AIBU the inlaws and oh !

[mummy2bilove]

hi , this is along complicated story so please bare with me.

me and my other are expecting our first baby , however complications have arisen and she is very poorly :( ... today I spoke with the specialist who has giving her a 20 percent survival rate and she will defiantly be in neonatal intensive care for a while and receive surgery.

firstly , his mum lives far away from where we are but is coming down for a couple of weeks when she is born , today on the phone who is at his mums asked me how many people were allowed at the birth and I said 2 he replied oh so " so me and my mum " ...... erm I replied with no as my mum is going to be there so it will be him and my mum , mum has been super supportive and I feel like I need her.

then we had the whole allocation talk as were only allowed t allocate a certain amount of people to see the baby in nicu ! .... so we had to pick between r fathers .. this came just after a conversation about his dad who lives in Ireland and is a drunk ( were in London ) so he would only if he bothered to come be around for a week max so would be a waste of allocation if you ask me ) he also was complaining because his dad who he hasn't seen in 6 years btw hasn't rang or asked about baby since she was diagnosed and doesn't care. my dad has been at all appointments , travelled from kent , took time of work and rings me every day when I don't have appointments to as if I am ok and is an awesome dad.
so after the convo about his dad I suggested my dad be the allocated one out of the 2 and he went mental at this aswell saying just because his dad doesn't care doesn't mean he is less priority erm can you please be honest AIBU, btw his mum will be an allocated visitor etc and offered her to stay at ours so she can see bubba its just the birth she will not be there for.

In royal Manchester children hospital, it is two visitors at a time. One must be a parent an one other person but you can change that person as much as you like. Ie when my son was first born myself an mum visited him.then a hour or so later myself an his father visited him (not together) next day my sister came with me (was in wheelchair at this time.after 15 mins she switch with my brother. Only rule that was strictly adhere to was only parents allowed to touch the baby whilst in intensive care section once he moved over to high dependency they were allowed to hold him there.my one piece of advice whilst dealing with the heartbreaking news that your child has a condition or birth defect. It's ok to cry scream shout now.it ok to grieve for the loss of the healthy baby you dream off. Doesnt mean you love your baby any less it means your grieving for being able to take her home the next day having that first cuddle straight after but believe I'm three years down the road. You really need people to talk to who understand that might be times your irrationally angry at a other situation whilst coming to terms with it. My heart breaks for you as I remember all to well them horrible months after finding out x

I think you need to stop trying to negotiate this for a little while.

You and your DH need to take a couple of weeks or more to get your heads round the news you've had, support each other and think about how you're going to cope together with what is just around the corner. You're not in a good place to have the conversation about allocations at the moment while your emotions are running high and you have so much to come to terms with.

When you've had a little time to process the situation you are in, go and talk to the hospital again, explain the situation and ask them how much flexibility there can be in this system and in what circumstances.

Then you can come home with a bit more information and with your heads a little bit straighter and work out how you think you're going to do this. By then things might fall into place a little more easily.

Are your parents together? Could you ask them to work out between them which one will have their allocation?

I'm so sorry for your situation.

Of course you need your mum with you this birth is going to be emotionally difficult its not all about the excitement of a new baby you are going to need a lot of support too and that means your mum over his its only natural.

In regards to neo natal care be prepared that you don't want anyone there other than you and your OH, it's natural to be possessive especially under the circumstances. The most important thing is for you both to bond with the baby. Other people and their needs just aren't important during that time.

Your OH wanting his family around is understandable too because he may need support but not feel able to be vulnerable around your family. But that doesn't mean they need to be at the hospital too they could be near by for when he needs them.

This is an awful situation for you to be in.

One thing I know they won't allow at all is for a drunk grandfather to visit the NICU. If OH's DF does come, he will need to be sober.

I do agree that you and OH need counselling as a matter of urgency.

Firstly, I am so sorry you are both facing something so scary.

These people may be able to offer some support www.cherubs-cdh.org/ or www.cdhuk.org.uk/

I see from your other thread you are at Chelsea and Westminster. They have a good reputation for surgery.
The Neonatal unit website www.chelwest.nhs.uk/services/childrens-services/neonatal-services/visiting-information gives the following information on visiting -

No more than 2 people may be at the baby’s cot at any one time, one of whom should be a parent. Limiting the number of people at the cotside reduces noise, activity and infection risk, and helps in baby’s rest and recovery.

Parents may nominate 4 visitors who are allowed to accompany them. Visitors must be with a parent unless written permission has been given to visit unaccompanied.

Hope this helps.