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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 year old DD smoking cannabis - AIBU ground her indefinitely? What to do?

40 replies

InsanityandBeyond · 08/11/2013 10:48

She has been getting if off some older 'men' (18-20 year olds) that she knows through her best friend. She has smoked it 3 times now apparently. I said that once is experimenting but 3 times is the beginning of a habit.

She has been spending time at this 20 year old's flat after college (a group of them) and they have been passing around spliffs (sic).

I am beyond furious although I am holding it in! DH and I have told her that we are thankful she has told us but we don't want her associating with these people and I will now drive her to and from college and other than that she is grounded until she shows some maturity and finds a part time job.

I have also impressed on her that these older boys are probably 'grooming her' and we really don't want her to be in a position she can't handle.

She is very immature and very easily led by peer pressure. Her best friend sleeps around, drinks and has done harder drugs (DD tells me everything) and DD feels she is missing out . I feel sorry for this girl as she has a chaotic homelife and I think DD does too but she agrees she needs to distance herself from her. DD has not had a boyfriend yet as she is quite shy and self conscious although utterly gorgeous and this has been a big bone of contention for her.

She did very badly in her GCSE's due to not taking them seriously and has had to do a lower level college course which she needs to pass with distinction to get on the next course that she really wanted and I am not going to allow her to fuck it up by becoming a 'pot head'.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 08/11/2013 10:56

she TOLD you? that's really a very good thing and a big deal. You should be very proud of your relationship because that demonstrates trust and great maturity tbh
if she wants to go down that route there is not a lot you will be able to do to snap her out of it. I don't mean to sound flippant because this is obviously a serious issue but the fact she told you means she probably doesn't really want to anyway.

Trust her. At 16 she is so nearly an adult.
I do get why you grounded her and (I say this as a teen of the type your dd is friends with) I wish my parents had cared enough to try and show me boundaries. But you need to let her make her own choices. Is she on the pill?

MrsKoala · 08/11/2013 11:08

Well, personally, as a WWYD, i wouldn't do anything. I would just give her information on dope smoking - how it can be harmful (including the nicotine used in joints) also how it can affect your mood and make you really boring . But for me it wouldn't be a big deal at all. I smoked it at that age as did everyone i know. My parents knew. I see drugs as a normal part of experimenting and growing up and shouldn't be made more exotic by being taboo. Everyone i knew just grew out of it.

popperdoodles · 08/11/2013 11:09

Agree the fact she tells you all of this is just fantastic and the last thing you want to happen is for there to be a big over reaction and them she never tell you anything again. Keeping that open communication is more important that stopping her hanging out with older boys or the odd spliff.

Original poster

InsanityandBeyond · 08/11/2013 11:09

Thanks for replying CocacolaMum. She's not on the pill as I would rather she used condoms anyway to prevent STD's and when she gets into a serious relationship, she can decide if she wants to go on it then.

I am very glad she can tell me stuff (in direct contrast to my relationship with my mother) but I am worried this will turn into a slippery slope and am not sure what to do other than ground her.

She wants to go to a party tonight. She has told me before that there has been drug taking at other parties she's been to (these have been house parties for 16/17 olds [shock)). I have said she is not going.

OP posts:

Haggischucker · 08/11/2013 11:11

I did very similar at her age but that was 20 years ago! Agree that it is excellent that she told you (I didn't tell my parents I can tell you!) so she clearly is reaching out for help to change.

Don't be too hard on her though, I agree to grounding and education around the non joys of cannibas but you could also use as an opportunity to engage in new hobby or similar as a positive spin.

I broke away from the gang naturally when I went off to uni and to be fair they all turned out not too bad in the end (Facebook stalker)

Suppose what I'm trying to say is that she's experimenting like any other teenager but the great thing is that she feels she can talk to you about it so I would suggest staying sensible, keep the lines of communication open and support her to have a positive outcome. Good luck :)

Thymeout · 08/11/2013 11:14

If she is immature and easily led by peer pressure, and has already made bad choices in messing up her GCSE's, I think she needs as much help as you can practically give her in avoiding situations where she will be at risk. The after-school situation with the 20 yr olds is v worrying. Some 16 yr olds might be as mature as 18 yr olds. Others will be more like 14 yr olds, and it sounds as if your dd falls into the latter category. And what she is doing is illegal. You can't just let it go.

YANB.

Coca if you wish your parents had cared enough to try to show you boundaries, why do you think OP is wrong to do the same?

CocacolaMum · 08/11/2013 11:17

Thyme. I said I could see why she had grounded her but that her dd was almost an adult so she needed to trust her too. Where did I say she was wrong?

Original poster

InsanityandBeyond · 08/11/2013 11:17

OK, good to get it from other's perspectives. Maybe I don't need to panic so much! Perhaps I'm being a bit overprotective and need to calm down!

OP posts:

wherethewildthingis · 08/11/2013 11:19

I am reading this on a break at a conference on child sexual exploitation. The worrying bit for me is the older guys. You need to keep your daughter away from them, whatever it takes. If they are grooming her, this is the start. It's so good that she has told you.

Thymeout · 08/11/2013 11:22

Coca. Your advice to 'trust her' and let her make her own choices seemed to contradict the idea of setting boundaries. Sorry if I've misrepresented you.

WilsonFrickett · 08/11/2013 11:22

I absolutely understand that you are shocked and upset but I can't get my head round the notion of grounding a 16 yo. She is an adult - albeit a young, immature one - but an adult all the same.

If she says 'right mum, I'm off to this party tonight' what are you going to do? Lock her in her room? Are you going to continue driving her to school as if she was 5?

Like I say, I get it, but I think your sanctions are both inappropriate and impractical. I also think they won't help her mature and make better choices - all you are doing is taking the element of choice away.

I think you need to take some time and really think about this. Have a look on the web for some alternative thoughts, there is lots of drug information there for parents and teens which doesn't start with 'don't take drugs'. Work on building her confidence. Keep her busy. Facilitate activities that will bring her into contact with different peers. Above all keep talking - the fact she's told you this means you have done brilliantly with her.

I know she's your baby, but she's 16. Would it be so terrible if she had (consensual) sex with an 18 yo?

The other alternative is she's out of her depth and wants you to ground her to get her out of going round to her friend's flat, in that case please feel free to ignore the above and ground away!

Dededum · 08/11/2013 11:24

When I was 17 I smoked dope with a 28 /30 year old - they were my friends, they were not 'grooming' me and I never slept with any of them. They had jobs but they could have been a bit more go Getting. I liked them because they loved music and through them I got a thorough grounding in popular music, jazz, folk. Not every young man is only interested in getting in young girls knickers. Keep talking, ask her why she likes her friends. My biggest concern would be her getting in cars, we used to drink a lot and then someone would drive. Maybe things have changed.

Anyway still got A,A, B at A levels despite inappropriate friends, dope and 8 pints on a Saturday night. Those were the days NOT.

WilsonFrickett · 08/11/2013 11:26

But wildthings the OP's DD is not a child. While there has rightly been lots of focus on grooming and sexual exploitation recently, 18 yo's have been trying to get 16 yo's to sleep with them since the dawn of time, and they often use the fact they can get them a joint or booze to do so. Not particularly savoury perhaps, but not at all the same thing as grooming.

When I was 16 I didn't hang round with boys my own age, I don't know anyone who did. We all went at least two years up because older boys were 'more mature'.

I want to make it clear I am not minimising grooming and sexual exploitation at all. Just that OP can't know that's what it is. Going to an older friend's flat to hang out, smoke a couple of joints, drink dry martini and maybe get a snog off Martin from the sixth year is what teens do.

NotYoMomma · 08/11/2013 11:27

if she is easily lead then I would reconsider the pill thing as I remember an ex trying to get me to try without a condom 'just once'

I said no thank God

its fantastic that she told you

CoffeeTea103 · 08/11/2013 11:27

I agree with you op, you do need to make a big deal of this. It is so easy for her to go down the other route and all what you have described gives her all the access to do it. I disagree with her telling you showing maturity, it also might be that she doesn't care and will do it whether you know or not.
The wrong crowd, wrong influences, bad school results, all of that is a recipe for bigger problems down the road. You have just a few years before she will probably leave home, so you need to do everything you can now.

CocacolaMum · 08/11/2013 11:28

Fair point and maybe it does a bit contradictory but what I meant was that she had to stay with the middle ground they seem to have found here.
DD feels comfortable enough to be open and honest with OP, to then react to that by simply grounding her it doesn't really feel like the appropriate thing to do with someone who frankly is old enough to be legally responsible for another life. There really isn't an easy answer - at least give dd the opportunity to decide for herself not to go before saying you won't let her I think is what I am trying to say. If its a decision led by dd it will have more of a long term impact than if you ground her.

stickysausages · 08/11/2013 11:29

YANBU.

I agree it's great she told you, but what did she think would happen when she did? Surely she expected consequences??

I agree with you & what you're doing, she is only 16!

Besides the tobacco risks, there are also links between cannabis use & mental health issues in young people, it's not harmless!

TheXxed · 08/11/2013 11:32

BOUNDARIES!!!! I have seen this happen to many of my peers and it doesn't end well, by telling you she is reaching out for help.

Stay on her case, she needs you to watch out for her because she is finding it difficult to make the right decision. This is when she needs you most.

DameDeepRedBetty · 08/11/2013 11:35

But Debedum OP has already said her dd has fallen behind where she should have been with her GCSEs, and as a result hasn't been able to take the course she wanted at 16+.

Some 14 year olds have the savvy of an adult. Some 19 year olds are as easily led as a new born lamb. OP is right to want to help her dd avoid temptation at this stage.

Disclaimer - I've seen cannabis psychosis. Yes a lot of people grow out of experimenting. Some don't.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/11/2013 11:35

When my ds2 was smoking the stuff I got him to do a project on the effects, the feeling of smoking it, long term effects, mh issues etc. He soon stopped.
Tell her the truth, she will soon not want to do it and if you cut her money, nobody will fund her habit for free.

DazzleU · 08/11/2013 11:40

I would talk to her about the risks increased risk of mental health issues - though I think it's minimal risk overall it doubles the tiny risk, issues with smoking and how pot can reduce you motivational drives.

Perhaps try discretely to minimize contact with these people - not easy at 16 - but get her into other activities or encourage her to get a job minimizing her spare time?

I would also get her on the Pill but emphasizes she must use condoms as well despite what ever pressure she comes under and explain why.

bigbrick · 08/11/2013 11:41

It's great she can talk to you and by doing so has made a route out of being with people who take drugs and this route is you. You need to say no to the parties and no to her associating with these people. She can then blame it on you and this takes the pressure off her. She needs a strong direction to get on in life. Drugs will ruin her plans and chance to get on well. Stop her being with this people and get her working hard at college and on the road to success.

SeaSickSal · 08/11/2013 12:05

YABVU to think it's up to you what contraception she uses!

greeneyes1978 · 08/11/2013 12:10

I think she has told you because she feels out of her depth and is looking to you to take control of the situation - which you have done. I would also either get her into a part time job or other activities such as venture scouts. This may seem patronising towards her but I think she obviously requires more parental help than others her age. I would also make it clear you are not punishing her, just trying to keep her safe.

DazzleU · 08/11/2013 12:19

YABVU to think it's up to you what contraception she uses!

I would actively encourage and make it as easy as possible for her to get on the pill and have access to condoms. I don't think you can do more than that with a 16 year old.

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