Aibu asking well telling oh to leave

[tillytuck]

Me and oh have been together 14 years and have 4 kids aged 12,8,6 and 6 months.
my ds who is 12 has always been femine, he loves dance and panto. He als designs dresses and makes them. I am v proud of ds and his creative side. My oh has not alwas understood it and has made comments jn the past. My ds told me he fancied a boy in his class and it causes massive arguments. My oh has not accepted ds tells himself he will grow out of it all. Last night my ds was measuring my dd for a dress his making her and oh walks in and goes mental picking up my ds materials and throwing them away. I have kicked him out am I being reasonable.

You and your son both sound awesome!

Your DS sounds such a clever and creative young man.

I have no advice but I just wanted to say how fantastic you are handling this. You're supporting your DS in what makes him happy and removing a bully from his home.

Tilly what a fabulous and creative son you have, and what a fabulous and supportive mum he's got. I'm so glad you're there for him, so that you can watch him grow and succeed in life.

Oh it's sad. Would your Oh be up for some family counselling to help him deal with his issues with ds?

No, YA absoutely NBU. You did the only thing you can in this situation. If your DH can't cope with his DS being himself, then your DH has no place in your life.

Your DS needs to know that at least one of his parents is there for him and accepts him for who he is unconditionally. If his father won't do that, it's his loss. Well done you, you've done a great thing for your DS.

Your DH may be very manly, ie macho, but he isn't a man, because he's not behaving like an adult.

I'm so glad DS has you as a parent, keep doing what you have been and tell DH he needs To Get through his thick skull that this is his child he is emotionally abusing on the basis of sexuality.

And if he pulls the 'one day you'll Get married and have children' líne that my sister did with my nephew when he came out the best response is what my nephew used

Yes, (one day they will change the law, in my DN's case) They've changed the law and one day I will Get married.

Honestly? I can't say I think kicking your OH out is the right way to go now, but that's because I think you need to work to educate him and bring the family together as a whole to show love and support for your DS, not introduce more issues to the family life.
I know I'm not walking in your shoes, but I hope you didn't split in temper and frustration because he seems not to see what everyone else sees.

Your DS sounds very talented and I hope he gets to follow his dreams and that his Dad wakes up and recognizes what's what.

I don't think it is the OP's job to educate her DH in how to be a decent father and human being actually.

We're talking about a vulnerable 12 year old who needs his father to love, value and validate him. The OP isn't responsible for educating her DH in how to be a good father and decent human being. Pussy-footing around his feelings and treating him as if his homophobic behaviour and feelings somehow have to be accommodated and worked around, isn't something the OP needs to do at all. He should behave like a decent father and human being and not expect to have anyone else work on his shit - he needs to work on his own shit and not bring it into his DS's life - he's responsible for his feelings and his behaviour, no one else is and he needs to sort it out, not expect any other member of the family to sort it out for him. He's an adult male, he can take responsibility for his own feelings and behaviour - and his relationship with his DS.

I agree with Basil here. What you are suggesting is that she should have let him stay in the house and somehow manage to get him to change his mind? That won't happen he will only continue to make his son feel bad. He is 12 years old. Being clearly gay is tough enough, he has already been physically attacked. Why should he continue to be subjected to emotional attacks in his own home?

basil is spot on. He's meant to be an adult. This isn't lack of education or knowledge. What knowledge do you need to live your child unconditionally. This is an opinion he's unlikely to change especially not if it's forced.

You sound lovely op and as for your son, dancing at the Olympics, what an achievement. You must be soooooo proud. He sounds agreat kid.

Of course it's possible to talk things through and change. My opinions have developed over the years as have my husband's.

I've not been on MN for long but it's hardly surprising to me there are so many unhappy relationships and divorces given the all or nothing expectation of perfection when these rants get on a roll.

No ones said about him being perfect though. He blamed his own son for the homophobic attack.

This isn't a man having trouble knowing how to support his son or worrying about how hard it might be for him. He's beating him down with his words, teaching him it's wrong to be like this.

How can you work with a man who won't accept his son.

kick him out. What a bastard.

It's not a question of blame, I reckon it's more akin to a lack of complete advice.

Effiminate boys will get stick and feel pressurised to conform. The lad needs to know that and that it's not right but it's reality. You can try to fight the fuckwits who bully in this way but you won't change everyone to stop this lad being a target. So he needs to know why it happens and how to avoid it. I'm not saying the bullies are right but it is our job as parents to give our kids insights into how to cope with life. I'm guessing the father sees it this way too but is utterly shit at expressing himself or offering a solution or talking about feelings. Lots of blokes are like that, lots of women are like it too.

So, when co-parenting you act as a team and fill in the gaps of the other.

My hubby has weight issues, I used to have weight issues (they are still there in my mind but the scales say differently now) and my DD is going down the same path. My hubby had a huge go at DD and I had to intervene. He's a good man and scared stiff for his DD but doesn't know what to do and his anger at the situation came out. We get through it mostly but none of us are perfect. He's not great at analysing, just reacts to now and I'm the opposite, we work well as a couple though as we recognise each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Life's not easy but I'd rather deal with reality than be politically crept and not prepare my child to cope with reality.

I'm sorry I can not see how his father blaming him is teaching him anything other than it's all his fault and he can't even trust his dad to love and support him.

Yes it will happen at school it's inevitable sadly. It shouldvt be but it is. But he should be able to count on his parents to be there and give him the love and support to grow up a confidant young man who can take in the world.

He is not acting in a way that is trying to protect him. He's bullying him like the kids at school

Or he's pointing out why it's happening but not offering a solution or any insight so it's incomplete.

Look, I'm not suggesting it's not serious, just that this bloke isn't evil or else the OP would have fallen in love and have kids with him. So, it's up to the OP to talk to him now and ask him why he reacted as he did, point out the effects that had and try to help him be more empathic and parent the lad to be able to cope with the trading he'll continue (wrongly) to get through life if he's not confirming. Life's not fair and is best our kids realise this and are strong enough to cope

you must be so proud of your son!

he sounds like such a little character:)

your DH should be proud that yous have such a confident, talented and artistic little boy. He is clearly comfortable with talking to you about his crush & he doesn't feel any shame that it's a boy.

your DH needs to grow up & stop being so horrible.
I'd kick him out the door too to go think about what's more important,
your son being himself and happy,
or him trying to conform & being miserable.

good luck OP

Oh fair play to you, you sound like a wonderful mother I bet your ds is very proud of you!!

No offence Joy but it's actually advice like yours that leads to so many unhappy relationships.

Why the fuck should someone stay with and educate a partner who's a homophobic bully? We're not talking about 'less than perfect' here, we're talking about a parent agreeing with the twats who beat up his son.

You really think he needs to do that to in order for his son to understand how brutal the world is? you don't think his gay son is already well aware of that brutality every day? Please.

Btw most of the people on MN who encourage women to get rid of arseholes are either happily married, or happily single after leaving arseholes themselves. It's not endlessly working on things that brings happiness, it's having certain standards and not tolerating bullshit.

I think you did right to tell him to leave for now - he needs to know that he has to deal with his homophobia or he will lose his family forever. At the moment he isn't less than perfect, he's completely inadequate. You and your DS both sound amazing.

You're DS sounds an absolute treasure! I'd be proud of him to. You absolutely did the right thing.

awhh thank you for all your kind words. I was v proud of him and his dance group ( all done it together ).

I spoke to my ds this morning about whether he wanted to try and talk to his dad and his answer was mum I will never forgive him .. so I guess that is that .

society makes me sick sometimes because I know my oh will care what other people think and this is a major issue. my son goes to a school in London , not exactly the greatest and sometimes I can barely make him leave the door due to the idiots in his class.

we walked past mcdonalds the other day and behind a wall were 2 girls obviously from his school as we walked across the crossin on shouted out " queer boy " ... I went mental ( probably shouldn't have ).

im devastated about the family unit but I couldn't possibly take him back knowing my son will never be happy with it.

Yanbu.

Your ds sounds lovely.

I really think you're doing the right thing and your son is so lucky to have you fighting in his corner.

He sounds amazing and will surely go on to do amazing things in his life!

Your son sounds fantastic. I know a fair few dads who have the same attitude as your OH and its so wrong. My DS has pink toys/dollys etc as well as the usual lego/fire truck stuff and they all pass comment and try and stop their own sons playing with them. It makes me so cross not only because it is wrong but I have plenty of gay friends (live in Brighton) and to me they are insinuating there is something wrong with my much loved gay friends.

Be there for your son he needs you more than your meathead of OH. I'd have thrown him out too.