aibu in not encouraging my ds's interest in chess

[poopadoop]

my ds (8) does lots of activities, mainly music and sports. He has a tendency to get very obsessive about things, and concerns have been raised about his communication/social skills - he can concentrate for very long periods of time to the exclusion of all else and is sometimes very uncommunicative. His school have counselled against having him assessed for ASD and I've been advised to just try to help with his social skills - eg role-playing making conversation about subjects other than his current obsession..

Anyway, one of his latest obsessions is chess, which he plays one lunchtime a week in school. He hasn't been playing long but seems to be good at it, partly I think due to his ability to focus! He is keen to do an intensive chess camp (6 hours a day for 5 days) next half term but I'd prefer him to go to a general sports camp with a friend as I think it would be more relaxed and be better for his social skills. His chess teacher who would be running the camp emphasises games should be played in silence.

Anyway, AIBU to not encourage the interest in chess and more specifically in not 'allowing' him go to the camp? He is very upset about it and I'm worried about whether I'm doing the right thing in not letting him do something that he is passionate about but might further entrench his quirks. I'm not trying to fundamentally change his personality, but just maybe help him be less obsessive...

poopadoop ds used to have an obsession with letters and numbers and so lots of things were given alternative labels so lamp posts were 7s, TV aeriels were Ts and doors were 11a's (because he particularly liked the brass letters on that door)
The more you write the more I think school are doing you and more particularly your son a disservice by not referring him for assessment.

It's brilliant he is so happy - he must be comfortable in his skin. DS1 has suffered periods of intense unhappiness. It's heartbreaking.

YABU. It will build his confidence to spend time on things he loves and is interested in. Yes of course encourage other activities too, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of this particular camp. He may well get on well socially with the others at the chess camp, as they'll have this interest in common and may be his type of potential friend. Presumably they have meals and other spare time to chat?

That's a shame about someone saying chess is boring. Ds1 loves it, and does the club each week. Fortunately it's the type of school where things like that are valued rather than not.

I think it's a shame that he feels sad not to go. It would be nice if he could do it since he enjoys it and it makes him happier.

He doesn't seem to like chit chat though, so why force him? He sounds lovely.

My DS doesn't like certain things, mostly 'joining in activities' ie his sister will go to any holiday club/playscheme under the sun and DS hates 'ladies trying to make him do craft and singing'. I have learnt that that is who he is. He doesn't have to be an outgoing chatterbox like me, if he is happy doing his own thing.

For those who have suggested getting him assessed - we're really really focussing on helping him develop his social and communication skills and understanding the world from someone else's perspective and it seems to be gradually working.
He has major problems sleeping because he lies in bed obsessing and obsessing over whatever his new obsession is (chess atm), this makes him exhausted and more prone to tears and tantrums. My worry is how far to encourage him to be more 'balanced' and how far to let him follow his interests, if those interests affect him so much that he can't sleep and can't talk about anything else

I would let your DS do the chess camp. If that is what he is interested in, I think you should follow his lead. You might want him to prefer sports but that is apparently not the child you have.

If he needs to learn to lose gracefully, then chess isn't a bad place to start. Win, lose or draw, it's all down to him. Sportsmanship is encouraged, e.g. not sniggering when your opponent makes a duff move, shaking hands and saying 'good game' at the end whatever the outcome.

There's also plenty of time for socialising between games, and if he is an arse no one will want to play him.

Yes dd is in year six now, year five seems to mark the start of where children spot the differences and dd's quirks are far more hidden than your ds's from what you write. Even so some children do spot she is vulnerable and make a beeline because they like the reaction or the feeling of superiority I suppose. This morning going into school one of her friends hugged her, now dd hates being hugged and it takes a lot of control on her part to avoid flinching or pushing them away. Last year one of her classmates realised and would make a beeline every day until she was warned off by the teacher.Once they realise how to get a rise from your ds there will be peers who enjoy it too sadly.

NewtRipley - thanks, yes he has become much much happier since we've been focussing on communication more..he used to say that he thought everyone was behind a wall but he can see through it better now.
And insanity.. I really recognise that. When we went through the dinosaur phase, everything had to be about dinos - all his homework, he renamed all numbers according to an elaborate scheme to do with dino length x weight x time period..But his school have said what is the point in getting him labelled?

Surely the bigger question is what harm could getting an ASD assessment do? I would say nothing at all. All it would do is open doors to accessing support if he has it. If he doesn't have it then you can feel reassured that this possibility has been explored and dismissed.

As for the camps I too would be temped to send him to send him to the more sociable general camp but I think it's a tough decision for you.

so, thanks all - seems the consensus is to let him go. Not looking forward to the midnight tears over him not being able to figure out a chess problem!

I would get him assessed if help and support follows that "label". Particularly when it comes to any adjustments that need to be made once he gets to Secondary school age. It doesn't mean that you see him in any way differently to the individual that he is.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13140772

Let him go. I agree with PP that it's best to encourage kids' interests.

I'd also say that a danger of not getting a diagnosis, is that he could be labelled less charitably by others.

But he can't help being obsessive it's part of his personality, the chances are if he is like my son, is that limiting one obsession will spark a new one to fill it's place. I'd hazard a guess that it is anxiety feeding the obsessions which fuels the sleep problems.
Ds now at 18 doesn't really have any major obsessions although he likes football and formula one but he was described as having extreme obsessions at five. The difference is that he is in a school that manages the stress and anxiety and so he doesn't need to obsess to distract himself from feelings he finds difficult

insanity.. thank you for your comment and maybe you're right about the anxiety fuelling the obsessions - they are so strong they're almost like an addiction and I guess social skills aside, I'm worried about him becoming addicted to less healthy things than chess down the line (booze or drugs or gambling for example). Maybe addressing underlying anxiety is the best way to go..

I understand your concerns, but I also think you should let him go to the chess camp.

I also second the Highly Sensitive Child Book - I have always been reluctant to label my gorgeous, but complicated, eldest child, but having read that book, I have realised that it is a good thing to start by accepting the child you have. I know that sounds a bit woolly, but it has made me relax and not worry so much about his intense moments etc.

sittinginthsun - yes, 'accepting the child you have' sounds simple but it is a very fine line between helping them be who they are and learning some key skills that will also help them. I've relaxed a bit in many ways, he used be so uptight he'd burst into tears if he thought he'd broken a rule, and I think its because when they're little there's such an emphasis on 'good' behaviour. Must get that book!

It's not going to be sitting in silence for hours a day though - yes during the games itself, but after a game they will be going through it and talking about what they could have done differently etc. There will also probably be classes which will be more interactive. And there's no way they will be playing all day anyway, there will be lots of breaks.

Second everyone else - I'd definitely let him go. Stopping him from exploring his interests isn't going to do his social skills any good anyway.

My DS is also quite obsessive (currently horses!) - and it is wearing/sometimes worrying, but my DF said to me the other day that the kind of passion and focus he shows for certain things is really a very special attribute. I agreed, provided he deigns to occasionally communicate about something else

MN is great! thanks so much to you all, really helpful, and thanks for understanding it is a bit of a conundrum. I'll let him go, and encourage him to chat with the others in the break. He might even make a new friend or two

Hope he has a lovely time.

Agree with the posters saying "let him go". One thing worth mentioning, though. At DS's school, the football-mad kids and the chess kids are one and the same. Essentially, they are the ones who like the idea of annihilating the opposition.

Gosh he sounds like my DS! I think you should let him go. He'll meet like-minded children and there will be lots of social interaction when all the kids get together to discuss their games.

Where is the chess camp? My DS would love something like that!