16 year old DD smoking cannabis - AIBU ground her indefinitely? What to do?

[InsanityandBeyond]

She has been getting if off some older 'men' (18-20 year olds) that she knows through her best friend. She has smoked it 3 times now apparently. I said that once is experimenting but 3 times is the beginning of a habit.

She has been spending time at this 20 year old's flat after college (a group of them) and they have been passing around spliffs (sic).

I am beyond furious although I am holding it in! DH and I have told her that we are thankful she has told us but we don't want her associating with these people and I will now drive her to and from college and other than that she is grounded until she shows some maturity and finds a part time job.

I have also impressed on her that these older boys are probably 'grooming her' and we really don't want her to be in a position she can't handle.

She is very immature and very easily led by peer pressure. Her best friend sleeps around, drinks and has done harder drugs (DD tells me everything) and DD feels she is missing out . I feel sorry for this girl as she has a chaotic homelife and I think DD does too but she agrees she needs to distance herself from her. DD has not had a boyfriend yet as she is quite shy and self conscious although utterly gorgeous and this has been a big bone of contention for her.

She did very badly in her GCSE's due to not taking them seriously and has had to do a lower level college course which she needs to pass with distinction to get on the next course that she really wanted and I am not going to allow her to fuck it up by becoming a 'pot head'.

AIBU? WWYD?

I'm so glad my dd is through that phase now.

I didn't do consequences when my dd told me she'd smoked cannabis. I knew it would make it all the more attractive to her. I explained the dangers, gave her some anecdotal evidence I had from friends who had really bad experiences with prolonged usage. And let her make her own mind up because, at the end of the day, I really wouldn't be able to stop her.

She has seen a number of her friends hospitalised from drug abuse. It has put her right off and she doesn't bother with it any more at all. She's 18, likes the occasional drink but doesn't go over the top. One of her old friends was a really lovely intelligent girl - now she's a heroin addict.

OP I think this is much more than the cannabis smoking. Your dd needs to feel confident in herself enough to be able to say 'no' to a number of things - drugs, unprotected sex, excessive drinking. She also sounds like she could do with some new friends as the one's she has sound like they will use her. Are there any other friendships you could encourage? Any activities she enjoys?

I don't necessarily think grooming is what's happening, and accept that at 16 she is older...however I would be very, very cautious about this. Does the OP know for sure the ages of the guys or anything else about them? Agree it sounds like she daughter is trying to reach out for some help, or why say anything?
Many of us will remember doing stuff like this and it being fun, exciting and positive. Many others will remember abusive encounters at that age which may have harmed them for life.
If it was my daughter I would be taking some very firm action.

I test my children now after an incident, I got some tests from www.conoor.co.uk/cannabis-marijuana-home-drug-testing.html

it'll be legal in a couple of years

She's an immature 16y who obviously has told her DM because she wants help.

Your not open with your parents unless you want boundaries, you want to be able to tell people your not allowed to come, you can't come your allowance has been cut.

Strict parents are very handy things to hide behind.

I have a almost 16y DD, I certainly would discuss contraception with her and I'd expect her to tell me where she's going, who with and when she'll be back until she leaves home.

I certainly did! My dad would have grounded me for life and I doubt I'd have been allowed out of his sight to go to university if I'd ever touched a spliff.

Conversely, because he trusted me my DDad collected me from all sorts of far flung rural discos and gave me pocket money he knew was spent on booze (our pubs served from 14), despite the fact he didn't drink more than a glass of wine a fortnight.

so good that she tells you. Rather than grounding, try to get into her head that it is time to think about growing up.

frank talking follows:

• she's a person, not a sheep. Just because stupid friend thinks her behaviour is 'adult' when it is just a slow way of jumping off a cliff, why should she do the same?
• drugs are for losers who can't get any fun any other way.
• peer pressure is also for losers.
• several STDs are not curable even now. Others will risk her fertility. If she wants the choice of babies later she needs to be selective about her sexual partners, because so many in the age group have chlamydia or worse.
• no normal 20 year old man will be interested in a 16 year old. They aren't after her sparkling conversation, just what is between her legs. She is better than that.

any chance of her finding something better to do with her time? Sport, sociable hobby with interesting people rather than druggies?

Sex, fine, her choice but I get very angry when people treat cannabis use the same as having a herbal tea. I work with people that suffer from young-adult onset paranoid schizophrenia and schizoid personalities. Again and again there is a history of cannabis use. 30-40 or more people will be ok after it's use but then there is one that will suddenly start talking to people that are not there, rocking in the corner of the room and examining the back of their hands for hours on end. Thinking their families are trying to kill them and eventually ending up in secure care.

Ultimately she will do what she wants but please give her as much literature on cannabis effects as possible. You will have people poo pooing the effects, saying these people would have got ill anyway, possibly, but it is a reoccurring theme. Too much of a risk to be taken so lightly from my in my opinion.

OP i haven't read every reply i'm afraid but first thoughts are can you get her critically thinking about what kind of 20yos would want to hang out with 16yo girls getting them stoned?

i'd get her talking about what they were like, what they were doing with their lives, why they liked her friend, whether her friend seemed happy or a bit lost and desperate etc.

ideally with your help she can see for herself that these guys are dodgy and undesirable and that the route they represent isn't one she wants to go down. i'd also say that if she recognises her friends life is messy then say ok well why don't we say she is always welcome to come here but that you won't be going into dodgy situations with her? i sort of feel that having her empathise with how wrong things can/could go with her friend will help her to distance herself from the same behaviours and see herself as lucky and in a position to help her friend with an alternative route rather than just follow her into it thinking it's cool.

i wonder if there's a way to expose her to decent 18-20 year old men who wouldn't be hanging around with 16yos giving them drugs? raising her standards and seeing them for what they are could help.

basically if she can move to a point of feeling sorry for her friend rather than envious and feeling disdainful for these men rather than looking up to them in theory everything else would fall into place.

I agree with the other posters saying that she has told you, because she wants you to intervene, and possibly, make some decisions for her.

I would be sitting down calmly and having a discussion with her, and asking her what outcome she wants from the situation, and what she thinks are acceptable boundaries, and how you might do something about it, together.

Does she have other friends outside of this group? I would be encouraging other, more healthy friendships if possible.

I would give her information on pregnancy, STDs and show her some of the story's of people who were to heavily into drugs in there teens.

My cousin did drugs from 15 and he is know 29 and unable to leave the house because he is so paranoid someone is trying to hurt him.

Be glad she told you, that's a big deal. It's hard for you because you don't want her to be worried about coming to you in the future?

Just lurking and reading with interest as I am in a very similar position with 15yo DS. He has slapped been open and honest with me but makes no bones about the fact that he doesn't want to stop smoking cannabis. Just wanted to say that you are not alone OP, but I don't have any advice I'm sorry.

I smoke weed when I was younger. For me it never escalated into any other drugs. I was far more scared about the possibility of immediate death than long term health issues.

Of all the people I hung out with, older guys too by up to 5 years, they've all eventually turned out to be normal people with the exception of one. Despite others doing every drug under the sun and living well after, he only smoked pot and still does at 30. His poor parents can't do anything but sit and watch him waste his life. He has no job, no prospects and is content to live like this.

I'm not saying your DD will end up like him. Most don't. I'd be far more worried about other drugs out there and making her aware of the dangers of them and of situations she may find herself if she's under the influence.

I do think at 16 you can still be punished. However you have a very open relationship and I'd be wary of jeopardising that by coming down too harshly.

A child telling her Mother she has done drugs is a cry for help in my opinion. She knows these people are bad for her but she cant excape them.
Keep her in (she is only 16 and she will thank you later) Invite other suitable friends over to show her that the other friends are not the only people in her life.
Softer drugs lead to harder drugs.