To have said this to DS' Yr R teacher in GP surgery today?

[youarewinning]

I must point out DS is now 9yo and in year 5. He's been extremely ill and diagnosed with tonsillitis at surgery. He was lying down on me but constantly twitching his legs and twiddling his fingers and occasionally instead of frequently! making noises.

Saw his old year R teacher - she was a complete cow to him and memorably punished him for pretend stinging a girl with a 'bee puppet' they had made - the girl cried. He was 4.1yo at the time.

School did point out he had poor social communication but despite my insistence thought it was 'something he'd learn as he matured' and she seemed to preferred the 'punish it out of him' approach. as opposed to something that he needed an IEP/support for.

Anyway she retired as he left year R and he left the infants just over 2 years ago.

She said Hi to DS who didn't recognise her. I reminded him she was his teacher in year R. DS just said 'oh' and laid back down. She asked him how juniors was and he said "fine".

She then said "your much quieter than you use to be but I see you still don't sit still"

My simple reply was "I see you're still as judgemental as you use to be and continue to misunderstand children"

Ironically my DS is not quiet - he's quiet socially but is always talking to himself, his Ipad or generally making low level noises. He does sit very well now.
Most importantly thanks to the correct support he's getting is doing extremely well in school and is part way towards a diagnosis of ASD.

[overmydeadbody]

and in my experience, parents of 'naughty' children blame themselves more often than they blame the teacher.

But I don't like the term 'naughty' to describe a child, especially a 4 or 5 year old child.

[overmydeadbody]

intitgrand the OP's ds was getting into trouble in Reception because the incompetent teacher was mislabelling his behaviour as naughty when actually he had special needs that she was not catering for or helping him with. Not because he was actually being naughty.

The OP said the teacher complained that the boy wouldn't sit in the middle of the carpet next to other childrne. A good teacher would make that child a special place to sit where he felt most comfortable, even if that meant he was not next to any other children. A bad teacher forces the child to sit in the middle of the carpet and then punishes him for not coping with that highly stressful situation.

Poor boy.

[toffeesponge]

YWNU.

She is no longer his teacher so any respect you may feel you had to show her in front of your son is no longer relevant. There was no need for her to get another dig in. Hope your DS is better soon.

[youarewinning]

He may a girl cry - but not deliberately. If your child was playing with a bee puppet at 4yo and touched an other child who completely over reacted - would you give your child a 10 minute time out?

She sad sided him for things he did related to his SN because she believed that would make him stop doing them. That's not a judgement - she fully admitted to it saying 'he'd learn'.

[intitgrand]

what? children can't be naughty?
[rolls eyes]

[youarewinning]

Thanks toffee I've been on your DD thread watching. DS managed a rice crispie cake, 6 chips and 2 nuggets today hope your DD feels better soon too.

[Goldmandra]

why is it that parents of naughty children always blame the teacher?

Maybe because many of the 'naughty' children have additional needs which aren't being met and the teacher is the reason why.

My experience is more that teachers who can't manage behaviour or meet additional needs in the classroom blame the parents even though they aren't even there when it happens.

It's the behaviour that's naughty or unacceptable, not the child.

[toffeesponge]

Nuggets! DD is proud she once ate nine!. She wasn't ill then though.

[youarewinning]

It's not about whether DS was being 'naughty' or not. He had recognised difficulties which the teacher decided to punish out of him instead of guiding him in what she expected of him. The sad side thing didn't work because 1) he has no empathy so couldn't relate his behaviours to making the teacher feel sad 2) they didn't happy face him every time he managed to do something correctly he'd been sad sided for because 'he should be behaving that way' and 3) the behaviours were not deliberate acts of naughtiness - which the teacher admitted. She even described him as impulsive with poor social understanding. That is different to naughty.

But again this thread is about my guilt about my reaction towards her as I harboured a grudge I didn't know I harboured. NOT a character assassination of my DS who finds life hard enough as it is.

[youarewinning]

Quite gold I don't blame the teacher for finding my DS a PITA or hard to deal with - I blame her for not trying to understand him and treating a 4yo badly. He's not perfect - but those who support him do not find him naughty at all just hard work!

[youarewinning]

intit please answer my question about how you would deal with your child in the bee sting incident.

[PigsInParis]

YWNBU - she was. Her comments about an ill child were uncalled for, even without the history.

Int - stop the character assassination of a then four year old with an unsupportive teacher and undiagnosed ASD. It isn't particularly kind, given all the information already n the thread. It seems clear this boy was disliked because of his SN - not because he was just naughty.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Sorry op I beg to differ. Your opening post is not written as someone who thought they had been U. Your subsequent posts, drip feeding further information to justify your actions, only confirm that you have no doubt whatsoever that YWNBU. So why bother?

[youarewinning]

My further posts give information relevant to what posters have written. Even one that states I believed I thought I had BU but was glad I'd said as it most posters thought iwnbu. I didn't put my own thoughts in the op about it because I was was asking what others thought. That's generally the idea.

I will however dispute posters who think I'm a precious mum who thinks their DS can do no wrong - I am not and don't see why a child's behaviour should be called into question. This is about what i said and how i behaved. Information about how this teacher treated my DS is factual and not what this debate is all about.

[LordPalmerston]

You were just rude.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

Just caught up with thread. OP, I still think YABU.
Again, why bother saying anything? She was unpleasant, and you were just as bad in your response. She was rude, you were rude back. Doesn't make you look good.

[BoffinMum]

When reading the 'sits in the wrong square centimetre of carpet' type comment, I am put in mind of a local head teacher who continually excluded a child with Tourette's on the grounds that he 'stared at her aggressively' and nonsense like that. She basically resented having to have dealings with SN as she couldn't be arsed having them in her nice, tidy school. Sounds this teacher was a bit lazy too. Well done OP for having the guts to call her on it.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Op Please point out the sentence in your opener that says or implies you think you might've been U. Maybe I'm thick because I can't see it.

[youarewinning]

I didn't put it in the opener bitof as I stated in my reply to you ^^. I responded in a way I wouldn't normally in response to someone who treated my child like shit for a year and then made a made a comment I took for a dig. I came away thinking I may have BU. So I asked people's opinions. Further down despite most posters saying YWNBU I admitted but thought in fact I had been been but was glad now I'd said it.

I'm still glad I said it because it's cleared a few things up in my own mind but fully admit in the GP surgery it was an unnecessary and probably OTT response.

But I think if I'd written an OP ' my 4yo pretend stung someone with a bee puppet today and the girl sobbed, was I BU to give him a 10 minute time out 2 days later ' people would tell me to let it go as I was BU as he's 4. The question is not whether she treated him badly - she did. But whether my response to her was wrong.

[baskingseals]

Yanbu
I think you were right to say what you did. I don't think you were rude. I think she is the kind of person who has got any with saying what she wants for years without anybody pulling her up on it, well done you for saying something.

[edamsavestheday]

Well done you. She was rude in the doctor's surgery - having a dig at a child IS rude, and nasty, especially when it's over something that happened four years ago (and that wasn't wrong in the first place).

"It may be hard to believe that a teacher can actively dislike a child and knowingly make them unhappy unless you've experienced it directly." Gold is quite right here - I've seen it. Aimed at a child with SN. And anyone who behaves in such a contemptible way, especially towards a child who is particularly vulnerable, deserves far more than a sharp yet polite response to a rude remark.

I was shocked when I saw it, especially from someone I had previously seen as a good, kind and child-centered teacher.

Youarewinning, I hope ds gets lots better very soon.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Well you did mention you thought you might've been U after you'd seen most agreed with you on your 10th post or something. It's quite clear from your op and your tone throughout that you are rather pleased with yourself. In my opinion the teacher made an off the cuff chatty remark, you responded with that very rude reply. Tbh she probably thinks you're off your rocker now. At the very least you lowered yourself to what you consider to be her level. Which is never good.

Anyway, is your ds better? Tonsillitis is vile.

[youarewinning]

Well yes! I must be the only OP is the history of AIBU who thinks they may have BU despite 95% of posters thinking they weren't

I tried to keep my OP factual and without implying a tone. I guess people will read things differently - we are all human afterall.

I'm not pleased with myself, actually quite shocked that I harboured the grudge as it wasn't a conscious thing I was aware of iyswim? I'm not in the slightest bit worried that she may think I'm off my rocker - she never actually had a high opinion of me in the first place! Despite the fact the reply was rude and maybe uncalled for I'm still glad I said it - if only because I sorted things out in my own mind.

DS is a little brighter - thankyou. Think it will be a few days until he's back to his normal self and in the mean time I'm enjoying the peace and quiet!

[Goldmandra]

I'm not in the slightest bit worried that she may think I'm off my rocker

When you have a child with additional needs, people thinking you're off your rocker is the least of your worries. There are plenty around who will rush to label you as a bad parent, pushy parent, overprotective parent or a neurotic mother and your child as manipulative, naughty, spoilt, attention seeking, etc. I imagine that this teacher doled out plenty of these labels.

Off your rocker seems quite attractive in comparison and I think Bit is probably right. This teacher doesn't seem like the sort to ever wonder if she's the one who did something wrong. In her world it will always be the parents' fault.

[youarewinning]

Gold you're right again In my case though it was the parent who as a LP with an only child spent too much time focussing on him. So yes they probably were hinting at overprotective (me) and spoilt (him).

I do feel guilty for not fighting harder for him. For allowing their judgements of me and him make me question myself and my own abilities - despite what my own head was screaming out to me.