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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not contradict 8 year old DS when he says he knows Santa is actually me

65 replies

ImagineJL · 08/11/2013 22:49

I was brought up not to believe in Santa, so I've always had to work at the whole Santa thing, because it never really came naturally to me. But, having been advised by many people that it's magical etc, I've played the game. We've put mince pies and carrots out, talked about Santa, had letters sent from Santa and so on.

Anyway, DS1 is a naturally logical child, and likes to have rational explanations for things. So it comes as no great surprise to me that he has been sceptical about Santa, and today he announced that he knew that Santa didn't exist, and that the presents were bought by me. We were in the middle of tea and there was general chaos so it was an easy statement to ignore at the time.

So, as a Santa novice, I don't know what the protocol is here. Is an 8 year old "allowed" to know the truth (thereby risking letting it slip at school), or should I maintain the fiction and magic? I do have a DS2 who is 4, and I think I could persuade DS1 to keep the secret if I begged him!

OP posts:

TwoStepsBeyond · 09/11/2013 00:19

It's not really a threat to say with a wink that if you don't believe you won't get any presents from him! It's not like my 13 y.o. is actually having an internal struggle about his beliefs, he just realises that if he keeps up the pretence for the sake of his little brother and sister he also gets more tat and chocolate.

FredFredGeorge · 09/11/2013 00:23

I'm always very amazed that people manage to get so invested in father christmas, how is it presented such that there's real belief - as opposed to a great many other stories that you're told as a child, how is it presented so differently from bears having problems with wayward children, or witches or ghosts or pirates or any of the other things that we get at halloween? Such that one is immediately discounted as a story and the other contains real belief?

I've been told by many people that I was "born all grown up", but I certainly can't remember it being any sort of issue, and I'm sure I knew it was a story from well before 8 (I know I did by 8 from stories but I don't remember when)

For DD, he's just another of lots of stories that she's told. She's under 2.5 but recognises who he is and enjoyed her stocking last year - but then she enjoys any amount of new stuff to explore. I don't think the from santa will ever be particularly important.

emptychair · 09/11/2013 00:32

I loved the whole Santa thing when I was growing up. I was about 11/12 when I realised!

My Mum's response was always "you stop believing, he stop coming". Consequently I received stockings from Santa until I properly left home at 25!

pennefab · 09/11/2013 00:35

I'm an advocate of tell the truth & advise the child not to let on at school. Nowadays with kids from so many non-Christian faiths at school, it would be inevitable that word will get out. It's more how they treat each other with respect and allow those who might want to continue to believe.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/11/2013 00:39

I was brought up not believing Santa was an actual real person who came into the house (rather helped by waking up in the early hours once to watch my mother fail at hanging the full stockings, complete with very un-magical muttered expletives!) and never told my DC it was literally true either, but let them believe what they wanted to up until DS1, at the age of about 6, expressed worry about a stranger breaking in through the chimney! I thought it was only kind to explain that nobody really came in as such. He said isn't Father Christmas real then? I said yes, of course he is, but he is the spirit of Christmas giving, and told him (what little I could remember) about Saint Nicholas and stuff. So when people give presents they are inspired by Santa. He was quite happy with this. (Only DS3 determinedly held onto the literal belief until he was about 8, in the teeth of all the evidence, stubborn little cuss darling. But he knew really.)

I said this on a thread last year and was roundly castigated for stealing the magic from my children. Well it's a bit late now [shrug].

Thing is, we tell our children fairy tales, take them to pantomimes and films, which they can thoroughly enjoy without needing to believe that what they are seeing/hearing is anything other than a rattling good yarn. You can "do" the whole Santa Claus thing - I did for my DC, as my parents did for me - without dressing it up as more than another great story which you are all acting in. That way there is no hideous sense of loss or betrayal when they find out, because you never lied to them.

MaureensWhites · 09/11/2013 07:50

Iriswildthyme - that is cheesy as hell but I love it! Storing it up for the inevitable question time. Dd already knows I think but doesn't want to admit it!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/11/2013 08:00

Is Santa getting all the presents then? That to me is odd. Why does he get all the kudos? How's he getting the money? How are you talking? Etc etc

In my house Santa gets you one (and no it isn't the main present just one you want) that's asked for by letter. He and mum liaise on behaviour to receive.

Keep it simple.

Norudeshitrequired · 09/11/2013 08:03

YANBU. He has asked a question and deserves the truth.
I have always been told that I am mean for confirming the truth when my son asked, but my son was devastated that I had lied for all those years, he wasn't devastated bout Santa not being real.
Can you imagine how he would have felt if I had carried on lying after he asked me the truth?
We reach our children not to lie and then we do exactly that ourselves.
I think it's okay to do Santa (I did), but to tell them the truth if they ask.
I did explain that although it seems like I had been lying about Santa bringing presents, it was just the magic of make believe (he still wasn't happy though).

The year before he had asked about Santa being real he had begun questioning why some children at school got so many presents and was telling me that he was asking Santa for an Xbox, a playstation, a 42 inch tv, a blue ray player, a stack of games and a stack of blue rays and that he would get them because Santa is fair and should treat all good boys and girls the same. I now realise that he had probably already figured out the truth and was attempting to blackmail me / test me out to confirm whether Santa was real.

Norudeshitrequired · 09/11/2013 08:06

In my house Santa gets you one (and no it isn't the main present just one you want) that's asked for by letter. He and mum liaise on behaviour to receive.

How do you explain when they ask why Santa brought a huge pile of expensive presents for child X and whether that means that Santa doesn't like him as much?
Or when they ask why Santa doesn't take presents for the children in poor countries?

SatinSandals · 09/11/2013 08:07

Mine were about 8 yrs when they asked directly, I would be a bit worried if hey hadn't worked it out by then! If they asked directly I told them but got them to keep it secret for younger ones.
He still came, whether they believed or not.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/11/2013 08:07

I agree, Santa is a beautiful story. It's one we all act in, first taste of theatre for everyone really. Is also about spirit of Christmas, remembering others, giving not receiving. Whatever you say should encompass all that. I am pleased to say I still believe in Santa, because to stop in him is to stop believing in Christmas. I'm also cofe and somehow manage to have both theories going on with no issue. The spirit is bigger I suppose than any one thing.

I'm also quite comfortable with fairies angels and all sorts. :)

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/11/2013 08:12

Norudechild

I've not been asked the first. Happy to admit that. Well ill wing that. Can't say I'm worried really.

Second? Santa works with charities all over the world. And how if you're not there do you know they don't receive something they need? Gifts aren't all about toys. Maybe they get a goat or water or something else.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/11/2013 08:13

Satin, agree

SoupDragon · 09/11/2013 08:15

How do you explain when they ask why Santa brought a huge pile of expensive presents for child X

Mine have never made any kind of comparison to how Father Christmas works in other families

JourneyThroughLife · 09/11/2013 08:17

I never did 'Santa' thing with my children...I mean, they knew people believed in Santa, and my childen had presents left on the bed and all the rest of it, but they knew Sanata didn't exist. I never lied to my children ever, and the whole Santa thing means a great deal of 'pretend' (untruths). It didn't make the whole of Christmas any less magical for them, or for the family.
It also meant things were a lot easier when the children got older...

SatinSandals · 09/11/2013 08:17

How do they know what others get for Christmas? Mine only got a stocking anyway.

plum100 · 09/11/2013 08:17

Hi Imagine - i think when they are asking questions they are old enough to be told yhe truth. I told my dd 9 this year as for the last two years she kept asking was it me - and j didnt want my other dc hearing and starting to doubt. I told her its stillmagical to believe and that we still have to look our for him in the sky on xmas eve.

The funniest thing was dh came home and i said what a sad day it was now that dd knows about santa. Dh said - ' yes i suppose you get to that age when you have to stop believin in santa - and the tooth fairy!!!!' My daughter said -'what uou mean shes not real either!!!' She was devasteted!!!

Norudeshitrequired · 09/11/2013 08:19

How do they know what others get for Christmas? Mine only got a stocking anyway.

Because they go to school and discuss it.

And my sons school did the whole shoe box Christmas appeal so from that he derived that some kids don't get presents from Santa.

SatinSandals · 09/11/2013 08:21

I never lied, I do believe in Santa, a lovely part of Christmas. There was no difficulty when older. They start with questions about chimneys etc which shows they are thinking and I play along. Eventually they ask outright, when ready. There is no trauma! If you did it well, they love the fact you did magic for them. I would be worried if they were still unquestioning at 10 yrs.

SatinSandals · 09/11/2013 08:23

Exactly, they discuss it and should question.

sassytheFIRST · 09/11/2013 08:26

My line is "I just think the whole thing is very magical". It's true, I do think that.

I have a sceptical but bet-hedging 11yo dd and another aged nearly 9 who still believes 100%. We will keep going until they both know but I'll always do stocking etc. cos it is magical. So there.

MadeOfStarDust · 09/11/2013 08:27

We never did Santa after age 3-4 because my MIL scared the crap out of the kids - telling them that Santa checked to see if they were asleep by tweaking their noses before he left any presents.....

we had absolute hysterics until we explained he wasn't real... they didn't accept that what grandma said was wrong - but did accept the not real thing..... eventually... with some worries every Xmas 'til about 7 or 8......

SJP83 · 09/11/2013 08:31

I think this is a reasonable age to figure it out! I was about this age when I realised and it hasn't spoiled my love of the festive period. If you have younger children he'll relish having a secret with you.

MamaBear17 · 09/11/2013 08:35

Of course yanbu. I would be tempted to delicately mention to your son that perhaps he shouldn't mention what he thinks to his friends though. I teach 10 and 11 year olds that still believe in Santa!

Whatdoiknowanyway · 09/11/2013 09:04

I've never understood the 'presents from Santa' thing. In my family presents were bought by parents and 'sent away for Father Christmas to deliver'. He maybe bought stocking presents but he delivered everything.

I did the same. A lot of love, saving and thought went into the presents I got for my children. No way was some mythical bearded old guy getting the credit.

Both mine stopped believing at about 7 or 8 but still get stockings now and they're in their 20s. And our Christmases have always been magical.

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