Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to give a statement re abuse

36 replies

MillyONaire · 08/11/2013 14:27

30 years ago I was one of many children who were in the care of a man who thought it was perfectly okay to put his hand down kids knickers and have a feel. In my case that was "all" he did (over two years), I don't know if he went further with others. I also know he didn't do it to every child in his care. One of the other people involved is trying to bring a case against this man and afaik many people have come forward to give statements - including some who witnessed the incidences. My feeling is that I am over this - it did have an affect on me in the years after but not any more. Also this man is very old now. I feel that it should have been tackled 20/30 years ago (other adults were told about it) and it's too late now. AIBU to not want anything to do with it now? While I am comfortable with how I feel I have a niggling feeling that I am shirking my responsibility.....I need some perspective!

OP posts:
SparklyFucker · 08/11/2013 14:30

YANBU to feel the feelings you have, they're your's, and they're real. But do I personally think you are shirking your responsibility? Yes, I do. If you're so 'over it' then giving a statement will take just a couple of hours of your time if that, and you can walk away from it again at any point. If you're not so 'over it' as you claim then perhaps tapping into the potential support network that a case might open up is no bad thing?

LaurieFairyCake · 08/11/2013 14:34

Your statement will add to an overall picture and will help others who may otherwise struggle to be believed.

I know you say he's really old now - that doesn't excuse him from punishment.

MrsKoala · 08/11/2013 14:36

Something very similar happened to me when i was young. And while i am 'at peace' with it and wouldn't go to the authorities to initiate proceedings, if someone asked me the facts of what happened and to make a statement to support their case i would. While proceeding with a case against him is not right for me, it may help someone else reconcile themselves with it and i would do everything in my power to help someone in those circumstances.

DoJo · 08/11/2013 14:37

I agree that YANBU to feel as though this is a part of your life which you have dealt with and don't want to revisit, but I also think that if you have REALLY dealt with it then it shouldn't be a hardship to help those who haven't. You seem to believe that you were lucky that the abuse wasn't more serious (although heaven knows that is serious enough) but for those who may have suffered more, for a more prolonged period of time and for whom it is still blighting their lives, then I can see why they might think YABU for not supporting their efforts to bring this man to justice. The fact that he is old is neither here nor there to my mind - that he has been allowed to get away with what he did for so long is a crime in itself so seeing justice done before he dies might be the only hope some of the people have for any closure. If you were a family member of someone who was still suffering the after effects of his abuse, I am sure you would want everyone who could to stand up and be counted in order to make the case as strong as possible. Perhaps thinking of it like that could help you make a decision?

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 08/11/2013 14:37

I'm sorry, but I think you have a responsibility to get involved, for all the people who haven't been able to deal with it as you have. His age is immaterial, except to say, that this might be the last opportunity. If he dies before justice has been done, how much worse for his (other) victims?

Andro · 08/11/2013 14:42

YANBU to feel what you do. Would going back over your history be detrimental to you do you think? There is argument of collective responsibility, but equally I don't think any abuse survivor should be branded unreasonable for doing what they need to do in order to go in with their life.

KissesBreakingWave · 08/11/2013 14:49

It's fine not to want to - I don't doubt for a minute you'd much rather it stayed in the past - but contributing to the doing of justice is a positive duty, however unpleasant you may find it. Deep breath, brace up, and do it.

fromparistoberlin · 08/11/2013 14:52

How yukky for you, poor OP

I think the problem is, whilkst you are at peace, some people clearly are not. They need and want justice, and you play a powerful role in this.

I think you should be the bigger person here and help testify

I am pleased you are OK about it though Thanks

ThisWayForCrazy · 08/11/2013 15:04

If you are at peace then surely you could support the others? I have been in a similar position. Whilst I am unaffected I couldn't not support someone else in their quest to deal with it.

FreudiansSlipper · 08/11/2013 15:07

have you given it any thought as to why you feel you are over it but do not want to give a statement do you fear it may bring up feelings again

as you say he is old but that does not mean he is no longer abusing

it is a difficult thing to do and a difficult choice, the feeling of it should have been dealt with before, anger around that could that be stopping you

there is no right or wrong but for you to be ok with the decision you are making. Many many people are going through this now :(

Anchoress · 08/11/2013 15:17

I was abused as a child by a very elderly man in a hospital ward, so I wouldn't let his age be a guarantee of harmlessness.

OP, no one should be telling abuse survivors what they 'should' do. However, as you seem to be in a sane, well-balanced place about the abuse, I think it would be a useful contribution to a legal case if you could give a statement, if it wouldn't distress you horribly....

Even if a prosecution is never made, there may be other victims of the same abuser wondering if they imagined /exaggerated it, and someone who is able to be clear about what happened to her might help them come to terms with the memory.

But you shouldn't feel guilt-tripped into acting.

kali110 · 08/11/2013 15:20

Think you should do whatever you feel you should

Alanna1 · 08/11/2013 15:28

Suppose he somehow has contact with other young girls still? Or gets the opportunity somehow?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/11/2013 15:33

It can only be your decision and there is no right or wrong. You were abused by him and any of us trying now to tell you what you must do about it would be taking away your control over the issue.

I wonder why you posted as you know that some of the responses will suggest you should give a statement. It did make me think that you had parked the issue somewhere safe rather than dealt with it.

Its a tough one and good luck with your decision.

Retroformica · 08/11/2013 17:41

He is an abuser. Despite being old its very likely he will be abusing still.

WooWooOwl · 08/11/2013 17:46

You are not shirking your responsibility. The only responsibility you have is to yourself, you are not responsible for other people, just because you were in the same place at the same time when you were children.

It is not up to you to upset yourself over something you have laid to rest in your own mind because of what an abuser has done.

It is entirely your decision, and no one has any right to try and influence you either way.

gobbynorthernbird · 08/11/2013 17:53

YANBU. There was a very recent case where a lady was giving evidence against her abuser, after someone else had reported the abuse, she wasn't mentally strong enough to cope and committed suicide. You need to make the decision that is best for you.

MrsDeVere · 08/11/2013 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nothingbyhalves · 08/11/2013 18:13

There was a case involving something similar that came to court last week. One person refused to give a statement for the same reason you gave. The guy got off. She now has to live with the knowledge he is still free to continue abusing children.
How would you feel if your child was abused by someone who could have been in prison if only someone had come forward? Sorry if I sound harsh but you have a responsibility to other potential victims.

Sorry you went through it all.

gobbynorthernbird · 08/11/2013 18:42

The only person who holds any responsibility is the abuser. How fucking dare anybody say otherwise?

CoffeeTea103 · 08/11/2013 18:45

Yanbu, all these people saying it's your responsibility, how many have gone through this? Op you have no responsibility to do this. Don't be guilted.

monicalewinski · 08/11/2013 18:55

Agree that your main responsibility is to yourself, but there is strength in numbers with historic cases like this I think?

If you can make a statement which confirms the abuse, but without you having to press your own charges against him, would you feel able to do that? (Not even sure if you can do that though tbh).

Regardless, don't be guilt tripped into doing it if you really don't want to - I am sorry this happened to you and to anyone else and I wish you the best with whatever your final decision is.

RoseRedder · 08/11/2013 19:01

I reported someone and no-one else was prepared to say anything so the upshot was nothing happened and I lost many friends and family members (it was a member of my family) as because there was an investigation, no actual charges were made so everyone thought I was lying and he was innocent.

I was 8 when it happened and 30 when I reported.

If I could go back in time I would never have made the report because the fact that no-one else would evidence left me looking like a fool.

It is not ok for a man to put his hands down your pants and if you truely are over it, and can mentally deal with it, please give your statement and help bring this man to justice.

Times are changing and what once would have been ignored is now being listened too however that does require the people effected to come forward, and the more that do the louder the voice gets Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/11/2013 19:06

I was peripherally involved in a case like this. I watched a friend of mine listen to other friends saying that nothing can have happened, it didn't to them. Your statement might help someone like my friend. I don't think you should be guilted into it, just understand that other people might rely on other people's statements to be believed. Being believed is very important.

Caitlin17 · 08/11/2013 19:15

You are not being unreasonable in not wanting to get involved but where you are being unreasonable is by not making your statement you potentially diminish the evidence of those who do speak out. Maybe it's just you but what if it were 20 or 30 like you?

The 70s were a horrible time for sexual politics, groping women, making suggestive remarks etc, and women just put up with it. I'm less inclined to make anything of some sad git who copped a feel of a grown up 30 years' ago. Of course it was wrong, but this is different. Even in the horrible, sexist, misogynistic 70s and 80s no one thought what happened to you was anything other than wrong. Time passing here has no bearing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread