To have said this to DS' Yr R teacher in GP surgery today?

[youarewinning]

I must point out DS is now 9yo and in year 5. He's been extremely ill and diagnosed with tonsillitis at surgery. He was lying down on me but constantly twitching his legs and twiddling his fingers and occasionally instead of frequently! making noises.

Saw his old year R teacher - she was a complete cow to him and memorably punished him for pretend stinging a girl with a 'bee puppet' they had made - the girl cried. He was 4.1yo at the time.

School did point out he had poor social communication but despite my insistence thought it was 'something he'd learn as he matured' and she seemed to preferred the 'punish it out of him' approach. as opposed to something that he needed an IEP/support for.

Anyway she retired as he left year R and he left the infants just over 2 years ago.

She said Hi to DS who didn't recognise her. I reminded him she was his teacher in year R. DS just said 'oh' and laid back down. She asked him how juniors was and he said "fine".

She then said "your much quieter than you use to be but I see you still don't sit still"

My simple reply was "I see you're still as judgemental as you use to be and continue to misunderstand children"

Ironically my DS is not quiet - he's quiet socially but is always talking to himself, his Ipad or generally making low level noises. He does sit very well now.
Most importantly thanks to the correct support he's getting is doing extremely well in school and is part way towards a diagnosis of ASD.

[youarewinning]

claig I totally understand what your saying. But this woman was negative about my DS for a year - clearly did not like him and made no bones about it. She refused to help him when he needed it and then felt the need to make further comment on his behaviour. Had it been a teacher who has at least made an effort to support DS I believe I would not have taken such offense about it. As I said - I didn't realise I held such a grudge against this women until she said what she did.

Apart from the fact what she said was untrue - my DS talks far more now than he use to. It might be to himself mostly but he doesn't shut up

[youarewinning]

In contrast his current CT is fecking amazing. He has moved DS on beyond what I thought possible in 7 weeks. The difference is he said how disruptive it is that DS needs to be tapping or making noise when the room is silent. But, and here's the difference. He suggested a twiddle box of silent objects he could also chew - so he's trying to limit the behaviours, not punish him for things beyond his control. And it is beyond his control because when told to 'stop' or 'shut up!' he will. So he doesn't continue it to be naughty - but will often start it again after a period of time because that's part of his SN.

[claig]

'I think the teacher made the mistake of seeing herself still somewhat in the teacher role in relation to this child.'

She only did that because she wanted to be friendly and recreate the common bond that they shared when she was his teacher years ago.

'She said Hi to DS who didn't recognise her.'

She liked DS and said hi to him. She holds no grudges and likes him.

I don't blame OP because I have made mistakes and been rude to people when it was uncalled for, and OP reacted instinctively because of the latent grudge that she held unbeknown to her. She couldn't help it. But in hindsight we can't condone it, because she made a mistake and reacted rudely to someone who had greeted her DS and who liked him.

It is important to acknowledge the mistake in order not to offend anyone else in the future who might make an innocent remark. I have done similar things but I hope I have tried to learn from them when I looked back in hindsight.

[claig]

' I didn't realise I held such a grudge against this women until she said what she did.'

Yes, I understand that totally. But, now that you know about the grudge, I think you will be able to have a better persepective and not react to what may in fact be innocent remarks which may be misintrepreted through the prism of the grudge.

[youarewinning]

claig she didn't like him. I haven't seen her since she left the school. I smiled at her and said Hi because it seemed rude not to when I knew her and was sat (through no choice of my own) beside her. Whether my response was rude or not is certainly debatable.

I'm still trying to get my head round the idea that someone would make a disputably affectionate comment to a child they spent a year actively disliking. I agree - how are you/ school etc would have been the most appropriate if she felt the need to say more than hi back.

Oh well, perhaps with hindsight she knows she was out of order to DS and haphazardly tried to make a comment about how he's improved - but ended up being insulting instead

[Goldmandra]

I think sometimes we take things as they happen and then later on we suddenly look back and realised how badly we or our children have been treated. The perspective we gain from time passing gives us a sudden clarity.

The OP suddenly realised how strongly she still felt about the teacher's unreasonable behaviour towards her son and, when this woman started criticising him within seconds of meeting him again, she instinctively dealt with it swiftly and effectively.

When we've done something that is a little out of character and challenged someone's behaviour head on we often look back and wonder if that had been the right thing to do. MN is full of threads where people are asking for affirmation when they have stepped out of their comfort zone to take a stand.

The fact that they are asking doesn't mean that they were wrong to do it.

Some teachers are unpleasant people just as some police officers, nurses, checkout operators are. This teacher behaved in an arrogant and judgemental way for at least one year of her teaching career and made the child very unhappy. She stepped straight back into that role as soon as she met the child again and it was very appropriate that the OP should challenge her.

[Goldmandra]

I don't suppose she would be very pleased to hear that other teachers are making a better job of meeting your son's needs now, OP. She probably expected to her that he was still struggling which would have justified her treatment of him.

[claig]

Yes, she will have analysed what she said to try and understand why you were rude to her and in future she will not say that again, but I don't think she meant to be rude. You say she "spent a year actively disliking" him. I find that a bit hard to believe. She said hi to him, and who "actively dislikes" a 4 year old?

' I agree - how are you/ school etc would have been the most appropriate if she felt the need to say more than hi back.'

Yes, but you have to cut people some slack. People are human and are all different and say all sorts of things due to nerves or old age or sense of humour or not knowing how to react, particularly when his reply to who she was was just "oh" instead of "hi" etc.

[Goldmandra]

I find that a bit hard to believe.

I see no reason to assume that the OP is lying.

[claig]

'I see no reason to assume that the OP is lying.'

I don't think she is lying, I think she may be misinterpreting it.

[youarewinning]

Gold Yes, you put my feelings into words better than I did!

[BabyMummy29]

Good for you OP. I have a situation where a certain teacher taught both my DCs. She was a complete cow to DD (who could do nothing right in this woman's eyes) and thought the sun shone from my DS.

Now, when she meets me she is all over DS like a rash and totally ignores DD.

Next time I encounter her I am going to say "By the way, did you realise I actually have 2 children?"

Just waiting for the occasion!!

[Lilacroses]

Op had absolutely no reason to think the teacher liked her son or was being affectionate! Why would she think that when she'd clearly disliked him for an entire year!

[youarewinning]

claig I am not misinterpreting her not liking him - she didn't. Read ^^ where I said she was reeling of a list of 'he saids' and 'he dids' and I asked if she had anything positive to say about DS. She didn't. Most people can think of something positive to say about people - even if they don't particulary like them.

[FunnyRunner]

I'm a teacher. I tend to defend teachers. But in your case I think you did exactly the right thing. She sounds like a bitch but she also sounds like she was someone who was nearing retirement who had simply run out of steam. She might have been a good teacher at the start of her career.

So YANBU. But next time some moron says that teachers should be teaching till they are seventy carried out in a box tell them to get a fucking grip. Every teacher of my acquaintance admits there was a 'golden period' in their teaching career when they were experienced AND enthused. It is a job with a high burnout rate but a lot of teachers keep limping along past the burnout point because they don't know what else to do.

That doesn't excuse this woman's behaviour but it might at least help you to understand it. And she may of course just be a cow.

[Marshy]

Claig I don't think you can confidently say on the basis of what we have been given that the teacher likes the ops ds. In fact on the contrary it is the ops opinion that the opposite is true!

I can't be confident that the teacher meant her comment negatively but I can see why it might have come across that way. Unfortunately for the teacher she made a comment to someone who on this occasion was prepared to be equally open with her opinion in response. I would imagine that might have been a bit of a surprise.

[youarewinning]

baby That should be used for anyone who only talks to 1 child when there is more than 1 there! My pet hate is when people coo over a newborn ignoring the toddler hanging on to the pram. I think people find it hard to fathom that someone can actively just dislike a child unless they've seen it first hand.

[BabyMummy29]

funnyrunner you are so right. I'm a teacher too and have find the prospect of working until I'm 68 - at the current reckoning but the goalposts keep moving - dire.

There may be some jobs you can do until you're that age, but teaching isn't one of them.

[Goldmandra]

It may be hard to believe that a teacher can actively dislike a child and knowingly make them unhappy unless you've experienced it directly. When your child is the victim of this there is no room for misinterpretation, no matter how hard you look for the positives and the excuses. It is also a horrendous experience for the child and the parent who has to hand them over every day for more of the same.

Some teachers see children's inability to cope as wilful behaviour and engage in battles they can never win and never finish without backing down and admitting they were wrong. It sounds like this could be what happened to the OP's son.

[youarewinning]

My current age of retirement (also work in education is 68 too!)

I'll be 35 when I qualify to teach - I am also under no illusion I'll be at my best with it at 68/70. Hence why I have another educational role as a tutor under my belt. So that when I hit that point I can go back into that role - perhaps in a more admin side - but still make a positive difference to children who are struggling within education.

[Goldmandra]

I take my hat off to anyone who can remain positive and enthusiastic as a teacher up to retirement age. I know I couldn't.

I would however walk away and find a different role when I realised I was no longer doing a good job.

[youarewinning]

Some teachers see children's inability to cope as wilful behaviour and engage in battles they can never win and never finish without backing down and admitting they were wrong. It sounds like this could be what happened to the OP's son.

^^ this. She thought he should just sit in amongst his peers on the carpet because she said he should. And that his reluctance and figiting in this position was wilful naughtiness. But yet admitted herself if he sat at the back on the outside was still and would listen.
She wouldn't/didn't believe it was because he felt comfortable when not surrounded by people on every side. Like I said - she created problems just to be the 'teacher' and 'in charge'.

[BabyMummy29]

OP Unfortunately where I live, the opportunities for me to find any other kind of work that pays as well as teaching are virtually nil.


My only hope is to win the lottery and retire to my dream thatched cottage in the Cotswolds - oh well, I can dream!

[youarewinning]

Sadly it doesn't pay as well! Well not as well as a teaching job if you've gone through threshold and on to UPS. But I started the role working for the county council, the county council employ me as the tutor and so I'll have enough pension payments to the county council once I retire from teaching to take a role with the 'company' who I am a tutor for.

I'll still be doing the lottery weekly though

[imofftolisdoonvarna]

You're still holding a grudge because he missed 10 minutes of golden time for pretending to sting someone and making them cry?

I think you need to let it go big time.