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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re. Newborn and stepchildren

61 replies

NoDiggity · 09/11/2013 18:25

Please be gentle - I am sleep deprived and don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not! I have a newborn (16 days old today) and my dp thinks it's okay to leave him unsupervised for short periods with my dsc who are 5 and 7. I am very protective of our son - this is my first child. I don't think a 5 and 7 year old should be left alone with a newborn at all. Am I being ridiculous? Just had a row with dp about it...

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 09/11/2013 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

damnitchloe · 09/11/2013 18:54

Widow - as others have said, depends what is meant by left unsupervised. I don't think a 5 & 7 year old should be left unsupervised while I went out even for a few minutes, playing in one room while you're in another is a different question. If they started screaming the house down, or the smoke alarm went off, you'd hear, even if you were asleep.

tooearlytobeup · 09/11/2013 18:55

I had a 7 yr old, 5 yr old and newborn at one point (not stepchildren). I didn't think twice about leaving them together when I left the room to go to the loo etc. Can't see a problem tbh

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/11/2013 18:55

Simply daft and very pfb to not leave your baby in the same room as your step children whilst you are in another part of the house. I doubt for one moment your DH means whilst you are out of the house.

What do you think they are going to do? There should be no difference in the way you treat them to your own child and i suspect you leave them alone in a room. How horrible for the existing children not to be trusted, they will pick up on that very quickly. Sounds like your DH is trying to ensure his existing children are not pushed out.

EthethethethChrisWaddle · 09/11/2013 18:57

Yes, I made the mistake of leaving DS1 with DS2 (age 3.5 and 10 months) while I had a much needed shower. Found DS1 sitting on a cushion, on top of a very red-faced DS2. Very guilty mum feelings.

However I also have step children who were also 7 & 5 when DS1 was born and they were fine alone in a room with him if I needed the toilet, made food etc.

I guess it also depends if there are issues like jealousy with your DS.

Pooka · 09/11/2013 18:57

My dcs were 4 and 6 when their younger sibling was a newborn.

I would happily leave ds2 in a bouncer, carry cot or on his playmat with dd and ds1 in the same room while I was cooking, having a pee or making a cup of coffee. They never hurt him. It wouldn't have been for a long time, so if massive cooking project would take him into the kitchen with me in his carrycot or put him in a sling. But otherwise, happy to let the three be together. I wasn't far (making coffee/having a pee) and hadn't put them in role of babysitter. If I heard a cry from him, I would deal with it. Never expected help with baby care from them.

When ds1 was born, dd was 2. I didn't leave the two of them alone together Until ds1 was older and more robust, and dd more consistent and mature.

JinglingRexManningDay · 09/11/2013 19:00

Of course they can be left unsupervised,if you are hanging out washing or having a shower. Believe me they will tell you when he starts crying.

Monetbyhimself · 09/11/2013 19:00

I wouldn't. They'll probably eat it. But it'll be their mothers fault natch

PeppiNephrine · 09/11/2013 19:45

I don't understand what you are worried about? What do you imagine that they will do to the baby?

Original poster

NoDiggity · 09/11/2013 20:37

Thanks for all your posts. They have helped me get perspective. It's not that I don't trust them - they are wonderful. I just worry because they are young and can be clumsy sometimes.

Neither of us would ever leave them in the house alone.

When I say short periods I mean that dp is happy to leave them alone for say 15 minutes. I'm new to all of this so I'm sure I'll calm down in time. Lack of sleep doesn't help!

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 09/11/2013 20:42

You are being unreasonable but it is understandable .

Congratulations on your new baby!

heartlessbitchface · 09/11/2013 20:43

TBH, I would say it depends on the kids. Some children are used to babies and I'd be quite happy stepping into the next room for 15 minutes while baby sleeps or plays under his playmat and know they won't do anything nuts.

But there are other children I've met who would try to pick up the baby, feed it things, etc... (But to be fair, those are children I wouldn't want to leave unattended for 15 minutes even without a baby in the room!)

dietcokeandwine · 09/11/2013 20:45

NoDig FWIW, based on your last post, I don't actually think you're being that PFB. 15 minutes is quite a long time (and I have 3 DC and am pretty laid back about a lot of things).

Leaving them for a couple of minutes to nip to the loo/take a binbag down the garden/hang out washing/make a drink or a sandwich etc - yes, absolutely fine. Or popping baby into cot and leaving older children playing nearby whilst you take a five-minute shower, absolutely fine. But longer than that I don't think I'd be confident, tbh. My older two were 8 and 3.5 when baby DS3 was born. I don't think I've ever left the three of them alone for a full 15 minutes.

Thegreatunslept · 09/11/2013 20:56

I have ds 5 months and dsd age 5 and I often say to her you mind ds I'm going to toilet/have quick shower, make cuppa or load washing machine. These are all things ds would normally be on his own when I do so dsd is keeping him company.
I always leave ds on play mat or in his walker and dsd knows not to lift him (he's a giant baby) and to come get me if he cries.
I usually get a run down of ds tried to put his foot in his mouth ds blew bubbles out his mouth ds farted that type of thing.
At 16days old ds was in Moses basket usually or bouncy chair strapped in so no real worry about danger to him but we do have to remind dsd regularly to walk around the play mat not on it and that ds doesn't want to see everything she does on the iPad (she nearly dropped the iPad on ds once).
So yes 5mins together no problem anything longer not really they are only children after all!

LittleBairn · 09/11/2013 21:07

15 mins is way to long to be leaving young children with a newborn.

SteamWisher · 09/11/2013 21:09

15 mins?!

No way. When I had my second, I didn't leave her with her brother until she was a few months older and more robust. 16 days old - not a chance.

CrohnicallyTired · 09/11/2013 21:09

It really depends on the child, and how sensible they are/can they follow instructions. I have a 1 year old, and my niece is 4. I never leave them alone in a room together- never mind for 15 minutes- because my niece is very clumsy, and can't be trusted not to do something like kiss the baby (involving grabbing her round the back of her head, kissing her hard enough to make her cry, then pushing slightly as she lets go, so that DD falls over).

Dobbiesmum · 09/11/2013 21:11

15 minutes without popping back in to check is quite a while tbh. That age can be a little over excited with small ones and it's best to be safe. On the other hand it's also a good age to start teaching them to be responsible and safe around babies.

TheRobberBride · 09/11/2013 21:21

15 minutes is too long to leave small children alone with a newborn.

Popping to the loo, making a cup of tea etc is fine but I wouldn't leave them for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

YANBU.

poopinthebin · 09/11/2013 21:26

No, I wouldn't for 15 minutes, but would for 5 if they are sensible children.

Congratulations on your newborn. :)

foreverondiet · 09/11/2013 22:06

Fine to leave them in the room if you having a shower - def not fine to leave the house.

TidyDancer · 09/11/2013 22:38

Alone in what respect though? Are you in the next room or having a nap? I would be fine with 15 minutes if all I was doing was cooking in the next room and I could hear what was going in. But I think that would be the limit.

Pooka · 09/11/2013 22:45

Yes - I would happily have spent 15 mins in the kitchen, next to the sitting room, cooking or emptying the dishwasher while listening in to the dcs together in same room, particularly if dc3 was asleep in his carrycot.

I wouldn't have gone upstairs to have a shower leaving them alone together on a different floor (and our shower is up two flights of stairs).I also prob wouldn't have left him on the playmat unattended with the older dcd in case they trod on him or tripped.

I found the joy of the carrycot/moses basket though was the ability to just pick him up and carry him around the house as I did things.

BruthasTortoise · 09/11/2013 22:52

This is one of the those times that I think your DP is going to have to accept that despite your DSC being children of the family, your DC is your PFB (and a very very new PFB at that). YANBU, you are a new Mum and I know with my first I didn't want to let him out of my sight for a second and certainly didn't want to take any chances re. leaving him unattended with bigger children. By the time DC3 was born it was a whole different story...

WooWooOwl · 09/11/2013 22:55

15 minutes sounds like a long time, and it is too long to be completely unsupervised, but there is a lot of grey area in between being completely unsupervised and the baby being with much older siblings without an adult directly in view.

I think if you can't trust a 5 and a 7 year old not to be watched constantly when in the same room as a baby, then you have bigger problems.

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