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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for help in you to phrase this to MIL

40 replies

lola88 · 09/11/2013 15:56

She has again let DS sleep late in the afternoon this has happened 6 times recently with last week ending up him being up til almost midnight and taking all week to sort. I've told her repeatedly not to let him sleep and if she will be driving anywhere far (over 30 mins) then just to leave him but still she decided to ignore this and he is asleep right now her excuse is he fell asleep in the car and i'm an hour away what can I do.

I know I sound ungrateful but tbh she takes him for herself not for me and it may give me a few hours to clean up now but it means him up all night then grouchy all day tomorrow and 2/3 nights to get back into a routine so i'd rather she just didn't bother.

So how do I phrase 'your not taking him out after 2 anymore because you can't do as I ask and do whatever you bloody like leaving me to deal with the chaos' without causing a big bloody fight. Also WIBU to send him home with her and see how she likes a toddler bouncing around her house at midnight (joke)

OP posts:
azzbiscuit · 09/11/2013 15:59

No matter how diplomatic you are she might kick off. Better to just be straight with her IMO.

RevelsRoulette · 09/11/2013 15:59

If you'd like to spend time with him it will have to be the morning, because he needs to have his nap. If that's not convenient, that's fine. You are very welcome to see him here instead.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2013 16:00

Why doesn't your DH have a chat with her, what with her being his Mum...it might be easier?

You could always just make sure she takes your DC in the morning and you pick him up at lunch time?

Original poster
lola88 · 09/11/2013 16:00

*how to phrase so annoyed I can't even type

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 09/11/2013 16:02

"Sorry, since you keep letting him sleep and then he's up half the night, I am afraid I can't let you have him in the afternoon any more. You are welcome to come over here to see him or you can take him in the morning and I'll get get him at lunch."

everlong · 09/11/2013 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OvaryAction · 09/11/2013 16:03

Personally, although I understand the frustration with a toddler myself, I think it's a bit harsh to stop her taking him out. I would value the relationship he is lucky enough to have with his grandmother over an annoying disruption to his sleeping patterns.

I would get him into a routine where he naps before lunch and ask her to stick to this so that he is not tired enough to nap in the afternoon.

manticlimactic · 09/11/2013 16:04

YANBU but if she is driving how can she stop him falling asleep?

MerryMarigold · 09/11/2013 16:05

I would get dh to say 'we're trying to get him into a routine of when he sleeps. This is his nap time xxxx. If he doesn't nap then he's up really late, so if you wouldn't mind seeing him in the morning or at our place after nap fine, that would be great. Until he drops the naps.'

slothlike · 09/11/2013 17:21

manticlimactic if I've interpreted the OP correctly, she has suggested to her MIL that if she is going to be driving in the afternoon then she shouldn't take DC out that day.

I can sympathise - I remember when my DS still took naps; if he ever slept past about 3pm it would be a nightmare getting him to sleep again any time before 11 and it could be a massive stress. I think you should just politely ask her if she could stick to morning visits in future, and if she asks why tell her you want to avoid difficult evenings and it's obviously problematic for her not to drive. Perfectly reasonable. If she kicks off it's not really your fault/problem.

vtechjazz · 09/11/2013 17:24

Could you give it a 'if youre too weak nice to say no, then I'm sorry, but you can't have him after this time' spin???

Original poster
lola88 · 09/11/2013 17:44

overyaction I'm usually very laid back about letting grandparents get on with it but ds is a terrible sleeper and it really effects us all when his routines out also he goes out with other gp and we don't have this problem so it is avoidable.

I feel like I've given her lots of chances and expalined my reasons also given her alternitives but she still thinks she knows best. I spoke to her about it when she brought him home and she's said she won't do it again but was clearly furious :( hmmmph

OP posts:
Original poster
lola88 · 09/11/2013 17:46

Oh and she doesn't do mornings at the weekend

OP posts:
OvaryAction · 09/11/2013 17:49

How old is he?
I have recently discovered that DD will happily stay in bed without me in the room if I put on an audio book. She falls asleep pretty quickly listening to one too as it's v relaxing to lie in bed and just listen. Harry Potter audio books are a good one as Stephen Fry's voice is lovely.

RandomMess · 09/11/2013 17:52

I guess you'll just have to tell her that afternoon don't work for you...

nobutreally · 09/11/2013 17:59

My mum used to do this sort of thing - drove me mad, as the break wasn't nec helpful if it meant having to wrangle them back into routine for the next 3-4 days. BUT she never saw, and therefore I suspect didn't fully believe, the impact her actions had - I don't think it was malicious, but very annoying.

I would manage the times. Say he has to be back for x time because you are seeing friends/have a haircut booked for him/he has a party/insert excuse. x time is the time his nap should finish, so basically he's always back with you by that time. Then, if needbe, once he's back, discover the appt time was wrong/has been cancelled.

Might mean she has him for a shorter window, for a short time - presumably his naps will change at some point and/or he'll get more flexible.

If she spots it's the same time every time, then you say you organise it for that time as that's when he's finished his nap Smile

Sounds like she has him a lot at the mo?

slindile · 09/11/2013 18:10

i feel your pain. i have this issue and now don't ask my mil to babysit as she can't seem to get the kids to bed before 10. i didn't specifically say anything, just stopped the opportunity and if she takes any dc over night i make sure it's a weekend or in holidays and expect awful behaviour and tears the next day. that's the price for having mil help out.

if i were you i would get her to have him for lunch and pick him up at say 3pm if you reckon he can generally stay awake til then.

this phase won't last long. soon he'll be able to stay awake all day without falling asleep and your mil will be able to have her for longer.

eventually she will realise that the reason she doesn't have him beyond the middle of the afternoon is because she lets him sleep.

marriedinwhiteisback · 09/11/2013 18:24

Crikey OP - you have two sets of grandparents to hand and you are complaining because one set doesn't do it like you do.

I shall never forget when mine were about 1 and 4 and I had sinusitis, temperature of 102 and the only appointment the doctor had was at 5.45 so just perfect for the misery hour. I remember crying as I strapped them in the car and got them out at the doctor, where I had to play with them to make sure they weren't too obnoxious whilst I waited. Then get them in and out of the car again at the pharmacy because I needed antibiotics. Then I had to do baths and stories and get them to bed. Our closest grandparent was 100 miles away and not inclined to help at short notice.

I think you need to give yourself a bit of a talking to until somebody comes along to let you know how lucky you are.

Spaghettio · 09/11/2013 18:49

You are well wining your rights to restrict her access until he passes through this phase and it stops affecting him so much. Just because she is doing you a "favour" doesn't mean she get carte blanche to create chaos for e next couple of days. All well and good for her to look like the doting grandma with a lovely sleepy baby - the chaos it creates for you is not worth it.

Please nip it in the bud - I didn't, and I now regret it (5 years later).

Spaghettio · 09/11/2013 18:50

Within wining

D'oh

slothlike · 09/11/2013 19:00

marriedinwhite - just because OP has two sets of grandparents around doesn't mean she doesn't have other stress factors in her life that she doesn't want adding to (which is what she's bothered about: the stress it adds to her day when DC's routine is disturbed. Rather than trivial parenting differences or whatever.) And anyway, there's almost always going to be someone worse off, but that doesn't mean it's ungrateful to ask for advice.

PacificDogwood · 09/11/2013 19:04

2 suggestions:

Yes, "allow' him to stay for an overnight with her having made sure that he sleep 3 hrs before you hand him over Grin[evil]

Or, don't try and justify yourself (any explanation will offend), just only hand him over in the morning and have him back before 2. Never apologise, never explain; 'No' is a complete sentence an' all tha' jazz...

Good luck.
IME sleep always begat sleep, so I was quite happy for mine to sleep wherever and whenever, but I know that is not the case for all kids. I think she is BU if not acting on what she has explicitly asked to not do.

marriedinwhiteisback · 09/11/2013 19:23

slothlike I think she has rather fewer stress factors than somebody who has not help on hand whatsoever. I didn't get a break from ds until he started playgroup when he was two and a half and that was two mornings a week.

MrTumblesKnickers · 09/11/2013 19:28

I don't have any help whatsoever, and would love a nearby grandparent. However, should you put up with behaviour you don't like just out of gratitude? That's silly. Of course the OP should speak up.

PacificDogwood · 09/11/2013 19:30

married, I had no help whatsoever when DSs where little and still I would be unhappy about any childcare not doing what I asked them to do wrt to sleep.

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