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AIBU?

To have said this to DS' Yr R teacher in GP surgery today?

207 replies

youarewinning · 08/11/2013 22:19

I must point out DS is now 9yo and in year 5. He's been extremely ill and diagnosed with tonsillitis at surgery. He was lying down on me but constantly twitching his legs and twiddling his fingers and occasionally instead of frequently! making noises.

Saw his old year R teacher - she was a complete cow to him and memorably punished him for pretend stinging a girl with a 'bee puppet' they had made - the girl cried. He was 4.1yo at the time.

School did point out he had poor social communication but despite my insistence thought it was 'something he'd learn as he matured' and she seemed to preferred the 'punish it out of him' approach. as opposed to something that he needed an IEP/support for.

Anyway she retired as he left year R and he left the infants just over 2 years ago.

She said Hi to DS who didn't recognise her. I reminded him she was his teacher in year R. DS just said 'oh' and laid back down. She asked him how juniors was and he said "fine".

She then said "your much quieter than you use to be but I see you still don't sit still"

My simple reply was "I see you're still as judgemental as you use to be and continue to misunderstand children"

Ironically my DS is not quiet - he's quiet socially but is always talking to himself, his Ipad or generally making low level noises. He does sit very well now.
Most importantly thanks to the correct support he's getting is doing extremely well in school and is part way towards a diagnosis of ASD.

OP posts:

Report

Lilacroses · 09/11/2013 15:18

I'm a teacher claig and I never get that response from parents or ex pupils but then I a polite, courteous and kind to them...I don't insult them by saying basically "oh I see you haven't changed"!

claig · 09/11/2013 15:22

"She then said "your much quieter than you use to be but I see you still don't sit still"

She was trying to be friendly and she didn't say "oh", it was the OP's DS who said "oh" when OP told him it was his old teacher.

Goldmandra · 09/11/2013 15:22

Why is it ok for an adult to say that to a child? Op had every right to defend her son.

Exactly.

The OP made a similar comment to the teacher to the one which had been made to her son. It is no more rude because it is made to an adult.

Marshy · 09/11/2013 15:22

Claig the child was unwell and she passed an uninvited and negative comment about his inability to sit still, and got pulled up on it by his mother.

She needs to be a bit less free with her uninvited opinions

claig · 09/11/2013 15:24

'I'm a teacher claig and I never get that response from parents or ex pupils but then I a polite, courteous and kind to them'

Have you never told a child off in class?

LondonMother · 09/11/2013 15:27

Claig, did you miss the bit where OP said her son has tonsillitis and has been extremely ill? Also the bit where she explained that he is well on the way to a diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, classic symptom of which is problems with social communication?

claig · 09/11/2013 15:27

'She needs to be a bit less free with her uninvited opinions'

I think the OP needs to be more polite and less willing to take offence at what I read to be an attempt to connect and be friendly with a former pupil who spent 1 year in her class.

Saying someone doesn't sit still isn't negative - it can mean that they are full of energy and vitality and life and like lots of other lively young children

Goldmandra · 09/11/2013 15:27

Have you never told a child off in class?

You can manage behaviour appropriately while still being polite, courteous and kind.

Lilacroses · 09/11/2013 15:27

Even if it was meant as a little joke it was inappropriate and unkind because the child was ill and she had spent a year being completely negative about him. Obviously if she'd been a great teacher and liked each other the situation would've been different but why add that little dig? If she'd just stopped at "how's junior school? Sorry you're pooorly hope you feel better soon" Op wouldn't have responded the way she did.

youarewinning · 09/11/2013 15:28

claig he has social difficulties. He answers fine to most questions regarding feelings - he doesn't have emotional language but is having support from SALT. He also has tonsillitis, had slept for nearly 36 hours, hadn't eaten anything and had a raging temperature. I'm not sure most adults could muster up more than a one word answer under those circumstances.
BTW - I am a teacher. Not yet of children I am doing that training when DS starts secondary. I'm a teacher of behavioural management for pupils with SN to teachers and clinical pyschs, ed pyschs etc. The very people who are helping or in this teachers case should have been helping my DS.

I will admit to holding a grudge against her. I didn't realise I did until she made comment on him - comparing him to the 4yo he was. I think even if he was NT its unfair to compare a 9yo to when they were 4yo.

I actually had thought after that IHBU. But coming here and seeing most MNers think my initial thought and response was fair enough - I'm glad I did say it now. I just wish DS had been conscious enough to witness me standing up for him

OP posts:

claig · 09/11/2013 15:29

'did you miss the bit where OP said her son has tonsillitis and has been extremely ill?'

That is no excuse for rudeness.

Yes, I missed the bit about ASD and that could explain it, however it doesn't explain OP's rudeness.

Lilacroses · 09/11/2013 15:30

This isn't about telling a child off in class! Of course I have, I do it every day! But if I see them in town at the weekend or some years later I don't make little digs at them about it!

LondonMother · 09/11/2013 15:31

It is every excuse for saying almost nothing. When a child is very ill - in fact, when anyone is very ill - there is no spare energy for chitchat. Why interpret a very brief response from a feverish child as rudeness?

Are you the teacher, in fact?

claig · 09/11/2013 15:31

' but why add that little dig? If she'd just stopped at "how's junior school? Sorry you're pooorly hope you feel better soon"'

Because she wanted to make a connection, to go back to when she taught him years ago and to when he was in her class for 1 whole year. She was trying to make a link, not trying to have a go.

Lilacroses · 09/11/2013 15:31

Should you NEVER be impolite then Claig? No matter how rude someone is to you or your child?

Marshy · 09/11/2013 15:32

I think in the context it would be difficult to interpret the 'can't sit still' comment as anything but negative.

It was inappropriate and she was told by the mother.

claig · 09/11/2013 15:33

'Are you the teacher, in fact?'

No, I am not. If I had been teh teacher, I would have told OP what I thought of her rudeness there and then.

SantanaLopez · 09/11/2013 15:33

I think you were overly rude.

claig · 09/11/2013 15:35

"Should you NEVER be impolite then Claig? No matter how rude someone is to you or your child?"

Of course you should. If I was that teacher I would have been impolite after what was sad to me.

But you should not be impolite when there is no reason for it and you should try not to misconstrue what someone else says and read it the wrong way and if you do make that mistake, then you should apologise.

Goldmandra · 09/11/2013 15:36

I'm glad I did say it now.

I agree.

She may be retired but she still has plenty of time to benefit from going home and reflecting on why a parent would feel the need to respond as you did.

Goldmandra · 09/11/2013 15:38

But you should not be impolite when there is no reason for it and you should try not to misconstrue what someone else says and read it the wrong way and if you do make that mistake, then you should apologise.

I don't think the OP misconstrued anything.

SunshineMMum · 09/11/2013 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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claig · 09/11/2013 15:39

'I think even if he was NT its unfair to compare a 9yo to when they were 4yo. '

But people often do compare like that because it is affectionate. They say things like you a re still as cheeky as you were then, and it is affectionate and personal and creates a common bond and a link.

claig · 09/11/2013 15:42

'I will admit to holding a grudge against her. I didn't realise I did until she made comment on him - comparing him to the 4yo he was. I think even if he was NT its unfair to compare a 9yo to when they were 4yo.

I actually had thought after that IHBU. But coming here and seeing most MNers think my initial thought and response was fair enough - I'm glad I did say it now.'

Even the OP thought she had gone too far and had been unreasonable and her first reaction was right, she had been unreasonable. She made a mistake and people make mistakes and she made it because she held a grudge that she didn't even realise that she held, but let's hope she doesn't treat other people like this again because her first reaction was right, she was unreasonable.

Marshy · 09/11/2013 15:42

I think the teacher made the mistake of seeing herself still somewhat in the teacher role in relation to this child. Thing is that she isn't - things have moved on and it was not her place to pass comment on his behaviour.

In doing so she opened up the opportunity for the op to pass a comment also.

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