Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think this is a little odd, and rather rude actually?

89 replies

Selks · 09/11/2013 17:27

I have my children's Grandmother and their Uncle (ex's brother and mother......don't ask!!) coming for Christmas Day.
The uncle is vegetarian and I have no problem whatsoever offering a good veggie option for him, happy to cater to his specific likes and dislikes in terms of the actual dish etc etc.
But my offer of cooking an option for him has been turned down - they reckon they will bring a supermarket ready meal veg lasagne for him.
AIBU to want to cook for everyone, provide a nice meal and not have a ready meal eaten at the Christmas dinner table? It feels like a snub towards my cooking quite frankly.
I'm a tolerant person and generally let stuff like this go, but this is irritating me. I would prefer to cook for everyone. Or am I being precious?

For anyone suggesting they are invited after Christmas dinner, that's not possible as they will have travelled from the other end of the country and will be staying in a B&B locally over the Christmas period.

OP posts:

Original poster

Selks · 09/11/2013 18:57

Dilidali, I don't have his contact details. Contacting him would mean getting his phone no from Grandma, I'd have to explain to her why I was calling him then it would develop into a huge issue, which I do not want.

OP posts:

Original poster

Selks · 09/11/2013 18:59

Thanks everyone for your comments. Happy to accept that IABU. Thank you also to those who have said they can empathise with my feelings

OP posts:

lljkk · 09/11/2013 19:00

I would feel snubbed, too. but consider it a lucky escape. If he's that bothered just let him bring what he wants.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 09/11/2013 19:07

YANBU, I'd be a little upset frankly.

Firstly microwaved storebought lasagnes generally smell rank - to be fair, maybe the veggie ones are less abhorrent.

Secondly, who is going to cook it. Yes it just needs bunged in the microwave, but will he be taking the DIY element one stage further and getting underfoot whilst you are trying to prepare a meal.

Thirdly, yes it is actually a bit rude. It is effectively saying that he doesn't trust you to prepare a vegetarian meal. Ok yes he is trying to cause you less work, but what if it was a dinner party rather than christmas lunch, would people think it was then ok to BYO dinner?

But if its going to cause ructions then let it go. Take the opportunity to put lardons in with the sprouts and roast the potaatoes in goose fat.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 09/11/2013 19:10

The first time my parents came to stay with me (I was in my 30s) my mum phoned the night before to say she'd bring a ready meal for her and my dad and would I like her to get one for me too?
She knows I'm a foodie, too.
It was offensive. But she didn't do it to be rude. Still bloody pissed me off though.

amistillsexy · 09/11/2013 19:12

I think there are two possibilities. Either he is a really fussy eater (like my BIL who is strict veggie but won't eat vegetables!), and would rather bring a crappy ready meal than send a list of things he won't eat , or else MIL would be annoyed at having to cook a separate meal and has made this decision to save you the annoyance she would feel. My DM does this all the time-makes decisions for her dcs based on how she would feel. Most annoying.
I would make the mushroom Wellington and veggie stuffing and gravy and serve it as part of the meal, without it being a specific 'vegetarian option', more an option that happens to be vegetarian. Uncle can also be served his crappy meal, and make his own choice.

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 19:12

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. I wouldn't want to smell the lasagne when I was eating my Christmas dinner. I think he's rude; if you go to someone's house you don't take your own dinner, ffs!

Bogeyface · 09/11/2013 19:15

I am a good cook and have catered for vegans, veggies, all sort of allergies etc, but I eat very little myself. I have food issues and eating out causes me all sorts of problems, he may be the same. He may prefer to eat a microwave meal that he knows he can eat, rather than risk being served something he will have trouble with.

motherinferior · 09/11/2013 19:16

I'd be miffed too. If you were offering nut roast or a chunk of quorn he'd have a point but that meal sounds lovely.

MrsS28 · 09/11/2013 19:18

I can see how this is annoying and you'd want to cater for him, I'd feel the same if I was doing Xmas dinner.

However, as a veggie, I can imagine he's probably thinking a million questions about the meal, e.g. Will the roast pots be cooked in goose fat? Will the gravy be vegetarian? Will the veggie option be cooked in the same oven at the same time as the meat? Etc etc

If it's your mum who's cooking, you can ask all these awkward questions. But as he's slightly more detached and it's so nice of you to accommodate them on Xmas day, he probably thinks he can't be so fussy. Bringing his own is a way round this.

I'm not saying I would be happy with a microwave lasagne for my Xmas dinner though!!!

Original poster

Selks · 09/11/2013 19:20

Yeah I am not looking forward to the aroma of industrial lasagne at the Christmas table.
WIBU to make him eat it in the kitchen (or in the garage) ?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 19:21

Do you really think that's likely, Bogeyface oor MrsS?

He's obviously happier eating a supermarket lasagne because that's the sort of food he likes and he doesn't give a shit about causing offence.

Scholes34 · 09/11/2013 19:26

If it's the Cranks Mushroom Wellington, that's fantastic. Just make it anyway and present it as a fait accompli, and see if he still wants you to put the lasagne in the oven. It won't be wasted if he doesn't eat it, as any non-veggie would certainly lap it up!

Bogeyface · 09/11/2013 19:36

Imperial Well yes, I do because that is exactly my problem. But hey, dont let that stop you calling me someone with no taste who doesnt give a shit about causing offence

TeaOneSugar · 09/11/2013 19:37

I want mushroom wellington now, I stick a lump of dolcelatte in the middle .

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 19:41

Hey, I didn't mean it like that, Bogeyface! It's just that there's absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest her relative is the same. And I would never suggest you had no taste, ffs!!

She did say:

"I would not have felt snubbed if he had said something like "thanks for offering to cook and it's no offence meant about your cooking which is great, but I have specific needs so it's probably easier all round if I bring something" but all I've had is a statement from Granny saying he will be bringing a ready meal, no explanation or apology."

MrsS28 · 09/11/2013 19:43

Imperialblether -

Yes, definitely. If I was him, I would be worrying about all those things as I'm a strict veggie. I'm also lactose intolerant so would be worried about being presented witha creamy dish. And at the moment, being preggers aswell, there's the added worry of cheeses you can't eat etc.

If you're a strict veggie, it's difficult as people just paint you as fussy.

However, all that said, I would still not insist on bringing a microwave lasagne-I do think that's ridiculous when someone is cooking Xmas dinner.

In this situation, I would just maybe bring some bisto as a back up in case the gravy wasn't suitable. Then opt out of anything I can't eat on the day e.g. roasties cooked in fat etc and just do without them. I would respect the fact that the hostess had gone to great effort to provide a veggie alternative on top of the mammoth task of making Xmas lunch!

Mylovelyboy · 09/11/2013 19:43

I wouldnt worry about it. Actually sounds like it will make life easier for you. You can ask him if he wants his meal jazzed up with lots of nice seasonal veg. Mind you if he is a funny one he might want to know if the roast potatoes have been cooked with the same oil as the meat. Which some veggies do. Find that really bizzare.

Original poster

Selks · 09/11/2013 19:45

Mmm I like the idea of dolcelatte in the middle, Tea. I'm quite tempted to abandon the turkey and go wholly veggie actually! That would save me the problem of needing to find a halal turkey, but that's another story....

OP posts:

Original poster

Selks · 09/11/2013 19:46

MrsS he is neither lactose intolerant nor pregnant. He also knows I know what I'm doing when it comes to vegetarian catering.

OP posts:

MrsS28 · 09/11/2013 19:49

There you go- mylovelyboy's post says it all!! She's hit the nail on the head of why strict veggies are nervous about people's complete lack of understanding!!!

Original poster

Selks · 09/11/2013 19:51

You are missing the point MrsS. As I have said up thread I was strict vegetarian myself for twenty years so I do know what I am doing.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/11/2013 19:51

My daughter's a strict vegetarian and has been for sixteen years; I do know what concerns people have. I just didn't get the impression these were the OP's relative's concerns.

CombineBananaFister · 09/11/2013 19:56

I would see it as a massive plus, maybe even a compliment? It means he is coming to spend xmas day with you solely because he wants to and must value your company and not because of a free meal or because he is too lazy .
Maybe he thinks he's making it easier for you, or is fussy and is embarassed to be specific about what he can and can't eat incase it looks ungracious or he just really likes crap lasagne but either way don't take it to heart

UriGeller · 09/11/2013 20:06

Heat up the readymeal and stick a sprig of holly on top. Its Christmas.

Flip

1 2 3 4