AIBU about this Christmas arrangement?

[buttercup12]

DP and I have been together several years, no kids. Our last two Christmases have been spent with my parents. His parents have chosen for various reasons to spend the whole festive period on holiday somewhere hot and sunny. This Christmas they have declared Christmas is on at ours. Although it was slightly presumptuous, we said yes that's fine but we're going to Buttercup's parents for Christmas Eve and we'll come to you before midday on Christmas Day and spend the day with you and leave around 5 on Boxing Day after another family event. The plan is that we'd go back to my parent's house and hang out with Dsis and her boyfriend who will have come down that day and spend 27th with them too.

Apparently this is selfish. DP's parents should be able to have us the whole Christmas (24th - 26th) and do all things they usually do at exactly the same times. We think that as we can easily go between the two we should do that.

AIBU?

wait, so you'd spend most of Christmas day and pretty much all of boxing day with PIL and they still think it's unfair that you'll want to spend any time with your Parents? bloody cheeky if you ask me! It seems like she's not thinking about your family being part of yours and your DP's family at all. She might just see him as her son and you are a new addition to the family, but failing to comprehend that her son is also son-in-law to your parents, and as much part of your family as you are part of his (not sure if that makes sence!)

If they haven't been around at Christmas since you've been together (or had to plan through a wedding or other extended family events like a Christening), that her son has a new family to consider as well might not have occurred to her. Have you asked your DP, did they go between the two sets of grandparents as a child? That might be telling. (If they only spent it at home or went to one side, the idea of balancing families might not have occurred to them either).

Also, if SIL's PILs are so far away that she has to do the whole of Christmas with one side or the other, then again, the idea of fitting everyone in not have occurred, with SIL it could be she does "all or nothing" so PIL think if you are going to them for Christmas, it's the whole of the christmas period, not just the day...

anyway, just because MIL hadn't thought about this, doesn't mean she gets to make it your problem to give herself a dream Christmas. Tell her when you can go from your parents to hers, if she doesn't like it, you'll skip it and go to your parents, or you could offer to host and have everyone at yours... (of course, that way maddness lies...)

"Sorry about that but we obviously want to spend some time with my family as well." And repeat. And stick to your plans.

I feel your pain! We used to have to do both sets of parents on Christmas Day for lunch and full on dinner to keep the peace!

Ever since we got married we now have Christmas Day ourselves, travel to my parents on Boxing Day (5.5 hours) and then to inlaws on the 27th (1 hour from my parents) we have to divide time equally between both families.

I don't particularly enjoy spending time at in laws (seriously heavy smokers and border line alcoholics) we stay sober whenever we visit them as previously have been very uncomfortable when the mandatory arguments and fights begin. My parents house is mad 6 adults, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a selection of farm animals! So we always need time when we get back home to relax!

We would love to just bugger off for some sunshine but this would not go down well with in laws and I would really miss my nieces and nephews over the festive period!

You know what they say 'you can pick your friends and all that' :)

I think that some parents forget that their children are adults and have lives and relationships and commitments outside their control, they just expect them to do as they're told!

I would leave this one to DP, he can speak with SIL and DM about this. It's good he's in agreement with you. I think your plan sounds fine and fair.

I think your plan sounds completely fair. As an adult, I don't think that Christmas eve and Christmas morning are the 'big' part of Christmas - I always thought it was Christmas dinner that caused a bone of contention.

DP and I spend a couple of hours on Christmas morning together and then go our separate ways to our respective families. Our situation is complicated and alternating doesn't work as someone would always be left on their own. Next year we hope to start our own traditions and have everyone over to us as we'll have room for family to stay.

You need to start a tradition that works for you, before any children come along!

Thanks guys! Was starting to feel guilty and unreasonable but coming back here has strengthened my resolve. Also feeling pretty chuffed that I survived my first AIBU