to ask for help in you to phrase this to MIL

[lola88]

She has again let DS sleep late in the afternoon this has happened 6 times recently with last week ending up him being up til almost midnight and taking all week to sort. I've told her repeatedly not to let him sleep and if she will be driving anywhere far (over 30 mins) then just to leave him but still she decided to ignore this and he is asleep right now her excuse is he fell asleep in the car and i'm an hour away what can I do.

I know I sound ungrateful but tbh she takes him for herself not for me and it may give me a few hours to clean up now but it means him up all night then grouchy all day tomorrow and 2/3 nights to get back into a routine so i'd rather she just didn't bother.

So how do I phrase 'your not taking him out after 2 anymore because you can't do as I ask and do whatever you bloody like leaving me to deal with the chaos' without causing a big bloody fight. Also WIBU to send him home with her and see how she likes a toddler bouncing around her house at midnight (joke)

If you don't want confrontation - engineer the situation to have him back in time.

If you want her to know why you are cross, tell her gently and try to explain the situation as simply as possible.

If you want her to know and you don't mind her getting cross, tell her less gently. It took me getting cross at my MIL about her behaviour before she actually listened to my concerns and paid attention and respected my opinions .

The thing is, this nap stage will be over soon. So I would put your comment in that context.

Not, "I don't want you have him as you are doing it wrong" which, however tactful you are, is what she will hear.

Try " he is a nightmare at the moment, could you do me a huge favour and take him in the mornings till he grows out of it?"

"ds is a terrible sleeper and it really effects us all when his routines out also he goes out with other gp and we don't have this problem so it is avoidable."

Say this one more time then if she can't respect that (which it sounds like she can't) she doesn't get to have him anymore after a set time until he doesn't nap in the day. If she kicks off, tell her you have explained it nicely several times, but she has chosen to ignore you and you are fed up of dealing with the fallout for nights afterwards.

Sounds like she is doing it deliberately. My MIL does this. If you say something, very nicely, that she doesn't like or agree with, she'll ignore and carry on anyway. She was told several times and given subtle hints, when she kept rubbing my pregnant belly, knowing full well that I didn't like it. In the end, when she walked towards me with her hand out I firmly said "no I don't like that" she said "why not!" and I just told her that I didn't. I did not have to justify why I didn't want her pawing my body. She didn't like it and never had DH for a few hours again (like she very occasionally did). Her tough shit then.

married trust me, having two enthusiastic sets of grandparents to hand can cause as much stress as it alleviates, if not more - I have the scars from 9 years of granny wars to prove it!

OP I wonder if having a ready stock of excuses to hand might be an option, or, if you can bear it, do suggest that she has him overnight so she can see first hand the aggro it causes.

Do you have other children? Just wondering if emphasising the disruption to them might get through?

"DS is in that tricky phase when if he naps too long in the afternoon he stays awake till long past my bedtime! I know it's difficult to keep him awake on car journeys, so till he settles into a new routine it would be better if he visited in the morning".

Remind as necessary.

No need for confrontation.

married I know I am very lucky and like and respect MIL which is why I've not chucked a strop about it I've explained and gave her options but at the end of the day she's not helping me when she does this it makes life harder, I've never complained about the nurmerous things all the grandparents do that they shouldn't but I feel that this is important and not asking to much really.

Both DP and BIL slept great so she can not understand why ds doesn't, she does have him over night sometimes and never has a problem at bed time but that's because I've had him at nap time. She's not doing it out of badness just making life easier for herself as she can't see the harm.

I've told her it will need to stop that I understand it's inconvient and it can be for me at times too but this is how it has to be if she can't stick to it can she just leave him at home, she's pretty annoyed but I'm hoping once she calms down she will understand I'm trying my best to accommidate her seeing ds as much as she likes while keeping his routine in place.

Sorry about the spelling I can't spell check on my phone :(

married I forgot to say BIL is 14 and we have him to stay frequently when MIL or FIL (divorced) have nights out or go on holiday I recently had him stay for 6 nights while she was on holiday I don't just get help and give nothing back they get plently of help from me too

OK sorry. Mine are older now but I remember the first five years when there was nobody to call on - not family anyway.

married that must have been hard for u x

If you don't feel you can resolve the situation by talking about it, can you demonstrate it to her? You say she occasionally has your DS overnight & that he sleeps well as you've made sure he has had his naps properly. How about you let him have an afternoon nap that day (or whatever is causing the sleep issues). Sure, you'll all have some disturbance for a few days, but you are already having regular disturbance due to your MIL's attitude. Maybe if she sees the problem first hand she'll be more inclined to stick to his schedule appropriately. (Or do you suspect she will not be able to cope with overtired child & not trust her to deal with the situation properly.)

Just a thought.

Alternatively, do what a pp said & tell her that afternoons aren't convenient for you any more.

Why not get your DH to explain to her frankly?

Get your DH to tell her. If she does it one more time, get him to ring her and keep her on the phone until DS falls alseep, upset her evening and see how she likes it.

I'd go from a different direction, say your DS is getting really upset and put on a massive guilt trip about that.

On further reflection, yes, I think your DH should have a word with his mother.