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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU the inlaws and oh !

30 replies

mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 22:41

hi , this is along complicated story so please bare with me.

me and my other are expecting our first baby , however complications have arisen and she is very poorly :( ... today I spoke with the specialist who has giving her a 20 percent survival rate and she will defiantly be in neonatal intensive care for a while and receive surgery.

firstly , his mum lives far away from where we are but is coming down for a couple of weeks when she is born , today on the phone who is at his mums asked me how many people were allowed at the birth and I said 2 he replied oh so " so me and my mum " ...... erm I replied with no as my mum is going to be there so it will be him and my mum , mum has been super supportive and I feel like I need her.

then we had the whole allocation talk as were only allowed t allocate a certain amount of people to see the baby in nicu ! .... so we had to pick between r fathers .. this came just after a conversation about his dad who lives in Ireland and is a drunk ( were in London ) so he would only if he bothered to come be around for a week max so would be a waste of allocation if you ask me ) he also was complaining because his dad who he hasn't seen in 6 years btw hasn't rang or asked about baby since she was diagnosed and doesn't care. my dad has been at all appointments , travelled from kent , took time of work and rings me every day when I don't have appointments to as if I am ok and is an awesome dad.
so after the convo about his dad I suggested my dad be the allocated one out of the 2 and he went mental at this aswell saying just because his dad doesn't care doesn't mean he is less priority erm can you please be honest AIBU, btw his mum will be an allocated visitor etc and offered her to stay at ours so she can see bubba its just the birth she will not be there for.

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 07/11/2013 22:43

He's being an arse.

What sort of sentence is that just because his dad doesn't care doesn't mean he is less priority ermm I think it does!

Sounds like he's having a power struggle.

YANBU

Sunnysummer · 07/11/2013 22:46

What a challenging time. As I understand it, your plan to have your husband and mum at the birth and then his mum and your dad as allocated visitors afterwards sounds very reasonable.

Really hope that everything works out for you and the baby Thanks

JinglingRexManningDay · 07/11/2013 22:46

First of all hugs to you.

You are the one giving birth,you get to say who you want to have supporting you. If you want your mum then so be it. Its not a spectator sport.

mousmous · 07/11/2013 22:47

yanbu
esp for the birth you need there who can support you best.
but maybe you needto wait for a few days so you can have a proper rational discussion.
his emotions must be all over the place as well.
so sorry that you have to go through it.

waltermittymissus · 07/11/2013 22:51

YANBU! Sorry to hear this and best of luck to you all Flowers

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/11/2013 22:52

This is very upsetting and I'm terribly sorry Flowers

For whatever reason, your DP is not handling this well

Has the hospital offered you any counselling? I would aka for this and discuss this issue as part of that. Hopefully the presence of a neutral third party will help your DP think rationally and treat you kindly - I feel very sad when you say he went "mental" at you

Original poster
mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 22:52

this is whats confusing is how do u allocate 2 people for the whole time I don't even know how to pick from my own parents ( meaning one being his mum ) and have to pick from my 2 who r both so involved and tell them that one of them may never see there grandchild :( .... so I don't see why I would even consider his dad who I have never even met btw, sorry for ranting

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 07/11/2013 22:55

I think you should discuss with the hospital/maternity unit, you should be able to have as many people as you like there. It is a special case and they should make allowances.

This is the last thing you need at a time like this. Thanks

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/11/2013 22:55

Frankly, I don't think his father will actually turn up so you could call his bluff by saying you will allocate your father but if his father dies attend, you can speak to the consultant about varying the rules to allow his father to share with your dad

I suspect that will not be necessary

JinglingRexManningDay · 07/11/2013 23:00

Jesus don't be sorry for ranting,you have every right to be pissed off. I do understand that your dp is in turmoil too but he absolutely should not be taking it out on you.
I'm going to be really morbid and I honestly do not want to upset you sweetheart but if your little girl is not looking good then those who want to see her will get to. You will be given somewhere quiet to hold her. Your mum,dad and your dps mum can all come in. The restriction on visitors to the NICU is to minimise infection to these very vulnerable babies. Maybe if you explain that to the three involved grandparents they will sort it themselves and keep your stress levels down.

Original poster
mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 23:00

see I did get him to agree to my mum being at the birth .. after a while.
I suppose i am frustrated at the 2 allocated visitors as obviously baby has 3 good grandparents and 1 bad one so 4 altogether, so its heart breaking enough to tell my mum she cant visit and then losing my dads visiting too would destroy me x

OP posts:
BatPenguin · 07/11/2013 23:01

Wow what a difficult situation. Your parents sound very supportive and I think it's right that you have your mum there for the birth if that's what you want. I also think it makes sense for your dad to be an allocated visitor and not his - as you said you haven't even heard off his. Yanbu. Your OH is probably embarrassed that his dad has made no effort which would explain him getting arsey about it.
When are you due? So sorry you are going through this stress, positive thoughts to you and your little girl Thanks

Original poster
mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 23:02

jingling i know i wish they would too but everyone is soo frantic, i am about the only calm one right now ! ( god knows how ) xx

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 07/11/2013 23:02

mummy2bilove Please speak to the birth unit, I've known places to make exceptions for special circumstances. Half the time people don't follow the rules away and go in, I did following my friends birth - 6 of us!

BatPenguin · 07/11/2013 23:05

Also, you don't need him to 'agree' to your mum being at the birth! YOU are the one who will be giving birth, it is up to YOU who is there.

Original poster
mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 23:06

strumpetron she will be taken straight to intensive care, so i think they check who goes in and out xx

batpenguin im due on the 28th January, but being induced at 38 weeks so mid jan ( currently 28 weeks ) they only just diagnosed here and trust me that is a whole other AIBU thread to the hospital x

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 07/11/2013 23:12

Oh lovely :( such a horrible situation to be in. Well that 20% is still there, sending my hopes and wishes for you and your little un

DoJo · 07/11/2013 23:47

Oh dear - what a sad time. Do you think he's just trying to exert some kind of control over a situation which must be terrifying for all of you? Perhaps he feels that he will need some support and isn't thinking straight about how important it is for you to feel comfortable. I think you sound like you are handling it all really well considering the awful position you are in, so maybe if he has a little more time to think he will realise that his needs have to come second at least for the time being. I wish you all the best and hope your daughter beats the odds.

Andro · 07/11/2013 23:51

What a horrible situation, I really hope the 20% is in your favour!

Forgive me if I'm being dense though, but with 2 allocations it seem obvious to me that one would go to one of your parents and one would go to one of your OH's parents? Am I missing something here?

YANBU, but your OH's reactions are confusing me.

Original poster
mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 23:51

thank you all for your kind words .. its been a horrific week and trying to process it all is v hard seen as were in diff countries at the moment - which isn't helping x

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy2bilove · 07/11/2013 23:53

andro that's my logic too and i said to him that its easier on him because lets face it his dads an ass so he would pick hi smum anytime of the week over him. one of my parents are going to be devastated but im willing to sacrifice one x

OP posts:
Andro · 07/11/2013 23:56

mummy2bilove - hopefully he's just not engaging brain before opening mouth (the alternative is something you really don't need right now!)

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/11/2013 00:03

OP Ive just commented with my own story on your other thread. TBH, as unreasonable as your OH is being, I can kind of see that he is just looking for some kind of control. His behaviour is wrong, but he is just a bystander ATM, and it must be hard. He's got no control over the situation, you're carrying her and the medics have control of the treatment. My own DP walked round like a stunned rabbit for some time after our DD's diagnosis. I second the suggestion of counselling, and suggest giving him time. My DP is perfectly rational and a tower of strength, now!
Everything is up in the air now, its a proper muddle and a shock to both of you, let the medics sort out diagnosis and potential treatment, talk to the nicu staff, and get a better idea of what is happening and then sit down and talk.
Big hugs to you all. x

Chottie · 08/11/2013 04:33

First of all Flowers

You and your DP are going through a really difficult emotional time that few of us will ever experience. At this really difficult time you need to be surrounded by a cocoon of loving, caring people who will give you the support you need to see you through.

I hope you manage to resolve this, you certainly don't need all extra stress at the moment. I really hope that all goes well for you and your LO.

ImTenAPenny · 08/11/2013 07:08

You need all the support you can get
And so does your dp but he can get that from his dm or not so df outside of the hospital.
He might not be engaging his brain but wanting one or both his parents there at the birth and nicu and not your supportive parents is silly and almost like he his trying to get some control.

You should stick to your guns that your df and his dm come to nicu.
It's very fair and I'm sure your dm will treasure the memory of your dc birth.
Your dp df hasn't no right to be there if he has been non existent in your life.
So yanbu