AIBU to think DD should be Star of the sodding Day?

[PFBoftheDay]

I know I am, and I have n/c because I am probably being embarrassingly PFB.

DD is 6, and there are 21 children in her class. Her teacher does something called 'Star of the Day', which is,as far as I can gather, where the child who has been 'the goodest' all day, gets a star sticker and a prize (bouncy ball,sweets or bubbles) at hometime.

This has been an everyday occurrence from the start of the year, and DD was naturally desperate to be SotD and a bit disappointed when she wasn't. I, naturally, told her that she would have to keep trying, that the teacher would notice good behaviour, etc etc.

Just before school broke up for half term, and in the last few days she has started back, she has been getting really, really upset about it. There are a few children who have been SotD more than once, and on one occasion, a boy in the class who struggles with his behaviour got it, even though he hit another boy in the playground that day (though this is according to DD). I know the teacher was probably trying to encourage his good behaviour rather than discouraging him (and rightly so) and I explained this to DD.

However, today she came home in tears, because a girl who was horrible to DD and her friends at breaktime today (they told the teacher etc) got SotD. This girl can be very bossy and controlling and does put the other children's backs up at times. DD now basically thinks that the children who misbehave are getting rewarded.

I do think I see what the teacher is trying to do, and the reasoning behind it, but I feel this is really unfair on DD. She is a very well behaved child, we had Parent Teacher evening a few weeks ago and everything was positive. She works hard- she is very ahead in her reading & writing- and is as friendly and polite as you can expect of a 6 year old. The only thing she did struggle with was forgetting to put her hand up before answering a question, but she has tried really hard to remember, and at Parent Teacher, I asked about it specifically and her teacher said she had no problems.

I know I am being PFB, but she is quite a sensitive little thing, and I feel awful that she is trying so hard and getting so disheartened.

curlew Tue 05-Nov-13 20:55:17
It is a Mumsnet trope- this "only naughty children get rewards" I suspect some of it comes from believing every word a 6 year old tells them.

Not necessarily. Our school has each class's star of the week published in the weekly newsletter. And you get to know, from talking to other parents, and your own observations in the playground, which children are the less well behaved ones.

Fortunately my DS's school only seem to do star of the week not the day. He hasn't got it yet (he is mostly very well behaved and has excellent manners) and last week the child who has been an absolute terror since day one got it. Definite sense of the naughty kids being rewarded for a week in which they're marginally less naughty than usual. It's still early days but I will keep an eye on it as the year progresses.

labtest that is just awful, and I would have been boiling with rage to see my child miss out while a child who had bullied them got rewarded. I hope your DD is recovering now and getting her just rewards.

YANBU - my PFB is desperate for the class monkey.

My son's school has star of the week (for things like kindness) and a weekly literacy award and a maths award (for effort - DS got his for always having a go at answering in circle time)

They also do "smilies" tokens where they have an individual reward chart for doing good things, and can be given out by any adult ( As a parent helper for reading, I gave one out today to a little boy who picked up the lunch boxes that had fallen off the shelf without prompting) and when they get so many they get a certificate.

They also have a similar system to the ladder system mentioned above. Everyone starts the day on a green smiley face, but if they are naughty their peg gets moved on to an Amber frowning face, and if they get worse it goes on to a red sad face, and it can also be moved back up. Connected to this are the schools golden values (calmness, stickability, kindness etc) and if the children do anything that related to this then their peg goes on the sign for this and they get a sticker at the end of the day. My goodie goodie DS only seems to get a golden value sticker as an good example when someone else is naughty and gets put on the amber peg. But generally works very well.

In reception at our school, the children get to take the teacher's teddy home for the weekend.

At both parents evenings for both children I am told how well behaved they are, how helpful, how well they are doing.

Both of them got that bloody bear with about a week to go before summer break up. TWICE I had to endure a full year of a four/five year old coming out upset every sodding Friday cos he'd been good all week and STILL not got the teddy.

By xmas when ds1 was in reception I was telling them that the teachers save the best kids till last.

they have other weekly reward things too. Now that the kids are in years 5 and 6, I am sure that some teachers reward the good, hardworking, attentive kids first in the year, whilst others use it as an encouragement for the children who need that extra help.

For example with one teacher, both my sons had this particular reward twice each by xmas, then no more till the end of the year. With other teachers they seem to get it after easter. Yet their behaviour and effort is the same in every class!

In reception my son was desperate for a Golden Award, he waited all year. Some children had already received it twice and he once even said "Do I have to be naughty to get a golden award?". On the very last day of term I was sure he would finally get the award, he didn't. I was gutted for him, he was so disappointed. Every child needs encouragement, but it seems the well behaved children get overlooked and it is disheartening for them. I actually think these rewards systems do more harm than good. My son started a new school and they seem to have various reward systems going on, but no one understand how on earth the awards work or how they achieve points.

I used to be a supply teacher and one day I was asked to teach a Year 2 class in a school I'd never been to before. It was pretty much the worst day of my teaching career. There was a group of about 6 boys who were extremely badly behaved. Wouldn't listen, wouldn't get on with their work, shouted out, etc. There was a ringleader to the group but they were all challenging.

At morning play the ringleader grabbed another child's head and smacked it into a metal bar. He was taken to the office. The rest of his gang decided they didn't want to go back to class and refused to leave the playground. Not just for me; they refused for several staff members.

Finally they gave in and we started the next lesson. With the ringleader in the office things calmed down a bit. Just as we had started some work the ringleader was brought back in. He ran and dived straight under a table and refused to come out. There was a box of building bricks under there that he started to throw at people. His gang thought this was great fun and threw them back and at other people. Finally he was removed and sent home.

The afternoon was a bit better but there was constant low level disruption. Just before home time a teaching assistant, who hadn't even been in the class all day, started dishing out stickers to this little group of boys for their reward charts. Because the stickers they received meant they'd all reached some kind of target this meant they also then got to choose a little prize to take home. So although they were badly behaved all day they got rewarded, whereas the rest of the children, who had constantly had their lessons disrupted, didn't have any sort of reward chart and didn't get anything.

DS1 is in Reception. He comes home almost weekly with a big paper star, nearly always for 'good sitting'. It's parents evening this week so I will finally find out whether he is indeed a brilliant sitter, or actually a rubbish sitter who occasionally manages to sit still on the carpet for 20 minutes and is therefore rewarded for that (tbh it could go either way ).

They do seem to have a couple of star systems in place, which seem to be based in merit - so you have to achieve something to get a star, but the bar is set so it is achievable for all (and you can get stars for lots of different things). They also have a daily Special Person who has special privileges - this is not based on merit, so every child gets to do it in order. So I think they have quite a good balance.

I don't see why they don't just do the old marble jar thing - so if a child is rewarded for good behaviour or rewarded for not hitting/biting/spitting etc, then the marble goes into the jar and when they reach the top the whole class gets a reward.

Unfortunately I remember this system well, I was the good child who did all her work on time and exactly how was asked. I never got a sticker or a star or anything it really hammered my self esteem and self worth as a child, I also got bullied for being the good child although only the other children seemed to notice that.

I changed school and noticed the same system again, then I realized how to play the system, So I stopped doing home work ( I got to do the important jobs at school for that like handing out the milk, helping in reception etc), I walked out of lessons I did not like ( I got to again go help in younger classes, help set up the music hall, be first to lunch).. I got stickers everyday I wrote one measly sentence by the end of primary it was so ingrained that to be "good" I had to be bad it carried over into secondary..

It was not just me who did this at my school there was 4 or 5 in my year group and we used to have a great time getting all the prizes and doing the special helper work while the other children who where good got nothing.

The school is still the same now with terrible reports of behavior. I messed up my whole education because of this system because it was never explained by a parent or anyone why it was done the way it was.

I sorted my self out once I had "finished" school I went to college etc

I hate this system but please don't let your children fall into the trap, I see my old teachers now and they always say we knew you could be good and we knew you where smart, and they are really happy for everything I have done since leaving school, but its always tainted for me

My son's class has a helper if the day system. A little boy from his class was round after school and told me proudly he had been helper of the day. My son piped uo happily, "It's my turn tomorrow" to which the friend looked shocked and said, "No, you have to be good and be chosen."
Not so, replies my son. "It's in order of our names and I am after you."

He was quite right. Felt no need to be "good" but simply wait it out till his name came up.

The thing is, kids need to know the system. Is it really for being good? Is it in birth order? It can only be fair if they know the rules and everyone, teachers in particular, follow them.

It may seem petty to us but it's a big deal to little kids and no I don't think you are being precious OP. I would ask the teacher if she could have a turn.

The reward system that was introduced when I was in high-school meant that the kids who normally misbehaved but were good on occasion achieved their privileges much more quickly than the kids who were consistently well-behaved. It really pissed me off at the time but, at 11, I was old enough to see straight through it. At 6, I can imagine this being a much bigger deal for me. I'd have been one of the invisible kids too. It's your call really - mention it to her teacher now or wait a bit longer and hope it happens without having to say anything. Depends how upset your DD is. Either way, she will be SOOOOO happy/proud/excited when her time comes.

Labtest - that is awful. Can't believe you had to raise it with the teacher. An average spelling test score would be admirable given your DD's illness, but the fact she was overlooked despite coming top is just rubbish! Your DD's battle with Leukemia trumps any "worker of the week" award hands down though - a star in anyone's eyes. Massive shame that they're rewarding her nasty little classmate too. I really hope her treatment is going well.

My dd got star of the week once in July last year despite never misbehaving and always being in the sunshine/rainbow. Kids known for hitting and whining got it several times for hitting and whining less

Like ChattyMummy, I was also the reliably good type who didn't get any of these type of awards - and I also went down the 'screw the system' path - resulting in an awful lot of truancy among other things, and it all started with primary school and being made to feel like it didn't really matter rather than encouraged for achieving and my good behaviour.

It sounds ridiculously precious written down, but when you're 7 it matters so much!

I would also have a quick word just in case it's an oversight. I really hate all these awards.
What do they achieve?
We never had this rubbish at my schools (gimmer alert).
And I don't even have a child at school yet. Am dreading it and will need to control my PFB reactions.

My secondary had it sussed when they did a merit system - you could get a merit for anything that the teachers thought appropriate eg good work, better behaviour ect. You handed them into your form tutor who marked the on a chart. Then you got certificates when you got so many and rewards.

It worked well as it rewarded trouble makers for good behaviour, less academic kids to try harder as well as the smarter kids getting the same recognition. It became a bit if a thing to get the most merits as the less able kids could compete and be on the same level as the smarter kids foto get the same rewards or be better than them at it.

I'm not a star week fan or getting the bear to take home for a week. Ds1 is always last it get as he struggles with school and concentration, luckily he doesn't mind too much but he did start to ask last year when he was going to get the bloomin nursery bear to take home and was rather sad that he couldn't get to right level of behaviour they wanted from him.

Everyone should have a turn, and they should find out at the start of the day that they're SotD.

Nothing against competition in schools but if this takes place it should be fair and with clear rules, e.g. sports day races.

My dc school has a merit system as well - you earn house points. House points mean the world to ds1. He is so focused on getting them. You can get a merit point for being nice, kind, well manner or doing well (for you) at your work. Everybody who earns house points has their name read out in assembly. Seems like a better system to me.

I had this with Pupil of the week with my sons school., i could see her thought process she was trying to encourage all the badly behaved children to be good, but at the end of the second term, i pointed out that my son (a good kid) had not once had POTW? She said "yes he has" and when i asked her to check , she apologised .Do you have parents night soon would it be worth a quick word?

Thought I'd update this, as I think DD's teacher must be a MNer

I was going to go in on Monday afternoon and speak with her, but as I went in, DD came out, proudly brandishing a star sticker and bubbles- she was finally chosen as Star of the Day and was over the moon

Thank feck for that. I'm so pleased for you lo.

This drives me mad too, PFB.

DD works consistently hard, is helpful, kind (obviously she has her off days) and is extremely well motivated.

Last year as we were getting to the end of the year, I had to gently remind her teacher that she'd never once got Star of the Week.

'Oh no,' she said brightly. 'And the irony is, she probably could have got it any week.'

'Then why didn't she?'

She was a bit embarrassed.

I know that they have to motivate the children who struggle, and I generally am pleased when I see children who otherwise get a hard time come running out with the certificate and happy grins. But I'm also annoyed that my daughter is working her cute little bottom off and getting jaded by the lack of acknowledgement. Being constantly second place is no fun at all.

Anyhow, I'm glad your child got her award! I hope it's the first of many.

Op Do you think the teacher is on MN?

I hope that all teachers who are MNers and read this thread will have had a think about how fair their reward systems actually are.

My DD2 was always exceptionally well behaved in Reception and the only difficulties raised at parents evening were things she struggled with rather than lack of effort.

Each class had two stars of the week and these were awarded in weekly assembly attended by parents.

There were 18 children in DD2's class so that means up to 4 stars for each child throughout the year.

DD2 didn't get one for the whole year. Her teacher couldn't think of one really good thing she did that deserved a reward for the whole of her reception year.

When I raised it just before the end of term they looked at me like I was bonkers and said they didn't see the need to keep track