to think that it is not normal for 14 year olds to be sexually active?

[landrover]

Reading an earlier thread, one poster said that it is generally accepted that 14 to 15 year olds were sexually active!
Do you think that this is true? I am curious because I have a ten year old daughter, I need to know when I start worrying!

[cleofatra]

I have no response to that. :0

[phantomnamechanger]

cleo - simple - parents that don't give a damn, don't care where DC are as long as not in their way, families that don't talk and trust each other, kids that lie and lie and lie some more about where they are going and who with. some are simply looking for affection that is not in the home.

[NoComet]

DD1(15) says she knows of 4 of her class who are sexually active, one who's PG. That's less than 20% she reconds.

She and her two of her three older mates have never had a BF. The third has, but probably hasn't had sex yet.

It's my DD2(12) who seems to collect male admirers and has a BF.

I have always my opinion on teen pregnancy and the merits of contraception and abortion very clear, I hope she's been listening.

[phantomnamechanger]

I think in some sick twisted parents minds, it's almost the same as the competitive toddler stage - they want acknowledgement for them at having such a clever grown up child - and praise for being so "with it" in allowing it and providing the contraception etc etc
Hence "mine walked at 10 months and was potty trained by 12mths" turns into "mine has a steady BF and a mature sexual relationship at 12yo"

this is not said in relation to anyone on this or other thread, just my opinion - and I quite realise there are sensible caring parents who feel the best they can do is be open and arrange contraception when all other education, information & reasoning have been tried - and the kids are still determined to do it.

[PhilippaOfHainault]

I'm with you, Cleofatra - I didn't know anyone who was sexually active until university age. Certainly no-one at school was!

I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old - neither has had so much as a girlfriend never mind having sex!! The 14 year old is only interested in playing Fifa, frankly. I asked my 16 year old about people at his old (co-ed) school and he said that the only one suspected of being sexually active were the "losers" - note the word "suspected", no-one actually admitted to it.

So, no, from my experience 14 is definitely not typical.

[picnicbasketcase]

I agree with the above poster that some parents see it as proof that they've done a good job bringing their child up. They're mature enough to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, they let them sleep at each others houses, get contraception for them. Basically those parents are trying too hard to be their child's best friend instead of their actual PARENT. Too afraid to say no to anything in case the child does it anyway, proving that actually they've not done that a great a job after all.

[SashaSashays]

I've nc'd (I hope!) as I will be in trouble for sharing this, but cleofatra, my BIL had sex at 11 whilst at SUNDAY SCHOOL with the niece of the vicar who was 2 years older. I don't think any parent could have predicted that.

I also know of a friend who went on some sort of bible camp trip in her very catholic community and lost her virginity to a fellow student and engaged in a sort of lesbian tryst with a friend. They had both just turned 14, apparently the entire trip was loads of kids having sex at any opportunity. Again, the parents couldn't have planned for that one.

[cleofatra]

Wow. At our sunday school, the kids dont even get much of a chance to socialise let alone nip into the cupboard and have a quickie. Its into the hall together for lessons and then into the church together to join up with family and then home.

[SashaSashays]

I don't know the set up but it definitely happened there. I've known both parties since I was a child. I guess you really only need a minute or two.

[Tikkamasala]

I was 15 (in a relationship) most of my friends were 15/16/17, so doing it from year 11 onwards. I know 14 and 15 are not that far apart but 14 does seem very young to me.

[kelziemumof3]

can i just state , as the mum on the other thread im not showing of at how my daughter has sex !!! .. I was mortified at first and it took a lot of discussion and thought in to decide what to do.

[cleofatra]

Oh no, I wasnt doubting you. Sorry if it sounded like that. I was just trying to get my head around whether or not it could happen at ours :)

[GreenShadow]

DS3 14, came home today and announced that a girl in his year is pregnant by a boy also in their year (Y10). No idea if she is going to keep it, but apparently the whole year (probably whole school) know about it already. Feel so sorry for them, they are still all children themselves.

[BackforGood]

and I'm with you Philippa - that's very much my experience growing up, and the same for my dc, their friends, their cousins etc - my (older) dc are 17 and 15 and I'm talking about many young people age 13 - 23ish.
I do agree though about there being a socio-demographic link to the figures and statistics.

[TigOldBitties]

There must be a socio-demographic link because I would say nearly everyone was sexually active (full sex not just oral or something, and I know it was that because loads of them had kids!) before university age in my group when I was growing up, amongst my siblings and wider family and amongst my DC now. However I didn't know many people who went to uni, I did but I'd already had a baby by the time I started and was pregnant again just as I finished.

My DS1 is 21 and his son was born when he was 16, he's still with his sons mother and I was a bit concerned but I don't think it has had a massively detrimental effect on their lives. I did mean I changed my approach a bit and went much heavier on the contraception talks. Ds2 is thankfully yet to knock anyone up.

[alwaysregretposting]

I haven't read all the thread, but from what I have read I'm quite surprised by the number of ex-14 year olds and current 14 year olds who were/are sexually active.

I certainly wasn't at 14 and DD1 who is 14.2 is nowhere close. She goes to a girls school which probably has a bearing I guess but has many co-ed friends. My feeling from them is that a few of the ones they talk about are doing it but are absolutely the minority and at the moment are quite scary. We live in London by the way, so not isolated!

However, I'm talking year 9 kids here many of whom have a way to go until they get to 14. Maybe it all changes come year 10!

[landrover]

Sorry Keizie, didnt mean to bring your post in the discussion, was just interested in what the future held for my 10 year old daughter!
Wasnt at all having a go at you in all this! xxx

[thebody]

not sure I have read any post condoning 12 year olds having sex?

15 is not 12...

I went to an all girls grammar in the 70s and about half the class were sexually active around 15 ( including me)with most at 16..
I think that's pretty normal really.

hate the term that only 'the slutty girls' were doing it. yeuk yeuk.

[Thants]

I wasn't but had friends that were sexually active from 13 often with much older men in their early twenties .
I have other friends who didn't start having sex until they were 17 to 21 and with serious partners so it really depends!

[supermariossister]

I don't think it is always the ones you would expect. I was not one of the ones you would expect I was quiet, pretty average looking, worked damn hard and kept myself to myself but my mum was very poorly in hospital and I was lonely. I disagree that those at 14 and 15 are the types you would expect and think that's an awful way to word it.

[Sparklymommy]

Have just come back to this thread and haven't read all of it but just wanted to respond to some of the comments I have read.

I was not a "bad" girl. I was sexually active at 14, with one boy (who was a few years older than me) but we weren't in a relationship. He was afraid of getting into trouble because I was underage. We had sex together regularly for two years, but were only ever friends.

I was, to all intents and purposes, a good girl. I have never smoked, taken drugs or done anything else "bad". I had reasonable school grades (although I'm the first to admit they could have been better if I'd put more effort in!). I was we'll thought of and had a part time job at 13. I worked 3 part time jobs whilst taking GCSEs. I was not hanging around on street corners getting drunk or high and opening my legs for any boy who asked.

Do I regret it? No. Do I want the same for my own daughters? No. Looking at my (almost) 11 year old it frightens me to think that in just over three years she could be that grown up. I never really spoke to my mum about sex. She complained that I went to my father when I wanted to talk about anything at all but then she wasn't approachable and never really answered my questions. I want my girls to be able to come to me. That is most important in my mind.

Looking back over history most girls were sexually active younger. The age of consent is a relatively new thing. Before that it wasn't unusual for young girls to be married at 14.

[jessieagain]

This is a tricky one.

I have no idea about the statistics etc.

BUT I think it is imperative that parents/teachers/adults in general don't normalise underage age and just accept it.

Society has decided on age of consent laws and these should be respected.

[KellyElly]

If by that you mean having actual sex then I wouldn't say it is 'the norm' at that age, but sexually experimenting then yes.

[cory]

Slightly tricky situation here in that my dc have dual nationality.

So last year dd could have legally had sex whilst staying with her family over there but not while living with her family over here. And nobody there would find a 15yo spending the night with her boyfriend particularly shocking, not even my parents who are very conservative. It was quite normal even when I was a teen in the 70s. And teenage pregnancies virtually unheard of.

I tend to be quite upfront about it: "Yes dc, to some extent these boundaries are arbitrary and of course I don't think you suddenly become less mature when you pass through customs at Heathrow, but there are good reasons for respecting the laws wherever you happen to be, so that's what I think we should be doing".