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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never trust this friend ever again and possibly revoke friend status.

58 replies

lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 12:19

A long term friend (known each other from school and so on) has returned to near where we both grew up. She wants to build her own house, fine, she has put together enough money to do so. The build is sort of 3/4 along.Her DH is working but they have run out of liquid capital and she has asked me for 10,000.
Well, her DH WAS working till about a week ago. Turns out she knew he was about to get the chop (friends sister told me this) friend neglected to tell me this. IN essence she wanted MY money with no realistic time frame of repaying it. I hummed and hawed and then she said no more about it.
I didn't pull her on the fact she was willig to take my money basically take it, promise to pay it back but then not be able to KNOWINGLY
She is no friend yeah? Forgive or tell to fuck off out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 13:08

giraffes go on then you've got an honest face. Do you need me to take any packets of sweets for your gran on the plane for you?

DrHolms sure ask for money. Don't do this to friends and embarrass them. different story I think from my point of view.

Would this though not stretch the bounds of a friendship? breed distrust. I only think she was going to shaft me in hindsight. which we all know is 20/20

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 09/11/2013 13:10

I wouldn't mind being asked, if I could afford to lend it then I would (to a good friend) and have done before.
But I would want repayments sorted out before hand, so much a month, I wouldn't expect to get it all back in one go, it's too much.

Original poster
lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 13:12

reeling I didn't expect it back in one go. it is a lot. I think I was very naïve in retrospect. my own fault and am possibly projecting. but she is a cheeky bint

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 09/11/2013 13:15

If it hasn't already caused a row then i'd just let the whole thing drop, I wouldn't just blow her out though, she hasn't actually fiddled you after all.

reelingintheyears · 09/11/2013 13:16

I don't see what there is to forgive, she asked a favour and you effectively declined, no need for fuck offs.

Harryhairypig · 09/11/2013 13:17

Yes it would annoy me too, i think she has shown you what she is really like and although I would not revoke friend status I would find it hard to feel as good about the friendship as I had before.

Original poster
lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 13:19

10,000 is not a favour reeling. as you said it is a lot of money. I like to think that before you look for money you are certain you can repay it even without working out repayments. you should know that your husband is going to be in a job at the time of asking, not ask knowing he is about to lose his job.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 13:21

Is that not common sense though? If you went to a bank looking for a loan of 10,000 knowing that your husband is about to lose his job but hoping to get the money before the bank find out....is this not wrong? So she could have made as many promises as she liked, he would have been unemployed, my 10,000 in her hands and "what can I do." I would need to wait along with everyone else. No?

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 09/11/2013 13:25

You're right in that she shouldn't have asked to borrow money from you knowing her DH is losing her job. However she sounds desperate. Only you know if this is out of character for her or not.

xCupidStuntx · 09/11/2013 13:27

YAB a little bit U

Original poster
lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 13:29

I think she is desperate. Rather hoped she would try and sort out the current mess ( which we tjalked about later but is still messy) before adding more debt on top. I have never seen this crisis ridden but it seems to have grown and grown more chaotic in the last 10 years. Its like I don't know her anymore. she has gone from a very capable able funny person to scrabbling around piecing together fixes for the short term

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 09/11/2013 13:29

I think you are throwing the baby out with the bath water. You didn't know her husband was going to lose his job so it's highly likely that you don't know other things about her financial status. Perhaps she or her family have an investment which will mature in a couple of months or savings they need to give notice to take out. Maybe she has assets she needs time to liquidate.

I think you're jumping to conclusions.

Maryz · 09/11/2013 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2013 13:38

I think YANBU, I see why you are hurt, in essence, you've realised when she asked you for the money, she was planning on taking it and then being terribly upset that her DH lost his job, but sorry, we can't pay you back....

I wouldn't revoke friend status, it could well be that if you'd agreed to give her the money at that point (before you'd actually handed it over) she'd have told you, but didn't want to say in case you didn't actually have £10k. (Although that is unlikely). What I would say is you are right to be on your guard, she could well be the sort to use people. As she's lived away for years, you won't know if she was like this previously.

oh and hugs MNy manly slaps on the back, it's really shit realising someone was trying to take advantage of your better nature.

overmydeadbody · 09/11/2013 13:39

She must be very desperate to have asked you for that much money!

I don't think you need to cut her off as a friend though, you have made it clear to her your answer is no, and that is certainly a good thing considering her DP's unemployment.

I think as long as you keep money out of it, you can still have a good firendship with this woman, especially if you go so far back.

Some people are cheeky about asking for money from friends and family, thinking the formalities about paying it back will be looser than a bank. As long as she knows you are not going to be one of those friends she can use for money you should still be ale to have some sort of friendship.

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2013 13:40

oh and a good friend would tell you at the point they asked for the money that there's a chance they might struggle to pay it back, or at least struggle to pay anything for a while.

toffeesponge · 09/11/2013 13:49

It seems like you don't actually like her that much and are looking for an excuse to drop her.

She must have been desperate to ask for such a large amount of money but should have told you the whole story. But you gave her nothing so are veering into "professionally offended" territory as really you aren't out of pocket. She just asked.

Rockinhippy · 09/11/2013 13:52

I totally understand why you are upset, she asked a huge favour from you based on a promise she KNEW that she couldn't fulfil, but you didn't

Asking to borrow that sort if money is IMO cheeky too, lay a conversation that allows you to offer by all means, but to put you on the spot by asking out right is too much, especially when she would know that you aren't rich enough to swallow such a huge loss & in the circumstances of her knowing she would be very unlikely to be able to pay, it would effectively end your friendship & put you under a lot of stress anyway

So no, contract or not YADNBU

BUT - no real harm has been done because you did say know, so no need to overreact to something that hasn't actually happened because you had the good sense to foresee there might be problems anyway & said no.

I would have a chat with her about it though, let her know your were upset that she asked you knowing that her circumstances were about to change & that had you felt able to say yes to the loan, then it would have created an intolerable situation that would have put immense pressure on your friendship & that she knew that when she asked you & that you feel very hurt that she would do so.

It does sound as if she's floundering big time & not given a second thought to you out of desperation - are there possible reasons for her change in ability to manage her finances well- maybe that's something you can discuss & suggest ways for her to get financial advice too

I don't get why the issue of a repayment contract makes a difference, had you said yes to the loan then I'm sure you would have been sensible enough to do just that - it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to her ability to pay you back though, so without a messy court case to reclaim your dept, it wouldn't have been worth the paper it was written on

& I'm speaking as someone who DID once loaned a friend a similar amount of money, with contract, though I knew he would never stitch me up & was in a situation to repay, I also knew that if he did there was little I could do, nothing that would prefect our friendship that's for sure.

Talk to her, sounds like she needs it - gawd knows why, but I find myself wondering if there are drugs involved Confused

Rockinhippy · 09/11/2013 13:53

Did say NO of course Blush

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2013 14:00

Rockinhippy - you obviously haven't watched grand designs much, they always overspend by 20-50% - I've never seen one come in under budget! It sounds like they just ran out of money and couldn't borrow anymore to pay for the work.

womma · 09/11/2013 14:00

It's a hell of a lot of money to ask to borrow, but maybe from her perspective she's just desperate to get the self-build finished as soon as possible, even if she knew her DH was going to be out of work for a while. At least with it built they can sell it or rent it out and try to sort their finances from there, even if it meant taking on more debt. They seem to be in an awful situation, I wouldn't envy them at all.

Of course she would have paid you back, maybe not for a while, but what on earth makes you think she was going to rip you off? You're not out of pocket here at all, what's the problem then? Imagine yourself in her position (and be glad you're not)

Original poster
lolaisafuckertoo · 09/11/2013 14:02

Not drugs I think, but a house build that is sucking up more money then theythought they would need.

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Rockinhippy · 09/11/2013 14:18

Actually I have watched it & generally under budgeting by so much is down to unrealistic expectations & bad planning - I also have first hand experience of property development

Got to be honest I have no idea why drugs came to mind, it just did - it does sound like your friend needs help to rethink her plans - maybe her DH being out of work for a while is no bad thing, it forces the issue & if he has any relevant skills or can learn some, then it's an extra pair of free hands too. Not a self build, but major renovation - but I have been in your friends situation to a degree & it is hard to see the wood for the trees when living in what is basically a war zone, it's sole destroying to wake up to everyday with no end in sight - adding to that poor planning, which sounds like the case here, meaning she really cant see an end - then she is very likely struggling with depression too, which won't help her see clearly - she maybe needs to adjust her plans to suit her budget & think outside the box for help.

Has she thought of approaching a local building college & getting help that way - offering it as work experience ?? - also her & her DH working away from home on contract to build up finances - that is what my good friend is currently doing to finish his property - it's tough as hell for him, but he's actually enjoying the time away doing hotel work as it means he doesn't wake up to rubble & dust for a couple of months at a time & recharges his mental battery as well as his finances

Retroformica · 09/11/2013 15:36

If say she was being cheeky more then anything. I'm sure you would have had a full and frank discussion/agreement before handing any money over.

azzbiscuit · 09/11/2013 15:45

You shouldn't trust anyone who asks for a loan of more than a tenner. There's a reason they can't get it from a bank.