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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? School mum has told her child to stay away from mines...

41 replies

TheCalvert · 06/11/2013 16:57

Long time lurker but would appreciate some advice.

My DS has come home from school today telling me his best class friend has been told by his mother to steer clear from my DS at all times.

The relationship with the other mother has not been easy, I've known her for 2 years and find her difficult to talk to, but have always tried to make an effort with her and have ignored her blatant rudeness to me on a number of occasions to keep the peace.

i do now however feel she has overstepped the mark; my DS is upset and so am I. I can't believe that an adult (has profession, educated etc.) could be so vitriolic and involve children (6 y/o's) in something which i feel is her problem.

I've been over it with DS, he is adamant this is what was said to the extent that the other boy walked away from him at break today. They are normally joined at the hip so this in itself is unusual. My son is popular, but they share many of the same friendships so worried he may become marginalized as a worst case scenario.

All advice very welcome. Sorry for SPAG, on phone!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/11/2013 16:58

What has promted her to say that too her son? Your post doesn't make that clear.

If your concerned though talk to the class teacher.

Eastwickwitch · 06/11/2013 16:59

How horrid for you & your DS.
Could you have a quiet word with the teacher to see what might have prompted this?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 06/11/2013 17:00

Could there have been an issue between the boys that you arent aware of?

LEMisafucker · 06/11/2013 17:02

This old chestnut - I have seen this lots, wth professional "intelligent" parents - from both sides - its not pretty.

I would talk to the teacher, but they cannot force the child to play with your DS anymore than they can stop him. What problem does the woman have with you? Could you ask her about it?

frogwatcher42 · 06/11/2013 17:03

If it was my dd I would immediately think my dd had done something very badly wrong or is a bit 'difficult' to the extent that another parent doesn't want their child to be friends with mine. The teacher should be able to shed some light and family can be encouraged to give an honest opinion on your ds!!.

Its either the above or the mum has another reason. Her choice. Her perogative.

I wouldn't let it get to me - you say your son is popular - invite a few other boys around and let him make new friends (once you have really checked out his behaviour when away from you and dealt with it if he is a problem!!!!).

Holdthepage · 06/11/2013 17:06

Just ignore it totally. The other child may just have been being mean to your DS. Don't get involved in playground spats it is just not worth it & parents involvement nearly always makes it worse.

Floralnomad · 06/11/2013 17:07

As long as he has other friends I think you just need to move on , if you have problems with her its likely that other mums do as well so its more likely that her son will be the one who ends up marginalised ,not yours . There however must have been some occurrence that has made her say this .

Original poster
TheCalvert · 06/11/2013 17:13

Sorry, forgot to clarify. My DS assures me that there has been no arguments, fights, episodes which would have led to this.

I think the other boys mother disliked me on sight. She seems to be a social climber and i think she has deemed my family 'beneath' her. Ironic, because we certainly do not boast about earnings and status symbols, despite the fact that we are, fir all tents and purposes, 'better off' than her.

I've tried to kill her with kindness, have never said anything about her in public (although have whinged to DH behind closed doors) and as a rule don't gossip about anyone so cant think of anything.

problem is she's going to be stuck with me for a few more years yet - our younger sons are due to start school in the same class soon.

A chat with her is probably inadvisable, we live in a small community where everyone knows each others business so don't want to give her any possible means to skew or twist what I would say (wouldn't want to run the risk).

GA bloody H!

OP posts:
pootlebug · 06/11/2013 17:18

This happened to me when I was at school. A friend came into school and said she wasn't allowed to play with me any more as her Dad didn't like my Dad (they worked in the same office).

I went home and asked my Dad what on earth was going on and he had no clue. My Dad is fairly bull-in-a-china-shop in the way he goes about things sometimes but is a kind and decent person. He must have said something that upset friend's dad but there was no 'row' or anything as such.

It just blew over - friend ignored it after a few days, I ignored it, friend's dad perhaps realised there was no big deal....I don't know. I'd just wait it out for a few days and if the boys are good friends they'll probably just carry on playing together regardless.

spanky2 · 06/11/2013 17:22

My ds1 wasn't invited to his friend's party because I am not friends with his mum. she invited her friend's dcs to his party . my ds1 was really upset as the whole of his gang were invited except him. there are sh*tty people out there.Sad

Original poster
TheCalvert · 06/11/2013 17:22

Thankfully my boy is friends with everybody in the class. It was noted by his teacher that they appeared to be great friends, and indeed hi name continually crops up.

There are a group of almost 10 boys in his class that play together, there has never been any ill blood. DS is rarely, if ever rough with other children and seems to be invited to other peoples houses frequently, has regularly been commended on his behaviour. It sounds very much like I think my son can do little wrong, but he is really a happy, confident playful and very popular boy, even his head has commented.

The things that my DS has said are really too specific to be made up too. I'm just so frustrated and bloody angry.

Thanks for all your advice, it will be taken on board!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCalvert · 06/11/2013 17:24

Oh grief, my spelling is utterly wank. Sorry!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/11/2013 17:26

Just speak to her and ask her why

Sittingbull · 06/11/2013 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 06/11/2013 17:32

This has happened in my class and a parent came to see me about it. It is really hard for a teacher to get involved with this sort of thing without it escalating - the teacher can tell you if anything has happened at school, but if you want them to speak to the other parent on your behalf, it is probably going to get nastier with this other parent as she will think you have 'grassed her up'....sigh. Then as teacher you also have a situation where you can't discuss someone else's child with another parent, it quickly gets dodgy.

That is what happened with the two parents in question in my class, and now it is a weekly event, one or the other will come in complaining about the other one pulling faces at them, telling their kids to stay away from the other one, even allegedly telling their child to push over the other. All this goes on in the street outside school and we wouldn't, of course, let children behave like this on school grounds, but it is difficult to influence them beyond the school gates, and impossible to police parental behaviour! They have both been to see my head about it and he has tried to sort it out, hoping it would be easier for him as someone who is on the outside of the issue, but no luck.

It is horrid for your child and he won't understand why he can't play with his friend, but it might be wise for him to make some other friends anyway... if this other parent is going to play games and muck around, he is going to need some more reliable mates who don't have unstable parents! Hard, but I guess a lesson we all have to learn about people being childish, particularly once they are supposed to be grown ups!

WooWooOwl · 06/11/2013 17:41

I'd talk to the teacher and let her know that your ds is upset. Find out what the schools stance on it is and ask the teacher to reinforce that children have to be kind to everyone at school.

This has happened in the school I work in before, with and without reason, but every time I think the parents that do this are out of order. If they want to use state education then they have to accept everything that comes with it, and that means other children who they may or may not like.

It's horrible for children to be told by their friends that their Mum or Dad has said they can't play with them. Really horrible.

We never support this at school and I have told children before that their Mum does not make the rules in school, and at school we don't exclude people from games or say things that might be hurtful. I'm sure I've pissed off one Mum by doing this, but as she's selfish enough to not give a fuck about how hurtful her words are to a small child, I don't really care.

Sorry - went off on a tangent there as this is something I get a real bee in my bonnet about! But in my experience, the child with the nasty mother usually forgets what Mum has said after a couple of days when they realise that it's them who will be missing out.f

DrankSangriaInThePark · 06/11/2013 17:48

Oh lord, don't speak to the teacher if it's an issue with a mother. What on earth is the teacher supposed to do?

If you are sure it isn't a falling out among the children, then you will just have to hope the 2 boys act more maturely than she has, and continue to be friends.

Lovelybunchofcocopops · 06/11/2013 18:06

I have been in this position and it made my so very angry.
When I confronted, the mum made out that all the uninvited parties were just an oversight on her part, and she never meant it to happen (said with a head tilt!), and was just a simple mistake (said with another bloody head tilt). BUT, she still carries on in the same manner, telling her kid to keep away from mine, leaving my ds off the party list.

She didn't take kindly to being confronted, and now avoids me if she can.
I too am at a loss as to what to do.
My only long term thought is that as the kids get older, they do ask for specific people they want to invite, so this type of shitty parent will have some explaining to do to their own children!!
Only confront if you feel it will gain something positive. It gained me nothing, but I am not so angry now (may be that was a positive for me!)
I second spanky2-there are some very shitty parents out there.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 06/11/2013 18:19

One of the boys my son went to primary school with did things like this. She was an enormous snob who thought it was better for her son to have contacts than actual friends, so he was only allowed to mix with a few select children. The poor lad is now in his early 20s, still living with his mum and completely friendless. It's very sad :(

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 06/11/2013 18:22

That should say the mother of one of the boys - the poor kid didn't have much choice in the matter.

Original poster
TheCalvert · 06/11/2013 18:22

Thanks you lovely lot. Its crap for DS, he's confused but he has plenty of other people to play with.

Am toying with the idea of going overkill on the kindness and pretend that DS hasn't mentioned anything. I'm prepared to take the moral high ground as I feel from what you guys are saying, it may come back to bite her in the longer term.

Will mull it over with DH, but still fuming (as is he) but we share many friends and acquaintances so if it gets out what she has said (particularly when DS is invited to their other friends houses) she is going to feel like a right pratt.

She's a teacher too, oh the irony!

OP posts:
Oblomov · 06/11/2013 18:25

I think you must realise that this is not going to end well.
Just encourage your ds to make new friends ( you say he has lots of friends) and let this friendship go.
Please. It is the only way.

Sittingbull · 06/11/2013 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puffylovett · 06/11/2013 18:46

I am in this situation right now.. My son is good friends with a lovely boy, but unfortunately they distract the hell out of each other at school and disrupt not only
One another, but other children in the class. We have had to talk to my son about it and explain that it's fine to play together at breaks, but they should not sit next to one another in class and should make more sensible choices.

It breaks my heart because my ds does not have that many close friendships and is a funny little soul!

Upyourbumscum · 06/11/2013 19:36

I would arrange plenty of play dates with other kids at your house to make up for it. Your DS will make a new best friend quickly I'm sure- hopefully without a witch for a mother!

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