OK " attitude he is taking that is so objectionable, IMHO.

bittapitta · 10/11/2013 07:45

"An hour of the silent treatment" - that was your way of resolving this? Your relationship needs work, this is about more than the diet. Of course he should be consistent in supporting you. As someone upthread said, it's lose weight not loose (loose is like the TV show "loose women)

JuneauWhoIAm · 10/11/2013 07:53

Daisychain, I am being 'real'.
The OP has an issue with her diet and IMHO she's blaming her husband because its easier than admitting she's the one at fault.

I don't imagine he's sitting there munching crisps and sabotaging her diet.
He's relaxing (eating shit food) on an evening in his own home.
She's on a diet, not him.

If the shoe was on the other foot and the OP came on and said DH is on a new health kick, he wants us all eating boiled chicken breast and took all the sweets out of the cupboard there'd be cries of him being a control freak and LTB.

MrsLouisTheroux · 10/11/2013 07:53

daisy My DH could sit eating carrot sticks and lettuce leaves all year 'supporting' me in my never ending quest to lose 5 stone - why the heck should he? He hasn't got a weight problem.
We are responsible for ourselves .

MrsLouisTheroux · 10/11/2013 07:55

IMHO

MrsLouisTheroux · 10/11/2013 07:56

If the shoe was on the other foot and the OP came on and said DH is on a new health kick, he wants us all eating boiled chicken breast and took all the sweets out of the cupboard there'd be cries of him being a control freak and LTB.
^ this!!

Thants · 10/11/2013 08:01

Why would he have a go at you for not following your diet. Why does he care? Not really got anything to do with him.

daisychain01 · 10/11/2013 08:03

There seems to be a strange perception of "if we eat lettuce leaves and carrot sticks, we are dieting" Yes I realise these were just (extreme) examples but come on, there are ways of eating healthily without needing to go to extreme length. Maybe thats the problem, thinking that the only way to lose weight is deprivation (nowadays there so SO much knowledge about healthy tasty eating, but it seems it is ignored.

"Being in his own home" - sorry the day he can be considerate enough to think it isn't just about HIM may be the day he might become a better More supportive 'D'H. It is obviously making Dietfail bloody unhappy and I cant blame her.

daisychain01 · 10/11/2013 08:03

Or even extreme lengths

LordPalmerston · 10/11/2013 08:05

Lose. Not loose

ApocalypseThen · 10/11/2013 08:14

I think it's fine for him to eat what he wants, so long as he stoa the policing. One thing I cannot bear is people who go around smartarsing about what they thought you said you were going to do when you make entirely legal decisions that adults are entitled to make for themselves. It's very controlling.

Joysmum · 10/11/2013 08:19

A subject close to my heart. I lost over 6.5 stine a couple of years back (the third time I'd done so but thins time it's stuck).

Learning how to have will power and not be affected by life situations is vital not only to losing the weight in the first place but also in maintaining your loses too.

However, that comes with time. It's a skill learnt and then only time will give you that chance to practice those skills and even then you won't even always get it right in which case you need to learn to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on with it. (That's the hardest thing for me even now, dealing with unplanned willpower failure).

My hubby is a big man and so not only did he not realize what he was doing because it was natural to him, he also didn't understand the effects on me.

To start with in my weightloss journey, I'd remove myself from temptation, not put myself into temptation in the first place. That meant a lot of not being downstairs with my family and it was hard for them and me.

It also meant talking to them, making them appreciate how best to support me in practical ways (like binning leftovers immediately rather than leaving plates on the side so it smelt and could be picked at) and emotionally.

When dieting, I was naturally more sensitive too. It's not easy but having my family gradually understand me more at the same time as I was learning to understand my self more was a huge help. As time went on I learnt I could resist and at other times I took myself out of the situation. Gradually the times I needed to extricate myself grew less as I realized I was more and more in control.

Losing weight and gaining control isn't as easy as it looks on paper. It requires different thinking and, at least fir me, different coping strategies. I still struggle at times now but being 'more normal' with food has become more normal for me the majority of the time so less willpower is involved. It takes time though and there is no shortcut to that I'm afraid.

Good luck xx

Booboostoo · 10/11/2013 09:04

I don't know your relationship with your DH but here's what it feels like from the other side.

My DH is overweight and has huge psychological issues with food. I love him and think he looks gorgeous no matter what his weight BUT his weight is causing serious health problems and actual lifestyle limitations (e.g. what he can do physically with DD, doing fun stuff like walking or cycling). He has been on and off diets and other options for the past 12 years and nothing works, he always puts on more weight than he started with.

I am very thin. I am sorry for this, but it seems to be genetic. I need to eat loads otherwise I lose weight very quickly. If he can't stop eating when he should (for health reasons), why should I stop eating when I need to (for health reasons)?

I have tried my best to support him, adjusting to diets, supporting (expensive) exercise regimes and even more extreme options but since he won't see anything through how much sympathy should he get? I appreciate he cannot help himself but I am expected to help myself and remain positive and sympathetic regardless?

maddening · 10/11/2013 10:02

Juneau - so if op had a bad alcohol habit and was trying to give up then it would be ok for her oh to take her to the pub and then sit next to her guzzling baileys?

When trying to give up foods a bit of support from you partner is not too much to ask - food is everywhere and the op has to deal with that everyday but to have it shoved in your face is too much.

Crowler · 10/11/2013 10:05

He sounds like a twat, I'm very sorry to hear that. He should not be scolding you like a child.

He may not need to lose weight but everyone can stand to be a bit more healthy. Why don't you suggest that you work out together so he feels a bit of the pain?

JuneauWhoIAm · 10/11/2013 10:18

Maddening, that's a ridiculous comparison.

We have to eat to survive. We don't have to drink alcohol.

I'm trying to point out to the OP that she is the one that has the issue. Blaming her DH isn't healthy.

She said he made it clear he loves her, has encouraged her but then he gets blamed for eating what he wants.

I assume he didn't actually force feed her the burger.

Crowler · 10/11/2013 10:24

An empathetic husband would feel awkward eating junk food around around his wife if she were trying to lose weight. Also, he would realize it's counterproductive.

Iris445 · 10/11/2013 10:43

Op I sympathies with you. I would drool if my DH ate crisps in front of me.

I would suggest you build in crisps in your normal allowance of calories or excercise to earn the calories.

You can't really blame him for wanting to eat stuff. You need to tackle your issues and control your weight.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/11/2013 10:47

I have a lot of weight to lose and I am doing it slowly and quietly. DH doesn't even know because I thought he is probably tired of hearing diet plan #123 from me. We do eat out and I just make a different choice to the ones I used to make. It's my journey and you will always be faced with temptations, cake in the office or the DC want an ice cream and the key is to find a way to deal with them. Losing a lot of weight and keeping it off is a long process and really revolves around changing the way you think.

Best of luck.