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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this Christmas arrangement?

31 replies

buttercup12 · 09/11/2013 10:06

DP and I have been together several years, no kids. Our last two Christmases have been spent with my parents. His parents have chosen for various reasons to spend the whole festive period on holiday somewhere hot and sunny. This Christmas they have declared Christmas is on at ours. Although it was slightly presumptuous, we said yes that's fine but we're going to Buttercup's parents for Christmas Eve and we'll come to you before midday on Christmas Day and spend the day with you and leave around 5 on Boxing Day after another family event. The plan is that we'd go back to my parent's house and hang out with Dsis and her boyfriend who will have come down that day and spend 27th with them too.

Apparently this is selfish. DP's parents should be able to have us the whole Christmas (24th - 26th) and do all things they usually do at exactly the same times. We think that as we can easily go between the two we should do that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovepowerhoop · 09/11/2013 10:09

no you are not unreasonable and they are being selfish

RoxanneReidsChafingFishnets · 09/11/2013 10:11

You are adults, spend it how you want to

Peekingduck · 09/11/2013 11:06

I recommend visiting your parents am on Christmas Eve, then heading for the airport and going away for a great Christmas break.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 09/11/2013 11:09

YANBU. Just because they have decided to stay home this year it doesn't mean you have to fall into doing what they think you should - they haven't given a toss the past two years when it suited them to go away.

Who is saying it is selfish him or his parents? If it's his parents, what does he think?

MamaBear17 · 09/11/2013 11:10

It isn't your fault they previously decided to go on holiday. Your way sounds completely fair. Make it clear that is what you will be doing and stick to your plans.

Dobbiesmum · 09/11/2013 11:13

YANBU. At all. Oh, and if you're planning on children in the future I would seriously start putting your feet down about Christmas ASAP. Throwing children into the whole 'where are you going at Christmas' thing has been known to start wars...

Beamur · 09/11/2013 11:16

YANBU - heed Dobbiesmums advice too.

Who is saying you're selfish? DP or PIL?

Finola1step · 09/11/2013 11:21

I agree - feet down now very firmly. You are adults. You make your own choices. Your idea sounds absolutely fine to me.

WitchOfEndor · 09/11/2013 11:22

Agree with Dobbiesmum, you need to start thinking about what will happen when you have kids as it looks like your PIL may be difficult if they don't get their own way. Put your foot down now to have Christmas the way you want. We spent too long trying to please everyone and once DS arrived it was a bit of a fight to break the pattern of 600 mile round trips each year.

CoffeeTea103 · 09/11/2013 11:25

Yanbu your arrangement seems fair. They chose to go away previous years so they cant expect you to adjust on their say so.

CremeEggThief · 09/11/2013 11:26

Agree with everyone else about standing your ground now. You're not the one being selfish here!

Original poster
buttercup12 · 09/11/2013 11:32

Thanks everyone! I thought I wasn't being unreasonable but SIL (on his side) seems to think we are! It's okay for her, her in laws live in Scotland, it works for her to have Christmas this way. She is usually lovely and reasonable. I think MIL has expressed her unhappiness about it all to SIL, and SIL has taken it upon herself to sort it all out. We have to nip this in the bud now because it suits MIL and SIL to do Christmas this way, one year all, then next year nothing but it really doesn't suit us or my family.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/11/2013 12:11

So I understand - are PiLs staying with you over Christmas and you are leaving them at your house whilst you visit your parents on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? Or have I misunderstood?

ilovepowerhoop · 09/11/2013 12:18

I think the PILs have said Christmas is at their house so want op and family at their house for all of the Christmas period

ilovepowerhoop · 09/11/2013 12:20

I think it was the way the op was worded as when she said the PILs had decided it was at our house it is at the PILs house not the ops house (that's my impression anyway)

LucilleBluth · 09/11/2013 12:24

I think yabu, your parents are getting Christmas Eve and morning....the best bits, they probably want some of that Christmas morning/ eve excitement with their son. Seems to me like you are squeezing them in, I agree with your SIL.

Blu · 09/11/2013 12:28

Oh, just take no notice, if it is SIL stirring it up.
It's silly - there is nothing 'selfish' about the arrangement at all.

And if MIL is actually manufacturing a huff and calling you selfish I wouldn't go at all - what sort of spirit to the season of goodwill to all men does that sort of ridiculous behaviour promise?

nennypops · 09/11/2013 12:30

When we got married dh and I decided that from the start we were going to be firm that we were not going anywhere on Christmas Day. Happy to see people on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but Christmas was just for us and, when they arrived, the dc. We knew too many couples who have this sort of dilemma every year and who spend most of the Christmas period on the motorway trying to keep in-laws happy. And it's always worked very well, no arguments from anyone.

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2013 12:30

Thanks for the interpretation!

You've had Christmas with your parents for the last two years, so would it hurt to spend this one with ILs without slotting them in?
Almost sounded like you wanted to punish them for having the temerity to want to be somewhere warm at Christmas, even though it seems you prefer to be at your parents anyway.

DumSpiroSpero · 09/11/2013 12:33

YANBU and I really feel for you as our family Christmas logistics have had several nightmare moments over the years.

We did two years running of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day lunch at my olds before doing a 3-4 hour drive to the Midlands with toddler DD in tow to see the PILs (who live 4 miles from us and had chosen to go to older BIL but couldn't be deprived of setting their granddaughter on Christmas day Hmm Angry ).

Eventually we told both sets of parents that we would be spending Christmas Day on our own at home in future.

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2013 12:45

YANBU - you and your DP have built your own tradition on the grounds that your PIL went away without him and didn't think it was important to spend Christmas with their DCs. Now they are in the country and don't have something better to do, they want you to come for christmas, and are trying to insist that not only are you there on christmas day, you don't get to see your family for any of the period. Quite frankly, you arriving mid morning on Christmas day, spending the night and then leaving on Boxing Day morning does mean they get the bulk of actual Christmas.

I would suggest you say you are due to be at your parents on Christmas eve and boxing day, while you'd like to see them Christmas day, you'll come to PIL unless they don't want you. If they need you to be there for the whole period, you aren't available, sorry. You always go to your Parents, and of course they might not have realised this PIL haven't been around to see it in the past.

Don't let them guilt you into thinking a 'big family christmas is important to them' because if it was, they wouldn't have booked to go away over Christmas without their DCs for the last couple of years.

Original poster
buttercup12 · 09/11/2013 13:32

It would be at PIL's house. DP is working Christmas Eve, so we'd get to my parents for 6. Then we would get to IL's for around 11.30 on Christmas Day and arrive at my parents at 6 on Boxing Day.

There is also a history of MIL presenting things as a done deal rather than asking us and then getting annoyed when things don't go her way. So we are trying to put our foot down on this but most importantly we think this is the best way forward. Both our families live close to us and we want to see both of them over the few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
buttercup12 · 09/11/2013 13:36

Don't mind if I do - That's exactly how I feel. We've had two lovely Christmases (honestly both of us feel this way not just me!) with my family. Traditions have started to develop and I'm sad not to be with my parents. To me it feels like I'm giving up a lot already and it still isn't good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
buttercup12 · 09/11/2013 13:38

blu - we're pretty sure MIL has planted these ideas in SIL's head and SIL is defending her mum's right to a perfect Christmas

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 09/11/2013 13:44

Hello OP.

We had similar when our dc were little and to make things worse dh parents are also divorced and remarried, so had 3 lots to work out.

In the end we said enough, neither dh or I could have a drink and the kids were sick of travelling throughout xmas.

Put your foot down now before you have dc, don't let any tradition grow between any families and it will stop any arguments in the future.

Do it your own way and build traditions with your dp.

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